Sister Guilt and inheritance

[LadyJanestar]

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

Your sister may well have a claim under the Inheritance (Provision for Families & Dependents) Act 1975.

I think this is unlikely. My Dad died and left everything to my disabled half sister who was still living at home. She then died without a will so my half brother (her full brother) got everything. I had no claim. I was advised that half siblings aren’t entitled to anything.

It sounds like the sister's father is not in the picture, but will she inherit from him, and from her paternal grandparents?

Your home and your family have to be the top priority. You can’t possibly give her half. That’s out.

But why not, if it's morally half hers? How is it fair to exploit the fact that it's technically fallen into her lap first? A quarter of a million would be very helpful, but if half of it was never morally hers, that point is moot. An eighth of a million is still extremely helpful - and unequivocally rightfully hers.

Ok, tough situation, all I can say is this would be my thought process.

1. Gran’s money, if she was your Dads Mum, then 100% comes to you. Your DS has her fathers family to inherit from. If it was your DMs Mum then split 50:50.

1. Mum’s money, work out how much her estate was and split 50:50 or as per her will if it states what is to happen if your DF pre deceased her. The £17k sounds like this was 50% of your Mums estate.

1. Dad’s money, 100% to you. As previously stated DS has her fathers family to inherit from.

You should keep more of the inheritance, the crucial bit is whether your Gran was your Mum or Dads parent and how much her estate was.

Your DH, sit down and explain to him that you feel guilty and this is what you are proposing and why. Show that you will still be able to pay a chunk off the mortgage. Acknowledge all he has done (buying the more expensive house, three children you being a SAHM) and then, this is the tough bit, tell him that you will be getting a job to share the financial burden. The reality is you are legally entitled to the inheritance and giving a proportion away impacts on him, you are a partnership and you need to acknowledge the impact your decision has on him.

Practically as a pp said make sure your DS is not going to contest the wills. Decide on the amount you want your DS to have. You can use what I have suggested or as a pp said £50k would be a reasonable figure on top of the £17 k.

Then do it formally I.e. Deed of Variation (see a solicitor).

Regardless of whether we think the will is unfair or not it was the wishes of the father where his money went.
Why bother with wills if we are going to go against them.

Unless a covenant or trust is set up, that's all it is: wishes where the money initially goes. After that, it's up to the inheritor what they choose to do with it - keep the lot, pay off your mortgage, buy thousands of scratch cards, spend it on extravagant fripperies, invest it in shares, give it to the cats' home, give half of it to your sister....

OP I’ve sent you a PM.

@neverbeenskiing

People are assuming that if OP's DF had been the first to go, her DM would have ensured OP and her half-sister inherited equally, but we don't know this. Sadly, I have known families where a parent has massively favoured one of their biological children over another in their will.

OP, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you try to bung your Dsis 10k to relieve your guilt then she's likely to see this as an insult. I suspect that the only thing that would make it fair, from her perspective, is if you gave her half. But that is a lot of money and I can see why your DH would feel hurt and angry about you putting your Dsis first.

Those saying "if your DH doesn't agree he's a terrible person" aren't thinking about the pressure he has been under being the sole provider for 5 people, because his wife decided she doesn't want to work but still wanted a bigger house and a bigger family, especially with all the economic uncertainty caused by Covid. The responsibility is huge, and I imagine the relief he felt on finding out that this inheritance would make them financially secure was huge too. If I had the rug pulled from under me in those circumstances I can't honestly say I'm 100% sure I'd manage to be gracious about it!

OP if I was in your position and decided to give half my inheritance to my Dsis I think I would go back to work, at least part time, to show my DH that I don't take him for granted and that I recognised the strain he'd been under.

You are forgetting that the OP still contributed to the household by saving money on childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. I’m also sure she didn’t force her DH to have more children and he agreed willingly, knowing OP’s wishes.

I think we need more info. I am confused as to who this money has come from? Is the money from your Grandma? Was it your Mums and then it got transferred to your Dad and then he left it all to you?

Are you close to this sister? What do you mean by she made bad decisions? Will she piss the money up the wall?

@GinPalace2

Ok, tough situation, all I can say is this would be my thought process.

1. Gran’s money, if she was your Dads Mum, then 100% comes to you. Your DS has her fathers family to inherit from. If it was your DMs Mum then split 50:50.

1. Mum’s money, work out how much her estate was and split 50:50 or as per her will if it states what is to happen if your DF pre deceased her. The £17k sounds like this was 50% of your Mums estate.

1. Dad’s money, 100% to you. As previously stated DS has her fathers family to inherit from.

You should keep more of the inheritance, the crucial bit is whether your Gran was your Mum or Dads parent and how much her estate was.

Your DH, sit down and explain to him that you feel guilty and this is what you are proposing and why. Show that you will still be able to pay a chunk off the mortgage. Acknowledge all he has done (buying the more expensive house, three children you being a SAHM) and then, this is the tough bit, tell him that you will be getting a job to share the financial burden. The reality is you are legally entitled to the inheritance and giving a proportion away impacts on him, you are a partnership and you need to acknowledge the impact your decision has on him.

Practically as a pp said make sure your DS is not going to contest the wills. Decide on the amount you want your DS to have. You can use what I have suggested or as a pp said £50k would be a reasonable figure on top of the £17 k.

Then do it formally I.e. Deed of Variation (see a solicitor).

I agree with this. And it's interesting, because on threads I've seen where someone is asking how they should split the estate in a blended family, this is what is usually recommended. I don't know why it wouldn't be the same here.

I think without knowing more it’s difficult to say if it was the right decision on their part. For example my parents have left my brother out of their will and everything goes to me, while I feel
Uneasy about it I know it is because in his case having a large amount of money given to him would probably kill him and quite frankly my parents don’t want their hard earned money to go to some drug dealer. My plan is to take half and put it in an account for him if he turns his life around. Not sure if this situation is similar of course.

My friend said my sister made bad choices

She didn't choose her parents, or to only be your half-sister.

And if your husband is so brilliant in every way, I really don't understand why you say your marriage would never recover if you gave your sister a share of the money.

I would allow the dust to settle before you make any decision.
If you do decide to give your sister a share it should be based on after putting your own needs first.

OP, do you know if your mum had a will? Have you ever seen it?

If so, how did your mum intend for her money to be shared between you and your sister if your dad predeceased her?

If what has happened reflects the intentions of both your parents, then that is that.

If your mum wanted you and your sister to inherit equally but you didn't because your dad inherited first and then left the lion's share to you, then I do think that is more problematic.

And if your husband is so brilliant in every way, I really don't understand why you say your marriage would never recover if you gave your sister a share of the money.

Everyone has their limits, even really good people. Taking the OP's post at face value, he has been more than fair, doing his share while also being the sole breadwinner (which isn't easy). They've struggled financially because OP's refused to work. He might see this as a betrayal; the OP has the opportunity to make their lives much easier and take some of the financial burden off him, and she chooses to help her sister instead.

@Laburnam

I would allow the dust to settle before you make any decision. If you do decide to give your sister a share it should be based on after putting your own needs first.

Why?

I'm genuinely curious as to why one sister's needs are a priority over the other's.
I can see justification for different pots of money the mum's and dad's being allocated/shared differently, but not for OP's needs first. If anything it seems as though the sister, as a single parent, might be in more need than OP.

I disagree with those saying give her money. Morally I think you should always follow the will of the person who died. So do what the will stated.

People are being critical of your husband but we don't even know if you've discussed this with him at all. For all we know he may be in complete ignorance.
I would abide by the wills. If that means that you can massively reduce the pressure on the man you love, who as you say has given you everything you've asked for, then that's brilliant.

There is no such thing as gift tax in the UK. If the OP decides to give her sister some of her inheritance, she can do so with a Deed of Variation, or just transfer the money to her. There will be no tax to pay.

I would split the proceeds of the sale of the family home 50/50 with my sister in this situation. Inheritances should be regarded as a bonus, and are definitely not worth losing additional family members over.

I kind of feel like your husband has written this

But anyway, it sounds as though you and your sister were raised as full sisters so the 'half' is a mere technicality which, unfortunately for her, does affect things legally if she tried to take action through the courts.

Your sister has been totally done over here. The inheritance from your Dad should have been split as he raised her as his daughter. Regardless of her life decisions, have you really led such a blameless existence? Have any of us? And why are your family so judgemental of her? Has she been involved in substance abuse or does she have addictive behaviours that would put her at further risk if she was to inherit a good sum? Based on what you've said, it sounds like there may be some unconscious bias against your sister at play here as she has a different (absent?) biological father. This is likely to be why your Gran was against her too as grandparents find it harder to accept grandchildren that aren't related to them by blood and treat them equally. Does your sister have any connections to her biological father's side of the family? Is she likely to inherit on that side at all?

Your husband's opinion shouldn't come into this. Fairness should and if you car about your sister then just think about how this could be affecting her mentally. It's very unfair and you can really make a difference to her and her life.

If you want to even up things with your husband then it sounds like you need to go out to work. This inheritance isn't to even the score and I, personally, wouldn't be able to live with myself if I was so ungenerous to a sibling I had been raised with.

@LadyJanestar

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

It's your money, you can do what you like with it &, in my opinion, it is the right think to do for your sister & her children. Also, you speak about your husband as if he's been giving you free money. He hasn't, you've been caring for his three children & I expect keeping the home going & all that entails.

I'm sorry for your losses. It sounds like you have lost your mum, dad and gran in quick succession. Are you willing to lose a sister in order to keep this money. The answer might reasonable be "yes - I am willing for my sister to cut me off in order to be mortgage free" but I do think it is likely that this is the choice you are making.

I agree with other posters that the relationships are important and I'm not sure if we understand them. Morally I think your sister should get half of your mums estate (assuming your mum was the biological parent and that your sister only missed out on this because your mum died and your dad inherited your mums estate and cut your sister out).

If gran was not your sisters actual gran then I think it is reasonable if she chooses not to leave to your sister in her will but if she was her actual gran it's pretty cruel but not unheard of.

I appreciate everything you say about your husbands hard work and keeping the family well provided for but if it was my inheritance I think it would be my decision alone to do what I thought was right and reasonable. I wouldn't ask his permission but I guess I'm pretty feisty in that way! The same would apply if your husband inherited and felt he wanted to do anything similar. If you feel guilty about him providing for you all perhaps you could go back to work? Maybe work evenings and weekends if that works around your partners work so he can provide childcare.

Ordinarily I'd say its your inheritance and you have a right to make this decision. Bit I understand why he'd be aggrieved at losing the financial security it offers when you pushed for a bigger house, then decoded to quit work and have more kids putting the entire financial burden in his shoulders.

OP, how much did you get from your dad and how much did you get from your gran?

@strawberry2017

Regardless of whether we think the will is unfair or not it was the wishes of the father where his money went. Why bother with wills if we are going to go against them. Yes it's shit for your half sister but for some reason he made his choices the way he did and really you should respect them.

But we don't know if there was a will? If dad died intestate then his non bio daughter would get nothing. Perhaps he didn't realise this/was like my dad and didn't want to think about wills as didn't want to admit he was going to die. Now that WOULD be unfair.

I would try and negotiate with DH - I’d be willing to go back to work to be able to give her something. It also depends if she is dependable with money - if she isn’t, then whatever u give now may be blown. In such cases, perhaps a regular monthly/yearly payment may be good?

Op - if this isn't a reverse written by the sister or the husband - then i agree, you don't seem to like yourself much. Your dh must have been happy to have you at home raising the dcs. Dont presume he doesn't value that contribution to the family life he wants to have.

I would keep the money and pay off the mortgage, or as you are a SAHM, and I presume have no pension, look at ways to invest it if dh can comfortably manage the mortgage alone (eg a rental flat to give a 2nd income stream to the family now and continue to give you an income in retirement).

Is your sister reliant on benefits now ? If so, be aware if you give her a lump sum that's not enough to buy a house outright, it will just mean she has to spend it on living costs until her savings are at a level she can claim again. This might not help her in the long run.

If it was me, I'd buy a flat to rent out. Divide the income from that in 3, 1 third for additional family income now, 1 third saved towards any renovation of the flat between tenants /repair bills and 1 third saved in an account you dont touch but split between your DNs when they are adults to help them set up adult life.