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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister Guilt and inheritance

399 replies

LadyJanestar · 09/03/2022 11:01

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

OP posts:

Cindie943811A · 09/03/2022 12:58

The normal process if for husband and wife to make matching wills ie to leave everything except maybe small personal possessions to the surviving spouse and on the death of the survivor for remainder of the estate to go to named beneficiaries.
Thus, unless OP’s father made a new will, then her mother will have been in agreement with the OP being made the principal beneficiary.
OP’s DF brought her half sister up but apparently didn’t adopt her so she has no rights and perhaps they both felt they had done their dash assisting her out of situations caused by her poor choices? It has always been common for a child who has previously received financial assistance to receive less under a will

brainhurts · 09/03/2022 12:58

I would respect the wishes of the person who wrote the will , that what a will is for so you can go to your grave knowing your belongings/ money go to those you chosen

lborgia · 09/03/2022 12:58

Surely she’s only mentioning the unwise choices to show why the dad and gran treated her differently. Because they had a problem with it, not because OP does?!

thegcatsmother · 09/03/2022 12:59

You can vary a will to change what is left to whom, rather than gifting it.

WhatisanODP · 09/03/2022 12:59

I do feel really sorry for your sister. What’s your husband said about it?

GlitteryGreen · 09/03/2022 12:59

@LadyJanestar Are you sure there isn't a reason why your dad chose not to leave anything (major) to your sister?

It sounds like he always raised her as his own so I'd be very surprised if the reason for her not inheriting was that he'd decided to only honour biological in his final wishes?

BobbinHood · 09/03/2022 13:01

You could give her some of the inheritance, but also go back to work to take some of the pressure off your DH that way. Doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

BuffyFanForever · 09/03/2022 13:03

Your relatives were clear on their wishes. If ever a blood relative of your half sisters’ dies she could be found and given an inheritance. That’s just how it works. Take the inheritance which you family worked hard to give you and wanted you to have.

littlespeckledfrog · 09/03/2022 13:04

As other posters have mentioned, we are missing some context and dates, which are relevant to the inheritance aspect.

You may wish to look up the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975 under which people treated as children of the family can claim for reasonable provision from estates. Adult children (or those treated as children of the family) can claim, and your sister's circumstances would be relevant. From what you have said, your sister might well have a valid claim (if she chooses to take advice and go down that route, and assuming she is within the time limits).

If you decide to give her something and it is within 2 years of your father's death, you should seek legal advice about deeds of variation.

Movinghouseatlast · 09/03/2022 13:04

It really does depend whether he changed the will after your mum died. Also,did she leave a will or did it automatically pass to him?

Legally there would be nothing she could do. So you would have to give it to her voluntarily. I would say half of half what you got from your dad, so 25%. Nothing from what you got from your grandmother.

As a half sister myself I know I won't get anything and my half brother and sisters will probably get about £200k each. My mum is dead and it wouldn't enter my step fathers head to give me anything.

Larach · 09/03/2022 13:04

My sister inherited a very substantial sum while I received a token amount (she's older, full sister).

I've always been sad that she thought that was ok and it has made me see my relationship with her differently.

I've no idea what I would have said if she'd offered to share (maybe I'd have said no thanks, maybe not), but I know I would have felt that she cared about me and believed in equity in how we were treated, whereas she actually just took the money as her right.

CellophaneFlower · 09/03/2022 13:04

If the fact your dad wasn't your sister's biological father, wasn't relevant in life (If indeed this is the case) neither should it be in death.

Bitconfusedhmm · 09/03/2022 13:06

I would absolutely have to share with her. What disgraceful (racist) behavior from your dad and gran. Your poor sister.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/03/2022 13:07

@BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine

fruitbrewhaha actually I thought it had been written by the sainted husband!

Could be, yes. He does sound amazing. I was sensing a rather disgruntled tone, and I wonder if there is a lot more to it than the sister making bad choices. That the sister is actually not a very nice person (hence the way it's been written about the inheritor) and that there were some good reasons for her being cut off that weren't anything to do with have a black child etc.

Dunno, certainly an awful dilemma.

Gonnagetgoing · 09/03/2022 13:10

@bluedodecagon

Mumsnet loves telling people to leave their husbands. They also love telling people about how terrible dating is and about how awful it is being a stepmother and about how awful blended families are. And about how difficult it is to live on a single parent income.

Don’t jeopardise your marriage. If you need permission then here it is. Your relationship with your sister is dead anyway. Even if you gave a half she’d still be resentful. Any less than half and she’s going to hate you. That relationship is over. The relationship you have to prioritise is the one with your husband.

Don’t listen to mumsnet. Go and read the relationships board. If you have been a SAHM for a long time, you probably won’t be able to make a high salary if you went back into the workplace. You would be entitled to much less money from your husband than you think. Don’t throw away your marriage. You would deeply regret it.

@bluedodecagon - actually - the half sister might've been treated badly for years (racism etc?) by the family e.g. DF and gran. We don't know but can hazard a guess. That might also be the reason why the half sister went off the rails and made bad choices in life.

OP should sit down and have a conversation with her husband and say that if she doesn't give something to her sister then it's possible there will be resentment and no relationship between them. Say if OP divorces her DH in future she'll have no husband but still a sister and nieces/nephews.

I've got a friend whose DF wasn't in her life after her DM got pregnant. Her DM went on to marry her 'father' and he adopted her at age 12 and the DM had another child when friend was about 4/5. The DF has since divorced the DM and remarried and had 2 children but as far as I know he treats all children the same and would do in the case of wills.

My friend, all she's ever been told is that her DF might be Portugese or Greek but it was a summer fling and she has little or no way of finding out about him.

Friend was treated badly by her father (mutual friends told me this) when she was growing up but he's apologised for this since.

OP can chose to go back to work though if it helps her financial situation.

If it were me and I didn't give a nice cash gift or open trusts for sister's DC then I'd feel guilty if then the sister would resent me and I'd understand why she would too.

OP's DH should be understanding here.

BikiniB0tt0m · 09/03/2022 13:11

I agree with @zilla1 they are good questions to ask yourself before deciding

CharlotteRose90 · 09/03/2022 13:18

I’m not surprised your dh doesn’t want you splitting it. To him it’s the jackpot. He’s supported you and paid for everything when you refused to go back to work so now the moneys coming in he thinks his part is over. I guarantee he’ll be spending what he wants on himself once the mortgage is paid off. You can’t win either way. Morally your sister is entitled to half her mums estate but she legally she isn’t thanks to what your dad and gran did. It’s frankly disgusting.

AlternativePerspective · 09/03/2022 13:18

This post screams to me that it was written by the DH.

He clearly thinks he’s wonderful, not like all those other men, has facilitated his wife staying at home with the kids (what a hero he is,). When they married he found out that his wife’s sister is actually only a half sister, and now that his wife’s father has died and the sister has only inherited £17k he is wasting no time in telling the OP that it’s either give money to her sister or he’ll leave.

Except his wife wants to give money to her sister, because she’s her sister, not her (half) sister in her eyes.

Given the wife said he wasn’t told until they got married it’s very clear that she sees her sister as her sister with no half thrown in there, and as such she wouldn’t have mentioned that she had a half sister.

He resents his wife because she stayed home with his children, he feels she refused to go back to work but as he does his bit by bringing in the income he is clearly a wonderful generous man.

To the wife I would say, give your sister what you feel you want to, given you see her as your full sister and not half (biology isn’t everything) and get shot of the dh.

DoraDont · 09/03/2022 13:18

Your sister may well have a claim under the Inheritance (Provision for Families & Dependents) Act 1975.

CharlotteRose90 · 09/03/2022 13:21

@DoraDont

Your sister may well have a claim under the Inheritance (Provision for Families & Dependents) Act 1975.

I hope she does if it’s true. It’s frankly disgusting how she’s been treated by the so called dad that brought her up. And to have encountered racism because of who she had kids with. She needs to block every single one of that toxic family

nitsandwormsdodger · 09/03/2022 13:21

You are not clear about your relationship with this sister
You have not been clear about family relationships - need diagram !
What does your sister know and think about it all ?
Would she know how much you inherited? The property could have been remortgaged ?

Lovelteers · 09/03/2022 13:23

She’s your sister, and I think your dad and gran have dealt her a shitty hand. I would spilt the money in a heartbeat. And I know my sister would do the same if our parents pulled this crap on us.
It would set you up for life? Think of the difference splitting the money would make to her life.
The ‘half’ bit is neither here nor there although your dad has obvs not considered her his ‘real’ daughter all this time.
I would explain to your husband that you have been given your sisters share and that it’s not on.

Rubyupbeat · 09/03/2022 13:23

Did your dad re write the will after your mum died, leaving you the majority? If so that is really unfair.

strawberry2017 · 09/03/2022 13:26

Regardless of whether we think the will is unfair or not it was the wishes of the father where his money went.
Why bother with wills if we are going to go against them.
Yes it's shit for your half sister but for some reason he made his choices the way he did and really you should respect them.

nitsandwormsdodger · 09/03/2022 13:27

Inheritance should not bewitheld because you dated crap men
But did she borrow money ? Maybe that is why and she doesn’t want to mention it ?

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