Page 16 | Sister Guilt and inheritance

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 10/03/2022 17:48

@BambinaJAS

So let me get this straight.

A husband and wife buy and house and raise their children, the mother is a SAHM. The wife decides she can’t effectively cut her own sister out of inheritance (which her father has done) and that gives the husband carte blanche to not pay for anything except for necessities for the rest of their lives?

I mean, if this splits them up then so be it. I couldn’t live with a man who was only with me because there was an expectation of a huge inheritance at the end of it.

Sure I don’t think it’s wrong for a spouse to be disappointed the inheritance would be less than originally expected. That’s fine. But I just can’t fathom the attitude of either basically letting my sister know she’s basically nothing to me or the rest of the family, or being a spouse so disgruntled by a lessened inheritance that I would punish them financially or even by leaving them!

I can’t believe so many mothers on this thread would have so little empathy for the sister!

whumpthereitis · 10/03/2022 18:10

mean, if this splits them up then so be it. I couldn’t live with a man who was only with me because there was an expectation of a huge inheritance at the end of it.

Again with the things that were never said. Where was it said the husband’s only with OP for the inheritance? It wasn’t. The inheritance isn’t an abstract, they have the inheritance now, and he would be against giving it away when it can be used to secure his family’s future.

Maybe losing a marriage is a ‘so be it’ thing for you over an issue you’re not actually facing, but It certainly wouldn’t be for me, likely isn’t for the OP, and I imagine wouldn’t be for quite a few, if not most.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 10/03/2022 18:53

@Thewindwhispers

“Respect the wishes of the dead” is such nonsense - they gave you the money to do as you like with, if you choose to give some away, that is up to you.

If it was me I would definitely give the half-sister something - probably £50k although chrck out how to do that while avoiding gift tax.

Your husband sounds great, so surely he will understand? You need to talk to him. Don’t say “I’ve inherited loads and wanna spend it” say “My dad and gran have been cruel and unfair and possibly a bit racist in their wills and I wanna do something to correct that as they’re using me to punish my sister and it feels horrible.”

Good luck!

If I could bring myself to type ^This, I would.

BambinaJAS · 10/03/2022 18:58

[quote ChiefWiggumsBoy]@BambinaJAS

So let me get this straight.

A husband and wife buy and house and raise their children, the mother is a SAHM. The wife decides she can’t effectively cut her own sister out of inheritance (which her father has done) and that gives the husband carte blanche to not pay for anything except for necessities for the rest of their lives?

I mean, if this splits them up then so be it. I couldn’t live with a man who was only with me because there was an expectation of a huge inheritance at the end of it.

Sure I don’t think it’s wrong for a spouse to be disappointed the inheritance would be less than originally expected. That’s fine. But I just can’t fathom the attitude of either basically letting my sister know she’s basically nothing to me or the rest of the family, or being a spouse so disgruntled by a lessened inheritance that I would punish them financially or even by leaving them!

I can’t believe so many mothers on this thread would have so little empathy for the sister![/quote]
Family of Choice (Husband & Kids) comes first

It really is not difficult to understand.

Her "Guilt" is irrelevant.

To be perfectly blunt, she sounds financially inexperienced and rather immature.

This is really not a hard call.

blubberyboo · 10/03/2022 18:58

I don’t understand why you think it would end your marriage if your husband is as great as you say. Surely he would want you to be unburdened with your conscience if you felt like giving her something. You don’t have to give her exactly half and it was cruel of your family to leave her out. You are also very judgmental about her. You were lucky to get a good man and she was unlucky to get a bad man. Nothing that she could control.

DancingBarefootOnIce · 11/03/2022 13:33

@CharlesIsQueensHorcrux

Hi OP - I think you are making your sister repay a debt you owe to your husband. You haven’t been very fair to him, now there’s an opportunity to balance that out, but it involves doing the wrong thing by your sister. Exactly what the right thing to do by your sister is depends on some of the qs on this thread, like is your gran her gran, but I think you should be giving her something and I think you should be going back to work to deal with the issue with your husband. Maybe he feels stressed and overworked which is why he might explode if you want to give your sister some of the money? You have the power to diffuse that situation by doing your fair share financially at home. Good luck!

Well said!

Djmaggie · 11/03/2022 14:10

I really feel for your Sister. My Mother would be thoroughly disgusted with my Father in this situation and with me if I didn’t put it right when I could. I would also seriously consider my marriage if my Husband were to issue an ultimatum like that.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/03/2022 15:40

@whumpthereitis pardon me but it was YOU who took umbrage with the fact no one was addressing your question about ‘what if it breaks up her marriage’

And your last sentence makes literally no sense.

But thanks for your continued engagement. I fundamentally disagree with you. It’s not going to change with you insinuating I’m some sort of idiot.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/03/2022 15:42

@BambinaJAS

I don’t know who you’re referring to when you say her “guilt” or who sounds financially inexperienced.

Either way, I fundamentally disagree with you and wouldn’t want to lose a sister in order to keep a large inheritance. I wouldn’t want to lose a husband either, let’s be clear, but equally I can’t imagine being with a man who the OP in not so many words has said might split the family if she shares it.

Scottishskifun · 11/03/2022 15:54

If you want to give her a token amount (no more then 25k) but not half. You don't know the background as to why your dad did this especially if he brought her up and it's also possible if she made bad choices that over that time money was already given to her whilst your parents were alive which you weren't aware of.

It's your inheritance to do as you wish but I also believe you should respect the wishes if your dad wanted to leave her money he would have.

In comparison I know my parents wills are not 50/50 to my brother and I, more like 65/35 to me. The reason is my brother has and still recieves a substantial amount of financial help from my parents as a adult so they have equalled it out as they can't afford to give us both the same (not that I would accept as a grown woman who has a job!) I am aware of this fact because my mum doesn't want arguments which of course my brother has already tried (he's 39!) Point is there might be background to this and that's why the decision was made.

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2022 16:44

[quote ChiefWiggumsBoy]@whumpthereitis pardon me but it was YOU who took umbrage with the fact no one was addressing your question about ‘what if it breaks up her marriage’

And your last sentence makes literally no sense.

But thanks for your continued engagement. I fundamentally disagree with you. It’s not going to change with you insinuating I’m some sort of idiot.[/quote]
Relax. It was curiosity, not umbrage.

It seems then that the consequences for OP and her nuclear family are just written off as ‘…so be it’. Really doesn’t go any way in capturing the scope of the thing that’s being suggested. Maybe I’m wrong though, and OP really would appreciate the ‘so be it’ if she took the action you think she should and blew up her marriage. Cracking advice, in that case.

My last sentence is simply that most people would find resolving this situation slightly more difficult if faced with it in their own lives. Especially if they were a stay at home parent with a considerable mortgage, wholly financially reliant on the wage of the person it’s proposed they fuck off with a wave of a hand and no real thought.

And you’re welcome Although I’m really not insinuating anything. I have no doubt whatsoever that you’re fully capable of presenting yourself.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/03/2022 16:58

Geez can’t win can I? Present a hypothetical situation and it’s all “that’s not what’s happening though is it?” - don’t, and I’m not considering all the possible things that could happen and how they might feel. My opinions don’t constitute ‘advice’ either. It’s literally just what I think and believe.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 11/03/2022 17:19

And meanwhile, having answered NONE of the questions that would have clarified lots about this situation, the OP hasn’t been seen for 2 days and remains a 1 Post Wonder.

bozzabollix · 11/03/2022 17:28

We’ve got a similar thing brewing with my older half sister who has never lived with us, and has at times been estranged from my parents. The Will hasn’t been changed since back in the days when she didn’t want anything to do with them, where she gets a few thousand but not much.

Personally I’m urging my parents to change it, they don’t see that anything is going to happen to them soon so there’s no rush, so technically if they both died tomorrow that’s what she’d be given. I would definitely make the money up to a third of my Dad’s half of the estate, I don’t know about my other sister who’s far more skint than me. But I’d want to know I’ve done what I think is fair.

If you don’t it’s going to have a horrible effect on your relationship with your sister. A wrong has been done by your father which may drive a wedge anyway, but at least you’ve done as much as you can.

Funnily enough, I’ve never even considered my husband when it comes to this. Any inheritance is a bonus now with care costs often drawing on the estate. I would similarly leave him to decide if he were in a similar situation.

Bad blood over wills is not worth it unless you’re absolutely strapped for cash, when it must be hard to give cash away.

Newmumatlast · 11/03/2022 20:19

@LadyJanestar

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

I would give her more even if not half.

The issues re your marriage seem more to do with the pressure you put on your husband- which to be fair he accepted, and could've said no as I wouldve in his shoes - in terms of the bigger house then not wanting to work and having more kids than it seems from your OP maybe he wanted.

This is your inheritance, not his, and for you to decide what to do with it. Any inheritance from you which goes into the family home is free money for him not anticipated or guaranteed. He made his own decisions to do what you have both done together. As I say, he could've said no

Newmumatlast · 11/03/2022 20:26

I should add when I say "even if not half" that's because presuming she is you mum's daughter not your dad's, I would expect her to have half of your mum's own money and half on her maternal Grans (not sure if it is you maternal Gran or paternal), but not half of your paternal side as they arent her blood relatives. Inheriting anything of theirs is more up to them I think as she has her own other half of the family.

I say this as a stepmum where our wills have my share of our money going to my blood children and my husband's share going to his blood children. This has been explained to my step daughter. She has her own mum to inherit from and her mum won't be putting my kids down in her will so it seems fair to me. My kids will be the ones not seeing me as much because I'm away working my arse off for them. So they should be the ones to benefit direct from my work. My husband should ensure all of his children, including my step daughter, get a fair shareof his assets. And to be fair as I am the breadwinner and have put more into the pot, even his share is made up of money I have put in so my step daughter will be set to inherit more from her dad than she ever would've had I not been on the scene boosting his share of our joint assets.

Aguilera1984 · 14/03/2022 15:26

Your husband gets absolutely zero say in your inheritance. The fact that your marriage would be broken if you don’t make your inheritance community property where you get zero say in how it is used tells me that your husband may not be much better than the men your sister has chosen. You can do what you want on a clean conscience with your inheritance. Do not let your husband control it, though. Its yours!

beachcitygirl · 14/03/2022 15:33

@Googlecanthelpme

So your (half) sister has inherited nothing because your mum died, which automatically put everything into your dads name. Then he died and left everything to you minus the 17k.

That to me is wrong. I would LIVID if my husband did that to my 2 children after my death. I see that as a total betrayal. Had your dad died first then your mums estate would have been split 50/50 to her 2 daughters surely?

Assuming no massive back story where your mum and sister didn’t talk and mum had clearly disinherited her etc…

Also which gran is this? If mums mum, again I see this as questionable. If dads mum then i wound understand as they do not see your sister as their grandchild clearly.

So in your shoes I would absolutely split the estate from my dad - because your mum contributed to that estate throughout her life and it should go between you and your sister. The gran, that’s maybe different.

Oh by the way, if your husband would leave you for doing the morally right thing and splitting your MUM AND DADS estate with your SISTER then he’s not “perfect and wonderful and amazing” and all these other things you’ve said.
If he doesn’t realise that you inherited hundreds of thousands and your sister getting less than 20 grand isn’t unfair - well he’s a horrible greedy arse to be honest.

The only reason you’re in this position is bc your mum went first - that’s the crux as far as I see it

This. With bells on 👏🏻

LJAKS · 14/03/2022 15:47

I have step parents and am a step parent. If my mum dies before my stepdad the expectation is that he will split their estate between me and my stepbrother (stepdads son not my mums) grandparents less so, I had different grandparents from my step brother. Mine left me nothing his left him 10k. I didn't expect half. But out actual parents who lived together and equally contributed to the "estate" while alive? That should be split. Regarding my own dc and step ex my partner and I take the same view, grandparents we can't control, although they're all great at keeping all kids equal at the moment, but from our perspective, our kids are our kids and will all receive the same when we die, the ones that have other parents will get whatever is left by the other sides so may well end up better off than our bio dc but there's not a lot we can do about that as long as we keep them all the same.
So in short, if this sister was brought up in your family by your mother and your bio father was her stepfather I can't believe he would discount her. If the inheritance has come from his mother, excusable.

caringcarer · 14/03/2022 16:05

Do you love your half sister and want to keep a good relationship with her? If answer is no keep the money. If answer is yes talk to her. It will have come as a great blow to her to find the person she saw as her Dad all through growing up snubbed her in death. How would you feel if it was the other way around? At the very least give her the £17k your Mum left to you. I love my sister's and would give them as much larger chunk. How would you feel if your sister cut you out her life entirely? Can't you see your sister is the only one who will remember your childhood similar to you and it sounds like you have very few blood relatives left. If your Dad died first, money would have gone to your Mum and then been shared equally. If you keep all of that money to yourself you will lose your step sister. If it was my youngest sister I would just sit the money equally and I know she would do same for me, but we are close and I can't imagine my life without her in it. What you chose to do you will have to live with consequences, not your DH. But you do need to talk with your sister. The fact she has not started legal proceedings shows you she is not grabby.

caringcarer · 14/03/2022 16:27

I had a student who was 17. Her Gran left her entire home including belongings to her but nothing to her younger brother or to the parents. Her reasoning her son was mortgage free and we'll off, his son would inherit business from him her Grand Daughter was close to her. My student, a lovely girl immediately told the solicitor she wanted to split the money from sale of house with her younger brother and asked he not be told he had not inherited the money because she did not want him into feel unloved by his Gran. She told me she loved her brother more than the money from her Grant's house.

Bellringer · 16/03/2022 16:54

People need to get legal advice and make wills somthis can't happen

impossible · 17/03/2022 19:00

That is such a nice story caringcarer - and something I would hope most people would do. There is no joy in money with a guilty conscience or in return for someone else's pain.

Cassandra23 · 21/04/2022 00:05

It depends if you value the relationship with your sister. 2 months ago my husbands stepfather died leaving his half sister 185K and my husband 500 quid. He also left his other daughter 2k. who was a daughter from the first marriage. The hurt that is felt when one sibling inherits 98% is very real. did the parent/step parent think so little of their son daughter?
How can a person who loves their brother or sister be OK with such an inequitable inheritance? It really isnt about the money its about treating a sibling with love, respect and fairness and not acting like a money grabber. How can a parent and step parent leave an inheritance that is such an ugly legacy for their children?