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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:
JustLyra · 07/03/2022 14:20

Well considering people who didn't even live in the UK were able to apply for fake businesses got the loans and defrauded the country by £5 BILLION, I'd be wondering how crappy his business was not to get the full loan.

Wtf? So because some people defrauded the set up anyone who didn’t come out of it swimming in money had a crap business?

Your logic is fucking bizarre

couldthisgetworse · 07/03/2022 14:22

Yes it would put me off. I'd still go on the date - because you never know. But YANBU to feel a bit put off by that.

Motherofgorgons · 07/03/2022 14:22

@Comedycook

If he'd always lived at home I'd be a bit Hmm

If it's a temporary measure I could look past it

Agree. Give him a chance.
BlondeWidow · 07/03/2022 14:24

The way the housing market is right now (especially renting becoming more & more unreachable for single people) I am not at all surprised. In fact I'd be more surprised to see a single male under retirement age living alone unless in either an exceptionally high paid job or in some kind of social housing! Then again, rents/house prices & cost of living is exceptionally high where I live (North Yorks). Perhaps it's more feasible in places like Leeds, Wakefield, Bradford, Wigan etc

EducatingArti · 07/03/2022 14:24

As someone else who is self employed, I can tell you this just isn't true

EBearhug · 07/03/2022 14:27

There are 2 types of men who live with their mothers:

1. Those who revert to children and their mothers do everything for them including washing all their clothes, cooking all their meals etc.

2. Those who are literally living there as a means to an end and will help out with household chores etc and has their own life and mainly only use the home as a place to sleep.

I've been seeing a guy who moved his mother in last year when she broke her ankle. She's in her 80s, and I suspect won't be moving out again. I haven't interrogated him on household chores and so on, but I have the impression he was looking after her rather than vice versa.

ehb102 · 07/03/2022 14:27

Maybe he's living with his mother because she needs some care.

BlondeWidow · 07/03/2022 14:27

@SalsaLove

I’m curious why he’s doing OLD at this point in his life when he’s so unsettled and supposedly working all hours to get his business back in order. For me that’s a red flag.
Why on EARTH is that a red flag!? Anybody can join OLD for any reason whatsoever! I occasionally go on there just to chat, out of loneliness - and yes, I am very clear & open about my intentions with those I speak to.

Please don't be so judgmental

ivykaty44 · 07/03/2022 14:28

So a person who had their business hit during lockdown takes sensible measures to limit outgoings to save their business

or

the person lets their business go under and becomes homeless with debt

which one would you want to date?

EBearhug · 07/03/2022 14:28

So in that scenario, it's okay, but if he's expecting to have a woman running round after him, then he can fuck off.

chesirecat99 · 07/03/2022 14:29

Well considering people who didn't even live in the UK were able to apply for fake businesses got the loans and defrauded the country by £5 BILLION, I'd be wondering how crappy his business was not to get the full loan.

Yes, if he was DISHONEST, there were ways to defraud the system...

Lots of people fell between the cracks and weren't eligible for self employed grants or business loans. Maybe he wasn't self employed for long enough to be eligible, it was based on previous years' tax returns. Maybe he got the self employment grant but needed the money to pay his business costs (eg a business rental contract he couldn't get out of or loans for equipment). Maybe he had changed from self employed to a limited company in the previous year because he was doing well so wasn't eligible for either scheme. Maybe he used the loan to support his business rather than lining his own pockets and is now paying it back so money is still tight. Maybe he didn't have a business account with the banks that were offering the loans. Many small businesses use the free online only banks that weren't part of the scheme and the big high street banks weren't accepting new customers.

DespairingHomeowner · 07/03/2022 14:30

I also agree with this

In some ways, it shows you positives: he hasn’t got such strained relationships with his family that they won’t take him in!

You will be able to work out how independent he is quite easily in time

In this case it’s financial, but now that people live to be so much older, more and more adult children will have to take on some caring responsibilities and potentially move back in to the parental home to do so.

Butchyrestingface · 07/03/2022 14:30

Why is it seen as acceptable to sneer at mother/son relationships once the son is an adult? Serious question. MN is horrible for this.

I'm female, slightly younger than OP's potential date. My mum's dead. Had she still been alive when Covid hit, she would have been moving in with me or me with her. Nothing to do with the state of my business, but I would have wanted us to be together during that time.

Obviously a hypothetical in my case, but I would genuinely like to know if potential dates found that off-putting or thought it made it made a "mummy's girl" who didn't have my priorities sorted ... so I could give them the widest of berths. Grin

Proudboomer · 07/03/2022 14:30

You are being very judgemental of someone you haven’t even met yet. What if people were being judgemental of you being a single parent?
Either met him with an open mind or don’t but it could be your loss if he is as respectful as you have said he is.

rhowton · 07/03/2022 14:30

I wouldn't want to be with a man who still lives at home, nor one that couldn't drive... but that's for another thread.

DespairingHomeowner · 07/03/2022 14:30

What I agree with is: give him a chance

vampirewellness · 07/03/2022 14:33

@Comedycook

If he'd always lived at home I'd be a bit Hmm

If it's a temporary measure I could look past it

Same. What was his living situation before?

I wouldn't go near a man who had never moved out of his mums.

It's nothing to do with being a gold digger.

MadForBurpees · 07/03/2022 14:33

@CheckandChallenge

LOL wow it took all of 3 seconds to derail this thread. I am most definitely NOT a gold digger, I work in a very respectable and well paying job. I don't need anyone else's money!
Damn right you don't! And you don't want any one trying to take yours either!
Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 14:35

Yes @SalsaLove I don't agree with you at all

OP posts:
Iheartmysmart · 07/03/2022 14:36

One of my friends who is mid fifties moved back in with her mum during lockdown so she could save on outgoings and afford to pay her staff. Personally I think that took a lot of courage to give up her home so others could keep theirs.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 07/03/2022 14:37

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

Loans, you know they have to be paid back? A 50K loan would be around £900 a month.

It wouldn't be a worry for me, I dislike the term mummy's boy, people want men to be kind, caring, and loving but not with their mother. If they have a good relationship it's got to be a better option than a house share. (Although agree with pp don't let anyone move in with you)

Echobelly · 07/03/2022 14:38

As there's a sound economic abs circumstantial reason for it, and he has mostly lived independently, I wouldn't see it as an issue.

AgathaX · 07/03/2022 14:38

In your shoes I don't think I'd bother going on the date. You're judging him without knowing him. Look for someone else who measures up to your wants better. It sounds like this guy's got enough on his plate without you too.

Derbee · 07/03/2022 14:38

@CheckandChallenge

Please don't make this thread about being self employed and lock down - this thread isn't about that.
This thread is about judging someone unfairly for being negatively affected by being self employed during a pandemic. Is that any better?

It doesn’t seem to be about applauding someone for working hard to get back on their feet.

The nice car seems to make it a bit more palatable for you? It’s not a very nice sounding thread. I wonder if he’d still want to meet, knowing how judgmental his potential date is?

ThreeRingCircus · 07/03/2022 14:39

It all sounds perfectly fine to me OP. He's been upfront with you about it and explained the reasons why, which make sense. There's no reason not to believe him at this stage so I'd go on the date and then see how you feel.

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