To be upset at secondhand gifts?

[GirlMum93]

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....? 

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used) 

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all

@LookItsMeAgain

Ok - so your DH bought his mother a gift bag so far. Did he buy anything to go in it??? Probably not.

Not yet .... that's what I was thinking but I am sure he probably will.

My MIL has supposedly “reached out” for the last six years (never heard a peep/had a text/missed call/carrier pigeon) and has “No idea why” I have cut her off… (forgotten that she called my DD1 a slut when she was nearly 12 and then sent my twins totally disparate financial presents and one a card saying “Don’t be naughty.” DH of course believes what he wants. 🙄

So, you go back to your DH and say that even though you were at home all the time, you must have missed the flower delivery and could MiL give him the number of the florist that she used so that you can raise it directly with then.

Start making it his problem to sort out. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I really do mean every time she says she'll do something like drop off flowers/give a gift, draw your DH's attention to it until he has to do something about it and the easiest thing to do is to tell his mother to stop singling you and your DD out for getting crap gifts and if she can't see that she is sending different messages to her granddaughter on one side to what she is sending to your SiL and her kids, then she just won't be allowed to see you or your DD any more.

My mother apparently “came and saved me” from my abusive relationship abroad.

Did she fuck!

She undermined every attempt I made to get out, she came for a holiday and told me I was lucky to have him.

What she told others was a complete load of BS. She told them all what she knew she should’ve done. It was the absolute pole opposite of What she actually did.

Apparently she’s sad I’m not in touch anymore.

But she told me in writing that “we were never that close” after moving without telling me hardly anything about anything

Call MIL out to your H every single time. Leave all her shitty gifts behind, don’t life a finger to accommodate her and be out if your H ever invites her round.

@GirlMum93

Update- apparently MIL told DH that she was going to 'drop off' some flowers on my birthday whilst I was working from home on my own (DH works in a factory). So those never turned up.... so why on earth did she tell DH she would but then doesn't? Is she playing games? I'm devastated im not worth even a bunch of flowers. I said to DH 'oh ok' and he just went went upstairs and got changed .... he just doesn't see it

She seems to enjoy playing games. Leave her to it. What you can do is manage your own reaction. Why be devastated when it's just more of the same from her? Don't allow her to do that to you. She ain't worth it.

Send yourself some flowers, let him ask oh are these the ones my mum sent. Reply with of course not! Preferably with a sarcastic laugh.

Thanks for your comments everyone x

Thanks @RachelGreeneGreep what upsets me more is that DH didn't notice and just shoves it over his shoulder. I still haven't mentioned anything to him about how I feel as it's been a couple of weeks now he will wonder why I am bringing it up now.

I feel like I never have a chance to get back at her. Ball is always in her court. DH works at the family business so he sees her everyday so she is happy, I'm just on the side

@LookItsMeAgain

So, you go back to your DH and say that even though you were at home all the time, you must have missed the flower delivery and could MiL give him the number of the florist that she used so that you can raise it directly with then.

Start making it his problem to sort out. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

I really do mean every time she says she'll do something like drop off flowers/give a gift, draw your DH's attention to it until he has to do something about it and the easiest thing to do is to tell his mother to stop singling you and your DD out for getting crap gifts and if she can't see that she is sending different messages to her granddaughter on one side to what she is sending to your SiL and her kids, then she just won't be allowed to see you or your DD any more.

If I saw MIL is not allowed to see DD anymore DH would likely not support that at all so I would have no say.

Sorry say*

I will come back and let everyone know ! Thank you for all your comments 💕

@GirlMum93 I have to ask you, did you regift the perfume (or any of her other gifts) to her?

@Deedee248 no I didn't. As it brings me down to her level also.... I didn't have the guts.

I decided to not bring up Mother's Day so DP went shopping and bought her some lovely gifts in M&S for Mother's Day, doesn't see what she's like. I will never win so I admit defeat. I won't be reminding him of birthdays etc seems like he's more than capable.

Be very grateful that you didn't get American Tan tights. 30 denier. And then have to act grateful. She's dead now, and I had nothing to do with that m'lud

OH! AND! She Who Must Be Obeyed inspected my plugholes. FFS. who does that?

I wonder, how did she get "so rich"?
I think she's not rich, at all. Her richness came from you. For my 21st birthday, my Mum ran (yes, ran) upstairs, and presented me with me ... a lime green bra. I can't begin to tell you how delighted I was to receive this!

[quote GirlMum93]@Deedee248 no I didn't. As it brings me down to her level also.... I didn't have the guts.

I decided to not bring up Mother's Day so DP went shopping and bought her some lovely gifts in M&S for Mother's Day, doesn't see what she's like. I will never win so I admit defeat. I won't be reminding him of birthdays etc seems like he's more than capable. [/quote]
Did he remember to do this himself or was he reminded by you?

Hope you got some nice stuff for Mothers Day and yes don't get involved in any present buying or reminding of key dates and her crappy gifts straight in bin. Don't even open them.

This

ZOMBIE!
However, I remember this thread and OP I hope you've fully delegated gift buying for his side of the family to your H this year. And can play a game of 'how shit can her present to me be this time', while gently pickled on Bucks Fizz and Baileys.

Totally agree with environmentally friendly. Unfortunately MIL doesn't even see it that way, she just can't bring herself to spend money on me.

Does she 'have to' buy for anyone? No

Do you 'have to' accept what she gives you? No

So if you don't want what she gives you and would rather go without, just tell her so, that way neither of you have to feel obliged to be fake with each other.