To not want to go on holiday with friend due to her eating disorder?

[Backujij]

Or at least what I think is an eating disorder.

I go on holiday with a friend every so often, and she has asked me to join her on a city break later this month. I love her and usually enjoy her company, but her attitude to food has got to the point where I don’t want to go.

If I leave anything on my plate there is a huge fuss made about wasting food. She will have my leftover food boxed up and carry it around for the rest of the evening. Nothing wrong with that if it was substantial, but it’s even if it’s a few carrots or a couple of spoonfuls of soup, and she makes such a big thing of it, always with questions like ‘how much do you waste at home? You should keep anything you don’t finish at home and have it for your next meal until it’s gone’. On one occasion, she took back to our hotel a bit of pie I hadn’t finished, and had the filling for dinner one evening and the pastry the next, and refused to order any dinner while I ate because she’d had the leftovers.

She also decided exactly what restaurants we’re eating in before we arrive on holiday, and there is no leeway. She will quiz the waiters about the food and their suggestions for a lengthy time to find out if it’s local food etc before she orders, and it’s embarrassing. She has woken me up in the morning to show me the menu of where we’re eating that night. She makes a huge fuss of having to have exactly what she wants to eat at exactly where she wants to eat, and never ever consults me. If I offer up alternatives she’ll say (huffily) ‘well we can go there but no, I won’t be eating there. I want something healthier/more local/less expensive/not as touristy’ etc.

Sometimes she’ll come to restaurants she hasn’t chosen, refuse to eat, then ask if she can have people’s leftovers when they’ve finished.

She got so thin at one point that she was hospitalised with exhaustion and told to lay off exercise for a while. I have never asked her about whether she thinks she has an eating disorder, although she did say on our last holiday that she did get too thin at one point.

She knows she’s controlling about food and has asked if it bothers me. I have said it does, but she never changes.

I know that she’s probably ill, but WIBU to refuse to go on holiday with her any more? It’s a shame because otherwise I adore her company and have known her many years, and we live on opposite sides of the country so we really only get to see each other when we go away.

AIBU to stop holidaying with her because of this when it is likely she can’t help it? Should I go and try and be supportive?

Thanks everyone. Good to know that I’m not being entirely heartless.

To address a couple of comments, she does know she has issues (I guess), but when she asked if it bothered me it was in the sense of ‘does the holiday revolving around get on your nerves, because it does on DH’s. Haha, what am I like eh?’ sort of thing.

We have done self catering a number of times too. Same sort of thing happens. Me: ‘shall we get pizza tonight?’ Her: ‘we could, but I’m not eating a takeaway. Let’s go to the shop and buy quality, seasonal products and make our own pizza’. I suppose I give in to keep the peace.

There have only been a couple of times I have snapped. Most memorably in a store where she insisted on only buying local produce so I couldn’t have avocados in the salad we were having for dinner. I bought them anyway.

We just spend so much time looking at food, preparing food, taking about food. It’s so wearing and boring.

Oh dear.

As someone who has suffered from an ED, YANBU. Unfortunately, people in the clutches of an ED can be bloody awful company. It's simular to addicts. I've known a lot of those too. Yes, they're ill, and yes you can support them and sympathise with them, but sometimes it isn't good for the other person to be tied to them for a prolonged period of time, such as going on a city break, just the two of you.

There are other things you can do to be a good friend to her. Don't put yourself through that

@TulipCat

What's done it for me is your comment about her walking round with the leftovers for the rest of the evening. I have visions of her in a nightclub dancing round a box of cold carrots! That is so not normal. I think you're right not to go on holiday with her, you'll be on edge the whole time.

This is what happens. Really nice restaurant, so dressed up nicely, maybe with the theatre or nice bars afterwards, and she carries leftovers around. I cannot stand it, but feel unreasonable to make anything of it, because you get back how bad it is to waste food, the climate change emergency etc.

Holidays are so precious. I wouldn't go with her and I would gently tell her why

"Hi, I'm sorry but our approaches to food and eating out are too different, I think we would just wind each other up."

She needs help. This is extreme and I think you're a saint to have put you with it for so long. I do get irritated when friends consistently over order and leave half their food but don't say anything and no way would I take their leftovers (unless it was meat and I was going home to give to the dogs).

It wouldn't be much of a holiday going with her. More like a crusade.

I've had several friends like this - not the boxing up food stuff, but really picky about restaurants.
I like eating out, and if I go away, eating at nice (not necessarily expensive) restaurants is a big part of what to do in the evening. Worst ever was a week away with someone that would only eat at Wendys burgers, or similar. I wouldn't normally eat there if you paid me, let alone seven nights in a row - we each did our own thing in the end, but there was a lot of pressure on me to get takaways so that we could "eat together"
Holiday from hell - if I'd realised in advance I wouldn't have gone.

if she is so concerned about the climate change emergency, I'm sure she'd feel so much happier staying home.

I have a friend who is v Co trolling with food especially with her children. She has asked me several times if l want to go on holiday with her but l know it would spoils things so always make am excuse and decline.
Yanbu to say no

Don’t go and tell her why: having had my latest holiday ruined by a relative with eating issues I did

You will be doing her a favour as these are all pushes to get help for her ED. She knows she has issues so you tolerating them only helps her minimise

Whether she gets help or not, your time off is meant to be enjoyable and this sounds anything but.

@ThinWomansBrain

if she is so concerned about the climate change emergency, I'm sure she'd feel so much happier staying home.

I think it’s a way of justifying her behaviour to herself.

Don't go. You'll stress beforehand and won't enjoy the build up or the trip. Life's too short.

I agree to changing the way that you meet up to just having a coffee. Although it will be interesting to see if her control just transfers to something else and then you will have to see how you feel. She sounds like she is minimising her problem and perhaps doesn't realise the impact that she is having.

I once went on a group holiday involving my best friend with an eating disorder. It was the main death knell of the friendship.

In this case there was the usual awkward group dynamic of X is vegetarian (few options at that time/ location), Y is on a budget, Z doesn't like this and W doesn't like that. Then the person with an ED who didn't want to eat much trying to control it every night anyway. TBH to do a group holiday again, I think I'd have to have an agreement that some nights we eat together and some nights apart. As a pretty easy to please person, it has rankled through the years that it's always me who compromises and sometimes it's actually nice to get the preference and do something different for myself.

Anyway, EDs are a control mechanism. The whole leftovers thing is mortifying and in reality a futile gesture to saving the planet. It would inevutably suck all the joy out of the trip.

Time for some straight talking, OP. I would have a very blunt talk with her. Tell her that her issues with food are affecting your friendship, that you have had enough and establish some clear boundaries about food. Tell her that you won’t put up with her interfering in or trying to control what you eat, or what you leave. Tell her that you will insist on choosing the restaurant at least some of the time.

If she can agree to your boundaries, you might risk another holiday but in the knowledge that you will have to slap her down hard if she starts again : “Sarah, that’s enough of this nonsense. We talked about this, and we agreed that you wouldn’t be controlling about what I eat. Now leave it. End of.” If you can’t be this blunt with a friend, don’t go.

What changes could make it work for you?

Off the top of my head maybe just do a night or 2, talk to her to get input into where and when you eat but agree to having restaurants pre-booked. Either say in advance that you find the leftovers thing upsetting and you would like to send them back next time, or finish your carrots

Use words like "I find this uncomfortable". Don't get sucked into arguments about what's right and wrong, acknowledge that this stuff is important to her but remind her gently when it affects your feelings.

She sounds like a pain in the arse! I don't know how you've put up with it for this long. Nice food and drink are a big part of a holiday for me. I wouldn't go with someone like this. Life's too short!

I had a friend with similar issues. Her weight would go up and down and she was obsessed with food. We went away(thankfully as part of a large group) and she would be so load her plate up then eat one mouthful and throw her napkin over it. Or she’d be so fussy she’d make ridiculous requests to the waiters. I then scaled back meet ups to just coffee. She too acknowledged what a pain she was in a jokey passive aggressive way, almost goading me to air my grievances about another ruined meet up. I actually don’t see her anymore, it was exhausting. I feel for you but do not put yourself through it anymore.

Tell her

"Sorry, I'm not coming on holiday with you because our differences around food make me completely stressed and miserable. "

If she denies having a food disorder/gaslights you/ tells you it will all be different, you just repeat

" I know what it's like and I'm never doing it again. So there's nothing more to discuss"

Life is the o short for that shit!

Sometimes she’ll come to restaurants she hasn’t chosen, refuse to eat, then ask if she can have people’s leftovers when they’ve finished.

Please tell me you don't mean random strangers at the next table?!

I wouldn't go, as - being quite greedy- eating on holiday is one of the most enjoyable parts. I'd also explain - as gently as I could- why I wouldn't be going, because she needs to know her behaviour is not normal and is putting people off spending time with her.

What would happen if you refused to let them bag up the food for her, or threw it in the bin when you left the restaurant?

Or if you refused to go where she wanted and went somewhere on your own?

She seems to have alot of power over you. Why do you let her?

@FuckThatBullshit

Sometimes she’ll come to restaurants she hasn’t chosen, refuse to eat, then ask if she can have people’s leftovers when they’ve finished.

Please tell me you don't mean random strangers at the next table?!

No, our table. Last time she visited she said she only wanted to eat a specific starter on the day a few of us arranged to go out. Anyway, it wasn’t available on any local menu and none of us wanted to traipse kids into the city for a quick meal, including her, so we suggested local restaurants and pubs. She said to choose anywhere because she only wanted said starter, so would not eat (having suggested we all met for lunch). She didn’t order, but proceeded to eat the kids’ left over sausages, pizza etc. It’s just weird. If you’re hungry enough to eat kids’ leftovers, just order something. But I guess that’s not how it works if you have a eating disorder (which this thread has made me even more certain she does).

The fact she’s asked you actually gives you an IN to be honest with her in a sensitive way,
“I love you to bits but your behaviour around food has become quite extreme and embarrassing that I’m not sure I’d enjoy it sorry.”