To be upset at secondhand gifts?

[GirlMum93]

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....? 

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used) 

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all

I think MIL is being spiteful in a “clever” way. I have and still do experience similar mean MIL behaviour. Although the head on approach of giving gifts back or saying something might seem to be a good tactic - be wary. I’ve tried this and in my husbands family ultimately it was twisted around and I ended up seeming thoughtless, ungrateful and mean. My husband is an ok person, his family operates 2 tiers blood and in laws. I’ve learnt to accept their crap (physical presents and words), and then bin it. For your mental health find a way to work through the rubbish. For your marriage find a way not to fight over it. My husband is 90% of the time oblivious to her manipulation so fighting hurts us not her - and I won’t give her the satisfaction.
You are not being unreasonable you are worth better than her treatment. Sadly the problem is in her head and you can’t change that. So change your reaction. It’s hard so good luck!

@SimSam

I think MIL is being spiteful in a “clever” way. I have and still do experience similar mean MIL behaviour. Although the head on approach of giving gifts back or saying something might seem to be a good tactic - be wary. I’ve tried this and in my husbands family ultimately it was twisted around and I ended up seeming thoughtless, ungrateful and mean. My husband is an ok person, his family operates 2 tiers blood and in laws. I’ve learnt to accept their crap (physical presents and words), and then bin it. For your mental health find a way to work through the rubbish. For your marriage find a way not to fight over it. My husband is 90% of the time oblivious to her manipulation so fighting hurts us not her - and I won’t give her the satisfaction. You are not being unreasonable you are worth better than her treatment. Sadly the problem is in her head and you can’t change that. So change your reaction. It’s hard so good luck!

I agree with this.

You know this is spiteful and just one of many of her “under the radar” contemptuous passive aggressive attacks.

You know she doesn’t like you.

You know your DH is in denial but you (understandably) want his acknowledgment of what’s going on - but he either won’t or can’t see it - so drop this expectation (because as PP said it will backfire on you and undermine your marriage - which is MIL might be satisfied with) …..

BUT - take your own actions - emotionally and physically take yourself out of her life - no need to announce it or debate it with your DH or feel you need to justify it to yourself or anyone else - she is implicitly unpleasant to you - so don’t expose yourself to her shenanigans.

@GirlMum93, sorry you're being targetted like this - weaponising gifts, as someone said upthread. I'd remind DH once that Mother's Day is coming up and he needs to do something for his mum, then say nothing more about it. Even better text him and screenshot your text as proof.

When he forgets, gets into trouble, and asks you why you didn't do anything, you can remind him of the conversation and tell him you did your mum, that you don't expect him to do for your mum and he shouldn't expect you to do for his mum.

Same for her birthday.

Please come back after Mother's Day and let us know what happened! Good luck..

@User73ui843

"Oh look mil..a jumper just like the one you showed me a couple of months ago.. we can be jumper twins".

"Oh look.. this handcream has been opened, I'll take it back to the shop!"

Anyway it's not environmentally friendly to give people stuff they'll throw out, it's certainly not nice to hand over worn jumpers, opened creams and any old crap.
She could have said 'I dint like this jumper/cream/perfume do you want it? That's fine.
It's also fine to regift items that are brand new and you'd have bought anyway for someone eg a voucher to a shop they love, a perfume that's their favourite that hasn't been opened etc.

I've occasionally been given second hand perfume, but on good terms.

If it's been opened, but they don't like it, or say it doesn't last long, etc - they offer it to me.

And that's fine with me, cos it's not metaphorically just lobbed at me from across the room.

The OP's mil is out of order, though, her attitude stinks and no way should the OP be fucking 'grateful' and think it's 'the thought that counts'.
The only thought is contempt and humiliation.

@MrsLargeEmbodied

you are being mercenary why should you care how much she spends it is a gift

Nah, mate.

You're talking out of your arse.

She isn't at all being mercenary, as well you know.

@KittenKong

I was once given a really scary China faced doll. They freak the hell out of me and who gives a 30 year old woman a dolly (I don’t collect dolls, teddies or weird things - or horror film props). It was seriously creepy.

So I have it to a local (to me) charity shop and hoped I’d never be asked about it.

Bugger me if they didn’t send it over to the branch of the charity store near the person who gave it to me - and put it in the bloody window. It was the same (brought abroad, still in the box).

I swear to god it was scowling at me every time I passed by (and it was there for ages - because it was so freaky). I assumed it had killed everyone in the first shop and had been moved on.

That last sentence is a killer! 😂

This is totally unacceptable…

But why not spend time finding the worst bit of tat you can find at Christmas and birthdays and gifting her those.

Or just regifting the things you get from her back to her?

Or, even better, ask the question directly of her at a point that would cause maximum embarrassment…it doesn’t sound like there’s a relationship worth saving.

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

*This.

You need to re-gift back, unless you are prepared to confront her. I think it's abysmal of her. Why isn't your DH standing up for you?

[quote GloriaSicTransitMundi]@GirlMum93, sorry you're being targetted like this - weaponising gifts, as someone said upthread. I'd remind DH once that Mother's Day is coming up and he needs to do something for his mum, then say nothing more about it. Even better text him and screenshot your text as proof.

When he forgets, gets into trouble, and asks you why you didn't do anything, you can remind him of the conversation and tell him you did your mum, that you don't expect him to do for your mum and he shouldn't expect you to do for his mum.

Same for her birthday.

Please come back after Mother's Day and let us know what happened! Good luck..[/quote]
I will come back and let everyone know ! Thank you for all your comments 💕

@GingerWit

You need to remind your husband whose bed he sleeps in.

I have. I've also reminded him who has had this child etc. She will never cut the apron strings with him. All the family say it and see it.

@Ikeptgoing

I agree with others who suggest you rise above it and, but really I'd have far too much fun (see my earlier post) finding cheap gifts for MIL from both DH & me that would cost next to nothing (but are actually new and she wouldn't know cost for sure!! )

So thinking these kind of things 😬 ....
(Just buy a few ready for next couple years and give one at a time as if they reeeaaally cost a lot of money! )

Faux Pearl Beaded necklace 75p

https://api-shein.shein.com/h5/sharejump/appsharejump?lan=en&share_type=goods&site=iosshgb&localcountry=gb&currency=GBP&id=1404392

Rhinestone geo drop earrings £1

https://m.shein.co.uk/Rhinestone-Geo-Drop-Earrings-p-2527134-cat-1757.html?scici=sidecatWomen~~Jewelryandwatches~~11133~~reall1760~~,NaviAllTab~~0

Rhinestone Heart Charm Necklace 75p
https://api-shein.shein.com/h5/sharejump/appsharejump?lan=en&share_type=goods&site=iosshgb&localcountry=gb&currency=GBP&id=3346579

6 gold coloured Simple Chain Braceleta £2
(Then give her one per gift!)
https://api-shein.shein.com/h5/sharejump/appsharejump?lan=en&share_type=goods&site=iosshgb&localcountry=gb&currency=GBP&id=1466539

Jewellery bags organza x100 for £6
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0913HC6KS/ref=cmswwrothhapiglttiGF9Q5D7M1YCS5QWPDYZY??encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Or Jewellery bags x10 black velvet £3
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09NX93WHF/ref=cmswwrothhapiglttiJ9Q42G7ZR5TZAV6N2N5H??encoding=UTF8&psc=1

It's funny how those "bespoke pieces of jewellery" came from "a local artisan at craft stall" you visited (tell a story 😄)

SHEIN Batwing Sleeve Tropical Print Top £4.50
https://api-shein.shein.com/h5/sharejump/appsharejump?lan=en&share_type=goods&site=iosshgb&localcountry=gb&currency=GBP&id=9132252

SHEIN often do big discounts codes you put in at checkout to get it much cheaper 30-50% off and free shipping on orders over £35- so buy a few things at same time for the DDs!!

This is nicely passive aggressive, i agree, but it's still going to far too much trouble for the OP's mil.

She doesn't deserve anything, cheap, second hand, new, or otherwise.

She sounds so pig headed that she wouldn't spot the cleverness of the slight.

I feel for you OP, my MIL was the same. Her birthday was a week before mine and for the first five or so years of DH and I relationship we would both go to visit her on the day with cards, gifts etc (usually chosen and wrapped by me) and every year at this visit she would comment on how it was my birthday soon and that she was planning to buy me something nice. Not even as much as a card materialised in all those years, other than one time where I was given a box of biscuits which was two years out of date.

In the end I stopped making an effort and left DH to it, with varying results as he has memory issues due to a mild learning difficulty. I agree with PPs about just getting DH to deal with his own mother, these sort of jobs are always seen as 'wifework' aren't they?

Definitely dont bother anymore i hate that its wife work to buy presents

i used to do it then said nope youre family you sort it

As for her presents ask him how he felt about the crapjeans he got an go from there

I regularly re-gift or buy secondhand gifts for my best friend but always with thought about what she would love. For example, I recently bought myself a new handbag and when it arrived it was more her style so I gave it to her for Christmas. She re-gifts things to me and regularly buys in charity shops too, but I have always been touched that she has found something that is right for me. We use the money saved to meet up and have a meal together as we're often strapped for cash.
On the other hand I have a wealthy relative who always regifts of charity shop buys stupid and inappropriate gifts for everyone. She'll give you an out of date tin of quality street from Christmas for your birthday in July. We all joke about it!
Thus would really smart though, to be singled out and treated differently. To be given an unwashed jumper that she actually told you she didn't like. To receive things that are not your style and obviously either free gifts with purchases or stuff MIL doesn't want for herself. What a bitch!

Always, always ask for money from your MIL - that way, she has no choice but to spend the appropriate gift amount. Say that you are getting money from everyone to put towards a laptop or something.

@SkyeT

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?

Yes it's the thought that counts. Giving away tat you don't want to a recipient that wouldn't want it use the tat is thoughtless would you not say?

Maybe for the next gift for your MIL suggest to your oh something that could be regifted and see his response? Maybe suggest to him that she seems to like that given the charity shop gifts for your kids so you should respect her wishes and do the same for her?
😉

I do think though that you have to let this go. If she can’t see your worth then that’s her issue. The alternative is to confront her about it abs that could have consequences for your family that you don’t want. Your oh has to respect your feelings and not focus on it as criticism of his mother.
Let it go for the sake of your own head. See it as entertainment, how cheap can she go!

I wouldn't have a problem with something being regifted to me, IF it was something I'd really like, and if it was in good condition. I'm not too fussed about the box / wrapping etc, but the item should be good. In the same way, I'd be happy with something second hand, but again IF it was something I really wanted, and was in good, or useable condition (obviously depends what it is, too - second hand underwear - no - but old jewellery etc, or even a jacket - no problem). I definitely have had things from my children that I know have come from charity shops, but they make no secret of the fact, and are things they know I'd like. They go on the 'can get a much better present for the money they have' approach, and I get that.
However, a rich MIL, who spends lots on others, and re-gifts you things she has said she doesn't like, and that you wouldn't want, is just a way of her putting you down, and telling you that in her eyes you're not worth either the thought or money. If it's things she has told you she doesn't like, it's also a bit of a comment on your taste (as in, I'm more sophisticated than you sort of thing).
However, I think I'd not react, but would leave present buying for her to your husband, and would definitely consider regifting them back to her.
I've had similar from my MIL, jumpers that are 6 sizes too big, ugly and cheap, a really nasty fake leather (but very nasty fake) handbag, some perfume that would be best used to get rid of foxes.... hey ho!

Thank you SO much everyone for your comments, can't say how much this has helped me. Perhaps it's not just me being 'ungrateful' then.

Update: me and DH were out shopping yesterday. All the 'mothers day' gift bags are out and presents. Lovely DH picked up a Mother's Day gift bag and said 'that will be nice for mum' and 'I'll have to get her some bits'. That's once in years ..... typical

My mother once gave my then husband a little packet of wire plant rings for Christmas . My brother in law was quietly given an envelope, I think he was supposed to open it later, it was a cheque.

@notjaneausten

My mother once gave my then husband a little packet of wire plant rings for Christmas . My brother in law was quietly given an envelope, I think he was supposed to open it later, it was a cheque.

Same with my MIL. SIL always gets the nice gifts.

She always harps on as well about 'all of you are equal' there is no equal about us

No but wish I'd said "ooh you bought yourself the same necklace?!" 🤣

Sorry, that's was supposed to quote my previous post about the necklace!

Ok - so your DH bought his mother a gift bag so far. Did he buy anything to go in it??? Probably not.

Update- apparently MIL told DH that she was going to 'drop off' some flowers on my birthday whilst I was working from home on my own (DH works in a factory). So those never turned up.... so why on earth did she tell DH she would but then doesn't? Is she playing games? I'm devastated im not worth even a bunch of flowers. I said to DH 'oh ok' and he just went went upstairs and got changed .... he just doesn't see it