Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

[Redheadedgrumpysaurus]

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

Not sure what to say about the OW but with regard to the cat, bloody hell no your daughter should not be made to live with an animal which has such an awful effect on her health .

I really hope your ex agrees. I have no idea how this would play out in court.

Well, she owns the house, so you can't really tell her not to move in, or not to bring her cat. It's her house.

However, you can tell Ex that you will not be sending DD until he makes other arrangements for a place to live.

I feel for you, you’ve been through a lot.

Asking them to not move in is unreasonable but you could ask that the kids only do day visits for a few weeks to see how things go?

The big issue is with the cats. Being allergic to cats, I would not be able survive physically in a place that had cats, even though I love cats. You need to have a serious discussion with ex and OW, separately or together to work out how this is going to work as DD simply can
not live with cats. If I were you; I would also get legal advice. Fully expect OW to say that her cats are very clean, they hoover regularly, cats don’t sleep on the bed yadayada. At the end of the day, none of that helps folks with cat allergies. You don’t have to be the one to suggest re-homing the cats but you can be very firm (ideally with some legal back up) that you can not allow DD to have an immune system attack (ie allergic reaction) every time she is at DFs, and let them find solutions.

Best of luck 🤞🏽

What does your ex say about the cats? When the DC are with him, that’s his responsibility and choice to deal with.
Also, I don’t think you should meet her. Not in the way you are suggesting. Why? You ex’s new life is none of your business, in the nicest possible way.

I don’t think my ex will make other arrangements. Ow is his partner and they are building a future. I just want
That future to work in a way that is comfortable for my kids.

This isn't going to be simple op. She is very very unlikely to rehome her cats.

My cats are my family. She is likely to make many other suggestions other than rejoining them, like DD trying antihistamines, keeping the cats in separate rooms while DD is there. I can't see a cat lover easily agreeing to rehome them. Especially as she owns the house.

Thanks Abaababa - I’m also incredibly allergic to cats. So it’s good to hear the perspective of someone who knows how insufferable a cat allergy can be to deal with which I guess why I’m wanting to push this point… I know how bad it is and don’t want DD to suffer. But if owand ex are serious about their future together and they intend to share the children… which works out to about 6 nights a fortnight then getting rid of the cat seems the most sensible thing to do. I don’t want kids to miss time with their dad because they can’t stay overnight or be at his house. They would really miss spending time with their dad

I don't think you get a say in this.

I think your feelings of hurt are understandable but you are not part if his family any more and you don't get a say it his living arrangements.

@Woollystockings

What does your ex say about the cats? When the DC are with him, that’s his responsibility and choice to deal with. Also, I don’t think you should meet her. Not in the way you are suggesting. Why? You ex’s new life is none of your business, in the nicest possible way.

"What does your ex say about the cats? When the DC are with him, that’s his responsibility and choice to deal with."

Erm, a mother doesn't stop caring, or have a responsibility, for her DC's health just because they are physically somewhere else...It's not as if the consequences of DD's allergies will magically stop when she walks back into DM's house.

Also, the DF clearly has a conflict of interest here, he wants to live with OW, who happens to have cats, and maintain DC visitation.

I understand she owns the house - I think on her part it was incredibly short sighted to do that without considering what might be best for the kids in the long run?

That's true op.

But he's only lived there 6 months, she's never met the kids, and she owns the house.

This might sound unfair to you, but as a cat lover I would absolutely not be rehoming my cats. Not a chance. I would first suggest that DD tries antihistamines, or consider keeping the cats out of the room she would be sleeping in plus the kitchen.

I think you need to consider some other options. And realistically theres not much you can do if she refuses, other than to not send your DD until ex sorts a solution.

Sorry - to be clear ow and cats are currently down south. She leaves the cat with her house mate when she comes up this way. She only stays with ex on the weekends where he doesn’t have the kids.
She doesn’t yet Live with ex and she has not met kids

When I broached the topic of the cat, ex didn’t seem to have much to say. So I thought it is best to chat through with Ow when I meet her to explain how it
Impacts DD and find out if she is prepared to put
DD’s health and comfort first

I don’t think antihistamines are the answer for coping on a day to day basis. That’s not something I would consider as acceptable for my child.

I can't imagine any court saying she can't have the cats/they must be rehomed. If I were her, I'd be moving into the house I owe and exh would need to find alternative accommodation.

Honestly, if she's a cat lover it is likely that she will suggest that your ex finds somewhere else to stay when he sees the kids.

If she owns the property and has never met your kids id be shocked if she's willing to rehome the cat.

I think you need to become more comfortable with the fact that what he does with the kids on his time is not really up to you.

Thanks woolystockings … not meeting ow is not an
Option. She is a stranger to my children and also to me. I would really like to know who is going to be mothering my children in my absence.

Plus if it’s a forever type deal then my children have lots of future events like birthdays, xmases, Easter’s, graduations, weddings ,having their babies etc surely it’s better that all parents can get along, co-parent and be equally present in the kids lives? Meeting and becoming friendly acquaintances seems like a good step forward?

If you want to be on good terms with her and have an amicable relationship then I definitely would not go into this suggesting that she rehomes her cat!

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

I don’t think antihistamines are the answer for coping on a day to day basis. That’s not something I would consider as acceptable for my child.

That’s what I had to do, I was allergic to my cat. It’s not every day is it? Or do they have sole custody…

If she owns the property and has never met your kids id be shocked if she's willing to rehome the cat.-Basically this. You expect to dictate to her what she does in her own home . If you don’t think it’s acceptable that your child take an antihistamine, perhaps you had better discuss with your ex where they will both stay.

Then my point would be - don’t buy a house with the intentions to move in ,or plan a future with a man without fully assessing how this situation would impact all parties.
Most importantly the children.

It sounds like she had bought the house with the intention to move into it at some point soon, and allowed your ex to move in in the meantime. I highly doubt she bought the house with sole purpose of it being for him.

It sounds like your ex will need to look for somewhere else to see the children.

“Most importantly the children.” - To you OP. They aren’t her children.
It would be a firm no from me. The child can take antihistamines. The bedroom they sleep in would be cat and cat hair free. I wouldn’t be expecting to ‘mother’ or ‘parent’ any children either, that’s your exes department.

But realistically the children are probably not the most important factor for her this.

She had spent a very large amount of money on this house. She has never met your kids.

She has probably not yet considered any impact on them. They're not yet involved in her life.

I would suggest going into this in order to keep it amicable to ask that she keeps the cat out of whichever room your DD will be sleeping in. And suggest your ex deep cleans the house before every visit.

And it is his responsibility to do this deep cleaning before DD visits - not hers.

I’ve always thought the same. she has no connections to this time which is a four hour around trip from her current home/ work. So a purchase here seemed strange… and my ex had said he was just paying her mortgage so not anything extra for it to work out as investment for her.

so either he or she or they have been somewhat dishonest. And this should have been made clear .. but they both really should already Have sat down together and talked about the kids / cats etc