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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:
Eviebea · 08/03/2022 01:06

@Tootsey11

So why mention his car then. Does it really matter what sort of car anyone drives. His business was hit hard during covid and he's had to move back home. And now he's working hard to correct that. Why on earth would that be a problem.
This!
MangyInseam · 08/03/2022 02:45

Why shouldn't he live with his mother? I'd live with family before a random roommate any day.

I mean the other option would be giving up on the business, it seems to me, which isn't the greatest look either.

MangyInseam · 08/03/2022 02:53

I don't see the car even as an issue. Not having rent or a mortgage is a substantial savings on an ongoing basis.

If there was no absolute need to get rid of the car, why would he? He'd just have to replace it with something else and the savings or cash in hand would likely be minimal in terms of affecting the business. It might not be as reliable especially if he is in it a lot, and there are car shortages at the moment anyway, especially small ones. He's likely be over-paying for what he'd get.

Clumsyvolcano · 08/03/2022 04:08

People who judge others for still living at home are short sighted regardless of the circumstances in this day and age in my opinion since living alone can be extremely expensive and therefore impractical for some. Some people also dislike living alone.

Doesn’t mean they aren’t an independent, nice, kind person worthy of a date or a partner.

lboogy · 08/03/2022 04:18

YANBU op. As a single parent, you have more of an obligation to pick a partner who can truly be a partner and not a dependent. Find out if he's ever been independent of his parents. Be tactful and get as much information out of him as you can

GiantHaystacks2021 · 08/03/2022 04:46

As someone else said on MN one time:

There's no man who falls in love faster than one who needs somewhere to live.
Be careful.

UnsuitableHat · 08/03/2022 04:47

Living with your mum doesn’t make you ‘a dependent’.

Citygirl2019 · 08/03/2022 05:51

Op I understand your concerns, but I'd give him a chance.

Car is probably on lease, to get out of the contract would have probably cost him more than doing so. I wouldn't assume he had prioritised a car over rent/mortgage.

Moving back home with his mum so he doesn't incur debts during covid because his business took a hit, seems sensible to me.

My ex lives in his own flat with a mortgage, has a good job, drives a reasonable car. On Peter he would sound ok. He is actually on a debt management plan following gambling addiction. So I personally would prefer a man who was doing everything he could to remain debt free.

You could casually enquire on a date about his situation pre covid. I'd phrase it as asking what his life looked like, did he live local etc. Also what are his current aspirations, is he hoping to save and have a mortgage etc.

It wouldn't put me off if he was a good honest man. If he had a plan to get back on his feet and he was working hard to achieve this.

Citygirl2019 · 08/03/2022 05:53

*paper

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 08/03/2022 06:26

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

Not all businesses were allowed this, my close friends were not eligible and suffered a lot due to having their business closed for months on end during lockdown.

OP, I would tread carefully but this wouldn't put me off completely. If she does his washing and cooks all his meals I would be off though.

Mumofboys109 · 08/03/2022 06:43

I temporarily moved in with my dad for three years while i saved for a house. I live in London and it seems pretty common for people round here because it’s too expensive. It doesn’t mean anything at all and definitely doesn’t mean a mummy’s boy

TirisfalPumpkin · 08/03/2022 06:51

I wouldn’t, tbh. Dating isn’t a recruitment exercise where you have to be fair to everyone, it’s your life, your time, your preferences.

I wouldn’t find a 40 yo who lived with his mother attractive. That even being his fallback option speaks of someone who has not emotionally left home yet.

Mocca8 · 08/03/2022 06:58

He also may have been preciously living with a partner and split during covid but didn't want to mention this. I am married to someone who can't cook clean take care of anything belive me ....enter with caution. I'd go on the date and just take your time. You might be what he needs to spur him on but also listen to your gut. I agree businesses were hit hard especially self employed so hope he gets back on track soon. I've been with a few mummy's boys and it wasn't good...one sat on our bed with us after you know what 😱 you sound far too strong and independent to be needing to look after a mummy's boy bit also that might not be his case. Good luck and enjoy the date!

Arabellla · 08/03/2022 06:59

@caringcarer

A man who gets on well with and is kind to his Mum will usually be kind to his girlfriend/wife too.
But you don’t know that he is kind to his mum.

Never assume that because a man lives with his mum that she is not bullied by him. I’ve seen it happen a few times.

Arabellla · 08/03/2022 07:00

Dating isn’t a recruitment exercise where you have to be fair to everyone, it’s your life, your time, your preferences.

Perfectly put.

TheDogsMother · 08/03/2022 07:01

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

Absolutely untrue ! ! 3 million businesses and self employed people of many types were left without grants. Many weren't eligible for bounce back loans or perhaps may not have wished to saddle themselves with one going forward. There are some absolutely heartbreaking stories out there if you care to look so please don't comment on something you where you don't know the facts.

OP I would be inclined to believe the guy and go on at least one date to understand more about his situation. Perhaps he is just trying hard to get back on his feet after what was a devastating time for many small businesses.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 08/03/2022 07:03

@Arabellla

Businesses got relief and were able to apply for £50k loads during the pandemic. The checks on those loans were very rudimentary and most got the loan.

I'd be wary of someone who pissed all that away.

Rubbish. 7 million were excluded from any support and the Tories didn’t care a bit.
LibrariesGiveUsPower · 08/03/2022 07:03

*3 million

FatFucker · 08/03/2022 07:06

@Aniita

I'd still go on the date, but be wanting to know how long he has lived with his mum and what his plan for getting out is (wouldn't necessarily be that direct, but that's what I would need to know by the end of the date).

You don't want to his "get out of mum's" card (ie move in with you instead) and you don't want to be always paying for everything because he is skint. Has his business started to recover? Or if not, has he now got a job?

The second poster hit the nail on the head! I've got a male friend who lives with his mum, gets a new gf then moves in with her. Breaks up, back with mum.

If he has a plan to get out there then well and good, but if not .... run!!

The new car and being OLD is a giveaway he's just waiting for a new gf to take the place of mummy!

Lollyfalalalalalalalalaaahhhhh · 08/03/2022 07:08

I would hive him a shot OP- I started dating my boyfriend when he was unemployed and living with mum, both things I NEVER would have considered for any other man but as I had known him years earlier (as a friend of a friend) I gave it a shot.

It took him less than 2 months to get back on his feet and now he earns more than me, and is the most kind and generous man I've ever had a relationship with.

dozyjosie · 08/03/2022 07:08

I haven't read the full thread but you sound like you are being judgey and unreasonable to me. You say you want a man with his priorities in order but nobody could have predicted or planned for lockdown. Many people fell on hard times, it's not like he has always lived with his mum just for a free ride.

Maybe he's thinking 'I've been talking to this woman but she's a single parent and I'm not sure if I want that baggage' - it's reasonable to have preferences but wouldn't you feel judged by that? Go on what he's like as a person and figure out his circumstances later, it's a first date!

newbiename · 08/03/2022 07:08

@Tootsey11

You sound like a gold digger Op.
No she doesn't. She doesn't want to get involved with a 40 year old mummy's boy who has cock lodger potential.
newbiename · 08/03/2022 07:12

One of my best friends is self employed , they got nothing.

Briony123 · 08/03/2022 07:13

@CheckandChallenge

His business is recovering, he said he's had to work really hard to make up for it and often works very long days. He drives a really nice car! I'm not overthinking it, I just don't think I want to date someone who hasn't got their priorities sorted in life and is too comfortable being with mummy! but wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable as he's been really nice and respectful so far.
I'd worry that he prioritised driving a nice car over living independently of his mother. Prioritising nice cars over literally anything is off-putting to me.
AllAmericanGirl · 08/03/2022 07:17

I feel like this could be my bil.