To not want to go on holiday with friend due to her eating disorder?

[Backujij]

Or at least what I think is an eating disorder.

I go on holiday with a friend every so often, and she has asked me to join her on a city break later this month. I love her and usually enjoy her company, but her attitude to food has got to the point where I don’t want to go.

If I leave anything on my plate there is a huge fuss made about wasting food. She will have my leftover food boxed up and carry it around for the rest of the evening. Nothing wrong with that if it was substantial, but it’s even if it’s a few carrots or a couple of spoonfuls of soup, and she makes such a big thing of it, always with questions like ‘how much do you waste at home? You should keep anything you don’t finish at home and have it for your next meal until it’s gone’. On one occasion, she took back to our hotel a bit of pie I hadn’t finished, and had the filling for dinner one evening and the pastry the next, and refused to order any dinner while I ate because she’d had the leftovers.

She also decided exactly what restaurants we’re eating in before we arrive on holiday, and there is no leeway. She will quiz the waiters about the food and their suggestions for a lengthy time to find out if it’s local food etc before she orders, and it’s embarrassing. She has woken me up in the morning to show me the menu of where we’re eating that night. She makes a huge fuss of having to have exactly what she wants to eat at exactly where she wants to eat, and never ever consults me. If I offer up alternatives she’ll say (huffily) ‘well we can go there but no, I won’t be eating there. I want something healthier/more local/less expensive/not as touristy’ etc.

Sometimes she’ll come to restaurants she hasn’t chosen, refuse to eat, then ask if she can have people’s leftovers when they’ve finished.

She got so thin at one point that she was hospitalised with exhaustion and told to lay off exercise for a while. I have never asked her about whether she thinks she has an eating disorder, although she did say on our last holiday that she did get too thin at one point.

She knows she’s controlling about food and has asked if it bothers me. I have said it does, but she never changes.

I know that she’s probably ill, but WIBU to refuse to go on holiday with her any more? It’s a shame because otherwise I adore her company and have known her many years, and we live on opposite sides of the country so we really only get to see each other when we go away.

AIBU to stop holidaying with her because of this when it is likely she can’t help it? Should I go and try and be supportive?

Hell would freeze over before I'd go on holiday with someone like that. Honestly I eat vegan because dairy makes my IBS flare up but I'd never dream of dictating to others what they should eat and I just eat what they've got for me without making a fuss.

YANBU. I have an ED but I can suspend it for meals out, and holidays are all about meals out etc for me so her issues would spoil the fun a bit.

YANBU OP. I feel sad that anyone has those sorts of thoughts,it must really consume her but you won't have fun with her in that frame of mind.

I went on a 3 day trip to Berlin with a friend who had an eating disorder. She wanted to eat sushi for very meal, including breakfast. We'd be trailing around trying to find sushi restaurants it was ridiculous.

She had a hot dog and the drama and guilt she felt was horrible to witness.

PP's are right to be more firm with your boundaries with others @Backujij . Say what you're not going to do and put up with.

This would drive me up the wall. It sounds as if she knows she has a problem but isn’t quite willing to get it sorted. You wouldn’t be unreasonable to not want to go and I would tell her the reason why too.

That holiday experience sounds miserable.

I have mental health issues (but not an eating disorder). Personally I think if you want to, and can find a way to do it very gently, it might help her if you encourage her to seek help for her issues. But be prepared that she might react angrily, or avoid you afterwards. I've been gently told by someone close to me that I needed therapy - sadly that therapist didn't help much, but it did give me the push to do it.

The kind thing would be to say "no because of your eating habits" and leave it at that

We'd be trailing around trying to find sushi restaurants it was ridiculous.

Yes @moita, absolutely this. She decides she wants to eat at a specific Italian restaurant, and so we trail for miles to find it, finally get there and it doesn’t open for another hour or whatever, and there are dozens of other lovely Italian restaurants we’ve passed on the way, but we have to find the specific one she has decided on. She does say it’s because she’s a foody and has researched the restaurants and that’s the best one in Rome, but I’m hungry and tired and just want to eat.

@PeakyBlender

I wouldn't go and I would tell her why. She sounds a right fucking nuisance. If she's got an eating disorder there's help available.

And you sound like not a very nice person.

Obviously OP is well within her rights to not want to go, holidays are meant to be enjoyed.

But this person is clearly struggling. As someone who had an eating disorder for nearly 10 years, let me tell you there isn’t help. We live in a society where being thin is praised. At 5’3 i weighed 93lbs and I stopped having periods as you can imagine, went to doctors and they were insistent nothing was wrong, they palpated my tummy and the doc said ‘oh lovely flat tummy’ and sent me on my way. I was clearly very underweight. This is the norm. You have to have a BMI of below 14 to qualify in most areas plus this person is an adult and she probably doesn’t realise she has an eating disorder. Eating disorders kill, remember that. It’s a mental illness not just someone being extra.

You mentioned that she eats the leftovers of kids' meals - these holidays sound difficult enough for adults, but worrying for kids to be there too and witness this.

Her rigid thinking about food and trying to force others to comply with her thinking is probably not just happening when she's on holiday. She may feel like every social interaction involving food is a bit of a battle. Maybe she is using the idea that certain people "don't mind" to justify things. If so it might be best to say something non- judgmental about eating out. "It doesn't seem easy to find places that suit us both" etc. It certainly isn't fair that she chooses the restaurants, cuisine, ingredients etc for both of you.

As others have said, food is often an important part of socialising and unless you're on an activity break where food is just fuel, you're missing out.

She sounds like my DSis before she was treated for food addiction.

how well do you know her DH, OP? any chance of touching on the subject with him?

The fact that she has asked you could be her acknowledging that she needs help? I couldn't ever go out with someone like that because if she started to try to control, say, my leftovers, I'd start getting ratty and I wouldn't want to be ratty with a friend with MH issues.

My sister is like this. It was awful going away with her as she’d spend a long time quizzing bored waiters about the food and then insist that one main course and one side salad was enough fur both of us. She’d spend the rest of the evening declaring how full she was and insisting on walking miles at a furious pace to work off the calories whilst pumping her arms up and down using two bottles of water as weights.
It was awful.

Your friend has mental health problems around food and YANBU declining her invitation to holiday together.

PP are saying you should be truthful with her about the reason why. From experience I can tell you this won’t do any good. Your friend already knows she is controlling about food but doesn’t accept it’s enough of a problem that she needs to change. Speaking to her won’t change her mind or attitude.

Just say no and save your money.

You really shouldn’t have enabled her. Why are you letting her take your leftovers? Why did you not tell her to either order some food or not go to the restaurant with you? It’s bothering you, she knows it’s odd, it’s time she understand the impacts it has on her social life. By allowing her abnormal behaviour, she will never get pushed to seek help and change.

She needs help - I would tell her the reasons why you can’t go, and that you hope she is receiving help/seeks help with her obsessions with food.

I lost friends when I was in the throes of my ED, and combined with other events it prompted me to get help. Her life doesn’t have to be like this and hopefully she will find the right support to allow her to break free.

OP I’ve been there with one of my best friends this brings it all back.

The combination of foodie-ism and anorexia is so familiar. The obsession with food, the right kind of food, the right restaurant, the right dish. Talking about food, thinking about food. I’m not that interested in food myself and I resented having my entire life dominated by someone else’s preoccupation.

She used spend hours looking at a menu choose something, then decide she’d chosen the wrong thing; then there was the panicked rush to the kitchen to try to change her order.

It was sooo boring and exhausting. And yes in the end I cba to go away with her or eat meals with her in fact.

I did stage an intervention at one point and she thanked me for being a good enough friend to do so, but it wasn’t until she got so thin she ended up in a clinic that she really engaged with it. She did recover eventually.

If your friend has never had proper treatment I might talk to her DH and possibly stage a joint intervention.

@Dguu6u

You really shouldn’t have enabled her. Why are you letting her take your leftovers? Why did you not tell her to either order some food or not go to the restaurant with you? It’s bothering you, she knows it’s odd, it’s time she understand the impacts it has on her social life. By allowing her abnormal behaviour, she will never get pushed to seek help and change.

Because there is no real reason to say no.

If I have whatever left on my plate and she begins her judgement on leaving food and how wrong it is because people are starving, I do shut her down, usually by telling her it makes no difference to starving people whether my leftovers go into the bin or my stomach. But when she says ‘I’m going to take them home then. I can’t stand leftover food’, if I said ‘no’, she’d ask why, and what do I say?

If I said it was embarrassing she’d say she didn’t care what people think.

I think you should decline and then tell her WHY you don’t want to go away with her. She needs to know that her disordered eating and thoughts are ruining your friendship. You don’t need to be angry and confrontational - be calm but firm. She needs a wake up call (and a psychologist).

Your friend's behaviour around food is extremely sad and disturbing. She obviously has very serious issues around food and control. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to go away with her again. A friend of mine had a friend who was anorexic, and she had to stop going on holiday or even out for dinner with her because it was such a strange, miserable, embarrassing experience

I would suggest being clear with her that you won't be going away with her again, and tell her why. You've had some very good sensitive advice about how to phrase what you say. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, it sounds really upsetting

It’s hard work. We holiday with OH’s family and with the exception of the kids, they all have or have had EDs and there is much disordered eating and control over what the kids eat and it is exhausting and frankly quite disturbing. If it wasn’t for my child getting to spend time with her wider family, I’d not go. If I were you, I’d not go. She may question you and if you’re honest with her it might help her to question her behaviour.

I’d tell her the truth. (Kindly) She will be driving other people away with this batshit behaviour. No way would I go away with her.

Ok. As someone who has had eating disorders I’ll tell you what works have helped me.
I would definitely have been moved to act uf good friend had gently said that they couldn’t cope with how I am around Food, but would be supportive if I got help.

if I said ‘no’, she’d ask why, and what do I say?

you say, kindly but firmly, no i am not carrying food around for the rest of the evening and all the potential for food poisoning that brings. And get the water not to bring the leftovers. But I have very little patience for things like this and it would only happen once

@Brefugee

if I said ‘no’, she’d ask why, and what do I say?

you say, kindly but firmly, no i am not carrying food around for the rest of the evening and all the potential for food poisoning that brings. And get the water not to bring the leftovers. But I have very little patience for things like this and it would only happen once

She’d say ‘I’m carrying it around and it’s me risking food poisoning’, which it is.

In all honesty, I can’t be bothered with the argument about that. The times I put my foot down is when she attempts to tell me what I can eat or buy - that we can’t have avocados in the salad because they’re not locally sourced, or suggesting I don’t need a starter and main because I might leave some.

This sounds absolutely no fun at all. Holidays are supposed to be enjoyable. I would go with someone else or on my own.