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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 08/03/2022 07:24

I think you’re both giving each other a chance. Neither of you are living alone in perfect houses just waiting for someone to come along and slot into their perfect lives. You’ve both had life experiences - yours are child related and his are business related.

HRTQueen · 08/03/2022 08:39

‘A man who gets on well with and is kind to his Mum will usually be kind to his girlfriend/wife too.’

This isn’t true too many men have a Madonna/whore opinion on how they view women. Lots of abusive men have close relationships with their mothers

Thirkettle · 08/03/2022 08:42

How did a 40 year old miss the boat in getting his own property? Coming off the housing ladder is unwise. Renting at his age when he's 'a businessman'...

I detect fibs. His ex wife's got the house.

WisherWood · 08/03/2022 08:43

I think you’re both giving each other a chance. Neither of you are living alone in perfect houses just waiting for someone to come along and slot into their perfect lives. You’ve both had life experiences - yours are child related and his are business related.

Yes. I'm really glad that my DP didn't judge me for not having my own home or a dazzling career when I was in my 40s. Instead he found out about the things that had led me to that point and appreciated how much I'd overcome. But then he's a single parent so he knows that life doesn't always turn out the way you hoped and planned, no matter how much you think you've got your shit together.

WisherWood · 08/03/2022 08:50

That even being his fallback option speaks of someone who has not emotionally left home yet.

Well that rather depends. It's possible that he alternates between living with partners and living with his mother if he breaks up with them. It's possible he can't cook a meal or work a washing machine. That is deeply unattractive. It's also possible that he has maintained a good relationship with his parents. On the whole I get on well with mine. I haven't lived with them since my early 20s because they are in a different country from me, but I would have considered it if they had been nearer. It would be practical as much as anything else. I've lodged, I've flat-shared, I've rented on my own. The first two can be an utter nightmare so since I get on with my parents, it's not a bad option.

Some families retain closer ties. It doesn't make them 'mummy's boys'. Not all such ties are unhealthy. The OP can't really know which she's dealing with without finding out more.

jay55 · 08/03/2022 09:06

I think lockdown really muddies the waters. It could have been mutually beneficial, company and help for his mum, cost saving for him.

I spent a few months of lockdown living with my dad, he's very social and I worried a lot about him feeling isolated(and breaking the rules if I wasn't there). Lots of people combined homes during that time.

That said, I'd not want to date someone who lived with a parent, as it would mean any 'at home' dinner, film dates or sex would always be at my place.

Chasingaftermidnight · 08/03/2022 09:29

@HRTQueen

‘A man who gets on well with and is kind to his Mum will usually be kind to his girlfriend/wife too.’

This isn’t true too many men have a Madonna/whore opinion on how they view women. Lots of abusive men have close relationships with their mothers

Absolutely agree with this. Some of the most appalling misogynists I’ve ever met have been very close with their mothers (although admittedly haven’t had what I’d call healthy and respectful relationships with their mothers).
LillianGish · 08/03/2022 09:31

You haven’t even met him yet! The trouble with meeting anyone on Tinder is you know absolutely nothing about them other than what they tell you - which could be a complete pack of lies. If nothing else, it sounds like this guy is being honest. Friend of mine is about to marry a lovely chap she met through an on-line dating app. When she met him for the first time she laughed out loud because he was so much more attractive than his terrible photo. That, among other things, was one of the things that really helped seal it for her and persuade her to go on another date - his openness, honesty and complete lack of BS. Maybe your man is a mummy’s boy - that will soon become apparent in the course of the conversation. Alternatively maybe you should think about only dating people who you already know or have thoroughly vetted rather than chancing it with a total stranger (who may be spinning you a line when they tell you they own their own home and have money in the bank).

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 08/03/2022 09:35

@jay55

I think lockdown really muddies the waters. It could have been mutually beneficial, company and help for his mum, cost saving for him.

I spent a few months of lockdown living with my dad, he's very social and I worried a lot about him feeling isolated(and breaking the rules if I wasn't there). Lots of people combined homes during that time.

That said, I'd not want to date someone who lived with a parent, as it would mean any 'at home' dinner, film dates or sex would always be at my place.

I am also thinking this too - not appropriate for him to come to my house as I am a single parent to an under 5 and I won't have a man in my house.
OP posts:
RockinHorseShit · 08/03/2022 09:37

If he was still living at home at 40, it would put me off. However as he has left & gone back due to financial difficulties, it wouldn't put me off at all. It's a date, an opportunity to suss him out further, not a marriage contract

Jonny1265 · 08/03/2022 09:46

Lockdown hit several of my friends really hard financially. The move to his mum's doesn't sound like a permanent arrangement and there is no indication that he is a mummy's boy so I'd still see him.

AllAmericanGirl · 08/03/2022 09:57

Oh I really want to know if this is who I think it is. I know there must be lots of men who fit this description but god it's ringing my bell.

Doratheexploret · 08/03/2022 10:22

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

Those loans had to be repaid. You do understand that? And they weren’t available to every business. A self employed sole trader would not have been able to apply for the loan.

There was business rates relief for “some” small businesses but only if you had premises.

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 08/03/2022 10:27

I've agreed to go on a date with him, will see what happens - I like him and I agree, my scenario is I'm a (proud) single parent and that might not be for him and I could easily be judged, however all things considered, I have my sh*t together and have my own property, good job, and can support myself financially - I don't want that to be taken advantage of. I don't know him or his story and what his plans are, so I figure if I meet him and find out more about him then that's a start. I like the person I am speaking to, just not a fan of his living situation at his age - but I won't be judgemental before even meeting him.

OP posts:
lap90 · 08/03/2022 10:50

If it puts you off, it puts you off.

There will be people put off by your situation as a single parent.

You have to know and be honest to yourself about what you want.

Arabellla · 08/03/2022 11:16

@Doratheexploret

Those loans had to be repaid. You do understand that?

Yes, which is why I called it a LOAN. You do read, right?

Doratheexploret · 08/03/2022 11:27

[quote Arabellla]@Doratheexploret

Those loans had to be repaid. You do understand that?

Yes, which is why I called it a LOAN. You do read, right?[/quote]
@Arabella

So clearly if you know it’s a loan and that you have to pay it back then you’ll know that that’s not even remotely possible for some people to be able to do that. It wasn’t a small amount on the repayments.

Arabellla · 08/03/2022 11:30

@Doratheexploret they're payable 18 months after the loan was taken out.

ManicPixie · 08/03/2022 11:32

As others have said, being a "mummy's boy" has nothing to do with him having to move back in because covid wrecked his business. I'm presuming he doesn''t want to live back there at his age.

A slightly more reasonable question would be "should I date a 40-something whose financial situation is still precarious."

CaptSkippy · 08/03/2022 11:57

@caringcarer

A man who gets on well with and is kind to his Mum will usually be kind to his girlfriend/wife too.
I have an ex who got along well with his mom, but he treated me like dirt because his mom didn't think I was good enough for him.
Doratheexploret · 08/03/2022 12:56

[quote Arabellla]@Doratheexploret they're payable 18 months after the loan was taken out.[/quote]
@Arabelllav- they were and nearly £1000 per month. Not something most people could afford .

bubblesbubbles11 · 08/03/2022 13:48

CaptSkippy

"A man who gets on well with and is kind to his Mum will usually be kind to his girlfriend/wife too."

I actually agree with the above, but it has to be combined with the elusive qualities that they are not still effectively a "little boy living at home" i.e. even if not very literally living at home they have detached from their parents in terms of practical and emotional independence.
BUT they still show respect and place great value on their parents particularly their mother.
Gold dust if you find that!

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/03/2022 13:50

When is date @CheckandChallenge

bubblesbubbles11 · 08/03/2022 13:50

"but he treated me like dirt because his mom didn't think I was good enough for him."

and this is what i mean by needing to have "effectively detached from their parents in terms of .... emotional independence"

worriedatthistime · 08/03/2022 15:02

Op he also maybe just me right now not mr right