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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at secondhand gifts?

418 replies

GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:03

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....?

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used)

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all Sad

OP posts:
UnsuitableHat · 10/03/2022 06:56

Could you suggest that you don’t do presents anymore?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 10/03/2022 06:59

best wishes @TwoBigNoisyBoys

Polyanthus2 · 10/03/2022 06:59

Next time straight in the bin - wouldn't even open them. To get the point across to DH.

Gardeningdream · 10/03/2022 07:01

I also couldn’t care less about inlaws gifts, I don’t really understand to be honest why it’s a big deal, just charity shop them if you don’t like them, you’re not entitled to her spending money on you, it’s just a gift from an in law.

georgarina · 10/03/2022 07:04

It's really rude!

ExMIL would do this. When a MIL she would pick really nice gifts but when our relationship ended I would get things that other people had clearly given her (because they'd given me the same). It does make you feel like you're not worth thinking about or spending thought on.

WhatAWasteOfOranges · 10/03/2022 07:06

You’re an adult, do you really need a gift? Of course she’s going to get her son and daughter bigger presents. Try not to let it get to you! Also I think it’s nice she gets a nice present from your family - a matriarch of the family. Buy yourself something nice and don’t worry about it 😊 life is too short!

spotcheck · 10/03/2022 07:06

@SkyeT

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?
I think that's the point .. No though put in.
spotcheck · 10/03/2022 07:07

*thought

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 10/03/2022 07:12

Regift the presents back to her and if it doesn't stop there, just stop buying her presents. And say that you'd like her to do the same or donate the equivalent spent on gifts (ha!) to charity.

RampantIvy · 10/03/2022 07:17

Why does your husband support his mother's shitty treatment towards you?

I agree with PP that you leave gift buying for his family to him.

Magdalena543 · 10/03/2022 07:21

I don't know why it's always me who misses out when I make the most effort with people, DH just sits back and relaxes doesn't have to lift a finger with gifts, especially with his family I don't understand why, in the 21st century, women still take on this wife work. How many men fret about what to buy their inlaws?!

OP, just take the stuff to the charity shop. My brother always gets me charity shop stuff. Doesn't really bother me and usually goes back to a charity shop. There's really nothing else you can do other than suggest no presents in future.

KittenKong · 10/03/2022 07:27

I once got a dressing gown - nice. No tags, sleeved rolled up, and a scrunched up hanky in the pocket…

Papertyger · 10/03/2022 07:32

Well, if my dp were the type to give me 1oo and make efforts with presents then I'd expect my husband took receive something similar and if not I'd ask that they didn't bother

mum2jakie · 10/03/2022 07:33

I'd call her out on it. Eh: when you open the jumper that's she's already shown you and told you she doesn't like.

"Oh! I remember this jumper! This is the one you showed me the other week. The one XXX gave you and you didn't like it? Yeah, I can see why. You really shouldn't have bothered!!"

Followed with, shall we just agree not to give bother with presents moving forward? It's so hard getting something nice isn't it?

If nobody gives a shit about your feelings, why are you bothered about theirs?

Datsandcogs · 10/03/2022 07:34

Open the gifts at her house and then leave them there. When she tries to return them point out that they smell of her/are already open but you haven’t had them to wear or use so they can’t possibly be yours.

RachelGreeneGreep · 10/03/2022 07:35

@mum2jakie

I'd call her out on it. Eh: when you open the jumper that's she's already shown you and told you she doesn't like.

"Oh! I remember this jumper! This is the one you showed me the other week. The one XXX gave you and you didn't like it? Yeah, I can see why. You really shouldn't have bothered!!"

Followed with, shall we just agree not to give bother with presents moving forward? It's so hard getting something nice isn't it?

If nobody gives a shit about your feelings, why are you bothered about theirs?

Exactly.
stimpy1 · 10/03/2022 07:36

If she is on social media, post a picture of the presents and tag her then if she has refitted the person who brought it for her will know! I say this as someone who has regifted in the past but only appropriate and unopened gifts

FrecklesMalone · 10/03/2022 07:55

We stopped all adult gifts about 10 years ago. It was brilliant. No more having to buy each other gifts at no one really wanted, no more disappointments. Much less waste. We all have far too much shit anyway. I would be proposing this.

MzHz · 10/03/2022 08:02

If your mum saw this, then she’ll be on your side when it comes to mutual no gifts for our dc spouse, have you spoken to her?

Also, where were you when you opened the gifts? Your house or at MIL? If at MIL, rude as it is, but fuck it I’d leave her gifts behind. Let her clear up her own rubbish.

You’ve got some great solutions suggested here, whatever works for you, do it.

Lovemusic33 · 10/03/2022 08:08

I don’t see a huge issue, I have family members that gift 2nd hand gifts, they are not skint but just like to regift or save things from landfill. A gift isn’t really about cost or where it came from. I’m not a huge fan of getting gifts, people often get it wrong but at the end of the day it’s the thought that counts.

Zillamop · 10/03/2022 08:11

you are being mercenary
why should you care how much she spends

It isn't about the monetary value, it's about the gifts being deliberately unpleasant and a passive aggressive insult to the OP.

Honeyroar · 10/03/2022 08:14

@User73ui843

"Oh look mil..a jumper just like the one you showed me a couple of months ago.. we can be jumper twins".

"Oh look.. this handcream has been opened, I'll take it back to the shop!"

Anyway it's not environmentally friendly to give people stuff they'll throw out, it's certainly not nice to hand over worn jumpers, opened creams and any old crap.
She could have said 'I dint like this jumper/cream/perfume do you want it? That's fine.
It's also fine to regift items that are brand new and you'd have bought anyway for someone eg a voucher to a shop they love, a perfume that's their favourite that hasn't been opened etc.

I think pulling her up on it like this is the way forward. The jumper was the perfect opportunity- “wow, it’s just like the one you got for Xmas. Shall we have a photo in our matching jumpers?”
lemongreentea · 10/03/2022 08:16

What does your mum give to your husband as presents? Ask her to regift some old/opened gifts to him for his birthday and xmas and if he complains remind him its the same as what HIS mum does to you and he shouldnt be ungrateful/upset.

Your MIL sounds mean and spiteful OP.

lemongreentea · 10/03/2022 08:18

@Polyanthus2

Next time straight in the bin - wouldn't even open them. To get the point across to DH.
do this!
Gardeningcreature · 10/03/2022 08:18

Start regifting her this carp back. If she says anything just shrug and say yes you can have it back as I don't want it.