Sister Guilt and inheritance

[LadyJanestar]

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

@Googlecanthelpme

So your (half) sister has inherited nothing because your mum died, which automatically put everything into your dads name. Then he died and left everything to you minus the 17k.

That to me is wrong. I would LIVID if my husband did that to my 2 children after my death. I see that as a total betrayal. Had your dad died first then your mums estate would have been split 50/50 to her 2 daughters surely?

Assuming no massive back story where your mum and sister didn’t talk and mum had clearly disinherited her etc…

Also which gran is this? If mums mum, again I see this as questionable. If dads mum then i wound understand as they do not see your sister as their grandchild clearly.

So in your shoes I would absolutely split the estate from my dad - because your mum contributed to that estate throughout her life and it should go between you and your sister. The gran, that’s maybe different.

Oh by the way, if your husband would leave you for doing the morally right thing and splitting your MUM AND DADS estate with your SISTER then he’s not “perfect and wonderful and amazing” and all these other things you’ve said.
If he doesn’t realise that you inherited hundreds of thousands and your sister getting less than 20 grand isn’t unfair - well he’s a horrible greedy arse to be honest.

The only reason you’re in this position is bc your mum went first - that’s the crux as far as I see it

I agree with this. If your Dad had died first then presumably your sister, a single parent, would be receiving half of your mums estate. What would your mum want you to do?

saraclara you're quite right. What sort of DM would allow one of their DDs to be disinherited by her DH. Presumably if DM had died after DF her DDs would have shared the inheritance equally. For OP to see this muddle as an opportunity to clear her mortgage while leaving her sister with next to nothing is shameful.
OP should state now that the money will be shared as DM would have wished.

@whumpthereitis if you had two children, one with your DH and one from a previous relationship (who your DH has brought up alongside you since that child was very small) would you think it entirely fair of your DH said that if you pre-decease him, he will leave all his estate (including your half of the house) to the child you had with him, and next to nothing to the other child?

If you were able to look down from the pearly gates to see that he had done just that, and one of your children had only 5% of your combined welath, and the other had 95%, what would you hope that the 95% child would do for the sister that she had grown up with? Nothing? Just sit and enjoy the fruits of unfairness because her husband dictated it?

[quote saraclara]@whumpthereitis if you had two children, one with your DH and one from a previous relationship (who your DH has brought up alongside you since that child was very small) would you think it entirely fair of your DH said that if you pre-decease him, he will leave all his estate (including your half of the house) to the child you had with him, and next to nothing to the other child?

If you were able to look down from the pearly gates to see that he had done just that, and one of your children had only 5% of your combined welath, and the other had 95%, what would you hope that the 95% child would do for the sister that she had grown up with? Nothing? Just sit and enjoy the fruits of unfairness because her husband dictated it?[/quote]
Well, if he said that, or if he didn’t and I decided I wanted to take definite steps to prevent that from happening, I’d make sure to sort out my own will in such a way that my share was split between him children. You know, the same advice that is given out here when stepparents enquire about how to organise their will. The mother may very well have done that, given that the sister did get an inheritance from her.

Other than that, I’d be dead. Due to being dead, not only would it not matter what I wanted (yet didn’t specify), I’d be quite beyond caring.

@whumpthereitis presumably OP's mother didn't know that this was his plan and trusted that her DH would do the decent thing (though it seems she didn't expect to pre-decease him).

Let's change the question then. If you had two daughters, how would you bring them up? Would you be proud of a daughter who, by a twist of fate, inherited almost all of her sister's share and kept it all to herself, at the literal and emotional cost of her sister? The sister who is also your daughter and who you presumably love with all your heart?

Quite frustrating that the op hasn’t returned to expand on a few things.

[quote saraclara]@whumpthereitis presumably OP's mother didn't know that this was his plan and trusted that her DH would do the decent thing (though it seems she didn't expect to pre-decease him).

Let's change the question then. If you had two daughters, how would you bring them up? Would you be proud of a daughter who, by a twist of fate, inherited almost all of her sister's share and kept it all to herself, at the literal and emotional cost of her sister? The sister who is also your daughter and who you presumably love with all your heart?[/quote]
Well, we don’t have the information necessary to presume anything in regards to what the mother may or may not have wanted. For all your assumptions that she’d care deeply, and that your assumptions that she didn’t intend for this to happen, the bottom line is that if she didn’t actually set her will up to divide her share when it is fairly easy to do so, then you could equally assume that she wanted the money and assets split this way.

OP also inherited from the grandmother. To what extent we don’t know. The OP’s mother and father could very well have had separate finances, something that is not uncommon with blended families. What share of assets OP’s mother had available to split, she may well have done so. Hence the sister receiving the £17000.

You’re assuming a lot of things about a dead woman you didn’t know, and a lot of things about wills you’ve never read. You’re running with a scenario that suits your narrative, when you have no solid basis for it. There is no ‘sister’s share’ beyond what she was explicitly given, the rest is OP’s. If I was the mother floating around the afterlife? Well, if hadn’t bothered organising something different (if indeed I could have done), then I’d have no reason to be ashamed of OP. She’s got the money she was bequeathed, that was intended for her.

If this is even true I wouldn’t particularly blame OP for not coming back. I doubt this thread would help organise her thoughts at all, given that the main thrust is that she, her husband, her dead parents and her grandmother are all a bunch of cunts.

Actually, that’s probably what I would be judging from the great beyond, @saraclara: that my dumbass child thought she could post such a topic on here and not have it turn into an utter shit show.

It’s interesting how the responses on here differ from common threads on MN.

What can I do my Mum died and left everything to my Dad. My Dad remarried and then died leaving everything to my step mother. Step mother has just died and left everything to her children, including my Mums jewellery. The responses are usually along the lines of either yes this happened to me or you may try to contest but very difficult.

I have DC and will be marrying new man. We are writing wills and he thinks I should leave everything to him and he has promised to make sure my DC inherit or he wants me to leave equal % to his children even though I had huge inheritance from my parents. The responses are usually own the house as tenants in common and leave your 50% to your DC with a life interest for your new husband.

Parents have, either through gifts or inheritance, given one sibling far more (£250k) than the other and how upset the one left out feels. Responses are either parents should split 50:50 or it’s your parents money they get to leave it to who they want e.g. cats home.

People will always have their own point of view on what they think the OP should do. The reality is the OP has done nothing wrong, they did not write the wills, they cannot change the fact that legally they are the major beneficiary, it is not fair their DSis is upset. However, it falls to them to try and work out what to do knowing their DSis will still be hurt regardless of whether or not she shares the inheritance.

The important thing to take from this is that everyone should have a will in place that covers a range of scenarios. If you are going to differentiate between siblings, step children etc. please write a letter explaining why you made that decision.

Sorry it should read it’s their fault their DSis is upset.

Fgs it should read it’s not their fault their DSis is upset. Typing too late at night.

I’d give some to the nephews in a trust for them and give it to them when they are older.

@Honeyroar

Quite frustrating that the op hasn’t returned to expand on a few things.

Yes! I was hoping to see answers to some of the questions raised.

If you are going to differentiate between siblings, step children etc. please write a letter explaining why you made that decision
Surely most people will realise that not doing this will read like a massive f you to the people treated unfairly so maybe it’s often intended.

Your DH sounds like a greedy twat. You can sing his praises but if your marriage would be over over this then he's not the wonderful person you describe.

I'd give my sister half. That's just me as I adore my sister and its just us two. But I know my DH would agree with me.

At this stage I would wait at least 6 months before doing anything.

I would get legal advice before giving your half sister money and also find out if she will be taxed on this. If she is getting benefits you could leave her worse off. I would also wait and see if she contacts you and is going to come looking for the money she thinks she is due.
I know we're wills were made to take into account that a person may have gone money in the past say help with a house deposit. Then some families know if X was to get a large sum of money they drink, gamble, take drug's ect.

You had to cope with 2 deaths recently and you have found about your inheritance. You married, a sahm to 3 children and your husband's income is the only one coming into the house. Meanwhile you have a big mortgage. Along with this as your kids get older your expenses will just get higher.

Your now in a position to pay off your mortgage and possibly have cash aside for major expenses ie children going to college.

You giving money to your step sister will not just effect you but your husband and family as well. With the way things are at the moment you need to bring down your mortgage and have savings aside in cas anything was to go wrong in the future.

You cant give away money without a discussion with your hisband who has shouldered the hard tines in your family. You unilaterally decided to stay home etc so you need to involve him and discuss. If you unilatetally give half away if i was him i would be mightily fed up.id give her a token thats all and I would go on your deceased familys wishes and enjoy together your new found financial security. She can seek solicitors advice if she wants . Your guilt is yout guilt. Why absorb it from the will.just move on

@Superhanz

Your DH sounds like a greedy twat. You can sing his praises but if your marriage would be over over this then he's not the wonderful person you describe.

I'd give my sister half. That's just me as I adore my sister and its just us two. But I know my DH would agree with me.

So the husband is a greedy twat for feeling that his wife should prioritise her own children’s security when he’s been working to provide her with a SAH life, even though that’s not what they agreed to pre dc?

But the sister who can’t have had a great relationship with her ‘Gran’ and still expects half of her house even though that’s not what Gran wanted, and that’s fine, not greedy at all?

That makes no sense.

It is really difficult to write 'fair' wills. Some of your children will succeed better materially speaking than the others. Some may have special needs - and you are never sure at any stage whether they will be able to work or, if they do, be able to keep that up until retirement age. One child may have needed specific financial help in a crisis, one child might have given up a year or two of their life caring for you after a car accident etc. And then there is whole boiling of estrangement, low contact, and withholding grandchildren - very, very common these days.

If I was worried about her wasting it I would Make sure she used it for a property too secure their future.
How would that actually work, though?

I'd split the money from your mum/dad equally with her.
Keep money from the gran - she's investing in her bloodline and presumably your half-sister isn't in her bloodline?

If I was your half-sister and you didn't split the mum/dad money my relationship with you would be over and your children will know why (it's happened in my family).

Presumably if your mum died after your dad your sister would have inherited half?
Pretty cruel of you not to share.

Your husband being a king amongst men will completely understand - you can pay most of your mortgage and maybe be grateful?

Anyone else wondering whether the OP is a creative writing student?

@HollowTalk

Anyone else wondering whether the OP is a creative writing student?

Yes, or writing an article, or doing research for something or other.

Or, if this is all true she is just an entitled and very spoiled person who has clearly got what she wants all her life from parents/husband and sister. A manipulator. Which would tie in with her not bothering to reply or thank or clarify anything on her 'first thread'

Karma is a great thing.

And it's made the DM!

Hi OP - I think you are making your sister repay a debt you owe to your husband. You haven’t been very fair to him, now there’s an opportunity to balance that out, but it involves doing the wrong thing by your sister. Exactly what the right thing to do by your sister is depends on some of the qs on this thread, like is your gran her gran, but I think you should be giving her something and I think you should be going back to work to deal with the issue with your husband. Maybe he feels stressed and overworked which is why he might explode if you want to give your sister some of the money? You have the power to diffuse that situation by doing your fair share financially at home. Good luck!