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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 07/03/2022 14:58

I’d be wondering what happened to his previous place, if it was mortgaged or rented? Why doesn’t he have savings etc I’d also be wondering if he didn’t declare all his income to the taxman hence why he was unable to get much financial help from Sunak when the finance became available for the self employed.

I suspect your wonderment will never be satisfied, as I'm struggling to see how OP could nonchalantly drop any of those questions into convo on a first date. .

crispinglovershighkick · 07/03/2022 14:58

Unless this has given you the irretrievable ick there's nothing wrong with meeting him, it'll probably reveal more than you can learn/guess from messaging. Maintain your boundaries, find out more.

I met someone for an OLD date expecting to find him attractive (clever, respectful, articulate messages, good pics), only to be treated to a long story about how his business partner had recently (less than a year before) run off with both the business and his girlfriend and his life was in tatters. It wasn't that he'd had to move home with his parents that put me off, it was the sad life story moments into a first date that put me off.

fridgepants · 07/03/2022 14:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

TatianaBis · 07/03/2022 15:02

@nokidshere

It wouldn't be a worry for me, I dislike the term mummy's boy, people want men to be kind, caring, and loving but not with their mother. If they have a good relationship it's got to be a better option than a house share.

I totally agree with this. It irritates the hell out of me that women can be close to their parents but men are seen as weak or helpless for the same.

My DS is only 23 and in his first job after uni. There's not a cat in hells chance that he can afford to move out yet but he's saving hard. I don't know he's here, he does all his own stuff and stuff for me too and certainly has no expectations of of being 'looked after'. Hopefully he will get his wish of living alone sooner rather than later but if it takes longer then so be it. And he will be welcome back at anytime during his life if things go pear shaped.

Any woman who sneers at my son doesn't deserve him anyway.

Too many men who live at home do so because their mum does all the domestic work and it suits them. It is absolutely wise to be wary of those blokes.

Equally some men put their mothers before their partners which can put pressure on relationships and even end them.

But these scenarios are not remotely the same as a young man in his first job after uni saving for a deposit.

OhItsSpicyy · 07/03/2022 15:05

It would put me off. I’m 25 and I’m put off by any guys my age still living at home personally. You don’t have to justify anything.

Butterfly44 · 07/03/2022 15:06

You need to find out the history first. There could looks be financial reasons you don't know about. Maybe he did have his own place and he gave to to an ex/kids moving back in with mum until he can afford to start on his own - therefore paying child maintenance or mortgage on old house etc. Or maybe his mum is I'll and needs care so he is staying there to take care of her.
So many explanations - don't jump to conclusions

Original poster

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 15:07

@Butchyrestingface

I suspect your wonderment will never be satisfied, as I'm struggling to see how OP could nonchalantly drop any of those questions into convo on a first date. .

🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:

nokidshere · 07/03/2022 15:08

Too many men who live at home do so because their mum does all the domestic work and it suits them. It is absolutely wise to be wary of those blokes. I realise that but that doesn't mean it has to be the default scenario. Op hasn't even met the guy yet and is (along with many others) calling him a 'mummy's boy'

Equally some men put their mothers before their partners which can put pressure on relationships and even end them. Again that goes without saying which is why it's wise to date and find out more about each other before jumping into a situation regardless of how much you love each other.

But these scenarios are not remotely the same as a young man in his first job after uni saving for a deposit. Of course not, I'm not stupid! The point I was making was that if he is still living here (or returned to live here) when he was in his 30s or later it still wouldn't mean he's a 'mummy's boy'.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 07/03/2022 15:09

@CheckandChallenge

I mentioned his car as it's a new car (17 reg) so he obviously has the funds to be buying that, but not for a first months deposit or rent. What type of car he has has little bearing on my life.

That's what I thought you meant by it. And, unless it was a lease arrangement he couldn't break, it would give me pause for thought about priorities.

Unless he has a separate place in his mum's this also reads like it's setting you both up for any socialising to be in your home.

Maybe some of this will be covered in data zero?

Sidge · 07/03/2022 15:12

Well not the point of the thread but a 17 plate car isn't a new car, it's 5 yeras old...

Anyway I wouldn't write him off yet. At least go on the date, first dates are all about just meeting someone anyway. You're overthinking really because you might not even fancy him.

He might not fancy you. He might pick his nose in front of you, or be a mouth breather, or have BO, or be horrid to bar staff, or any one of a million reasons that mean you don't want to see him again so his home life isn't even relevant!

If you meet him and like him then you can find out more about the situation. Someone who has moved home for the short term to avert a crisis is very different to someone who never left in the first place.

sala7 · 07/03/2022 15:13

OP- Be very careful here as it may well emerge that’s he’s never actually had his own place.

Has he ever talked about where he was before? I think I would need to know this.

Was he renting before?

Has he ever been married before? What’s his relationship history? This all sounds odd to me tbh.

Obviously you’re not a good-digger so take no notice of those posters on here. But at the same time I will say this - I have never met or heard of a 45 year-old man living with his mum! Have you heard of such a thing until now?

I have to be honest and tell you I would find this a turn off. I mean, it could be that he’s in the process of renovating his next home or something like that But it doesn’t sound like it?

TatianaBis · 07/03/2022 15:13

But these scenarios are not remotely the same as a young man in his first job after uni saving for a deposit. Of course not, I'm not stupid! The point I was making was that if he is still living here (or returned to live here) when he was in his 30s or later it still wouldn't mean he's a 'mummy's boy'.

Yeah it would. Because you'd still be running the house he was living in.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 07/03/2022 15:16

@Tootsey11

You sound like a gold digger Op.

Aaaaand the bitchy keyboard warriors are on the case already!!

At what point has the OP said anything that would even suggest this??

Get back under your rock and don't come back until you have learned how to play nicely.

nokidshere · 07/03/2022 15:17

@TatianaBis Yeah it would. Because you'd still be running the house he was living in.

He pays his way? Both in money and actions. Would it be different if he were a lodger in someone else's house?

UnconditionalSurrender · 07/03/2022 15:18

I know a few lovely men in their 40s and 50s who moved back in with an older parent.. To help with illness, or covid, or financial reasons or they had divorced and it was easier. Nothing much wrong with any of them. they could certainly work out the logistics of how to get a shag if they wanted one. I think moving back to parents rather than taking out a loan is quite sensible.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/03/2022 15:18

You are free to feel put off by absolutely anything, and you don't need the hive mind approval to feel the way you do.

Malibuismysecrethome · 07/03/2022 15:20

Haha! I know some mummy’s who live in mansions. He could be very comfortable at his mums. Why would he be in a studio on his own if she has plenty of room. It is normal in some cultures to have multi-generational living as well. You sound quite judgmental to be honest.

Appleandoranges · 07/03/2022 15:21

In lots of cultures, it's perfectly acceptable for grown up children to live with their parents. Sometimes people who live with their parents may have more suitable qualities than someone who has lived on their own for sometime. Used to compromising/caring for someone else/doing stuff for someone else/thinking of someone else and taking their opinions into account. Living in a couple often means you are dependent on each other. It's not really independent living either, so not sure why someone who's lived on their own for a long time would necessarily make a better partner than someone who lives with parents.

sala7 · 07/03/2022 15:21

Also, has he said where he’s taking you on this first date? This may speak volumes.

sala7 · 07/03/2022 15:23

“In lots of cultures, it's perfectly acceptable for grown up children to live with their parents.“

Yes, but in the sense that the 45 year-old “children” are facilitating or responsible for the elderly parents. Not the other way round!

Original poster

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 15:24

I am unsure how to drop the questions in about his living arrangements prior to lock down and his estimated timescales of moving without it feeling like an interrogation.

OP posts:

teateaandcoffee · 07/03/2022 15:24

Agree with PP @Aquamarine1029 just go with your gut!
You’re the one who has to date him and we all have different standards and turn ons and offs, I wouldn’t be asking anyones opinion if it was me.

TatianaBis · 07/03/2022 15:26

@CheckandChallenge

I am unsure how to drop the questions in about his living arrangements prior to lock down and his estimated timescales of moving without it feeling like an interrogation.

"It must be tough having to share with your mum again, where were you living before..."

(It's absolutely fine to interview dates, I always did.)

FairyPrincess123 · 07/03/2022 15:26

I think the point is that we can't say because we haven't met him. But then neither have you...

You can always walk away.

sala7 · 07/03/2022 15:29

“I am unsure how to drop the questions in about his living arrangements prior to lock down and his estimated timescales of moving without it feeling like an interrogation.”

Hmmm yes well, that’s understandable. But wouldn’t most men be super-keen to explain what’s going on - eg “I’ve just been with my mum since Xmas, but I have a house / flat lined up in two weeks time....”

The fact he’s said nothing may mean he’s been there years and has no plans to change that? In which case.., run.

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