Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

[Redheadedgrumpysaurus]

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

No room can be kept "cat hair free" if the cats are indoor cats.
As a person who had two cats and then my DD1 developed extreme allergies to cats (and fir trees and coconut) I tried everything short of rehoming, but in the end rehoming was the only solution.
Before you see your Ex and the OW, you need to talk with your divorce lawyer and find out if you can deny visitation of your DD to the house if the cats are there. If Ex wants to see her, he can make other arrangements.

I'm going to be brutally honest here.

It's very unlikely that this new girlfriend is going to "prioritise" the children.

She's not a mother. She owns the house. A 2.5 year relationship is not particularly long.

Certainly I'm sure she is going to be kind and tolerant to the kids. But she's not their mother. She may not want to do fun days out. She may not always want to hang out with them when they're staying, or act as a family.

I think you need to be realistic here. It's more likely that she is going to want the children to slot into her life, not rearrange her life around them.

You cannot expect someone to re-home a much loved animal!

@Mmmmmmbop90

How old are your kids OP?

This sounds like a nightmare and no way would I let dd go there - hopefully you can sort moving back to your home country where you have support and family

But you wouldn’t have any choice. You can’t say “no way would I let dd go there”.

Ex and her have gotten to know each other for years before deciding to co-habit. Why are the kids not entitled to a little time to get to know her first too? Would any adult move in with a stranger after just a few meetings?

It's your ex's job to make the decisions around whether and when his children should meet his new partner.

You are trying to control a situation that is none of your business.

Unless your ex is putting your DC at risk of harm, you'd be much better expressing your gratitude that they have respected your wishes thus far and support them.

It's also your ex's decision as to how he makes sure his child is kept comfortable in his home and protected from experiencing allergic reactions.

If you start to see or hear evidence that your DD is becoming uncomfortable or distressed by the cat allergy, you could raise the matter then and hopefully your ex will listen and act. If you've been controlling up to that point, they are much less likely to listen to you.

Hell would freeze over before I would re-home my cats.
Weirdly, I am also allergic to cats but I do find exposure reduces the effects. Hence why my own don't bother me.
There will be work around to try first. Occasional use of antihistamines is not an unreasonable compromise.
I think that you have been terribly hurt by this situation but you are trying to control too much here.

OP you need to step right back.

Whether you like it or not the ex’s life is none of your business. Not even the fact that he is planning to introduce his partner to the children. They’re not just your children, they’re his children as well. Will you be happy for him to dictate to you when you meet a new partner? Because what’s good for the goose….

You have no right to meet his partner (she’s not OW, she’s his partner of 2.5 years, whether or not they got together before he left you is now irrelevant, they’re together officially and thus she’s his partner.0 I would absolutely refuse to meet you given how dictatorial you appear to want to be here. As hard as it is you are coming across like the crazy ex.

Similarly with the cat, you have no right to tell her she needs to rehome the cat, or to tell the ex he needs to find somewhere else to meet the kids. You can express concerns tha kids will be in contact with a cat and that you wonder how this will work with allergies, but that’s it.

You cannot withhold the kids until he does as you say.

Incidentally, you’ve never met this woman and yet you know she has a cat? How?

PS, I am an ex wife, and while we all might have an opinion on ex’s new partners, becoming this controlling isn’t on.

And as for the cat allergies.. I get ant to ensure that my daughter isn’t uncomfortable. I don’t know if ex had told her about the allergy. But ow needs to know , and she needs to be fully aware of her serious it
Is before she moves in. Hopefully she will agree that the kids come first. If she doesn’t, then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it

She is very unlikely to rehome her pet for a child she has never met.

If a partner/his ex told me I needed to rehome any of my (four) cats, I would tell them to get rehomed.

Doubly so as its actually her house.

She only messaged me this week..

I’m amazed she has messaged you at all. She probably doesn’t actually want to meet you but is showing some goodwill.

You’ve said many times about asking the girlfriend to not move in so soon, about DDs allergies etc but these are things you need to be talking about with your ex.

They are not her kids and it’s nothing to do with her. It’s for their dad to sort out.
If you think he’s doing something that’s not in their best interests like moving his girlfriend in, moving the cats in etc then it’s him you need to speak to.

Unfortunately you are coming across as quite unreasonable (things like wanting to meet her etc) and this is soon going to get boring for your ex if you’re acting so controlling.

He knows DD has an allergy so that’s for him to sort out. Not you.

If you want to have a good co-parenting relationship then you need to not be so strict with all of the rules. So when you have a genuine concern like her moving in so soon after meeting her, he will be more likely to listen and compromise.

Co-parenting is extremely difficult and the sooner you learn to loosen the reins a bit, the easier it gets.
He’s their parent just as much as you. You need to learn to sit back and let him make his own mistakes.

I don’t really give a toss what ex has told ow. I know what he has done and how he has treated me which was nothing short of emotionally and mentally abusive.. it’s a lot to unpack.

It’s not controlling to ask for the kids to be put first.

I don’t disagree with antihistamines. If it’s an emergency and they are needed but not for the day to day use. Her symptoms are severe… and I will no doubt be having to manage and treat her at home when she returns from her dads so any issues will have to be handled at her dads and here.

If you are planning to move back to your home country then presumably the children would be spending significantly less time with their dad? so if everything was to go a you want it to you'd be asking his girlfriend to rehome her cat for the sake of your child, and then the child would be moving away anyway?

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

I don’t really give a toss what ex has told ow. I know what he has done and how he has treated me which was nothing short of emotionally and mentally abusive.. it’s a lot to unpack.

It’s not controlling to ask for the kids to be put first.

I don’t disagree with antihistamines. If it’s an emergency and they are needed but not for the day to day use. Her symptoms are severe… and I will no doubt be having to manage and treat her at home when she returns from her dads so any issues will have to be handled at her dads and here.

So if she'd like red treating at home afterwards, why are you so against giving her the antihistamine beforehand? Why make her life less comfortable? How serious is the cat allergy? You didn't answer. Has she been in impatient as a result?

Inpatient - is typo.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

I don’t really give a toss what ex has told ow. I know what he has done and how he has treated me which was nothing short of emotionally and mentally abusive.. it’s a lot to unpack.

It’s not controlling to ask for the kids to be put first.

I don’t disagree with antihistamines. If it’s an emergency and they are needed but not for the day to day use. Her symptoms are severe… and I will no doubt be having to manage and treat her at home when she returns from her dads so any issues will have to be handled at her dads and here.

But equally she doesn't have to give a toss about you. You are lucky she has agreed to meet you at all.

You need to co parent with him long term and need to navigate the power balance.

I think there is so much more at play here than the cat.
You’re a woman that has suffered emotional abuse, you’re angry, I get it - you are stuck over here without a local support network whilst he gets to play happy families, cat included.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

I’ll make it clear that medicating the kids is not an option. A clean home doesn’t actually help All that much with cat allergies. If she doesn’t agree to rehome then I will of course seek legal advice and as per suggestions above I would suggest kids do not go. But ex is welcome to take kids out, spend time with them. Just not at his house.

It's absolutely nothing to do with you, though. You have absolutely no right to withdraw contact and tell him he can't have his kids in his own house. And you definitely can't demand that she rehomes her pets

They are his children too. If he wants them to live with his girlfriend and her cats then that's his decision to make, just as you could choose to move in with a man with seven giant dogs if you wanted to.

He's also well within his rights to take DD to a doctor and have her prescribed antihistamines if that's what he wants to do.

Sorry she is/was the other woman.
They were texting. He moved out.
I didn’t see the texts myself. Dd did.
And DD told me that Ow was sending ex links to
Romantic couples retreats..
he has said they were just friends initially but the lines are very blurred.
She will always be Ow to me.

I will no doubt be having to manage and treat her at home when she returns from her dads so any issues will have to be handled at her dads and here.

So if and when that happens, raise it with him and have a sensible conversation. At the moment, you don't even know that there will be an issue.

It's likely that he will just give DD antihistamines while she's there, and this won't end up being a problem.

She will always be Ow to me.

You do know that this has no bearing on how you should respond to the situations that involve your children, don't you.

The more reasonably you can behave, the better it will be for your children.

She has very bad allergies. Eyes itch and swell. Snotty nose. Asthma like symptoms and itchy eczema.

The worst incident she was admitted and on ventillin and then a steroid as it had bought on asthma.

The cat allergy was to blame

How old are the kids?

Your frustration is totally valid but please don't make your DD suffer when it is fixable. There's nothing wrong with taking antihistamines as a preventative, they're not addictive, they just make life nicer for those of us with severe allergies - and if they're that bad, she's going to have to find a way to manage them for the rest of her life anyway or not be able to visit friends etc.

Why should dd be medicated to stay with her dad if that can be avoided?