AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

[CheckandChallenge]

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

You haven’t even met the guy yet! Save your judgement. You’ve had a chat, he seems nice, he’s explained his situation - I’d give him a chance. If his mum has loads of space and he gets on with her it may well make more sense to have moved in with her while he gets his business back on his feet. He's a lucky man for having a loving family that let him move in during a difficult period, chances are he will then be kind and compassionate too! This would be my feeling. If not owning his own property is a deal breaker for you then you should perhaps specify that on your own profile (I have no idea if this is even possible).

17 reg car is 5 years old, so he could have bought it 5 years ago when he was in a better position. It doesn't necessarily mean he has loads of money to waste now

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

He may have felt, like we did, that taking the government's money was not the way forward!

We paid our staff and tightened our belts!

@CheckandChallenge
I think the only way is get him to fill in a questionnaire before you go on the date,it will save you going at all if you feel he's not a good fit.You are really only asking questions that a lot of people think before going on a first date,for all the world this be the man for you.Maybe he owns the hiuse his mother lives in?

You’re seriously over thinking this. You’ve not even met him yet. Go on a date and see how it goes. You might not even like him.

And he is self employed, his business has been hit hard by the pandemic, and he is doing what he needs to to get back on his feet? Give the poor guy a break.

I think you should meet him and see what he's like.

Lots of people, especially the self-employed, have had a really hard time the past 2 years and it doesn't necessarily mean anything that he's had to move back in with his mum.

Tbh I don't really get why people hate the thought of someone living with family so much. Just because you live in the same house as your parents doesn't mean you've reverted to childhood ways and get everything done for you. Some people do, of course, but others just live like housemates.

Arabellla it would seem it was easy if you were fraudsters, not so easy if you were a bona fida business. The people I know who were helped were not the ones who had been in business a long time.

You have a somewhat odd mindset about this, A preconceived idea about someone, who has told you already, why he has moved back to his parents home for the time being..

You're over-thinking this, OP, you haven't even met the man!

If he seems nice, why don't you go on a date and see what happens? If you like each other, you might meet up again and I'm sure you'll talk about his business and other life plans. It's quite possible that he's simply saving money after being knocked by the pandemic and has every intention of moving out as soon as he can. Or it may be that his Mum struggled during the pandemic, so he moved in with her for support. That would make him a nice person, wouldn't it?!

Really? You’ve never met him. I think you are going to find it difficult to meet someone if you jump to conclusions so quickly.

Yes it would put me off - would not date.
Part of being a grown up is being fully independent through life’s ups and downs. Businesses struggle I get that.. but that’s forced him to be dependant again because either the business wasn’t very robust or he made no provision for a rainy day.

Very open that it happens, deepest empathy etc.
But it’s just not something I’d want to be anywhere near from a relationship point of view - why would I?

There are plenty of fish in the sea, personally I’d just keep fishing.

Yes I’m cold hearted. Or I’m pragmatic. Or I’m honest. Or I just have boundaries / preferences which I adhere to.
Take your pick

@CheckandChallenge

Please don't make this thread about being self employed and lock down - this thread isn't about that.

It is EXACTLY about that! Had lockdown never happened he wouldn't have been living with his mother would he? He MOVED BACK when his business struggled, where the fuck did you get he's a mummy's boy from? Jeez, don't go on the date, give the guy a chance to meet someone who isn't so bloody judgmental!

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

That is total rubbish- very Daily Mail Most small businesses without premises got very little relief and nothing if he earned over £50k (above furlough level)

You could apply for a LOAN, which has to be paid back, most businesses are killing themselves to get this loan paid back

I would admire someone who moved back in with family to get his business back on track personally

@SalsaLove

I’m curious why he’s doing OLD at this point in his life when he’s so unsettled and supposedly working all hours to get his business back in order. For me that’s a red flag.

This. I don't think he should be dating till he's sorted his life out or has a concrete plan for how it's going to happen. No harm meeting, if just to assess what he plans to do to move out and how long he's given himself. It is unfair to bring a partner into a life where they can't actually see what living with the person would be like, and if he's with mum you won't get a feel for what he's like to live with.

If he's gotten comfortable at home and in no rush to move out, then don't go on a second date. In his mid 40s, hopefully he realises women are not going to be too accepting of someone living at home unless he's a carer or it's temporary - so will provide some answers as to how long exactly this will last.

@sala7

Also, has he said where he’s taking you on this first date? This may speak volumes.

It says volumes if someone is TAKING YOU on a date It says welcome to 1955

Awful thread. You sound like your superior or something just because you have a home.

How about the fact he might not like the fact your a single parent. Have you thought about that.

Some ppl are never happy and you are looking for faults before you have begun. Sad.

I dated someone who lived with their parents. Lazy lazy lazy on every level. Also meant any time we wanted to have an evening in it ended up being at my place - my tidy house / food / drinks/ entertainment. After a while it became hugely tiresome. I would never date someone who couldn’t reciprocate having an evening in with complete privacy.

17 ref plate is not a new car

Reg

Personally it wouldn't bother me as it sounds temporary. But if it bothers you then it bothers you, you're entitled to not date someone for whatever reason.

@Arabellla

And the reason he may have that nice car is he has always lived at home, and plans to drop that bombshell when he has reeled you in and moved into yours.

This would be what my bad mind would go to.

Guys who drive expensive cars because they live for free or very little at home are child men and to be avoided.

In his 40's with an expensive car but had to move home?
Where exactly was he living before?
With whom?
House share?

Flash car still a priority above his own home in his 40's?

Nope.

OP, you are wise to beware.

@SingaporeSling01

I dated someone who lived with their parents. Lazy lazy lazy on every level. Also meant any time we wanted to have an evening in it ended up being at my place - my tidy house / food / drinks/ entertainment. After a while it became hugely tiresome. I would never date someone who couldn’t reciprocate having an evening in with complete privacy.

Also this. It can be exhausting always being the one hosting and it always being your place for intimacy etc. Also, to be wary of what his relationship with his mother is like. Some men are weirdly enmeshed and married to mummy, and you can end up feeling like the other woman. Stuff to be wary of - only because by living at home, his mother will be a bigger part of your life than if he wasn't. I would personally ask these questions on a first date - in your 40s, flatmate is someone I would want to know more about. Even if the flatmate is mum.

Meet him and then assess the situation. Plenty of self employed people had to make drastic changes to their lives in lockdown.

Unless you live somewhere expensive (and even then) I'd expect a man in his mid 40s to own a house - albeit with a mortgage. Was a lot cheaper to buy a house when he was young than it is now.

I'm not materialistic but I would want financial security.

Has he been married before? Kids?

Some people really haven't got a fucking clue about being self employed have they?