Sister Guilt and inheritance

[LadyJanestar]

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

My youngest "sisters" choices

If your husband is such a great guy you should at least be able to have this discussion with him.

The husband doesn’t have a right to decide what she does with her inheritance, but he does have a right to leave the marriage if he feels sufficiently grieved enough. It will be OP that has to live with the consequences of that.

This is a man that’s shouldering the entire financial burden of the family without complaint. He’s now likely relieved and thankful that the burden is going to be reduced. I don’t think you can reasonably call him an arsehole for that tbh.

OP - can you explain more clearly the route the money took and who your Gran was biologically related to?

Was some of the £250K your Mum's that went to your gran? Or was the whole of the £250k always your Gran's?

Was your gran your Dad's mother?

Who is racist about who?

I think your feelings towards your DH having indulged all your wishes are different to your feelings about unfairness n your Gran's will.

Can you explain a bit more clearly what was inherited and when?
Is Gran your Dad's mother and therefore not biologically related to your half-sister?
Mum died first. Did she have a will which left everything to Dad or did she die intestate and he inherited everything automatically?
Who died next? Dad or Gran?

I don't think the situation is fair at all but maybe more context is needed.

Where has the inheritance come from?

Is it your Gran’s money that went to your Dad and then you?

Or is it your parents money that went to your Dad and then you?

What part of this was your Mum’s/your parents joint finances? And what did your mum’s will say?

We had a will in our family that we (me and my brother) inherited from and we felt it was unfair so we split the money again once we'd received it. I told my partner what I was doing but didn't ask his permission.

People are assuming that if OP's DF had been the first to go, her DM would have ensured OP and her half-sister inherited equally, but we don't know this. Sadly, I have known families where a parent has massively favoured one of their biological children over another in their will.

OP, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you try to bung your Dsis 10k to relieve your guilt then she's likely to see this as an insult. I suspect that the only thing that would make it fair, from her perspective, is if you gave her half. But that is a lot of money and I can see why your DH would feel hurt and angry about you putting your Dsis first.

Those saying "if your DH doesn't agree he's a terrible person" aren't thinking about the pressure he has been under being the sole provider for 5 people, because his wife decided she doesn't want to work but still wanted a bigger house and a bigger family, especially with all the economic uncertainty caused by Covid. The responsibility is huge, and I imagine the relief he felt on finding out that this inheritance would make them financially secure was huge too. If I had the rug pulled from under me in those circumstances I can't honestly say I'm 100% sure I'd manage to be gracious about it!

OP if I was in your position and decided to give half my inheritance to my Dsis I think I would go back to work, at least part time, to show my DH that I don't take him for granted and that I recognised the strain he'd been under.

I find the weirdest part about this the fact you can't discuss it with your DH. He clearly can't be that wonderful after all.

No money is ever guaranteed. This is basically a windfall you never expected which in other circumstances could have been swallowed up by other costs. Sure it's nice to inherit £250k but no one needs that amount of money if you're young and healthy. And certainly not at the expense of a sibling.

As pp have said, if the order had been different ie your dad died first, his estate would have passed to your mum and then been split 50/50. And that seems the fairest outcome, not profiting from the fact your mum died first.

Put yourself in your sister's position; would you be happy with the situation?

This is hard but I don't think you should give her half unless you speak to your husband and he agrees. OR insist on giving her half but then go back to work yourself.

I can see how your husband would be annoyed when, in your own words, you have 'refused' to go back to work and he's had a really tough financial burden to manage alone for several years. Now you have the opportunity to chip in, you really should do that.

In your shoes I'd be looking at giving her a lump sum if it's unlikely your husband would be on board with 50/50.

Whatever you do will not be right. We had a right time with our family and my DGM's will. Some DGC thought they should have the same as me even though (unfortunately) I had my DF's share and I did all the work for DGM.

Would you consider giving her half of what would have been your mother's? She will still be upset because she saw your DF as her father so thinks she should have half of it all?

I've worked so hard for my money and I have been very clear to my DS that anything I leave is for him and his DC's. I want him and his to have a better life from it.

Mumsnet loves telling people to leave their husbands. They also love telling people about how terrible dating is and about how awful it is being a stepmother and about how awful blended families are. And about how difficult it is to live on a single parent income.

Don’t jeopardise your marriage. If you need permission then here it is. Your relationship with your sister is dead anyway. Even if you gave a half she’d still be resentful. Any less than half and she’s going to hate you. That relationship is over. The relationship you have to prioritise is the one with your husband.

Don’t listen to mumsnet. Go and read the relationships board. If you have been a SAHM for a long time, you probably won’t be able to make a high salary if you went back into the workplace. You would be entitled to much less money from your husband than you think. Don’t throw away your marriage. You would deeply regret it.

@whumpthereitis

It sounds like your husband has, without complaint, shouldered the entire financial burden of a bigger house and supporting you when you (unilaterally) decided to be stay at home mother with three children. I can absolutely see why that now, when you have money that would ease the load significantly, he would not want you to give it away. I don’t think that makes him selfish.

I can also see why you feel terrible about it. It’s a difficult one but I do think that you should, on balance, prioritize your immediate family of husband and children.

This

Id be pretty annoyed if I was your husband

It's irrelevant whether she is a half or full sister - your grandmother didn't want her to have it

Life isn't fair and it's not necessarily fair that you forced your husband to be the sole earner which he sounds like he just accepted with no complaint

You didn’t make the wills. It’s not your fault that any of this happened.

Sit on it for a while and get help for the guilt and I think you will know how to proceed once some time passes and you take the heat out of it. None of this is your fault at all. Sorry for your losses x

@Googlecanthelpme

So your (half) sister has inherited nothing because your mum died, which automatically put everything into your dads name. Then he died and left everything to you minus the 17k.

That to me is wrong. I would LIVID if my husband did that to my 2 children after my death. I see that as a total betrayal. Had your dad died first then your mums estate would have been split 50/50 to her 2 daughters surely?

Assuming no massive back story where your mum and sister didn’t talk and mum had clearly disinherited her etc…

Also which gran is this? If mums mum, again I see this as questionable. If dads mum then i wound understand as they do not see your sister as their grandchild clearly.

So in your shoes I would absolutely split the estate from my dad - because your mum contributed to that estate throughout her life and it should go between you and your sister. The gran, that’s maybe different.

Oh by the way, if your husband would leave you for doing the morally right thing and splitting your MUM AND DADS estate with your SISTER then he’s not “perfect and wonderful and amazing” and all these other things you’ve said.
If he doesn’t realise that you inherited hundreds of thousands and your sister getting less than 20 grand isn’t unfair - well he’s a horrible greedy arse to be honest.

The only reason you’re in this position is bc your mum went first - that’s the crux as far as I see it

I agree with most of this. I don't think your DH is necessarily an arse though. Your sister is raising her DC alone and that will be difficult so I would talk to your DH about how much you can give your sister. It should be possible for everyone to benefit. You don't have to be mortgage free to enjoy life.

Do you not think that if they wanted to draw up a different will they would have?

I'm not suggesting op should share the money. But to me it comes down to if dad would have gone first, would everything have been split. But now that mom went first it meant that everything went to op. And also how much mom and dad each contributed to the inheritance. So like if mom had a high pay g job and paid for everything. But then in the end it is inherited by only one of her kids. That to me takes it to the grey area or the moral dilemma. But this is obviously all speculation.

My uncle fell out with my nan as she wrote in her will
'money to be split between 2 children if one child was to die before me there half would go to my other child'

He wanted his half to go to his children and she refused.

Once the money is yours, it is yours to do what you want with. Could you keep 200K and give your sister 50K ? For me it would depend on the relationship and what she had done for your parents and grandmother.

I wouldn't give my siblings anything, they have never given 2 shits about our mum.

* It sounds like your husband has, without complaint, shouldered the entire financial burden of a bigger house and supporting you when you (unilaterally) decided to be stay at home mother with three children. I can absolutely see why that now, when you have money that would ease the load significantly, he would not want you to give it away. I don’t think that makes him selfish.*

^I agree with this.

OP, you need to be aware that your sister may contest the will. Just because she is not your father's daughter she does not lose the right to contest. Your father (from what you say) brought her up and therefore from a legal perspective she is seen as a child of the family. I would speak to a solicitor (or the one who is administering your father's estate) asap. They may suggest making her an offer of some kind. Of course if they do, your husband cannot hold you responsible. If she does contest she might win so you would lose a chunk of the money and have legal bills to apy which will be enormous. I mean really enormous.
My only sibling contested my mother's estate on rather different grounds and with considerably less moral reason. It cost both of us a small fortune and in the end we settled on 10% after mediation.

WouldIwasShookspeared has hit the nail of the head, this has been written by the sister. I'd put money on it. The OP has been quite descriptive about the inheritors faults but hasn't gone into any length about the sister's issues, whatever these wrong choices were etc.

I reckon the sister has been reckless and is in the shit not necessarily of her own making but if she'd been a bit more thoughtful, been a bit less trusting of some shit men in her life, she'd be a in a better position now.

Keep the money OP. We are heading into a recession, war or who knows what, but help out your sister when you can.

I don't quite get why her unwise relationship choices should cost her her fair inheritance. If she'd been a murderer or something and subsequently disowned, I'd understand that more - but just because of her choices of partners?

Was that the actual reason that she was disinherited? If it was - and one of her perceived 'errors' was to have had a child with a black man, then by accepting this, you're partially condoning racism. The money would also go to benefit your sister's children, but it sounds like your nephew is potentially effectively being punished for not being white - not a wish that I could personally respect on the part of anybody, dead or alive.

It sounds like she morally should have had half of your DM's money (possibly not your DGM's) and it was just the 'accident' of death order that took it away from her. Obviously, it's a discussion you need to have with your DH, but morally, I would say that half of it is hers - regardless of how well you think she would or wouldn't use it.

Did the mum even have a will?

The OP's wording says that she inherited everything from her dad except for the 17k, which implies that everything went to the dad on mum's death (as it would if she was intestate, he would be next of kin) and it was HIS will that gave 17k to the sister and everything else to OP.

It really doesn't seem very fair or likely to have been what the mum would have wanted.

Just ask you DH one question.

How would he feel if it was you that was the half sister?

I'm going to guess that he'd be furious on your behalf (and his own) and would be advising getting a lawyer on to it. And he'd think your sister extraordinarily selfish if she refused to share.

fruitbrewhaha actually I thought it had been written by the sainted husband!

Tricky. The fact that your DH didn't even know she was a half sister implies that your are close to her. I think I'd have to give her some, maybe not half.

My mum had a very turbulent relationship with my brother, she was always changing her will, depending on how she perceived he had treated her. I told her she could do what she wanted, if she wanted to pay a solicitor every couple of weeks then crack on, but I would splitting any inheritance 50/50 regardless of the will. She told me she would come back and haunt me .