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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister Guilt and inheritance

399 replies

LadyJanestar · 09/03/2022 11:01

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2022 12:16

Your father, who was not her biological father, chose not to leave her anything. SHe got half of your mum's money (fair).
I assume your Gran was your Dad's mother, which would also explain why she left nothing to the child who was not related to her.

It's not fair when, in life, they accepted her as part of the family - but in death, they've rejected her.

But it was their choice.

Now the money is yours - but also your husband's because you're married.

I don't think you should give her half^ of your inheritance - but I don't see anything wrong with giving her a gift - you just have to be careful of the tax implications for her, depending on how much you want to give her.

Your husband shouldn't be the final controller of this decision - the money was left to you, not to him - but there is a good point that, if she has made many bad decisions, throwing money at her will not necessarily help her.

I have a family member who used to be absolutely dreadful with money - has since improved - but Wills written around this family member have always invoked Trusts and other financial caveats to prevent them blowing it.

RealBecca · 09/03/2022 12:17

"I want to give her half" so do it.

Presumably future inheritance wasnt part of the discussion when you and your husband agreed you wouldn't go back. So that isn't leverage now.

But you do need a discussion about what you both thinknos a fair division about putting into the family kitty and sharing labour fairly.

Lime37 · 09/03/2022 12:17

I have half siblings my mum has made it crystal clear that this situation dosnt happen and we split everything. My mum would be so ashamed of me if I didn’t split it.

StartleBright · 09/03/2022 12:20

This is a tough one OP. I am in a similar (but different!) position. My mum went through huge personality changes in the last few years of her life and had paranoid episodes about the people around her. This led her to changing her will depending on who was on the merry- go- round of love and hate with her. I was certainly off it at the end. However, she went through a sustained period of dislike for my SIL and enjoyed saying my brother would be cut out of her will as she didn't want her getting a penny. Tragic really. So, I made my peace with the situation by stepping away, and I may be written out of the will myself. However, if I do receive anything, I will be making sure my brother gets his share, no matter what is written. I am not going to let old foolishness (and illness) create any bitterness in the new life my shattered family has going forward. I am also at peace that I may be written out and that whoever the beneficiary is may not feel so inclined to share with me. That will be on their conscience. Money can be life changing on the outside, but I couldn't allow myself to be used as a weapon to cause my brother pain. My husband would accept that it is my money, my inheritance, and mine to dispense with as I felt I needed to, and would recognize the real pain it would cause me to be unfair to a sibling caught in the wrong place by a damaged parent.
I would say listen hard to what your heart has to say beyond your wishes to please the people around you. Best of luck.

Frenchfancy · 09/03/2022 12:21

It looks like you might have to make a choice between your DH and your sister.

For me, my priorities are always first and foremost my children. If losing your sister but keeping your mariage was the best thing for them then that is what I would do.

Amnotamug · 09/03/2022 12:22

So if your father had died first and your Mum last …would your mum have split the inheritance 50:50 . If so well there is your answer!
You say your husband is amazing etc etc but you then say that it could wreck your marriage if you give your sister a chunk of the money…so he isn’t that lovely and amazing after all !

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 09/03/2022 12:23

If she did actually say she expected you to share I would give her nothing.
Inheritance isn't a right. If she was in the will fair enough but she wasn't.
Walk a way with your head held high op.

SparklingStars10 · 09/03/2022 12:23

Wow, imagine being raised by your father as his own and then giving everything to his biological daughter. That is terrible. Her relationship choices have nothing to do with this, so I’m unsure why you needed to mention this, was you trying to make her look bad, to justify why she shouldn’t be given any inheritance? If your DH is the perfect husband, then you would not be afraid to discuss giving your sister half of the inheritance.

SpaceshiptoMars · 09/03/2022 12:23

If it is very difficult with DH, I think you could make a good case to at least give your sister all of your Mum's savings. It's possible your gran did a 'not over my dead body will that girl get a penny' type statement, but if everything from your Mum went to her, it might feel a bit better.

Clenchyourbuttocks · 09/03/2022 12:24

250k won't set you up for life, it's not actually a huge sum of money

Only on Mumsnet.

DiamondBright · 09/03/2022 12:24

@Gizacluethen

250k won't set you up for life, it's not actually a huge sum of money. It'll make your life a little easier. I think your dad and gran made their decision.

She's going to resent you no matter what. You could give her 100k and she'd still count the few k difference. You could give exactly half and she'd still blame you for your dad and grans choices. So I'd just never mention it to her I'd never ever bring it up or ever talk about money or holidays

£250,000 isn't a huge amount of money? Really?

The OP wasn't suggesting they'd retire and live the high life on it but just being mortgage free early would set most of us up nicely.

HollowTalk · 09/03/2022 12:28

Did your mum die without leaving a will, or did she say everything she owned should be split between you?

converseandjeans · 09/03/2022 12:30

I think she should inherit something tbh. Surely the estate was half your Mums and half your Dads. So your Mum's half should be split 50/50 between you and your sister and your Dad's half goes to you?

I don't think your husband is that nice a person if he wants to keep hold of it all. It's not even his family - he's married into the money. He is now trying to see a single Mum struggle on her own. Your sister is more entitled to money that your husband.

I think your Mum would be upset to know that your sister had been left so little in comparison.

saraclara · 09/03/2022 12:30

What is your perfect husband's reasoning for you not addressing the huge disparity in you and your sister's inheritance? You were brought up together by the same mother. He didn't even know you were half-siblings until recently, so to all intents and purposes you were a normal family with a normal sibling relationship.

It seems to me that your dad had no concern for what your mother would have wanted. Do you know if she made a will, and what it said? If there's any chance that she might have made her wishes clear in her own will (maybe leaving her estate to her DH, but if he pre-deceased her, equally to you and your sister) then that might help clarify things for you both.

People seem to feel that your DH should be 'paid back' for his willingness to support you, but that implies that he wouldn't have done so without the expectation of this windfall. If he only did in the expectation of a £250k payback, then he's not great at all.

whumpthereitis · 09/03/2022 12:30

£250,000 can disappear very quickly considering on the size of the mortgage, OP’s location, and the general rising costs of living.

I don’t think anyone is saying that it’s not a nice amount of money, just that it’s not an amount where you could give half away and not miss it.

occa · 09/03/2022 12:30

@CheeseCakeSunflowers

You say that it was expected that your DM would outlive your DF. When your DM died did your DF change his will or did it predate your DM's death? If it did then I would work out how the inheritance would have been split had they died in a different order, as that would be what they were expecting to happen. If this means your sister would have received more then I think it would be morally right to give her the amount she would have inherited.
Agree with this. What did your mum’s will say? How did she want her assets split?

It seems like your sis has been really shafted by your dad here, sorry.

dammit88 · 09/03/2022 12:31

I can't understand why your husband would be so put out?

I assume if you mum hadn't died the estate would have eventually been shared more evenly? is that your guilt?

Sorry for your losses, it sounds like a tough time.

saraclara · 09/03/2022 12:31

I think she should inherit something tbh. Surely the estate was half your Mums and half your Dads. So your Mum's half should be split 50/50 between you and your sister and your Dad's half goes to you?

That would be my compromise, too.

Notwithittoday · 09/03/2022 12:32

I’m not sure you can win here. Your home and your family have to be the top priority. You can’t possibly give her half. That’s out. Giving her some will probably have the same result as giving her none in your sister’s mind but you could try and hope you get to keep the relationship with your sister.
On balance, I would agree an amount with your husband and hope for the best. If he is totally against it then that amount is £0.

Synchrony · 09/03/2022 12:33

I don't think you should feel guilty - it was your parents' and Gran's money to do with as they wished.

Having said that, I would have to give my sister something. If your husband is so great I don't see why you can't reach a compromise. For example, pay off your mortgage then split what remains with your sister.

My Dad died and left nothing to his partner as they weren't married and there was no will. I chose to give her some of my share. Wasn't a huge percentage tbh, but it seemed so harsh to just leave her and forget that Dad loved her. I was so glad I did, she was so grateful to be acknowledged.

muddyford · 09/03/2022 12:34

Your half-sister might get caught for capital gains tax if you attempt to give her large sums of money that you inherited.

HazelBite · 09/03/2022 12:34

My late father was very dissapointed in my youngest "choices" and behaviours and was asking myself and my older sister to get a solicitor when he was in the hospice so that he change his will.
We didn't facilitate his request.
However it was what he wanted and he had his own and particular reasons, all of which, it has transpired since his death, were very valid.
There may have been incidences and behaviours that you personally are not aware of, so tread very carefully, there may be a reason that you know nothing about that affected the terms of the wills.
(Just to add your half sister would be (more than likely) unsucessful trying to take this to Court)

CellophaneFlower · 09/03/2022 12:34

If your dad brought your sister up from a young child as his own did he actually write her out of his will or is it by default of your mum unexpectedly dying first that you've received it all? If so, I think you know you need to give her half.

My partner brought my eldest up from the age of 8, he's 24 now (he does have a biological dad who he sees rarely) and we now have 2 young kids of our own. He would NEVER not share any inheritance equally between our 3 children if I were to go first. He would however maybe not have realised he'd need to write a will specifically stating this, as he sees my eldest as his own. Could this be what has happened in your case?

Regarding your husband... he really has no right to decide what happens with YOUR inheritance in this respect. He sounds very greedy if you assume this would upset him and affect your marriage. I think you also know this and that's why you've portrayed him as a saint. My dad died last year. My partner did absolutely everything for him in his last year. I'd never consider him not equally entitled to the inheritance I received, if not moreso. Not once has he tried to dictate how it should be spent.

Thelnebriati · 09/03/2022 12:34

Don't do anything for at least 6 months, you feel guilty, torn and obligated and this is not the time to make any decisions that will have serious consequenses.

If I was in your shoes I would clear the mortgage, and put money in trust for my own children's education and future.
I would give my sister a gift, but not half.

ANUsernam · 09/03/2022 12:36

What @Zilla1 said.

Honestly I wouldn't want to be married to a man who would deny my sister her share.

If you have unilaterally made poor financial decisions in your marriage and not shouldered your share of the burden and your husband is unhappy over that, or even wouldn't leave you because of it, that is an entirely separate issue.

Are you really willing to screw your sister financially to keep your marriage because you've made poor decisions? Is that really the example you want to give your kids for how they should treat each other?