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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be put off by dating a mid 40 year old who lives with his mum?

347 replies

CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 13:33

Wise MN, please tell me what you think.
Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos.
He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes.
One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet.
How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property.
On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that.
We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful.
What do you think? would this put you off?

OP posts:
Doratheexploret · 07/03/2022 19:35

No it wouldn’t. My brother is 38 and still lives at home. He’s absolutely lovely. He has lived alone and with a girlfriend but always ends up back at my mums.

DrSbaitso · 07/03/2022 19:38

If OP were a gold digger, she wouldn't be even considering dating him.

What's that saying? "Stop accusing women of being gold diggers, you ain't got shit."

HRTQueen · 07/03/2022 19:40

Yes it would put me off

You are already questioning this so best to move on the feeling won’t go away

CognitiveDissolver · 07/03/2022 19:46

@Puzzledandpissedoff

If he was doing everything to be independent again, why buy a brand new car. Whether leased or bought, wouldn't that money have been better invested in the business

It isn't new now, but if it's that special he'd almost certainly get a lot for it with the crazy second hand prices going on. Doubtless he'd need another car, but I'd have thought the difference could help the business?

Those were my thoughts too. Lets say he bought it at the start of lockdown, it would have been less than a year old then and if he bought it in the second half of lockdown, the car would have been 2 - 21/2 years old. Unless he bought it brand spanking new just before lockdown. At any rate, you would think he would have sold the car to help his struggling business because its a very easy way to raise cash quickly.

Of course he could have bought it on credit and have been unable to get out of the contract, but again that comes back to buying expensive new cars on credit which is a waste of money too.

Just not very appealing traits. A woman would be told she was damned stupid for spending her money on a car like this but not being able to even a rent a place on her own. Why shouldn't men be told the same thing?

Patienceisntvirtuous · 07/03/2022 19:51

These replie are so different to the ones on my recent thread about a similar issue! It did have differences though.
I'd agree find out the endgame op, and how long he has been there and why.

Hollywolly1 · 07/03/2022 20:21

Maybe the man didn't buy his house yet because he wants to have the full price of it saved and doesn't want a mortgage,or he has his own house but is currently renting it out to have extra money so moved back with his mother for a while, you won't know these things for a while

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 20:28

I think it's just all these uncertainties, there's no easy way to ask him without coming across like a judgemental cow. If he's got too comfortable at his mums and isn't in a hurry to move out then that is a red flag for me.

OP posts:
drawingpad · 07/03/2022 20:42

Lets say he bought it at the start of lockdown, it would have been less than a year old then

It is a 2017 car. So if he bought it in 2020 it would have been 3 years old.

WisherWood · 07/03/2022 20:49

there's no easy way to ask him without coming across like a judgemental cow.

You should definitely avoid doing that.

caringcarer · 07/03/2022 20:51

He has probably leased the car not bought it. If he got a government business loan during pandemic they have to be repaid. He may be doing responsible thing and cutting back his outgoings to save his business/livelihood. I would say meet up with him and see how it goes. A few dates are not life commitments.

MintyFreshBreath · 07/03/2022 20:52

I thought you were going to say he’d never left home which would be extremely different. This sounds like a temporary thing and I doubt he wants it to go on forever. Just get to know him and if it’s meant to be it’ll happen. Could be worse, I once dated a guy who was a virgin when we met 😬 Most terrible kisser and he made sex noises. In the end I got the ick and that was that!

caringcarer · 07/03/2022 20:52

A man who gets on well with and is kind to his Mum will usually be kind to his girlfriend/wife too.

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 20:56

@caringcarer

A man who gets on well with and is kind to his Mum will usually be kind to his girlfriend/wife too.
I do agree wholeheartedly with this. My ex hates his mum and he was a complete bastard to me.
OP posts:
Momijin · 07/03/2022 20:58

@caringcarer

A man who gets on well with and is kind to his Mum will usually be kind to his girlfriend/wife too.
My ex was absolutely lovely to his toxic mother and abusive with me. No correlation
SartresSoul · 07/03/2022 21:00

It could be temporary as he says or he could actually just live with her because it’s an easy life for him. My Uncle is mid 50s and still lives at home with my Nan. He loves it because she still does his cooking, cleaning and laundry… He doesn’t know how to operate a washing machine. Has a good job, nice car, nice clothes etc and tbh he’s a pretty nice guy but not the sort you’d want a long term relationship with hence why no woman ever stays with him for very long.

It’s up to you whether you give him a shot or not. He might be genuine and he’s just trying to get himself back on his feet. I’d guess any sex would have to occur at yours or a hotel though, bit off putting when you’re middle aged and Mummy is next door.

SartresSoul · 07/03/2022 21:00

@caringcarer

A man who gets on well with and is kind to his Mum will usually be kind to his girlfriend/wife too.
Disagree. My abusive ex loved his Mum and she thought the sun shone out of his arse.
stupidandconcearned · 07/03/2022 21:02

Mn in its full judgement
How many times in here do we tell women maybe leaving husbands can you go back to your mums? Yet a man does it and they are a mummys boy

ButtockUp · 07/03/2022 21:03

If I were in my 20s id possibly think 'hmmm' about a man living with his mum at his age.

However, thirty years later, I know of a lovely man , in his 30s , still living with his mum.
He works in central London and moving out , on his salary , would mean living way out of London but would mean that his commuting costs would be prohibitive.
He has been outbid so many, many times on rentals and even house shares.

There are loads of youngish Londoners just like him .

stupidandconcearned · 07/03/2022 21:07

@CognitiveDissolver the car could be through his business though a home cannot
Op surely your only meeting him for a date or two nit planning in marrying him so why not get to know him then judge

Knittingchamp · 07/03/2022 21:14

@CheckandChallenge

Wise MN, please tell me what you think. Have got back onto the online dating business game, matched with someone on tinder - he comes across as really nice, we have good chat and he's good looking from his photos. He mentioned he's self employed and lock down hit his business very hard and he was forced to make some changes. One of those is that he had to move back home to his mum's (dad not around) to get back on his feet. How would you feel about this? on the one hand, I'm put off by it as I am a mid 30s very independent single parent who has a mortgaged property. On the other hand, I feel really mean for judging him, but I have visions of "mummy's boy" in my head and I really don't want to deal with that. We're supposed to be meeting this week and I feel really put off, but part of me still wants to give him a chance as he has been nothing but respectful. What do you think? would this put you off?
Is he hot and a nice guy? If so, who cares if he lives with his mum? Life can suck, Covid messed up the economy, stuff happens. Doesn't mean he isn't a cool guy and with a lot to give.
Bizawit · 07/03/2022 21:22

Can everyone please stop comparing living at home with your mum and being a single parent!!

OP - YANBU to consider this a red flag. But if it is just an exceptional temporary circumstance due to the pandemic etc, then fair enough. I guess that’s what you will need to suss out..

Original poster
CheckandChallenge · 07/03/2022 21:34

I might be a single parent. But I'm a single parent who has their sh*t together.. So agree, there should be no comparison.
I guess I shouldn't judge straight off, it's a date, not a declaration of marriage..

OP posts:
ancientgran · 07/03/2022 22:59

Those were my thoughts too. Lets say he bought it at the start of lockdown, it would have been less than a year old then and if he bought it in the second half of lockdown, the car would have been 2 - 21/2 years old. Unless he bought it brand spanking new just before lockdown. At any rate, you would think he would have sold the car to help his struggling business because its a very easy way to raise cash quickly.

The first lockdown was March 2020, a 17 plate would have been new between March and September 2017 so if he bought it brand new it would have been between two and a half and three years before the first lockdown.

Sportslady44 · 07/03/2022 23:46

You would get a fella and a new friend his mum.

Suzi888 · 08/03/2022 01:03

@CheckandChallenge

He definitely won't be knowing where I live! or getting his own key! My house is my house and not welcome to a man to live in.
I wouldn’t bother dating if I felt this way. If you only want fwb be clear from the start.

You haven’t even been on a date yet but are already judging him, honestly what’s the point in going. Wait for someone who meets your level of expectations.