It’s a birthday party invites one- twins

[MarianosOnHisWay]

DD has a set of boy-girl twins in her Year 3 class. Let’s call then John and Sarah (not real names).
John seems to be a boisterous type, I often hear his name from DD at the end of the day in conjunction with who has been in trouble or that he’s done something like pull her glasses off, talk about killer clowns etc. Sarah isn’t one of DD’s best friends but they get on fine.

The popular destination for 8th birthday parties this year (after they haven’t been able to have parties for so long) is either one of two large trampoline/bouncy park type things. We’ve been to around 4-5 parties at these so far this year. Because they’re large places, you don’t hire the whole place- there are members of the public bouncing too.

DD is having her party at one such place. She would like to invite all the girls in the class. However, what has happened at the last few parties like this is- Sarah is invited but the twins’ mum also brings John along and pays for him as a member of the public to enter and bounce. Obviously he doesn’t join in the party room, party food etc.

I get it- they’re twins, what one does the other wants to do. Also maybe mum doesn’t have childcare for John while taking Sarah to a party.

DD has now said she’s worried about inviting Sarah as it will mean John will come. She says at the other parties when he’s been there as a non-party member of the public he’s been rough, deliberately barged into the party members when bouncing, even strangled them, been rude and called out rude things etc. She doesn’t want this to happen at her party.

I’m not sure how to make the AIBU voting because as I see it there are three options:

-Don’t invite Sarah- very reluctant to do this as she’d be the only girl in the class not invited and why should she suffer due to her twin brother’s behaviour?

-Invite Sarah but have a work with mum and say please don’t bring John- so awkward and she may not have the option plus as a member of the public I can’t really control if she brings him?

-Invite Sarah and just accept that it means John coming too, and prep DD to come and report any incidents (again so awkward though? The mum will be sitting there at the cafe place and what will I say “John is playing rough and the girls don’t like it, please get him and ask him to stop”)

Or is there a fourth option??

These twins are getting separate invites - it's the mother who's making them homogenous!

It's your dds party and she's told you what she wants to happen. For me, I'd not invite Sarah as she's nor a special friend and maybe miss out some others who aren't special friends too.

Yabvvu to consider asking a parent to not take their child into a public venue. Get over yourself. She’s most certainly aware of her child’s behaviour and him not having friends, etc. Don’t add to the judgement.

Are you for real? Whilst I agree that OP can’t tell the twins mum not to bring John along to a public venue, she is certainly within her rights to judge her for sitting on her phone and doing nothing about her kid’s violent behaviour!

If John is included in the party tomorrow, I would get your dd to compromise on the party. Promise she can have a trampolining one when she’s older. They’re still wildly popular with 9/10 year olds and parents don’t stay at this age.

I would slash the numbers and do something really specific and private like a pony party at a local riding school. In my experience of doing pony parties at a couple of venues, you’d probably have to self cater and some offer a space to eat. Stables will be limited by the number of suitable horses, ponies and helpers.

If Sarah still makes the cut, I would brief the venue that one of the girl’s mums may try to add her ds and that you will not be able to book the party if this were allowed. Then you can gate keep the mum yourself your end. They don’t have any ponies for him, it’s girls only etc.

Or have a girl’s only pamper party with #onlygirlsallowed. Your dd is a bit young for this maybe. But venues do offer them. Present it as a drop and run for parents, who don’t want to stay.

Invite Sarah and offer to pick her up as well as a couple of DD's favourite friends girls. That way no need for Mum to come, and if you're picking up others, there won't be room for John.

Ooh if he plays up at the party this weekend you could ask the organiser if they want you to have a word with his mum? Then you'll know her reaction for your party?

@RedHelenB

It's your dds party and she's told you what she wants to happen. For me, I'd not invite Sarah as she's nor a special friend and maybe miss out some others who aren't special friends too.

This is actually a possibility, there are 16 girls in her class and she could invite maybe 8-10 who are close special friends and then there is another year 3 class in the school (two form entry) where she’s friendly with some of the girls there from being in the same class in the past (they remix each year) or being in brownies together so she could invite a few of them. As I say Sarah isn’t a close friend. Sarah definitely doesn’t get zero party invites, as this issue with John being present has happened around 4 times so far this year. I haven’t spoken to any other parents about it, I’m but really close enough to any of them and don’t want to feel I’m bad-mouthing a child.

Invite Sarah. If her brother comes too, that’s ok. Be kind and welcoming.

Talk to the mum and blame your awkwardness on the kids. Tell her that your dd would love to invite Sarah but only if she can still keep it to girls, and you’re so sorry but you’re not sure what to do. Say you don’t have experience of bringing up twins so you’d like to know if it would make her life easier not to invite Sarah at all if it’s going to create a problem for her.

If you do it right she’ll get the hint that John isn’t wanted without it coming across as rude. She might also start to realise that it’s not fair for her to allow her twins to gatecrash each others parties.

@Happymum12345

Invite Sarah. If her brother comes too, that’s ok. Be kind and welcoming.

Absolutely shocking message to send OP's daughter

Sounds like @HikingforScenery is the twins parent, or has a child herself that strangles other kids, but doesn't give a shit.

I'd invite Sarah, and get my child to tell me when John is being a brat if he shows up. Then I'd yell over to his mum 'oi John's mum, can you teach him to stop strangling other kids please?'. I'd embarrass her, she's doing nothing to sort her kids behaviour, she needs it. Having special needs does not mean he can do that, and it sounds more like a lack of bloody parenting when she just sits on her phone and ignores it. She clearly can't tell him no for some reason if she is happy to leave a different sibling behind but not him.

I'd also be complaining to the school everytime my kid came home with stories about his bullying.

Option 4. Invite Sarah but put on the back of the invite you're happy to take Sarah in your car so she doesn't have to drag John along. Obviously, she might say no and bring John too, but it could be worth a shot.

@HikingforScenery

You know that a random child could always barge into a party and disturb it? It is a public place after all.

Don’t invite Sarah. It sounds like she’s better off not believing your DD, who is willing to punish her for her brother’s behaviour, is her friend.

Yabvvu to consider asking a parent to not take their child into a public venue. Get over yourself. She’s most certainly aware of her child’s behaviour and him not having friends, etc. Don’t add to the judgement.

Totally agree with the public place sentiment. It might not be John but some other child from 'the public' that disrupts the fun. It is what happens in public play venues like this. You don't have a John problem you have a Venue problem.

Totally unfair to not invite the sister. She's being punished for what you anticipate might happen and is completely out of her control.

I think the idea of bringing in a teenager to help protect the girls’ space is a brilliant one.

Then you can go for option 3, avoid confrontation, and in the event that the mum doesn’t actually bring John, no awkward words have been exchanged.

The twist (drip feed but but not really drip feed?!) to all this is that I’m actually a primary school teacher myself, I teach year 4 in a difficult, deprived area and am very experienced in dealing with behaviour issues amongst the children as well as talking to parents about their children’s behaviour. However, this is a totally different sphere and I obviously can’t treat the party goers as I would my class at school and I don’t want to embarrass my DD! I try to keep a low profile amongst the class parents and not use my “teacher voice” in public. I sometimes have to bite my tongue very hard!

@HikingforScenery

You know that a random child could always barge into a party and disturb it? It is a public place after all.

Don’t invite Sarah. It sounds like she’s better off not believing your DD, who is willing to punish her for her brother’s behaviour, is her friend.

Yabvvu to consider asking a parent to not take their child into a public venue. Get over yourself. She’s most certainly aware of her child’s behaviour and him not having friends, etc. Don’t add to the judgement.

If she's sitting on her phone whilst her little darling is bullying and shoving other kids then maybe she should be taking notice of the judgment.

It's not ok and it's not on other kids to have to deal with it.

It probably is hard when your child behaves like that but the answer is to watch them closely and manage his behavior not ignore him and pretend it's not happening.

I would change the invite list so it wasn't all the the girls, and Sarah wasn't on the invite list.

It will not be as easy to supervise and intervene in John's behaviour at a trampoline place as ot would be in a hall party, and I wouldn't want an expensive party ruined.

That's not fair on the birthday girl though is it? Because she's described what has happened at previous parties. It's also not fair to ask her to go somewhere else.

I have twin boys and never forced a parent to take the other if they only invited the first one. They are separate people. I did find some parents invited both twins and in the first few years at school I invited each child in their two classes ie over 40 children who brought 2 presents each - about 80 present (and in year 1 invited all the parents too as we lived right by the school) but that was totally out of hand - 80 presents to use, pack away! Of course the boys loved it and it was very kind of their friends' parents to buy a present for each twin.

From then aged 4 until last year they were never in the same class at school ever and had separate friends which was their choice - the school let them choose aged 4 as to whether they would be in the same class. Then this academic year for the first time ever and at post graduate stage they are in the same law school class aged 23.

I’d go for option 3. I’m guessing the mum brings the other kid either because she has no other option and/or she might as well pay for her “high energy” child to burn off some of that energy.

That said, if he’s hurting people in any way his mother needs to be dealing with him. Every single time. If that means having to tell her each time her son is doing something he shouldn’t, so be it. I assume she’s aware of him behaving this way so should be watching him like a hawk in those kinds of places.

I would also change the invites, Sarah won’t know she was originally on the list but then not.

I have boy/girl twins and they never gatecrashed parties, they went if they were invited. It wasn’t fair to my own children to have their sibling in the mix. I wanted then to have their own friends and enjoy their own parties. Mine had two joint parties when little then all parties were separate.

@Happymum12345

Invite Sarah. If her brother comes too, that’s ok. Be kind and welcoming.

Her DD has said she doesn't want The brother there for valid reasons. Stop with the 'be kind' when the brother is badly behaved and rude. That's not being kind to the other kids. OP I would see how it goes tomorrow, if both twins are at this other party and his behaviour is bad, I wouldn't invite Sarah. If the mum steps in to sort her kids behaviour out, then that's fine but if she continues to be on her phone ignoring it, then no I wouldn't invite Sarah. I'd cut how many girls are there so she isn't the only one missing.

@Happymum12345

Invite Sarah. If her brother comes too, that’s ok. Be kind and welcoming.

Ah yes Be Kind. Teach Gertrude that her feelings and wants are not important and that she should bow down and allow them to be trampled all over. Great lesson.

Invite Sarah
Ring the mum and say girls only - hope OK - you are happy to keep an eye on her, so please feel free to drop off

I’m a bit confused by your comment about “teacher voice”.

Why can’t you use teacher style communication to John if he disrupts a party you are paying for or hurts your dd or any child in your care? I would always intervene if needed and I’m not a teacher.

Your dd is a little too young to be truly embarrassed by her mum. The other children and parents would probably be grateful.