Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:
Carol789 · 09/03/2022 16:42

Warning! Red Flag!
Please hear me out. Any man that is willing to tell you right away that he is in a bad financial situation is testing you. Depending on if you indicated that you were a single mom on your dating profile, he intends to tap into your Nurturning energy, which is strong because you have young children, to have you take care of him. A masculine, stable man would not be proud to tell any woman he is attracted to that he's down and out and living with their mother. A True man would get himself on his feet first before even trying to get with a woman without children, let alone one with kids.

This man is putting you in the desperate category and will be asking to move into your home and also for money. Him telling you he's self employed means Zero. Someone selling T-shirts on the street is also self employed. You need proof. Don't get caught up on how handsome or charming he is. Please, Take your little ones and Run the other way.

TatianaBis · 09/03/2022 16:57

That's an awful lot of sweeping statements and random capitals.

Carol789 · 09/03/2022 17:00

Her employment is not in question here, his is. He's the one that mentioned he's cash strapped before the first date - which means he's hoping she picks up the tab or willing to go on a cheap discounted date. She is a Mother and sole caretaker of children. You don't need to question her employment.

Carol789 · 09/03/2022 17:19

So your main focus is how many initial caps I put in my comment due to how my keyboard responds and not the actual message of how this woman and mother can protect herself and children. Way to miss the point.

TatianaBis · 09/03/2022 17:24

In fact the sweeping and hilarious characterisation of men and women 'masculine stable man', 'True man', 'nurturing', were what struck me, the random caps were simply the icing on the cake.

Firefly1987 · 09/03/2022 17:28

It wouldn't bother me at all, good for you for not judging him and giving it a go. I'd much rather date a guy with no kids living at home than a single dad. You might not be compatible though very different life experiences.

Carol789 · 09/03/2022 18:01

Tootsy, but she's the one with the gold - OP is the independent one who owns home. At this point, a man 40s living with mom doesn't have much to dig for.

lurkingfromhome · 09/03/2022 18:02

I'd go on one date and see which way the chat went.

  1. I had to move back in with mum, yeah, it's really hard, haven't lived at home for 20 years but we live pretty independently from each other. I do all my own cooking, cleaning and housework and help her with DIY and home maintenance as a way of saying thanks. I'm just using the house as a base while I save like mad and will hopefully be out and living independently again by the end of the year. I'm really grateful for what she's done for me and I like spending time with her, but an adult needs their own space.

  2. Yay, I'd forgotten how brilliant it is to get my dinner made for me every night and all my shirts washed and ironed. I'm in no hurry to move out. In fact, I don't know why I ever moved out in the first place. I'll have to come to yours every night for a shag, though.

Exdonkeylover · 09/03/2022 18:08

Went on a few dates where we both discussed he few times we'd ended up back at respective parents over the years (both in our 40's) because of life circumstances such as relationship breakdowns etc. It happens, see as others say what plans he has to move forward.

Carol789 · 09/03/2022 18:11

The statements that I made are very useful information for all women. Now if the information is not helpful to you personally, you can just say it won't work for your situation. Obviously you don't have these issues in your successful relationship.

Blossomtoes · 09/03/2022 18:15

@Carol789

Warning! Red Flag! Please hear me out. Any man that is willing to tell you right away that he is in a bad financial situation is testing you. Depending on if you indicated that you were a single mom on your dating profile, he intends to tap into your Nurturning energy, which is strong because you have young children, to have you take care of him. A masculine, stable man would not be proud to tell any woman he is attracted to that he's down and out and living with their mother. A True man would get himself on his feet first before even trying to get with a woman without children, let alone one with kids.

This man is putting you in the desperate category and will be asking to move into your home and also for money. Him telling you he's self employed means Zero. Someone selling T-shirts on the street is also self employed. You need proof. Don't get caught up on how handsome or charming he is. Please, Take your little ones and Run the other way.

Blimey!
Carol789 · 09/03/2022 18:46

So sorry that you went through that.

This is why I feel so strongly about women protecting themselves. He may be a good guy that's not trying to take advantage, but one can never be sure.

Malibuismysecrethome · 10/03/2022 04:21

Carol789 would you apply the same thinking to a young single mother who was struggling through no fault of her own, maybe job loss, redundancy, etc.?

Nat6999 · 10/03/2022 04:26

My fwb lives with his parents, he is definitely not a mummy's boy, he just can't afford his own place & is a single parent so his parents help when his ds is staying during school holidays.

WisherWood · 10/03/2022 07:35

That's an awful lot of sweeping statements and random capitals.

It's the time travel. We've sorted out most of the glitches but unfortunately if you land rapidly from the 1950s the keyboard can get a bit errant. Sorry about that.

THisbackwithavengeance · 10/03/2022 08:04

The problem is that there are so many dysfunctional men on dating sites who are living with their mums because they have Failed at Life. You only have to read some of the horror stories on here to know that. I get that some men have had it hard, been screwed over by divorce, lost their job due to covid and all the other hard luck stories but in the end, if you're a sorted, solvent, hard working woman, you owe it to yourself to avoid the workshy scroungers and find a partner who matches up.

The OP is right to be cautious. She doesn't need a cocklodger. However saying that, I'd probably go on a date with him and see what he's like.

Blossomtoes · 10/03/2022 08:14

@WisherWood

That's an awful lot of sweeping statements and random capitals.

It's the time travel. We've sorted out most of the glitches but unfortunately if you land rapidly from the 1950s the keyboard can get a bit errant. Sorry about that.

😂😂😂
Carol789 · 10/03/2022 11:35

These glitches apparently haven't been sorted out. Otherwise, folks wouldn't be having all of these relationship problems straight out the gate.

Carol789 · 10/03/2022 11:43

My question is did the OP say that the 40+ man is a single parent? Maybe I missed that part. I am going by the description that she gave of the guy. Don't change the story. The OP is not trying to date a young female single parent.

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 10/03/2022 11:46

No he isn't a single parent. He has an older daughter.

OP posts:
TirisfalPumpkin · 10/03/2022 13:23

This is a good post, man #1 seems like a reasonable casual dating prospect - he has a healthy boundaried relationship with his family, acknowledges the situation isn't ideal but is taking steps to fix it and move back towards independence. Man #2, he has one perfectly good mum already, he probably doesn't need to be dating to find another.

Would still not get serious with a relationship - even if it is a man #1 scenario - until deeds follow words, i.e. he actually moves out and starts living independently again. Otherwise it feels a lot like that other dishonest carrot-dangle, 'yeah, we're still legally married and live together for convenience, but we have separate lives...'

Don't change the story. The OP is not trying to date a young female single parent.

Quite. And yeah, a 40 year old boomeranged-to-parents woman with no dependent kids wouldn't be a great option either. However, the risk profile isn't the same dating a woman like that. When women are the main targets of financial abuse and other forms of DV, and do the lion's share of domestic and reproductive labour, it doesn't help us particularly to pretend the dating playing field is completely level - better to be cautious and vet for cocklodgerism.

TirisfalPumpkin · 10/03/2022 13:24

(meant to quote @lurkingfromhome's post but experienced format ineptitude)

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread