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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:
Aniita · 07/03/2022 13:36

I'd still go on the date, but be wanting to know how long he has lived with his mum and what his plan for getting out is (wouldn't necessarily be that direct, but that's what I would need to know by the end of the date).

You don't want to his "get out of mum's" card (ie move in with you instead) and you don't want to be always paying for everything because he is skint. Has his business started to recover? Or if not, has he now got a job?

Poptart4 · 07/03/2022 13:36

I think your over thinking this, you haven't even been on a date yet.

I think it's worth giving him a chance. Go on a few dates, get to know him and see how it goes.

Just don't move him in with you anytime soon.

Butchyrestingface · 07/03/2022 13:40

He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.

I take it you're not self-employed yourself, OP?

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:41

His business is recovering, he said he's had to work really hard to make up for it and often works very long days.
He drives a really nice car!
I'm not overthinking it, I just don't think I want to date someone who hasn't got their priorities sorted in life and is too comfortable being with mummy! but wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable as he's been really nice and respectful so far.

OP posts:
Tootsey11 · 07/03/2022 13:42

You sound like a gold digger Op.

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:42

Please don't make this thread about being self employed and lock down - this thread isn't about that.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 07/03/2022 13:43

If he'd always lived at home I'd be a bit Hmm

If it's a temporary measure I could look past it

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:43

LOL wow it took all of 3 seconds to derail this thread. I am most definitely NOT a gold digger, I work in a very respectable and well paying job. I don't need anyone else's money!

OP posts:
Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:43

@Comedycook

If he'd always lived at home I'd be a bit Hmm

If it's a temporary measure I could look past it

This is the type of answer I am looking for. Thank you for not derailing.
OP posts:
Arabellla · 07/03/2022 13:44

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

AHungryCaterpillar · 07/03/2022 13:44

Surprised by these comments, yes it would put me off, I’ve lived alone since 16 so I wouldn’t really want to date someone who still lived at home with their mum.

Arabellla · 07/03/2022 13:45

And the reason he may have that nice car is he has always lived at home, and plans to drop that bombshell when he has reeled you in and moved into yours.

DarkCorner · 07/03/2022 13:45

If he has mostly lived away from his mum’s and seems to have a good reason, I’d meet and see how things pan out. Ask a few questions.

I met a guy who was 40 and living with parents as he had just got back from living abroad. Seemed reasonable. Only he omitted to mention that he had lived with his parents prior to spending a year abroad! He had basically never lived by himself or even with friends so he just expected me to be mummy and pay for everything and do all the cooking. Ugh.

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:46

He definitely won't be knowing where I live! or getting his own key!
My house is my house and not welcome to a man to live in.

OP posts:
blodbav · 07/03/2022 13:46

So he's had a hard time and moved back in with his mum? It's your choice but it's a bit like the whole single mum thing. It could be anyone in a bad situation, you shouldn't judge without knowing.

Living with mum does not equal mummy's boy. A mummy's boy will be one regardless of where he sleeps at night.

JustLyra · 07/03/2022 13:46

I think it totally depends on the set up.

Someone who lives at home with his Mum doing his washing, making his meals etc would be off putting.

Someone who has an adult housemates style set up that happens to live with a parent - totally different.

Tootsey11 · 07/03/2022 13:47

So why mention his car then. Does it really matter what sort of car anyone drives. His business was hit hard during covid and he's had to move back home. And now he's working hard to correct that. Why on earth would that be a problem.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 07/03/2022 13:48

@CheckandChallenge

Please don't make this thread about being self employed and lock down - this thread isn't about that.
It actually is what it's about....sorry OP but it is.

If he was 40, self employed, driving a very nice car and has never moved out of his family home then I wouldn't be interested. It shows he has money but prioritises other things than living independently.

40, self employed nice car lived out of home...pandemic hit, business took a hit, couldn't afford rent etc moved back home as an interim measure then yes I would be interested as he has fallen on hard times like a lot of people and he is working his hardest to get out of that position.

Id say give him a chance.

JustLyra · 07/03/2022 13:49

Living with mum does not equal mummy's boy. A mummy's boy will be one regardless of where he sleeps at night.

This.

There’s a guy I know who lives in a very nice flat by himself. Outwardly would seem independent.

His mum goes round two days a week to sort his washing, do the cleaning and to stock his freezer with the meals she batch cooks for him.

He’s the biggest mummy’s boy I’ve ever met, yet lives 20 miles from her.

They go on holiday together twice a year and so many people assume he’s being a lovely son and treating her (he has his own business and is pretty well off) but it’s her that takes him.

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:49

I mentioned his car as it's a new car (17 reg) so he obviously has the funds to be buying that, but not for a first months deposit or rent. What type of car he has has little bearing on my life.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 07/03/2022 13:50

@CheckandChallenge

I mentioned his car as it's a new car (17 reg) so he obviously has the funds to be buying that, but not for a first months deposit or rent. What type of car he has has little bearing on my life.
It can be considerably cheaper to lease a new car than pay a deposit for a place to live though.

And depending on his business a reliable car that looks decent could be a necessity.

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:50

I think I want to give him a chance as he's been respectful and nice, but as mentioned, I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable by having these thoughts about living with his mum.

OP posts:
SalsaLove · 07/03/2022 13:51

I’m curious why he’s doing OLD at this point in his life when he’s so unsettled and supposedly working all hours to get his business back in order. For me that’s a red flag.

LJAKS · 07/03/2022 13:52

If it's not for you it's not for you, you don't have to justify it. Same as many men won't wish to date you as you are a single parent. We all have things that others get to decide if that's something they want to work with or don't. If it's enough to put you off him that's all you need to know, find someone who ticks your boxes. You don't have to compromise at this stage if you don't want to.

Tootsey11 · 07/03/2022 13:52

@Arabella, you haven't a clue.

Not every self employed was entitled to a loan.
It was UP To 50k depending on the business.

He may well have put all of the money back into the business to get it up and running again, so is being sensible.

Don't slate someone before you even know them.