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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 07/03/2022 17:00

You could just meet him for a coffee and see how it goes. If you don't click then you can just say pass and onto the next one.

Don't let him blind you with talks of projects/money/failed businesses etc though.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2022 17:00

My house is my house and not welcome to a man to live in

Very wise of you, OP - after all, there's an old saying about no man being keener than the one who wants somewhere nice to live

I'm another who'd be okay with this if it's true and the situation's temporary, but like you I'd definitely want to know it wasn't some cover story he'd cooked up because he knows that living with mummy in his 40s is a dating red flag

saraclara · 07/03/2022 17:00

Moving in with his mum during lockdown was probably of benefit to them both. It meant that he could keep his business going, and that she wasn't isolated when none of us who live alone could see anyone. Remember it was quite some months before people like me could become part of one of our children's households, in order to actually see them.

By living with her he could ensure that she was safe and well and had company, as well as try to plough as much as he could into saving his business. I would however, want to know that he had plans for living independently again as soon as possible.

CognitiveDissolver · 07/03/2022 17:03

@TYbakedpotato

The accusations of gold digger are hilarious - the OP has her own gold, if anything, she just wants to make sure he doesn't come digging after hers, given she worked hard for it, and has kids to support!

Life can temporarily go to shit. I'd be understanding of that. But I'd want to find out more about his plans to get back on his feet.

There's 'self-employment' and then there's being an entrepreneur. His previous business might have been more like a pin money hobby, or it might have been a business empire in a sector hit badly by Covid. True entrepreneurs fall hard, but they rise highly too, and will get back on their feet. The other kind? It's like a dead end job, just under the disguise of 'I'm a director'. Ever noticed how many men on OLD say they're 'directors'? Doesn't mean anything without the context.

I'd be wary, but keep an open mind. He said he had moved back home, not that he'd never left home.

I can completely relate to the OP wanting to date someone who is her financial equal - not because I want someone to pay for me, but because I don't want to be continually bailing out a man who had nothing to do with my previous success.

There are a lot of men out there quite happy to ride on the coattails of a woman who is financially sorted, on the basis that women aren't "supposed" to be happy single and a man can't possibly be a golddigger. But there are plenty of stories out there of men who are exactly that. I know a couple.

I think I'd say, "thats good, maybe contact me once you are in a better place to date".

BitOutOfPractice · 07/03/2022 17:05

Also @Arabellla, while you are giving us the benefit of your wisdom, could you let me know about this "relief" to which you so expertly alluded that businesses got at the drop of a hat (apart from the "crappy" ones obviously) because I would love to know what it is / was on account of the fact that my well-established business got absolutely nothing at all!

Also, you do know that loans have to be repaid don't you? You do know that I assume?

While I await your response I'll just collect my eyes off the floor from where they rolled out of my head.

bubblesbubbles11 · 07/03/2022 17:11

what is the exact age gap between you and him?

luckylavender · 07/03/2022 17:19

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

Self employed people were most often not able to get any of that assistance. It was widely reported. Don't judge.
labyrinthlaziness · 07/03/2022 17:19

@CheckandChallenge

Please don't make this thread about being self employed and lock down - this thread isn't about that.
Confused He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes

How can it not be about being self-employed and lockdown when it was his self-employment and lockdown that caused the change in circs?

I think he should give you a wide berth, he needs someone more sensible and pragmatic of he is self employed.

KeyWorker · 07/03/2022 17:24

I think I’d be more concerned if he was 40 and never left home, I think it’s different that unfortunate circumstances made it so he had to move back to his parents.

MayEye · 07/03/2022 17:24

I wouldn’t judge immediately but having been in a relationship of sorts with someone in a similar situation, it eventually caused issues and the relationship ended. I would like pp said see how ready he is to date. He might be ready and open and looking for a new place to live and the timing could be right for you both to start something.
Or he could still be recovering from the business collapse, living with his mum could be a sign of ongoing financial issues.
You might not be able to go to his at all and be the one hosting all the time- this was my situation and it got annoying towards the end.

If you like him meet him with an open mind but definitely gently probe the living situation more to see if his plans are compatible with your needs.

Natty13 · 07/03/2022 17:30

I had a boyfriend once who moved home to save while doing his masters/not have to work full time hours to get by.

He was independent with cooking his own meals/washing his own clothes etc. so I was not put off with him living with his mum. When he moved out again on his own he kept a clean and organised life so it was attractive to me. On the other hand I have been with grown men who are happy for their mothers to do it all for them and the dependence is just so unattractive.

Ugzbugz · 07/03/2022 17:31

I owned a flat then a house and then became a single parent and moved back home for most or my 30s. I live not far from London and house prices are insane but I managed to save up and then get a second income so 2 jobs and buy my flat so I think you are being unreasonable. He's had a blip and it seems he's trying to get back on top of things.

In many cultures families always live together.

BalooLikeYou · 07/03/2022 17:32

Haven't read thread, just wanted to make sure this Seinfeld clip had been posted.

WimpoleHat · 07/03/2022 17:34

This was my cousin; he’d had a messy divorce and things went pear shaped for him work wise. And then his mum died, and he still lives with my uncle. He’s a very decent bloke; he’s just been unlucky financially. And he has a good relationship with his parents, so it was a perfectly workable idea. He and my uncle rub along well - so it’s like a flatmate arrangement really. He’s a lovely guy, decent, hardworking. So it really depends.

ancientgran · 07/03/2022 17:36

@CheckandChallenge

His business is recovering, he said he's had to work really hard to make up for it and often works very long days. He drives a really nice car! I'm not overthinking it, I just don't think I want to date someone who hasn't got their priorities sorted in life and is too comfortable being with mummy! but wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable as he's been really nice and respectful so far.
If he's in his 40s and he's moved in since lockdowns it's a bit different, well very different, to a 40 year old who has always lived with his mum.

My neighbour's son has moved back in with her, he's late 30s, lost his job due to lockdown and his wife left him. He's supporting his kids, adjusting to life on a lower wage with a new job and his mum was living alone in a 4 bed house. It just seemed sensible to me.

Notmyyearthisyear · 07/03/2022 17:39

@Tootsey11

You sound like a gold digger Op.
@Tootsey11 the OP mentioned the car to illustrate that the guy must make decent money already, most likely, but still lives with mum. To accuse her of being a gold digger based on that is rather shameful.
Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2022 17:40

There are a lot of men out there quite happy to ride on the coattails of a woman who is financially sorted

Indeed; we're reminded of them constantly on here, but now OP's being rightly cautious she's slammed for it in the usual MN swing

In fairness nobody's saying this one's actually a dud, only that OP can't yet know and it's something worth finding out - which in light of the lies which get told on dating sites sounds pretty sensible to me

FinallyHere · 07/03/2022 17:43

it's a new car (17 reg) so he obviously has the funds to be buying that, but not for a first months deposit or rent.

Moved back in with parents because his business was hit hard sounds CV plausible to me. I'd be a bit concerned about a brand new car in that situation.

If he was doing everything to be independent again, why buy a brand new car. Whether leased or bought, wouldn't that money have been better invested in the business.

I'd probably give him a chance but stay very wary and want to hear about his business plan, especially what steps he has mapped out to achieve it. And how he squares that with a new car and an eye to a new girlfriend.

It could all be fair enough, it could be living at home he can spend his money and energy on having fun.

Good luck

ancientgran · 07/03/2022 17:46

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

That's hilarious. I mean a man who got himself a £50k loan to maintain appearances would be such a great bet rather than one who looked at the situation, his reduced income and the uncertainty of the immediate future and made a rational decision.

I never knew being in debt was supposed to be attractive.

Nikkic2123 · 07/03/2022 17:47

@CheckandChallenge

He definitely won't be knowing where I live! or getting his own key! My house is my house and not welcome to a man to live in.
If this is your view, why are you dating again?

I personally would go on the date, ask a few subtle questions, then decide, I moved out at 23 and rented, moved back home a year later saved for a deposit and bought my own house, moved out again at 25.

I guess it doesn't matter what age you are but sometimes if we need to lean on a parent and they are willing to help, it happens.

Let us know how you get on x

ancientgran · 07/03/2022 17:49

@FinallyHere

it's a new car (17 reg) so he obviously has the funds to be buying that, but not for a first months deposit or rent.

Moved back in with parents because his business was hit hard sounds CV plausible to me. I'd be a bit concerned about a brand new car in that situation.

If he was doing everything to be independent again, why buy a brand new car. Whether leased or bought, wouldn't that money have been better invested in the business.

I'd probably give him a chance but stay very wary and want to hear about his business plan, especially what steps he has mapped out to achieve it. And how he squares that with a new car and an eye to a new girlfriend.

It could all be fair enough, it could be living at home he can spend his money and energy on having fun.

Good luck

A 17 reg car isn't new, he might have had it for years, he might need a car for work, he might have sold a brand new top of the range car bought an older car and kept his business running with what was left. We don't know but we do know a 17 car isn't new.

If I was a man on a first date and was questioned about my business plan and what steps I was taking to achieve it I'd politely run like the wind.

drawingpad · 07/03/2022 17:51

17 isn't a new car, it's 4.5 - 5 years old. Possibly the guy has paid off any finance on it and not refinanced for a new car as his circumstances are not great.

I would give him a chance and see what he is like.

Amethystbluexo · 07/03/2022 17:52

Jesus OP abit judgey aren’t you? Christ poor man I’d be running for the hills. I’d say count yourself bloody lucky your home and job wasn’t impacted to covid. If he judged you for being a single parent, the comments would be VERY different.

He might be “a mummy’s boy” you haven’t even met the man I think he deserves someone less narrow minded tbh. You preach how independent or how you don’t want a man in your house, well bloody move on then!

WonderfulYou · 07/03/2022 18:12

This would not put me off.

If you’re single and your parents have a spare room you might as well move in and save on rent.
Usually half your wage goes on bills so why not share the cost.

Obviously he could be one of these that are trying to find a girlfriend to replace his mum, but there’s plenty of them around anyway.

Go for it.

BOOTS52 · 07/03/2022 18:18

I think go on a date with him as very hard to meet nice respectful people. You will then have a better idea of how things are when you talk to him in person and see if there is a connection. Lots of people suffered during pandemic and I would not hold that against him but once he is working hard to build back up his business and temporarily living with his mum would not bother me. Why are people talking about not letting him move into your place as you have not even met him yet. Just go on the date or else you will always be wondering 'what if'. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders so if you get on just take things slow as usually everyone on best behaviour at the start. Hope you have fun.