To be upset at secondhand gifts?

[GirlMum93]

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....? 

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used) 

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all

@SkyeT

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?

But the point is that she only does this to OP.

If she gave secondhand gifts to everyone, that would be different. But she doesn’t. She gives everyone large amounts of cash or things that are new. So there’s a clear message being sent there.

Just to add weaponised gift giving is very common in dysfunctional families. It's very difficult to tackle because of the nature of 'gifts' ie given freely and from a place of altruism. In a healthy family even-handedness comes into play, the same with not favouritising one child over others.

In this situation no amount of analysing or justifying will change it. The only way to deal with it is to take yourself outside the 'game'.

I don't receive gifts from my MIL I think the first birthday card I received from her was for my 40th and I'd been with DH for 21 years by then! In return I don't get involved with buying presents for her. My mother used to receive second hand gifts from her MIL, one year it was a half used bottle of nail polish.

She's bought charity shop presents for my DD also. I've had to bin a few as they've had teeth marks and stains on them

Most charity shops wouldn’t sell things in that condition.

Why do you think she must spend lots of money on gifts for you? You don’t like her, and she probably doesn’t like you. Why not just let her off the hook and tell her she doesn’t have to get you anything at all?

It sounds like she is being malicious, OP. Lovely presents to everyone but you & your child; her own grandchild. What a nasty piece of work.

In your position, I'd be tempted to tell both sets of parents that you & your husband don't want gifts any longer; you'd rather the focus was on the grandkids.

Don't let the way your mother in law behaves get to you. Her behaviour says a lot more about her than it does about you.

I don't do this but then again I just don't want or expect presents for every birthday. I'd prefer more money spent less times. I would just tell her - oh please don't put yourself out. What's the point of collecting tat you don't want?

She is treating you with contempt.

Know that she has zero respect for you.

Know that your DH doesn’t want to rock the boat with his DM and is happy for you to be a bystander.

I suspect that on reflection you have sensed other passive aggressive contemptuous behaviours and comments from her in the past.

She will never change - but you can.

Don’t let her hurt you. Don’t let her upset you. If her behaviour is problematic then switch up the dynamic and change how you see her and interact with her. She doesn’t value you - so you don’t have to value her.

Take back your power and decide how much exposure you want yourself and your child to have to her antics and detach and withdraw.

Why are you allowing this to continue.

Stop all gifts.

Stop gifts from your family to your awful husband.

He knows well but doesn't care.

What an awful family you married into.

Do nothing for them at all.

Find your self respect and don't accept this treatment.

Regift her gifts back for mothers day and never buy again for her.

Stop doing so much for that husband of yours who is happy to turn the other way while his mother behaves like this.

Oh and when your daughter was given something dirty and used, you should have returned it and given your husband hell over it.

My sister in law regifts and buys second hand gifts as she's very environmentally friendly. But they're always in good condition and relevant to the receiver. You can tell she's put thought in. For example, a second hand toy will be in a neat box and well wrapped. There might also be a small collection of toys along a theme.

My in laws get me completely shit gifts like supermarket sets of bubble bath etc. Now DH buys their gifts and I made a big song and dance about how he chose them specially for them so they know the rubbish they get has been hand selected by their son. My SIL on the other hand also gets awful gifts for me, but I rise above it and buy gorgeous things for her and her family that I know they will love. The moral high ground is a nicer place to be than joining her in the gutter.

My grandmother was wealthy and constantly going on holidays abroad. My immediate family were living in poverty. For Christmas, I'd get the free samples that were from her various trips. It's nothing to do with being environmentally friendly, it's a form of showing you her contempt, and that she thinks you're so thick you won't notice.

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

I think I’d be gifting them back.

Me too

I would tell and show your husband every time.

@Justilou1

I expect you’re in charge of presents at your house… Start returning the favour. When she complains, (which she will) just say “But I assumed you had a thing for charity shop presents because that’s what you’ve always given me and DD.” Then look her in the eye and say breezily, “Oh well, it’s the thought that counts.”

Perfect!

My mother does this. Charity shop gifts, not even things I like (which is worse than the fact they're secondhand). Makes me feel of very low worth in her eyes.

Have you pointed out the issues with these ‘presents’ to your Husband?
I would give them back to her.

I've had some absolute belters off my in laws. Smelly set that had finger marks in the body butter, out of date chocolates, pair of them granny slippers that have the Velcro for people who have trouble getting them on, pack of five tights with one pair missing, an ashtray (I've never smoked), a two for one cinema voucher they got off some car insurance deal, a dressing gown in a size 22 (I'm a 12), perfume that let off a plume of dust when I opened the box, a random ornament of a Rastafarian smoking a spliff (one of my favourites that is), a phone case that they'd bought for a niece but they didn't like and a bottle of wine that I was surprised with as it's a favourite of mine...only to discover it had already been opened and they must of took a glass, thendidn't like and refilled it with lemonade I suspect! Lol!

I actually look forward to the presents now for the laugh 😂😂😂

I let my dh deal with his families presents in return. So I don't feel so miffed about it.

Strange thing is they seem to like me usually, never a cross word with them, friendly etc. oh well lol

I would thank her for the present but suggest that perhaps you don't do them anymore. Leave it to your DH to get her presents if he wants in future but don't get involved.

Leave his family gift buying to him

Ask your parents to regift stuff to your DH. He clearly has a fog when it comes to his family.

Its a shitty thing for your MIL to do. I have received charity shop gifts from my MIL before but they were thoughtful ones such as crockery from a set I collect and they were always accompanied by flowers.

I also recommend the toxic inlaws book. Helped my friend a lot.

We have the family ' tenner ' . MIL sends a £10 in a card . We post her a £10 for her birthday. I joke we ought to mark it to see if it's the same one going backwards and forwards.😂😂
I once suggested that we send cards only , and weirdly , she didn't want to do that !

We do sometimes regift, but we don't open the thing/use it.. its left unopened and pristine if its something we know we dont like/won't use.

I cannot fathom for the life of me regifting something we've used O.o

I'd definitely tell DH how you feel, and then tell him he can sort his families presents out from here on in.

I see no poblem with regifting but it largely depends on the relationships. Not much you can do here though, but I'd be giving her stuff back. Maybe along with some smartshow 3d video card so that she couldn't claim it's totally the same gift. After all, if your DH sees nothing wrong with it why should you?

I go for the Michelle Obama approach
They go low, we go high.

My system is:

• I smile politely and put it to one side.
• I'm effusive about other gifts I actually like.
• it goes by the front door and straight to charity shop.
• Controversially, I do not let DH buy the gifts for her. I buy them for her.

They are unobjectionable gifts in that they are luxury and nice "lady gifts"
I always get them 70-80% off from "decent brands" so a pengaligons candles gift set reduced from 60 to 20. Aspinal leather carder holder reduced from 70 to 15. 80% off decent brand leather bags.
Dh doesnt know that they are sale/discount but can see how much "effort" I make vs her and also the gap between his gifts from her and mine.
Cumulatively it is making him see the bigger pattern of behaviours / how she is treating me.

And I always make a point of saying how DH picked the design / colour etc especially
Half the time she likes it, half the time it gets cats bum face. I don't care.

I am indifferent and don't expect anything from her.