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Original poster

Sister Guilt and inheritance

399 replies

LadyJanestar · 09/03/2022 11:01

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

OP posts:
Gizacluethen · 09/03/2022 11:50

250k won't set you up for life, it's not actually a huge sum of money. It'll make your life a little easier. I think your dad and gran made their decision.

She's going to resent you no matter what. You could give her 100k and she'd still count the few k difference. You could give exactly half and she'd still blame you for your dad and grans choices. So I'd just never mention it to her I'd never ever bring it up or ever talk about money or holidays

irishfarmer · 09/03/2022 11:52

What you inherited from your gran is neither here nor there.

If your dad had died before your mam, your mam I presume would have had the sole estate. Would she have split it equally between her two daughters? Did you dad cut out your sister against what you think your mam would have wanted?

NameChangex3 · 09/03/2022 11:54

What @Googlecanthelpme said 100%

Stompythedinosaur · 09/03/2022 11:54

What an awful situation. Did the 17k represent half your dm's estate, or just half her savings account and then she has had no shares of other estate?

Can you nit have a conversation with your dh about the need to treat your dsis fairly? I think your df cutting her out of the will after her dm's death is terrible.

Gonnagetgoing · 09/03/2022 11:55

In my eyes I'd give my sister at least a quarter of the bigger estate.

Not me but childhood friends when their GP died got a big estate payout (GP was parent of their DF).

They felt sorry for some relatives who didn't get so much and the DF (alcoholic who's now dead after GP died) got a good sum too.

So they gave an amount to the relatives who didn't get much/nothing as they felt it was fair.

ClaryFairchild · 09/03/2022 11:55

Hmm, its a bit tricky. Do you know if it's the "dubious choices" that meant they didn't leave her anything or because she wasn't actually his child/her grandchild?

If you decide to keep all of your dad's share of the house, you should at least split your mum's share with your half sister, so she should get 1/4 of your parent's house, I feel parents have a greater responsibility for their children. But, it is up to your grandmother who she leaves things to.

But 1/4 of a million, that's only £250,000. That's not enough to make you rich but will help make it far more comfortable . But so would 3/4 of that.

Sally872 · 09/03/2022 11:55

Did your dad deliberately decide to leave money to you and not sister? Or has it been an automatic thing as you are blood relative of your dad?

Also what would your mum have done had your dad died first?

HyacynthBucket · 09/03/2022 11:59

This is really tricky, OP, but given the sacrifices your DH has made to support your unilateral choices that were different from the joint decisions you made together, he definitely deserves to be part of the decision-making about this. Can you discuss the dilemma with him?

Perhaps you can give her something, but I would not risk my marriage over it.

As DillyDollydingdong says upthread, it may not be possible to get this right. Whatever you decide jointly with DH, I would make a point of meeting her or writing to her and explaining your decision, but don't be moved from it. She may not agree with what you decide but at least you can be upfront about it, and say why. But don't seem to blame DH, which would be very unfair, have a united front. Silence on the issue may only drive more of a wedge perhaps? Wine

whumpthereitis · 09/03/2022 11:59

‘The husband isn’t a great person’ - except he’s supported OP fully in wanting a larger house, and taken on the entire financial burden of the family when she unilaterally decided to be a stay at home mother. He’s also a present and involved father, and was a great emotional support to her when she lost her father and grandmother. What a piece of shit Hmm

This money coming in takes a massive burden off his shoulders. I can absolutely see why he’d resent OP giving money away in these circumstances. It’s very easy for other posters to say ‘well if he disagrees he’s awful, do it anyway’ when they’re not the ones that would have to live with the consequences of that.

She could lose her marriage to the man she clearly loves. They’d probably have to sell the house and share custody. OP would have to go back to work.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 09/03/2022 11:59

You don't sound like you like yourself very much. You are describing yourself as though you are a selfish and unpleasant person. I'm sure others don't see you that way. Why are you being so hard on yourself?

"Refused to go back to work"
"Had my own way all along"

They're negative ways people would describe others, not how people normally describe themselves. Is this because you feel guilty and think this must mean you're a shitty person? Or that you now owe your husband?

People have the right to leave their money to whoever they choose. You don't have to give away what they chose to give you if that's not the right thing for you. It doesn't make you an awful person.

BeHappy91818 · 09/03/2022 12:00

You should respect the wishes of the people that gave it to you.

And create less of a burden for the husband that does everything for you and your children. This money will also help
Your children at uni and further their lives.

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 09/03/2022 12:00

I agree that the "respect the wishes of the dead" line is cowardly and disingenuous when clearly only the wishes of some of the dead are being respected - if they'd died in a different order with the mum last (as expected because the dad and gran were terminally ill and the mum wasn't) the split would very likely have been 50/50.

I also agree you're rather damned whatever you do as your sister won't be grateful for a token amount even if the token is a substantial sum.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 09/03/2022 12:00

Meant to ask also - is your husband using those sentences to describe you?

peboh · 09/03/2022 12:02

@BeHappy91818

You should respect the wishes of the people that gave it to you.

And create less of a burden for the husband that does everything for you and your children. This money will also help
Your children at uni and further their lives.

Surely then (assuming mum would have left 50/50 to both her children) dad wasn't respecting the wishes of the person who left it to him.

Why does one take priority over the other?

Dozycuntlaters · 09/03/2022 12:02

Were your mum and dad still together when they died? If your dad had died first presumably the estate would have been split between you and your sister? Why did your dad leave her out if he brought her up as his own?

I think legally it is obviously fine for you to keep what has been willed to you. Morally? Hhmmm that's another thing entirely. As for your DH, as decants he is...it is not for him to tell you that you can't give some of the inheritance to your sister so he's a bit of a dick in that respect, especially if you think he would leave you over it. it's hard to judge without knowing the full family dynamics.

PlntLady · 09/03/2022 12:03

Protect your marriage and your kids. Your sister made unfortunate choices and if this is the result of that then so be it. Tbh if she is telling others she expects you to share then she isnt painting herself in the best light.
That said, is there some other ways you could help out? You said she has children. Could you put some money in a trust / savings account for them for when they are older?

CharlotteRose90 · 09/03/2022 12:04

Oh geez what an awful situation and sorry but nasty parents. They have 2 kids but cut one out because they aren’t perfect like the other and made some wrong choices. She deserves some of that money but you need to work out what’s more important to you , your relationship with your sister and her children or your husband. If it was my sister I’d be cutting her straight off for doing that. Your mother’s half of the estate should be divided between her kids, sounds like it was your dad that made the decision.

Rewis · 09/03/2022 12:05

Did your mom and dad own the house together and when she passed he got it and decided to give it to his biochild? If your dad would have gone first would the house then have been split into two (op and sister). I would not be happy if I was the sister if my mom's hard earned money would go to someone else. Well, it's just another reason why everyone. Especially blended families need to write wills.

You don't have to give her anything. But also, you wonderful brilliant husband would be upset to the point of marriage ever recovering if you give something to your sister? The thing is, giving £10k might weirdly feel worse worse her than not giving anything. Unless there is something she is very much struggling with like you could pay off her credit card etc. I just think it's one of those that you have to accept that your relationship with sister won't be the same.

AuntMargo · 09/03/2022 12:06

I think you will regret this if you dont give her a good lump, its not her fault she is a hard sibling x

BeenHereForAges · 09/03/2022 12:06

Honestly i wouldn't over think it. Respect the wishes of your deceased family who wanted to give you this gift. Pay off your mortgage, take the pressure off your DH (he sounds like a lovely husband).
Perhaps in the future your half sis will be left inheritance from a relative on her biological fathers side of the family. Who knows what may happen.

BlackCoffeeInAPoolOfSunshine · 09/03/2022 12:07

WouldIwasShookspeared that's actually a good point - in fact now that you've raised it I wonder who actually wrote the post...

Brideandprejudice · 09/03/2022 12:09

Why do you feel you need to give her half? You could give her less.

needmoreshinys · 09/03/2022 12:12

I am sorry to be insensitive but has this happened, because their deaths were in quick succession?

If so, is it possible that your dad might have changed his will?
Did your dad die before you gran?

Sharrowgirl · 09/03/2022 12:13

Several factors here. What is your relationship with your sister like? Are you close?

Is she responsible and a good parent or will she piss the money up the wall?

Have you even asked your husband? There could be some middle ground between nothing and half.

FairyPrincess123 · 09/03/2022 12:13

The will were obviously drawn up with your Grans and Dads wishes.

This.

Do you not think that if they wanted to draw up a different will they would have?