To be upset at secondhand gifts?

[GirlMum93]

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....? 

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used) 

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all

I make the most effort with people, DH just sits back and relaxes doesn't have to lift a finger with gifts, especially with his family.

Also not sure why you allow this and cringe away from saying anything so as not to upset your husband when he obviously doesn’t care less about upsetting you. What are you the whipping girl for the family? Why are you letting them all treat you so badly?

YANBU. That all sounds awful. As your MIL is so happy to regift, just regift some of the 2nd hand crap she has given you back to her for Mother’s Day and her birthday this year. Then leave any present buying to your DH in future.

You're family sound nice to do that to your DH. It's not you it's her so please don't worry.

If husband isn't supportive. I'd help out your mother and family when choosing gifts for him. I'm sure your dad has something that would be economical and good for the environment that they could sellotape and give to him? Then see his reaction and when he's surprised say only joking! We're not that stingy here are your real presents!

Next time you and your mother in law are alone have a real dig and tell them what your parents gave you because they're not stingy and say they give her son the same.

Please do regift her that perfume for Mother's Day. Your DH can't say anything to you can he then?

I expect you’re in charge of presents at your house… Start returning the favour. When she complains, (which she will) just say “But I assumed you had a thing for charity shop presents because that’s what you’ve always given me and DD.” Then look her in the eye and say breezily, “Oh well, it’s the thought that counts.”

I regift all the crap she gave to you back to her and make sure that she has to open it in front of other people. Make sure you tell her other relations how mean she is and let someone carry it back to her.
One time I was given a gift after I pulled a family member X on their lack of a gift. I then heard it was a re gift from y. I eventually got a chance to say to y what X had given to me. I wanted to let Y know just how mean X actually is.
At this stage I don't bother to buy X anything because I had enough of their meaness.

@SkyeT

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?

It's definitely the thought that counts, yes, so the question is what sort of thought is it? If the giver sees something in a charity shop and thinks 'wow my DIL would absolutely love that it is in great condition and exactly her style' then all good. If the thought is 'oh it's DIL's birthday next week and I need to give her something, but I don't want to spend any money or effort, so what do I have that I don't want any more that I can wrap up' then that's a different thought entirely. The first one is actually thinking about the recipient. The second one is only thinking about the giver.

She’s sending you a message by doing this OP - she doesn’t like you. My mil used to do the same to me.

My MiL rarely bothered with my birthday. One year we were there a few days after my birthday. She handed me a plaster of paris cupcake trinket box. Very childish item in it's clear plastic bag with a staple in it. Found out later it was a free gift from a kids comic.
One Xmas I got a very obvious regifted cardigan. I was a 12/14 and in my 20s. The old granny style cardigan was 22/24. DH was given some very nice shirts & dd had 1 pair of cheap pyjamas which unravelled & fell apart at the seams with the first wash.
SiL & her kids were always given decent presents & her exh given crap.

Second-hand gifts for you and no-one else? Definitely leave her gift to DH from now on, and if we had separate finances, I'd let him pay for it all. With joint finances, it's a bit meaningless, but I wouldn't be the one thinking of what to buy her, shopping around, or clicking "buy"/handing over the card or cash. Or if I had something I could "re-gift", maybe tell DH her gift is sorted. Then spend what you would've spent on her gift on yourself!!

"Oh look mil..a jumper just like the one you showed me a couple of months ago.. we can be jumper twins".

"Oh look.. this handcream has been opened, I'll take it back to the shop!"

Anyway it's not environmentally friendly to give people stuff they'll throw out, it's certainly not nice to hand over worn jumpers, opened creams and any old crap.
She could have said 'I dint like this jumper/cream/perfume do you want it? That's fine.
It's also fine to regift items that are brand new and you'd have bought anyway for someone eg a voucher to a shop they love, a perfume that's their favourite that hasn't been opened etc.

Oh and from now on. You do zero of the gift purchasing for him.
And tell your family not to bother getting him anything.

It is hurtful when people do this Op, and I say that as someone who genuinely enjoys pre-owned items as gifts or general purchases as I dislike waste. It seems that your real issue is that the gifts from your MIL don't have anything to do with you or your interests rather than them being 2nd hand? Last year my GMIL gave my DH an old, battered and dirty, ladies perfume box with 2 out of 4 items missing and the ladies perfume inside was out of date, I typed the code into Google to track the expiry and it hasn't been sold since 2003. I was gutted for my DH who loves his gran very much and he simply said "Oh that was nice of her, is it strictly a female fragrance or ambiguous?", he was crestfallen though. She knew it was no good as she rang on his birthday to be thanked and asked if anything was missing from the box because she thought there was - so she knew! Stop investing so much of yourselves in your MIL, you're casting pearls before swine.

Just cut MIL's birthday budget or decide to laugh about the dreadful presents.

@SkyeT

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?

Yeah and the thought here is ' can't be arsed to spend any money on this person so I'll give them something of mine I no longer want'

I often re-gift unopened things that would otherwise end up wasted but with thought put into it for the recipient, not a random distribution of unwanted open freebies!

My mil was like this as well. Terrible gifts. She handmade items and I told her I would love one for birthday she told me she already had a beautiful gift picked out for me. On my birthday I got a packet of coasters, a little photo album and a tea towel 😩 I decided this is her passive aggressive way of having a go. So I just thanked her for her gift and threw it in the op shop bag

Tell the in laws not to buy you birthday or Christmas presents moving forwards, and tell your parents and family not to buy for your dh

I agree with this.

I'd also wonder if the charity shop would be able to take opened items. You would be as well offering them to your DH to give her on Mother's Day as he knows you haven't used them.

I would give them back to her and say you are allergic and for hygiene reasons won’t accept the gifts. Tell her to give them to someone else if she’s bothered.

@SkyeT

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?

It would be fine to choose well thought out regifted presents if the OP's MIL did that to everyone. The problem here is that she buys expensive new presents for other people.

I agree with saying that you are not doing gifts anymore. I suggested that to a friend at Christmas who is very nice but does specialise in strange and cheap presents. Her disappointed reaction made me think that she had worked out that I spent a lot more on presents for her.

Sometimes I’d rather not get anything.

It is better. I can say that with confidence as I've never had a single present from my in-laws (literally, not one and that includes no wedding gift) and that's better than being expected to enthuse about being gifted damaged and obviously opened or otherwise discarded items.

She’s a spiteful cow, it’s as simple as that and if it was me I’d confront her, but I do understand if you wouldn’t want to do that.

I’d definitely stop buying her gifts and start regifting her your old perfumes etc that you don’t want, or give her nothing at all and speak to your DH.

I don’t know why people allow this type of behaviour, it’s passive aggressive and disrespectful and she’s a bitch who needs telling IMO.

Regift it back to her. She doesn’t care so why should you?

There's nothing wrong with charity shop/ second hand gifts in and of themselves. I've received some wonderfully thoughtful pre-loved gifts.

You can still put thought into gifting something that is secondhand, but that's where this falls down - your MIL sounds like she hasn't actually gone to pick out something personal to you but is just regifting something she's received/ doesn't want.

So it's not about it being secondhand, it's about the lack of thought.

Actually forgot to mention this story. (Probably blanked it out because my MIL still causes so much rage.) Just want to say that this was the FINAL nail in the coffin for me with her behaviour, so it wasn’t a one-off. She loved to play favourites and play people off against each other. She called my almost 13 year old, very studious, conscientious DD a slut because she spent her pocket money on an eyeshadow palette, then sent her a kid’s ceramic money box shaped like Cinderella’s carriage for her 13th bday, wrapped in Dora the Explorer paper. (I let her wheel it off our verandah onto the tiles below.) Two weeks later she sent our twins their 11th bday presents. GT received a giant box with tatty jewellery, makeup (irony), hair bits, etc and $50 in a very gushy card. BT received a small ziploc bag with filthy, used, fake Lego and $5 in a card that said “Don’t be naughty.” (He wasn’t a naughty kid, btw - he just avoided her.) GT immediately burst into tears and said “Why do I have to be her favourite? I hate her!!!”
I then told DH that from then on, all correspondence with his mother would be with his supervision (and she would be called on her toxicity). At Christmas, he asked what I had sent her. Received a blank stare. “The same thing she sent me.” He was furious because I hadn’t gone out and bought the cow a present and posted it on his behalf. She then told him that she had sent me money in a card with some earrings. Ummmm…. Nope. Why would she start that year?

DH continues to buy into her bullshit that she has reached out (I have never received a call from her, or a text, or a letter.)
My BIL is going to set him straight.