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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at secondhand gifts?

418 replies

GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:03

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....?

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used)

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all Sad

OP posts:
Lunificent · 10/03/2022 00:10

I think there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. It feels unfair, but you can’t make her change.
You can change what you do though. I would leave present admin to your husband (she’s his mum not yours) and have nothing to do with it.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 10/03/2022 00:13

I think I’d be gifting them back.

Ionlydomassiveones · 10/03/2022 00:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:14

@Lunificent

I think there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. It feels unfair, but you can’t make her change. You can change what you do though. I would leave present admin to your husband (she’s his mum not yours) and have nothing to do with it.
Thank you for your response. I think going forward I'll have to leave it to DH I've totally disconnected from it ...
OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:17

@Ionlydomassiveones

My (wealthy) boss used to do this - charity shop gifts. Not new. Looked really proud of herself too. It’s an insult and it says that you’re not worth spending any time or money on.

Forget feeling ‘ungrateful’. It’s the message it’s sending. If she can afford expensive stuff for other members of her family - then something thoughtful and new from a shop isn’t a stretch. You’re clearly not worth that in her mind.

What does your DH say?

Basically she is wealthy and so is FIL, run their own business except MIL is just tight to the selected few (me basically).

She's bought charity shop presents for my DD also. I've had to bin a few as they've had teeth marks and stains on them... BIL and SIL got all the new stuff, me and DH just second hand.

Tempted to regift the second hand perfume on Mother's Day to her coming up end of March??

Another time I was gifted a jumper from her ( no tag and smelt like her perfume!! ) what was worse is she showed it to me 2 weeks prior before Xmas and said she didn't like it...before regifting it and wrapping it up! I was so embarrassed but has to hide how gutted I was to DH. He is defensive.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:18

@Ionlydomassiveones

My (wealthy) boss used to do this - charity shop gifts. Not new. Looked really proud of herself too. It’s an insult and it says that you’re not worth spending any time or money on.

Forget feeling ‘ungrateful’. It’s the message it’s sending. If she can afford expensive stuff for other members of her family - then something thoughtful and new from a shop isn’t a stretch. You’re clearly not worth that in her mind.

What does your DH say?

DH is none the wiser, literally. All he said to me was precious MIL showed him what she had bought me and in his eyes that's effort made. He doesn't see it and it's a waste of my breath even trying to make him see....

Makes me feel im not even worth spending money on.

OP posts:
SkyeT · 10/03/2022 00:20

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?

FeckTheMagicDragon · 10/03/2022 00:22

Maybe suggest to both your DH & MIL that she does the same for you & your DH. Gives you money. No ‘effort’ choosing ‘thoughtful’ gifts required …

Player001 · 10/03/2022 00:22

Yeah I would play the game. Gift it all back and make sure she opens the gifts in front of others. The look on her face will be priceless.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:23

@SkyeT

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?
Totally agree with environmentally friendly. Unfortunately MIL doesn't even see it that way, she just can't bring herself to spend money on me.
OP posts:
jytdtysrht · 10/03/2022 00:23

I have a rich relative who regifts (regardless of whether it's appropriate - eg gives things that definitely won't fit people) so I just take everything straight to the charity shop to avoid it annoying me further. Charity benefits and I don't have to feel irritated by it.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:25

@jytdtysrht

I have a rich relative who regifts (regardless of whether it's appropriate - eg gives things that definitely won't fit people) so I just take everything straight to the charity shop to avoid it annoying me further. Charity benefits and I don't have to feel irritated by it.
Good idea. I think the bag will definitely be going there.
OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 10/03/2022 00:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Velvetbee · 10/03/2022 00:26

This woman does not like or respect you. You cannot change her only how you deal with it. As pp said, step away from buying her things and start laughing at her. Play Ugly Gift Bingo - will your next present be missing a tag, missing packaging, smell bad… Get 3 in a row and treat yourself to something lovely. It would help if DH could laugh at her too.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:30

@Velvetbee

This woman does not like or respect you. You cannot change her only how you deal with it. As pp said, step away from buying her things and start laughing at her. Play Ugly Gift Bingo - will your next present be missing a tag, missing packaging, smell bad… Get 3 in a row and treat yourself to something lovely. It would help if DH could laugh at her too.
Great way of looking at it thanks. I opened the presents infront of DH and he just doesn't see it like I do.

I was with my own Mum when I opened the presents also and she sort of 'knew'. What's worse is she gifts my DH amazing thoughtful
Gifts as does my own sister- a car wash set for £100 from my sister and BIL and my parents gifted DH with a very generous £50.00 voucher and other items they KNEW he would like. I don't know why it's always me who misses out when I make the most effort with people, DH just sits back and relaxes doesn't have to lift a finger with gifts, especially with his family.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 10/03/2022 00:38

Leave all present buying for your in laws to your husband, including Mother’s Day

Tell the in laws not to buy you birthday or Christmas presents moving forwards, and tell your parents and family not to buy for your dh

RandomBasic · 10/03/2022 00:41

Leave your DH to sort her presents going forwards. Don't spend any more energy on looking for gifts for her.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 10/03/2022 00:50

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely

Yes but do you give stuff that has obviously been used or with stains or ripped packaging etc, as above? I think it's pretty obvious the MIL above doesn't think it's worth even trying to give the OP something nice.

OP, she sounds awful and gifting tat to your DD is even worse! Don't bother in future, tell your husband he can buy for his mother from now on.

Lindaloo08 · 10/03/2022 00:50

@Ionlydomassiveones I agree with you, I'm not someone who loves getting presents, it wouldn't bother me getting nothing or getting a donation made in my name but a 2nd hand presnt would make me feel rubbish. I too don't feel that a regift "for the environment" is a thoughtful present, if you want to be thoughtful then you should know what I'd rather, give me nothing and have me over for lunch/dinner and chats instead.

OP I don't blame you, it's not nice. She is who she is so take a step down and let your DH get the presents from now on.

RachelGreeneGreep · 10/03/2022 00:53

@Chloemol

Leave all present buying for your in laws to your husband, including Mother’s Day

Tell the in laws not to buy you birthday or Christmas presents moving forwards, and tell your parents and family not to buy for your dh

Agreed. And I would definitely be tempted to give her back the stuff she gave you on Mother's Day. After all if your DH sees nothing wrong with her pawning off second hand stuff on you, what can he say.
Wulfenite · 10/03/2022 01:20

Second hand and shit are not synonymous though. Giving tat is mean and better for the environment to just give nothing if you can't be bothered to make it either thoughtful and personal, or nice. A couple of times me and Dh have had to give everyone a charity shop book and a bookmark for Christmas but the books were carefully picked for each person and the bookmarks were drawn (decently!) by DH and personalised. Not the greatest present perhaps but something like that wouldn't upset me, but bits of random rubbish like the OP is expected by her DH to think are thoughtful (!) would.

1forAll74 · 10/03/2022 01:20

I think that you should be grateful for anything. mentioning torn packaging and what you consider the price of things, is not nice at all, and to mention what you have spent on her at times, is quite irrelevant.

Yaya26 · 10/03/2022 01:25

I wouldn't care less. I'm a grown up and can buy my own stuff. Also she's your MIL not your Mum. I'd wouldn't expect her to as generous or thoughtful towards me as her own children (especially if you don't have a great relationship. Very small thing to get annoyed about.

Kanaloa · 10/03/2022 01:30

@SkyeT

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?
Giving new and expensive gifts to one person and old opened hand cream to another? That’s not environmentally friendly, it’s just spiteful. If you want to be economically and environmentally friendly give everyone your old rubbish, not just one person.

Not sure why you’d put up with this though. She shows you a jumper, says she doesn’t like to, then wraps it up and gives it to you and you just accept it so you don’t upset your husband? She’s treating you like rubbish. I wouldn’t have accepted old tubes of opened cream etc.

And it’s not a money thing. We don’t have that much money so I’ve given and received some cheap gifts, cheap books etc. In my opinion it is actually the thought that counts - so a book by an author I love from the charity shop/cheap off Amazon from someone who doesn’t have much money is a lovely gift cheap or not. An old tube of cream from a wealthy relative who just passed out iPads to the rest of the family is shitty and nasty.

Kanaloa · 10/03/2022 01:32

@1forAll74

I think that you should be grateful for anything. mentioning torn packaging and what you consider the price of things, is not nice at all, and to mention what you have spent on her at times, is quite irrelevant.
Bullshit. I don’t believe anyone would sit there with a warm fuzzy feeling after having spent a large amount on someone to be handed back a ripped box with a 99p diffuser inside.