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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 07/03/2022 18:20

think I'd be more concerned about someone of that age that had always lived with Mummy - COVID did hit some self employed hard depending on the nature of the business and ability to get support, & at least he has made changes to manage and get out of the situation rahter than drowning in debt.

I'd be a bit Hmm about the expensive car, but presumably that could be a long term finance arrangement that would be costly to get out of.

Chloemol · 07/03/2022 18:21

@CheckandChallenge

His business is recovering, he said he's had to work really hard to make up for it and often works very long days. He drives a really nice car! I'm not overthinking it, I just don't think I want to date someone who hasn't got their priorities sorted in life and is too comfortable being with mummy! but wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable as he's been really nice and respectful so far.
Tbh with your attitude I am sure he can do better

You start off telling us his business practically went under during the pandemic, you know the one we are still recovering from, including a lot of businesses, it’s tough out there still for lots of people

In order to survive and get his business back up and running he needed support, that was his mother letting him stay there whilst he gets back on his feet. His business appears to be recovering, so then he can move out

Instead of thinking, well he has done well to recover, he is hard working, you comment he drives a nice car and is too comfortable with mummy!

Just because he lived with his mum at the moment doesn't mean he always will, he obviously he hadn’t in the past

You sound very materialistic

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2022 18:23

If he was doing everything to be independent again, why buy a brand new car. Whether leased or bought, wouldn't that money have been better invested in the business

It isn't new now, but if it's that special he'd almost certainly get a lot for it with the crazy second hand prices going on. Doubtless he'd need another car, but I'd have thought the difference could help the business?

ExtraOnion · 07/03/2022 18:29

My older brother lived with my mum. He has been married and has two grown up children. My mother is in poor health, he mobility is no good, and she’s losing her sight - although he’s not her official “carer” without him being there she could not be there, as there is no way she could manage on her own.
He’s put a lot of his life on hold to do it, and it takes pressure off me & my siblings (though we do help out).
I wouldn’t like people to think badly of him, or that he’s a “mummy’s boy” .. he’s doing a good thing

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 07/03/2022 18:38

My step Dad moved back in with his parents in his 40s for a time and was the kindest/most responsible man you could ever meet. It was circumstances at that time coupled with the fact he had a good relationship with his parents.

If it was a regular thing I wouldn't entertain it but if it's only this time and he has a clear plan I'd be ok but definitely trust your gut if it's saying something different.

BOOTS52 · 07/03/2022 18:40

I am shocked at one person on here who stated that he should not be dating now until he has his own place or finances sorted. Who is this person to tell another if they should date or not.

Londontown12 · 07/03/2022 18:41

Give him a chance !! My son is at home again he’s a self employed barber no way he cud afford his flat and business throu lockdown ! And there’s no way he cud of had a £50,000 loan he had a few grants to keep afloat . Just see when he plans to move out Op xxx

Unmumsymofo · 07/03/2022 18:44

The fact that he had a really nice car but lived with mummy would give me the ick. Suggests his got his priorities and values a bit mismatched to mine…

Yahyahs22 · 07/03/2022 18:46

So I dated this guy once. He lived with his mum as his relationship went down the drain and was still paying their mortgage but let her stay in the house as she had their small children. He also drove a nice car. He told me he had lots in savings and was looking for the perfect home. I believed every word of it. And none of it was true. Just be careful is all I say

wearewizardsofoz · 07/03/2022 18:53

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

We got the loan. We're still struggling. It depends on the business. We had business loans we couldn't pay. They were perfectly achievable pre covid. The loan paid those off and now we have to start paying back the govt loan even though our business is nowhere near back up to pre covid levels. We are taking home 1/3 of what we were before yet still have to pay the same mortgage. We've already sold a car and it's only because I have another profession that I was able to go back to and take a (lowish) second wage that's meant we kept the house. Which is a good job as we'd never get a mortgage now even in a cheaper house. Remember someone who had their own business could be turning over millions (2 million for us) so a 50k loan is not a huge amount.

I don't think you can judge without knowing the facts.

Op go on the date and see what he says.

Dobedodo · 07/03/2022 18:53

The car might be a red herring. He could have bought it in feb 2020 if it’s a 17 plate with no idea of what was to come. That’s a 3 year old car at that point. Trying to sell it then buy cheaper isn’t going to gain you much.

drawingpad · 07/03/2022 18:56

I'm too confused by OP saying he has a new car but it's a 17 plate. Unless it was a typo for 71?

Zwellers · 07/03/2022 18:56

sala7 so you know from this thread op is obviously not a gold digger despite not knowing her. Meanwhile despite examples on this thread you have never heard of a man living with his mother, and you also assume just because he is man he is a mummys boy cheapskate with a failed business. You disgust me with the double standard

mysweetlemonpie · 07/03/2022 18:58

@Unmumsymofo

The fact that he had a really nice car but lived with mummy would give me the ick. Suggests his got his priorities and values a bit mismatched to mine…

Same here.
I would also get bored having to do all the hosting once it got to the stage to staying in for the evening/night.
I'm bored of my own 4 walls - I want to see some different ones!

Ballsaque · 07/03/2022 19:02

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

He may not be a business owner.

Many people in my line of work are self employed and earned over the threshold for the SEISS grant.
And they don’t own businesses so couldn’t take a loan.

Loads of people were completely left out!

Person123456 · 07/03/2022 19:02

you sound very intelligent and like you know what you are doing, Im sure your gut instincts will keep you right

Juelz · 07/03/2022 19:02

Tinder isn’t a dating site leading to marriage is it?! I thought Tinder was a meet up & s* site, so just go on the date & enjoy! 😉
I might add that I’ve been out of the dating scene for many years 😂

Foxglovers · 07/03/2022 19:05

I would definitely be put off and I would certainly downgrade a car to avoid living in with my mum if it were me. I’d say go on the date but find out more info like where he was living before covid etc and when he is living out/getting back in track, then asses from there!

CaptSkippy · 07/03/2022 19:15

OP, don't think of it as judging him. Think of it as being incompatible. It would put me off too.

I am at a certain stage in my life and I am not interested in people who are at a different stage or who have wildly different priorities from what I do. I am not better or worse than they are, but I am different and I am looking for someone who is not so far removed from my own situation.

Abraxan · 07/03/2022 19:16

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

This was most definitely not the case across the board. Not all small businesses were able to access financial support, and not all to that level.
MagnoliaXYZ · 07/03/2022 19:17

I think he has a good reason to be living at home so it wouldn't put me off. If he was in his 40s and had never moved out, that would be a different matter.

GooglyEyeballs · 07/03/2022 19:24

I don't think you are unreasonable to be cautious here. You are at a stage in your life where you're looking for someone like you who is independent and doesn't come hand in hand with their parents. I don't think you're a bad person for wanting someone with a compatible life style to you. There's something reminiscent of adolescent dating a guy who lives with his mum. It's a completely different dynamic whenever you go over to his place.

Staryflight445 · 07/03/2022 19:25

‘ I'm not overthinking it, I just don't think I want to date someone who hasn't got their priorities sorted in life and is too comfortable being with mummy!’

Just because you have a mortgage it doesn’t mean you have your priorities in order op, let’s make this clear?

Perhaps he has a lot in savings but wouldn’t think to share that info?

amnm · 07/03/2022 19:34

How much of a deal breaker is it for you? If he says his medium term plan is to live with his mum for the next 2-3 years for a reason that makes perfect sense, e.g. while he pays of debts and saves money to relaunch his business, would that put you off?

Butchyrestingface · 07/03/2022 19:35

Just because you have a mortgage it doesn’t mean you have your priorities in order op, let’s make this clear?

Too right. By the time I was OP's age, I'd paid off my mortgage. Wouldn't want to bump uglies with someone who hadn't sorted their priorities enough to get rid of that pesky thing by mid to late thirties.

I jest, but probably some people take that view... Hmm