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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 07/03/2022 14:40

I don't think it makes you a gold digger OP, I totally get your reservations. I met quite a few men in their 40s OLD who lived at home and I found it really offputting. It meant if things progressed you wouldn't be able to go to their house they would have to come to you, and if you have kids that's not viable early on. I know some men also have kids living with them but the ones I came across didn't, it was a cosy set up with their parents that didn't look to be changing any time soon. Who wants to be intimate with his mum next door? Confused

I have a male friend in his mid 50s who still lives at home and he wonders why women are put off getting into a relationship with him, but he makes it clear he wants to move into theirs to get away from home, a cocklodger I'm afraid.

Sparticuscaticus · 07/03/2022 14:40

One of my closest male friends moved back in with his mum after his dad died and before locjdown, he's lost his job and gone self employed and had to rent out his house. He also is divorced with children . He's very much not a mummy's boy, he goes round fixing everything and can cook better than his mum and is as good a cook as me!
He washes up and cooks with me when he pops round and I say "fancy cooking some tea together?! " Grin

He now lives with his girlfriend as his business is doing better, but I completely understood his reason to go home to his mums.

So it's circumstance and dependent in whether this new man is usually the independent type - covid has sent many businesses under. It will take time to recover.

I would try not to make generalised assumptions and just get to know him if he seems your type and looks fairly independent man. You can tell a lot by how someone behaves when they eventually come for dinner !!! If they sit down and watch you - feet under the table as it were and no bringing anything towards dinner- and don't clear up and help out, then regardless of whether they have their own place or not, I would suspect they are a bit of a misogynist.

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 14:41

The nice car is irrelevant, it was mentioned in the context that he has the money to spend on a nice car.
Again I will reiterate for those who missed it, I have a respectable job and earn good money and I have my own property - I really don't need a man for any financial gain.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 07/03/2022 14:43

What would your thoughts be if he told his mum was ill/disabled/been through some trauma, and he had moved in to support her?
Would that make a difference?

gingerhills · 07/03/2022 14:44

Meet him and find out. There is zero value in deciding who he is before you meet him.

cookiemonster2468 · 07/03/2022 14:45

Sorry but yes it would bother me a bit to be honest.

By mid 40's, if starting his own business he should really have had the foresight to ensure he had enough savings behind him to not have to move back in with his mum if things went wrong.

I could understand a house share/ low cost living situation, but if he's with his mum it seems a bit desperate as he can't afford to pay any rent at all.

I'd be concerned to be honest about his financial planning abilities and wondering if he had the right priorities.

RedWingBoots · 07/03/2022 14:45

I was about to add it is apparently difficult to get good second hand cars at the moment as the waiting list for new cars has increased due to Covid, so the value for second hand cars that aren't bangers has gone up.

Crayzeefrog · 07/03/2022 14:46

I would say not a dealbreaker. The pandemic hit many people hard in ways they could never have expected and it’s sensible that he moves in with his mum rather than spiralling into debt. Shows he (hopefully) has a nice relationship with his mum too.

I would go on a date with him and get a feel for how things really are. Ask what you want to know. If he seems like an incompetent mummy’s boy then say thanks but no thanks to a second date.

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 14:48

@Georgeskitchen

What would your thoughts be if he told his mum was ill/disabled/been through some trauma, and he had moved in to support her? Would that make a difference?
But this is irrelevant as it's not the situation as it is now.
OP posts:
TwoCoffeesPlease · 07/03/2022 14:49

I think for me I would want to know a bit more about the circumstances before dismissing him altogether but like you I would be wary.

It comes down to what his circumstances were before Covid I think. I would be less put off if, for example, he owned a place but had had to rent it out as a temporary measure and that’s why he was living with his mum.

If he has nothing at all to his name except the lease car I think the power balance in your relationship is off from the start and you would end up carrying him financially

angelsandinsects · 07/03/2022 14:49

Circumstances are everything.
Very independent 40 something BIL and widowed MIL each live by themselves about an hour away from each other. They both now say that, if they'd had any idea how long lockdown would have lasted for and, for BIL, wfh then BIL would have moved in with MIL as it was so tough living by yourself during lockdown.
I'm not sure you can really judge anyone for their actions during lockdown.

Butchyrestingface · 07/03/2022 14:49

By mid 40's, if starting his own business he should really have had the foresight to ensure he had enough savings behind him to not have to move back in with his mum if things went wrong.

The foresight to ensure enough savings for an unprecedented two year pandemic???

There are clearly a lot of people who have no concept of what running one's own business involves.

gogohm · 07/03/2022 14:49

If it was due to lockdown it wouldn't bother me, makes complete sense to reduce costs whilst he gets back on his feet. It all depends if he's a nice person.

I could have easily gone back to my parents to save money after my marriage imploded, it's just practical (actually I met dp and I moved in with him)

TatianaBis · 07/03/2022 14:50

It all depends whether it's true or not - if he really did move back home because of the pandemic or if it's an excuse because it suits him and he's been there longer.

But you will find out soon enough.

Hollywolly1 · 07/03/2022 14:51

I have to say you are judgy of a nice respectful man that lives with his mum and has his own business ,I think we need to call in a mirror here.He could very well have reservations about you being a single mom(obviously your relationship didn't work out if you even had one).But chances are he's not that judge,I think from reading your post you are not suitable for dating,let him go

puffyisgood · 07/03/2022 14:52

Living with mother at 45 ish represents a red flag of sorts, obviously, but I don't see why it would stop OP just dipping her toe in the water/finding out more.

HollowTalk · 07/03/2022 14:52

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

And those loans are being called in now, even if the business isn't doing well.
incognitoforthisone · 07/03/2022 14:53

Oh, I'd say it is absolutely not a given that he must be a mummy's boy - it's totally possible that it just makes financial sense for him at the moment.

FWIW, I have a close male friend and also a relative who live with their respective mothers for different reasons, and I definitely wouldn't describe either of them as mummy's boys - they had very good practical reasons for their living arrangements, in both cases, and are very independent, self-sufficient people in all other ways.

Of course, it's absolutely possible that he's a mummy's boy - it's just equally possible that he's not. You can't really know unless you get to know him.

But if you're finding the entire notion of his living arrangements is just putting you off even from wanting to find out more, then that's perfectly OK too! There's really no right or wrong reason for not dating someone; if you find something off-putting (even if it's something much more trivial than this!) you really can't help that and you shouldn't feel obliged to give things a go.

HollowTalk · 07/03/2022 14:53

If any of my adult children were struggling financially during lockdown I would have suggested they move in so they could get back on their feet - I would hate anyone to call them a loser as a result.

Quitelikeit · 07/03/2022 14:54

I’d be wondering what happened to his previous place, if it was mortgaged or rented? Why doesn’t he have savings etc I’d also be wondering if he didn’t declare all his income to the taxman hence why he was unable to get much financial help from Sunak when the finance became available for the self employed.

I’d want someone financially capable. Probably a no from me!!!!

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/03/2022 14:54

Go on a date and ask questions

How long lived with mum

How long plans to

Where did he live before

Being se during covid was hard. Many people couldn’t work at home but clients didn’t want them in their home

The Seiss grant was pathetic, 80% of net profits not 80% of gross income like employed got

Dodie66 · 07/03/2022 14:55

Gosh I would think he was just doing it to get back on his feet and you are overthinking this. Maybe don’t go on a date if you think so little of him trying to get back on his feet. It’s great he has family to help out

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 14:55

I haven't called anyone a loser fwiw.
I don't think he's a loser, I just feel like I'm put off by the financial imbalance, however he's been really nice so I'm unsure if I was being too quick to judge his circumstances without properly seeing different perspectives.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 07/03/2022 14:56

It wouldn't be a worry for me, I dislike the term mummy's boy, people want men to be kind, caring, and loving but not with their mother. If they have a good relationship it's got to be a better option than a house share.

I totally agree with this. It irritates the hell out of me that women can be close to their parents but men are seen as weak or helpless for the same.

My DS is only 23 and in his first job after uni. There's not a cat in hells chance that he can afford to move out yet but he's saving hard. I don't know he's here, he does all his own stuff and stuff for me too and certainly has no expectations of of being 'looked after'. Hopefully he will get his wish of living alone sooner rather than later but if it takes longer then so be it. And he will be welcome back at anytime during his life if things go pear shaped.

Any woman who sneers at my son doesn't deserve him anyway.

Illbeokay · 07/03/2022 14:57

I agree it totally depends.

Dp was living at home but had a variety of live at work style jobs, moved around country for work and had come back to the area

Someone that had never lived independently would be a red flag, but dependent on the reason eg. If they were a carer, living as flatmates etc

I do think the reasoning currently seems fair