Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 16 17

Original poster

To be upset at secondhand gifts?

418 replies

GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:03

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....?

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used)

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all

OP posts:

Bogeyes · 10/03/2022 05:15

Put them all in a bag. When you visit ask her if she wants any before you drop them off at the charity shop. I've had a life time of piss takers. I won't put up with them any more.

MintJulia · 10/03/2022 05:16

She's your MIL, not your family. You didn't choose each other. You don't like each other. Just write her off as nasty and mean spirited, which she is, and stop taking any notice.

Once you've tagged her in your head as irrelevant, she loses any ability to hurt you.
Don't even open things from her, just bin them and move on.

JellybeansJelly · 10/03/2022 05:25

@MintJulia

She's your MIL, not your family. You didn't choose each other. You don't like each other. Just write her off as nasty and mean spirited, which she is, and stop taking any notice.

Once you've tagged her in your head as irrelevant, she loses any ability to hurt you.
Don't even open things from her, just bin them and move on.

This. You obviously don’t like each other, so it’s not surprising she gets you crap gifts.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/03/2022 05:28

@1forAll74

I think that you should be grateful for anything. mentioning torn packaging and what you consider the price of things, is not nice at all, and to mention what you have spent on her at times, is quite irrelevant.

I'm not sure she should be grateful for torn, zero effort gifts.

I don't think it's the fact that it's second hand, just broken and not well chosen.

It has the feel of a that will do gift...

GrandPrismatic · 10/03/2022 05:36

Call her out on every second hand item you received…oh this looks worn…do you have a receipt and I’ll exchange it? Ohh look the seal is broken, that’s a shame I don’t fancy using that Etc etc

Better yet, tell her no need to buy you gifts going forward and if she insists, say…oh don’t worry about me, I’d rather you spent the money on DD so she gets a nice gift.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/03/2022 05:37

I think it's a shitty thing to do to you every time.
A one-off, maybe, if it's something she thought you would really like - but otherwise, no.

I agree with backing off from doing anything for her from now on - let your DH do it all.

JackieWeaver101 · 10/03/2022 05:46

Tell your MIL that there is no need to give you presents in the future. Don't buy any presents for your MIL and just leave your DH to sort everything.

Tell your family not to buy for your DH.

MissDynamite23 · 10/03/2022 05:56

I love my MIL but she’s awful at present buying. So we’ve said presents for children only and then we buy her something from the children. Takes away all the hassle and disappointment!

As an adult, personally I’d rather not receive many presents at all. I like to choose things for myself as and when I want them and not get a load of stuff I don’t want. At Christmas we now only buy small gifts for our parents, not adult friends or family.

Nopeihavenoidea · 10/03/2022 05:57

We have a „gift cupboard“ - put all the things she gifts you I there.

Tell DH he is responsible for all of his families presents but is welcome to use the gift cupboard…

Note - it’s not a full cupboard just has gifts the kids can use to give to friends mainly

LightSpeeds · 10/03/2022 06:03

She doesn't like or value you and that's what her 'gifts' are telling you. Really, she'd probably rather not give you anything but that would be socially unacceptable and might cause some trouble with her son.

Dealing with your feelings is one issue. What does your husband think (and why is he letting her treat you so shabbily)?

Then you need to decide what you want to do about gifts back to her. It's a very awkward thing. Most of us are programmed to 'do our best' when it comes to gifting... It might take a lot to indulge in Revenge Gifting! (But you could have some fun doing it!)

JennyForeigner · 10/03/2022 06:08

We like sustainable gifts - my dad asked for a secondhand solar panel for his allotment for Christmas.

Sustainable doesn't mean horrible tat. Mind you, my own MIL had a bit of a habit like this. I ask her really consistently for a decent bottle of wine for Christmas over about five years and as my DH 'might' have a glass (no chance) it works for all of us.

Ikeptgoing · 10/03/2022 06:09

Chloemol
Leave all present buying for your in laws to your husband, including Mother’s Day

Tell the in laws not to buy you birthday or Christmas presents moving forwards, and tell your parents and family not to buy for your dh

I agree with this as a plan going forward

I would probably go further right now on those presents . I'd get out the second hand perfume/ text her and ask for receipt as it is used / open and needs to go back to shop. Or insist that DH does as I would be outraged on behalf of MIL "who must have spent money on it but look see where it was opened and used DH, that's terrible and unhygienic for the shop to sell used products ".. I'd make a fuss in innocence to DH so MIL would have to admit she didn't have receipt and it would dawn on DH.

I would think about asking for receipt for any clothes or items that you know are regifted as 'don't fit' / 'damaged' / 'not the right size' which obviously MIL won't have receipts for and DH may start to worry about how she is getting conned/ no receipts.

Or you could wrap up handbag ( since DH never notices) and regift back to her on her birthday ( Or Mother's Day) as her only present from DH and you.

I'm in two minds whether you should let DH sort MILs gifts out going forward as if he does remember you risk him dropping a lot of money on her when she buys only him nice things and spends almost zero on you.

As I'd be tempted to play her at her own game- deliberately go into charity shops to buy her same she does me, or buy cheap tatt online in future and play her at her own game pretending it's a lot of money, so that you control how much money gets spent on her.

See if you can get her presents for under a tenner but looks like £80. SHEIN is good for cheap tatt- necklaces that are £1, £4 handbags, £6-8 nylon style tops that look like you've spent £50 but don't feel like it - it takes about 2- 4 weeks to arrive after you've ordered so get in there early. You can purchase 100 gift bags (organza type) On Amazon then individually put those cheap earrings/ necklace into it- and MIL will never know it cost you £1 for it and 20p for the gift bag rather than an "artisan" stall at school fayre etc.

If you make savings as above on your usual MIL budget/ money is no issue, I would seriously think about matching same value of whatever my family buy for DH for his gift- to send myself an "Living with shitty InLaw Tax" gift to myself so that I don't resent what he gets from his nice InLaws and I stop feeling like I lose out.

Lilac57 · 10/03/2022 06:16

I'd absolutely be stopping all gift buying for your OH's family, it's his responsibility, not yours, let him buy them their gifts. I have always done this with my DH, he buys for his family, I buy for mine. And my DH is most definitely NOT a good gift buyer, he regularly forgets to buy his family gifts, or they get their gifts 6 months late, if at all. But I don't get involved, not even a reminder, because I'm his wife, not his PA. What I'm saying is, just disengage from the whole process, make sure your family get gifts and that's it, even if your DH doesn't step up.

Arabellla · 10/03/2022 06:17

I don't know why it's always me who misses out when I make the most effort with people, DH just sits back and relaxes doesn't have to lift a finger with gifts, especially with his family.

Your DH sounds like a dick to be honest.

He’s happy to watch you make all the effort buying gifts for his family and is also happy to watch you get shitty, used gifts from his family.

It’s not that he doesn’t notice, OP, it’s that he doesn’t care how you feel and is prioritising his own and his family’s feelings over yours.

Honestly, stop doing any present or card ‘wife work’ for his family.

And tell your mum that they don’t need to be so generous to him because he’s fine with you getting shit presents from his own family.

WTF475878237NC · 10/03/2022 06:23

Honestly, stop doing any present or card ‘wife work’ for his family.

And tell your mum that they don’t need to be so generous to him because he’s fine with you getting shit presents from his own family.

^ great advice. He doesn't care about you much does he!

CowsAreNotGreen · 10/03/2022 06:25

@SkyeT

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?

I would agree with this but this sounds like it's only OP and her DH who get this, the others get fancy new stuff. And giving used handcream is well off.

Frollop · 10/03/2022 06:25

I would give all the re gifted things in good condition to charity and Chuck used cream etc.

Don't buy her anything as people have said.

Some people are just spiteful sadly.

Discodancinggiraffe · 10/03/2022 06:35

Noone is obliged to give you anything for you birthday. That being said if they are going to give you a gift it should have some thought behind it. My mil and I sometimes regift presents or give each other second hand gifts. She will search the charity shops for books for me and fill a large gift bag. Rather than just give me one new book. Sometimes my gifts are old items that belonged to her mother. For christmas I was given an art deco purse that had been her mums. I love it. Opened hand cream and perfume would just be handed to me during a visit. If I liked them I would keep them if not it would be passed on to someone else.

Your mil puts no thought into her gifts. She is cheap and disrespectful. i could probably grit my teeth if it was just me she treated like that but when she treats her grandchildren so differently I would be making that clear it was not on. I would not bother with her in the future.

Shoxfordian · 10/03/2022 06:37

Stop buying his families presents for him
He needs to decide which side he’s on here tbh

Flatandhappy · 10/03/2022 06:40

Let your DH take charge of buying gifts for her and have zero expectations. If she gives you crap just bin it. My (well off) MIL has form for this too, I gave up caring years ago which was pretty mentally liberating BUT when she arrived with a pile of dirty clothes from a charity shop’s rejects for newborn DD I refused to take them and told her she could either put them in my bin or take them home to hers.

Jvg33 · 10/03/2022 06:50

I would call her out on it. Every time.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 10/03/2022 06:51

you are being mercenary
why should you care how much she spends
it is a gift

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 10/03/2022 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WutheringHeights66 · 10/03/2022 06:54

My MIL buys shit gifts too, I stopped caring years ago and she gets back shit gifts with no thought.

My DH agrees and goes along with it, as he, one of his brothers and SIL gets shit gifts too.

Youngest golden bollocks the other DB gets money, lots of money or whatever he asks for. His wife gets shit gifts too.

Weird woman, it’s a family joke (that excludes golden bollocks).

Aprilx · 10/03/2022 06:55

I honestly couldn’t care less what the in-laws buy me, which is usually nothing, but occasionally they do. I think it is up to DH what he / we get them, I wouldn’t make him send them something rubbish because of my childish tit for tat.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 16 17