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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 07/03/2022 13:52

@CheckandChallenge

Please don't make this thread about being self employed and lock down - this thread isn't about that.

The reason I ask is that as a self-employed person, I know how difficult the pandemic has been on some people's businesses and, although I was not adversely affected myself, I would never judge those who were or found themselves living temporarily with their parents as a result of forces beyond their control (ie, a two year, unprecedented pandemic).

You say he has a great car and is apparently working hard to rebuild his business. I think the last thing he probably needs right now is a potential girlfriend who's suspicious of him being "too comfortable with mummy" and not having his priorities sorted. So based on that, I'd say do him and yourself a favour and find someone more compatible.

OhMygodddd · 07/03/2022 13:53

Did he really not live with her before? When did he move back in? Does he have plans to move back out soon.

If the relationship progresses where are you going for sex? Because I wouldn’t be having him back at my house so unless you enjoy car sex you will be stumping up a lot of money for a hotel.

It’s just not that practical really is it.

Arabellla · 07/03/2022 13:57

[quote Tootsey11]@Arabella, you haven't a clue.

Not every self employed was entitled to a loan.
It was UP To 50k depending on the business.

He may well have put all of the money back into the business to get it up and running again, so is being sensible.

Don't slate someone before you even know them.[/quote]
Well considering people who didn't even live in the UK were able to apply for fake businesses got the loans and defrauded the country by £5 BILLION, I'd be wondering how crappy his business was not to get the full loan.

Who am I slating? This is an anonymous forum.

gannett · 07/03/2022 13:57

Someone's living situation is not a reflection of their character. Especially not if it's the result of hard times happening to them. Shit has happened to a lot of people in the past few years and you'd do well not to judge.

If you actually bother to find out more about his character, rather than relying on something superficial, then you can decide whether it's wanting or not.

gannett · 07/03/2022 13:58

(But of course you don't have to get to know him, or anyone, better. It just sounds like you like him so far and are interested in dating generally.)

anotherday11 · 07/03/2022 13:58

What area does he live in? If it’s London/South East where rent is insane I could understand. But if it’s somewhere up North, I’d be suspicious of what he’s spending his money on that he can’t afford cheap rent somewhere.

Has he mentioned about any plans to move out?

There are 2 types of men who live with their mothers:

Those who revert to children and their mothers do everything for them including washing all their clothes, cooking all their meals etc.

Those who are literally living there as a means to an end and will help out with household chores etc and has their own life and mainly only use the home as a place to sleep.

Which one is?

Original poster

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:59

I agree, you're very much right - some men don't want to date single parents and completely respect that.
I guess I just don't want to waste my time if it doesn't feel right.

OP posts:

TheDuchessOfMN · 07/03/2022 14:01

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, OP.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to date a home owner, especially when you are one yourself.

He might be the nicest guy on the planet, I would feel sympathy for his situation, but imo it’s always better to be in a similar financial situation to your partner/future partner.

chesirecat99 · 07/03/2022 14:03

A man who had financial difficulties due to a pandemic and moved back home is not someone who hasn't got their priorities sorted in life and is too comfortable being with mummy.

It also makes financial sense not to move out the second he was in a position to get somewhere but to wait until he is in a good position financially, the economy is still precarious. If he had been in a relationship and needed privacy, that might warrant a different decision.

Also, plenty of people moved in with their parents during lockdown so they could be together, that may have influenced his decision to move home rather than downsize to somewhere cheaper.

It's not like he is a 40 something who never left home.

I think you need to wait and see if he is a man who is making sensible financial decisions and this is a temporary situation or a man whose mum is washing his smalls and cutting his toenails.

TomorrowsPrincess · 07/03/2022 14:04

I met my DP when he was 30 and still living at home with his mum. I was a single working mum of 4 and not needing anyones money either.
He just hadn't met the right woman to move in with and it wasn't financially viable for him to move out into his own property.
I met him via online dating btw.
It didn't deter me. We now live together (in a new house to the one I was living in when we met) and he earns more than me now.
I can see why it could put you off..... I would find out his long term plans for his living arrangements.... have the date, enjoy yourself.... you never know.
I've been with my DP nearly 9 years now. I took on a man that was living at home with mum, and he took on a single mum of 4..... we all have little things that anyone can see as a 'red flag'..... you gotta look past that sometimes x

thewhatsit · 07/03/2022 14:06

It’s obviously a temporary situation brought about by Covid - so it wouldn’t bother me.

Mybumlooksbig · 07/03/2022 14:06

One of the nicest men I dated lived with his mum at the age of 40..give him a chance x

Itsthejourney · 07/03/2022 14:09

I had a really difficult time and had to move back in with my parents and my children mid thirties due to a relationship breakdown. I would be horrified if people judged me for it.
Life isn't a straight line and people live differently because of their experiences.
I think give it a go. You don't yet know what his future plans are. He's a lucky man for having a loving family that let him move in during a difficult period, chances are he will then be kind and compassionate too!

SaggyBlinders · 07/03/2022 14:11

How long has he been back home for?

Where was he living before?

I wouldn't touch a man in his 40s living at home without a clear plan of moving out with a barge pole. My brother still lives at home in his mid 40s, he also drives a nice car, but "can't afford" doesn't want to move out.

LondonWolf · 07/03/2022 14:11

I'm not overthinking it, I just don't think I want to date someone who hasn't got their priorities sorted in life and is too comfortable being with mummy!

Why is it seen as acceptable to sneer at mother/son relationships once the son is an adult? Serious question. MN is horrible for this.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 07/03/2022 14:12

People lost their homes during lockdown and the pandemic. This guy had to choose to sacrifice his home to keep his livelihood and was fortunate enough to have family who would help. You sound incredibly narrow minded, if he’d moved in with say his brother would that have been more acceptable to you? Do him a favour, don’t date him.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/03/2022 14:14

Will his working long hours trying to rebuild his business be a problem too?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/03/2022 14:14

I might have thought that but I’ve got a lovely work colleague who lives with his parents - don’t fancy him myself but nothing wrong with him! Just convenience that he lives there I think - and in lockdown probably much better than living alone

kateg27 · 07/03/2022 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Bigoldhag · 07/03/2022 14:15

As someone who lived with my parents until 30, I wouldn’t say no. Like others, I would want to know what the short term and long term goal was.

I’m sure a date or two will give you a good idea!

FlibbertyGibbitt · 07/03/2022 14:17

Buuutttt…. You’ve not met him yet! You might not like him. Might not be his car, might not be his photos even ! Wait and see until you see him in the flesh !

Dagnabit · 07/03/2022 14:17

My now husband lived with his mum when we met. He had separated from his first wife and was living there while he sorted out his finances, awaiting the money from their house etc. Ended up living there for 4 years while saving more then us searching for a house together (which he paid a massive deposit for because I was poor!) Didn’t put me off, obviously but I suppose it would depend on the circumstances.

lifeuphigh · 07/03/2022 14:18

One of my friends lived with his Mum until he was in his late 30s/early 40s. He met someone online then and she luckily did take a chance on him because they went on to get married and have children.

I must admit that we were all a bit surprised that someone wouldn't find this a deal breaker but thank goodness she didn't. As for why he had never moved out I think a lot of it was to do with a) not previously being in a serious relationship and b) not wanting to leave his Mum alone as she'd had quite a difficult life.

Anyway. I say give him a chance.

FluffyBooBoo · 07/03/2022 14:18

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

Hahahaha. Yeah, the businesses that could get £50k had overheads that were way higher. Just because there's no income, doesn't mean there's no expenditure!

I didn't get anything close to that figure.

Op, in the circumstances described I would be okay with that. In fact it sounds like the sensible option, rather than continuing to pay out for stuff with no income to cover it. Would you rather he was in a ton of debt?

blodbav · 07/03/2022 14:19

@LondonWolf

I'm not overthinking it, I just don't think I want to date someone who hasn't got their priorities sorted in life and is too comfortable being with mummy!

Why is it seen as acceptable to sneer at mother/son relationships once the son is an adult? Serious question. MN is horrible for this.

Right, they guy hasn't actually done anything besides live there! He's done nothing wrong, not sure how you can give him a hard time for needing support from his parent to get by

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