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Original poster

Sister Guilt and inheritance

399 replies

LadyJanestar · 09/03/2022 11:01

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

OP posts:
Christmas21 · 09/03/2022 11:12

Its a tough one. The will were obviously drawn up with your Grans and Dads wishes.

I'm assuming neither you or your sister knew what the contents of the wills were prior to your Dad and Gran dying?

What is your relationship with your sister like? Does she have contact with her biological fathers family?
Is she bad with money?

NameGoesHere · 09/03/2022 11:13

Did you grow up with this half sister?

peboh · 09/03/2022 11:15

I'd really struggle with this. It's not her fault she's a half sibling. I'd personally give her something.

Obira · 09/03/2022 11:17

The money was left to you and you need to prioritise your own marriage and future. Giving away hundreds of thousands of pounds is madness.

PennyFleck · 09/03/2022 11:19

I understand. What would she do if it were the other way round?
Why wouldn't your husband let you give some away? You would have been thrilled with 100k too.

ElIie · 09/03/2022 11:21

Did your mother pass away first and then your father cut your sister out of the will?

I find it hard to imagine a situation where a mother wouldn’t have wanted her child to get a fair share.

SleeplessInEngland · 09/03/2022 11:21

Discuss it with your husband. He may be more amenable to giving her a bigger share than you think.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 09/03/2022 11:22

So she wasn't your Dad's biological child? He brought her up but the house went entirely to you. Did she ever live there and for how long? Wondering how it's ended up that her expectations are so different to the reality.

You've said that it would be a real blow to your marriage Tm give her anything. I can see it would be if you gave her half the house, for example, but 'anything'? Surely if your husband is a good guy he'd accept you giving her some money as a compromise? Presumably you could do that and still clear the mortgage?

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 09/03/2022 11:24

I think you're conflating issues which have no bearing on one another - especially your sister's choices of boyfriend/ partner have (unless there's something you're not saying) nothing to do with whether she has any moral or legal rights to an inheritance from your joint mother or your father or your grandmother (is your grandmother biologically her grandmother or your dad's mother?)

Obviously she has inherited something from her biological mother and doesn't have any legal rights to an inheritance from a grandparent or step parent if you're in the UK.

For me the only real question is how close you are to your sister - if you're incredibly close and want to be fair because the money would be life changing for her you should talk to your husband and come to a joint decision.

In the end I wouldn't personally jepordise my marriage to give a sibling money but that would very much depend on the sibling relationship and how much the money would help the sibling and whether they're generally bad with money.

Her relationship history is irrelevant unless she's got form for giving boyfriends large sums of money or supporting freeloaders to the tune of thousands....

Mummysgirl12 · 09/03/2022 11:26

I wouldn't give her a penny and I'd respect the wishes of the dead.

The only thing is if she's particularly struggling, even £10k could help her and not dent you. I would be surprised if your DH was upset with a low amount. But i completely get why your DH would be upset. It's both of your money through marriage and you need to agree together.

If it was the other way around, would she give you some?

Viviennemary · 09/03/2022 11:28

I think thst maybe you should give her something from your inheritance. But on the other hand it was left to you. I think £50K would be about fair under those circumstances. It would help her and still leave you with a good sum. I don't think you should give her half.

whumpthereitis · 09/03/2022 11:29

It sounds like your husband has, without complaint, shouldered the entire financial burden of a bigger house and supporting you when you (unilaterally) decided to be stay at home mother with three children. I can absolutely see why that now, when you have money that would ease the load significantly, he would not want you to give it away. I don’t think that makes him selfish.

I can also see why you feel terrible about it. It’s a difficult one but I do think that you should, on balance, prioritize your immediate family of husband and children.

Dillydollydingdong · 09/03/2022 11:32

Whatever you do, it won't be right. If you give her a large sum of money (say £50k she won't be grateful because she will think she should get half). And your dh won't be pleased, after all his hard work and dedication. If you don't give her anything, she'll be resentful forevermore. I think if your dad had wanted to leave her some money, he would have done so.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 09/03/2022 11:33

You could take the view that your Father's money was his to distribute as he saw fit, so his half of your parent's estate you keep. Your mother's part of the estate though she would have split between you so you get half and sister gets half. So say it was £400 in total you get the 200 from your father and then 100 from your mother and your sister gets the other 100.

This might be the worst of both worlds in that neither your sister or husband are happy, but it seems fair in your mind and it is your money. Going to court will just make the lawyers rich. Legally she is unlikely to have a claim but if you otherwise get on well I would try to make an approach. You are still much better off than you were before. With your husband couch it in terms of if it were your three children and he had remarried and had more children, he would still want some of his share to go to his three children with you. In the same way your mother's part in the value of the estate was more than 34000.

lunkitsmum · 09/03/2022 11:35

If I read this correctly, was your gran your Dads mother? I think if your gran didn't want your sister to have the money then it was her choice. However I think i'd feel obliged to share your inheritance from Dad with your sister. After all he choses to be her father and its beyond cruel for him to exclude her in my option. Your sister must feel very alone and hurt.

Thewindwhispers · 09/03/2022 11:35

“Respect the wishes of the dead” is such nonsense - they gave you the money to do as you like with, if you choose to give some away, that is up to you.

If it was me I would definitely give the half-sister something - probably £50k although chrck out how to do that while avoiding gift tax.

Your husband sounds great, so surely he will understand? You need to talk to him. Don’t say “I’ve inherited loads and wanna spend it” say “My dad and gran have been cruel and unfair and possibly a bit racist in their wills and I wanna do something to correct that as they’re using me to punish my sister and it feels horrible.”

Good luck!

Googlecanthelpme · 09/03/2022 11:35

So your (half) sister has inherited nothing because your mum died, which automatically put everything into your dads name.
Then he died and left everything to you minus the 17k.

That to me is wrong. I would LIVID if my husband did that to my 2 children after my death. I see that as a total betrayal. Had your dad died first then your mums estate would have been split 50/50 to her 2 daughters surely?

Assuming no massive back story where your mum and sister didn’t talk and mum had clearly disinherited her etc…

Also which gran is this? If mums mum, again I see this as questionable. If dads mum then i wound understand as they do not see your sister as their grandchild clearly.

So in your shoes I would absolutely split the estate from my dad - because your mum contributed to that estate throughout her life and it should go between you and your sister. The gran, that’s maybe different.

Oh by the way, if your husband would leave you for doing the morally right thing and splitting your MUM AND DADS estate with your SISTER then he’s not “perfect and wonderful and amazing” and all these other things you’ve said.
If he doesn’t realise that you inherited hundreds of thousands and your sister getting less than 20 grand isn’t unfair - well he’s a horrible greedy arse to be honest.

The only reason you’re in this position is bc your mum went first - that’s the crux as far as I see it

Gilly12345 · 09/03/2022 11:39

The money was left to you so I think you should keep the money for yourself and your family.

That is why people make a will.

You say how wonderful your Husband is so this is the way for you all as a family to have a comfortable and secure life and take the pressure off him.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 09/03/2022 11:40

I'd split it because I can't bear this divisiveness from beyond the grave. And I don't even like my sister! But then I wouldn't be doing it for her, I'd be doing it for me, so I could sleep at night knowing I'd done what I believed to be the right thing.

Randomness12 · 09/03/2022 11:42

I would raise it with my DH along the lines of “look I’m feeling guilty about this because of xyz I’d like us to come up with an arrangement which suits us all” and go from here. I’d be unable to live with the difference and I’d have to at least make a gesture which helps her, reduces the difference but also is comfortable for your DH. However, I absolutely would not jeopardise my marriage over it… you need to talk to him.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 09/03/2022 11:46

You say that it was expected that your DM would outlive your DF. When your DM died did your DF change his will or did it predate your DM's death? If it did then I would work out how the inheritance would have been split had they died in a different order, as that would be what they were expecting to happen. If this means your sister would have received more then I think it would be morally right to give her the amount she would have inherited.

FuckThatBullshit · 09/03/2022 11:47

This is very tough but entirely down to what your relationship with your sister is like

Whatterywhat · 09/03/2022 11:47

I echo what @Gilly12345 has said

Zilla1 · 09/03/2022 11:48

As some PPs have said:

  1. Your DP is not wonderful if he would leave you because you 'only inherited c£150k instead of £c265k.
  2. How would you feel if you had inherited the £17k and your DSis c15x more?
  3. How would you feel if your DP did this to your DC?
  4. What did your DM's will say?
  5. Your or your DP's comments about your DSis' relationships sound like excuses for something you feel is wrong.

Good luck.

jeaux90 · 09/03/2022 11:49

You mentioned she is a single parent. Is she struggling? Are her children adversely impacted by her circumstances?

I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give her something.

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