To be upset at secondhand gifts?

[GirlMum93]

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....? 

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used) 

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all

If your husband is fine with it then I'd suggest to him that you gift your mother in law the top and the smellies and the purse from the back of your cupboard that you've never really liked or used. See what he says. If he is ok with it then fair enough but if he isn't then he has double standards (or higher standards for his mum)

I was once given a really scary China faced doll. They freak the hell out of me and who gives a 30 year old woman a dolly (I don’t collect dolls, teddies or weird things - or horror film props). It was seriously creepy.

So I have it to a local (to me) charity shop and hoped I’d never be asked about it.

Bugger me if they didn’t send it over to the branch of the charity store near the person who gave it to me - and put it in the bloody window. It was the same (brought abroad, still in the box).

I swear to god it was scowling at me every time I passed by (and it was there for ages - because it was so freaky). I assumed it had killed everyone in the first shop and had been moved on.

the clue is in the beginning
the op does not have a great relationship with her MIL

In theory I have no problem with regifting. I can totally understand the logic behind it.

In practice, and shoot me if this makes me a grabby capitalist bastrd, every time it's been done to me it's left the clear impression that someone can't be arsed and is using sustainability as a figleaf for that fact. In recent years I've been regifted a blanket which I know someone was keeping in their spare room, a set of really naff coffee cups and, wait for it, a gift wrapped rock. All of those presents screamed "Oh help, I can't find anything, let's just give her this."

If regifting presents genuinely are appropriate and well thought out they can theoretically be lovely but they always feel like a cheap afterthought.

Is it to do with her upbringing? My MIL who was a lovely person was very tight around presents. She was brought up in real poverty and even though later in life she was comfortably off I think she just couldn't get into the whole presents thing. She would seem quite distressed about receiving nice gifts - didn't like us wasting our money! She got some awful things for the kids - plastic bag of grubby plastic toys one year. She did get some nice things too, but she definitely had an issue around gift giving.

@SkyeT

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?

As long as the gift is in good condition and not obviously used, worn or inappropriate to the recipient. Some thought needs to be put in to regifting too.

I’ve had plenty of regifts in my time but I’ve never done it.

"Is it to do with her upbringing"

No because it's only the OP that she does this to. We stopped doing gifts with my Sister for the same reason. If it's the thought that counts then you think about what the recipient would like and get it. If it's the norm to give presents and people are spending on you, then they shouldn't be grateful for any old shit thrown at them.

As for saving things from landfill, there's enough charities around who'll do that for you.

Your husbands sister is the favoured child and this is cascading down to her children as well.

Nothing you do will change it.

My Mother had a very obviously favoured child and then her grandchildren became the favoured grandchildren. I am one of six children. Two of us just accepted it. The other three spent a lifetime handwringing over it and being upset, why did she prefer the youngest sister etc. my Mother lived to the great age of 93 and she left her entire worldly goods which was quite a decent amount to the favoured child only. Myself and the other accepting sister just thought well whatever but the others were incredibly upset. It was Mothers last chance to treat us equally.

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

just dont worry about it op

perhaps work on your relationship?

I can't recall getting gifts from my in laws in years. They've even stopped giving Xmas presents to my kids (teens).
She may be a frugal woman and so what? Just let it go.

And I have a great relationship with them, it's just something they don't do.

@1forAll74

I think that you should be grateful for anything. mentioning torn packaging and what you consider the price of things, is not nice at all, and to mention what you have spent on her at times, is quite irrelevant.

You have deliberately missed the point!! It’s the inequality and thoughtlessness that has offended OP !

Give her a charity goat on every occasion from now on.

Your husband isn’t stupid, he knows exactly what’s going on with the presents. He pretends it’s all hunky dory as he doesn’t want to rock the boat and have to stick up for you to his mother. He’s not nice!
Have you actually had a proper conversation with him about all of this where you lay it all out on the table.
I would be telling him you will not be involved with his family’s present buying ever again
You will also be telling your family to stop buying him thoughtful gifts when his family not only cannot give you the same courtesy by continuing to give you secondhand shite gifts.

My boss at work once gave me a candle that had been obviously lit before as a moving home present and my SIL gave me a perfume set one Christmas that I'd given to her the Christmas before.

I laughed them both off because I don't set my worth on what other people give me as presents (and I mean that in the nicest way possible, OP). As a previous poster said, leave the present buying for that side of the family to your DH from now on and try and stop caring so much. I doubt being upset (or any reaction or even your DH having a word) will change anything so try and change your response to it.

Definitely make a gift of the perfume for Mother's Day except it has to come from your DH not you....You are not going to be doing gifts for his side of the family any more. For any of the family.

Stick to it.
Don't do cards, don't do gifts. If there is an event coming up (birthday/mother's or father's day/ christening/wedding) and it's on his side of the family, HE looks after the gift and card. Not your job any more.

Step back and stop doing it. Let your DH know that it's up to him now. But step back.

I’m in tow minds about that.

I’ve had second hand gifts from my MIL and I’ve give second hand gifts to DH (and always for the dcs when they were little! Toys…..)
DH has also been known to give MIL some pretty cheap stuff alongside some more expensive ones - thinks he knew his mum needed

But yours are nit second hand gifts that have been thought about. A hand cream that has been used? Really?
It’s more like she is using you to get rid of all the stuff she doesn’t want/like Wo feeling guilty of putting them in the bin iyswim. And that’s not on.

Definitely regift it back to her for mothers day. If she says that she gave that to you, just say 'we thought we would get you one too'.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

If your husband is fine with it then I'd suggest to him that you gift your mother in law the top and the smellies and the purse from the back of your cupboard that you've never really liked or used. See what he says. If he is ok with it then fair enough but if he isn't then he has double standards (or higher standards for his mum)

Yes, good idea.

And stop buying for your inlaws op. Leave it to him.

@CharSiu

Your husbands sister is the favoured child and this is cascading down to her children as well.

Nothing you do will change it.

My Mother had a very obviously favoured child and then her grandchildren became the favoured grandchildren. I am one of six children. Two of us just accepted it. The other three spent a lifetime handwringing over it and being upset, why did she prefer the youngest sister etc. my Mother lived to the great age of 93 and she left her entire worldly goods which was quite a decent amount to the favoured child only. Myself and the other accepting sister just thought well whatever but the others were incredibly upset. It was Mothers last chance to treat us equally.

I don’t understand parents who do this, unless they have such a mean personality they enjoy upsetting some of their children. Sometimes there is good reason for an unequal split that family members will understand, there may even be discussion about decisions before they are made. But to just cut some family members out in favour of others is downright nasty.

I would get dh to say something because it’s mean and unacceptable
She knows what she is doing.
I’d then just charity shop it all. My ex gran used to gift me crap like that. I just laughed and it became a joke in the end because she had issues with getting things so cheap but she later stopped once we commented.

This sounds very passive aggressive behaviour from your Mil. She must realise what's she's doing if she's handing out new expensive gifts to other people. Your DH also must realise what's she's doing and he's not standing up for you either.

I would definitely pass the gift responsibility to your DH if he wants to continue this farce. He's getting away lightly with this.

Your options with your Mil are to front her out and say no more gifts for you thank you very much. Don't complain or explain. She knows why.

Or to accept, bin or send her tat to the charity shop with the distain it deserves.

She's winning at the moment because her aggression is hitting the mark every time and upsetting you.

Just suggest you don't do presents anymore and move on. Yes it's hurtful but being spiteful back won't improve your life. You can't force people to like you.
I have never received a gift from my MIL and dh has never received a gift from his. We all get along just fine - no need for gifts.