Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

[Redheadedgrumpysaurus]

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

@PiperPosey

Have you mentioned how old the kids are?

OOPS my bad 13 and 10 sorry

This just seems like a massive fuss over something as small and reasonable as taking an antihistamine. As many people do for all types of allergies.

Asking her to rehome the cat is not a reasonable request, and is very likely to cause huge animosity. It's not a small request to make.

Have you asked DD what she'd rather do? Take a piriton when she goes to see her Dad, or not go to his house at all? At their age they're old enough to understand that the girlfriends feelings and the fact that she owns the property factor into this.

I have known people with serious cat allergies who take the medication and now can be around cats and even have cats of their own. Seems a no brainer to me. She's old enough to remember to take it, there are apps available that will remind her if needs be. The dad doesn't need to be involved in that.

I get that you are hurting and you view this woman in a very certain light but if she's going to be around for a while and you want to parent amicably with your ex then you need to get past this. She doesn't know you, has never met you and yet you are going to start trying to control what happens in her house and suggest she rehomes a presumably much loved animal? Can you not see that that doesn't come across as you 'putting the kids first' it's more like you're trying to pull rank?

I have cat allergies myself. I don’t find any antihistamines to be all that affective and it’s still quite uncomfortable to live with. Of course antihistamines are a great option every once in a while, but I wouldn’t be happy if someone told me to medicate daily to cope with living with an allergy on a day to day basis… and it’s not something I’d suggest to my children.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

Of course I have taught the kids how to use their ventillin. I also got triple the prescription so there is. Set at school, one at mile and one at dads. Dd was 8 when the hospital incident happened. Dad had taken them on holiday and elected not to Pack the meds. And 8yo can’t be held responsible for that.

So no repeats since?

And I would assume, supposition that it was definitely caused by a cat, as opposed to she had an asthma flare up that wasn't treated and then escalated as they so frequently do?
And even if caused by the cat initially, the response so much later, was due to the lacked of medication that you obviously didn't at that time, send her with, presumably expecting that he would. Whereas I would have hoped as a parent of an asthmatic you'd never assume that someone else has her meds. Better two pumps than none.

But better to blame a cat as that certainly is soemthing you can shoot at the "ow" and try to cause ripples....

That’s laughable.

She was with her father in his home and he packed for their holiday whilst they were at his house.

I certainly can not be blamed for not sending her with medicine that I had already provided for his home.

That one is 100% solely on dad. Not me.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

I have cat allergies myself. I don’t find any antihistamines to be all that affective and it’s still quite uncomfortable to live with. Of course antihistamines are a great option every once in a while, but I wouldn’t be happy if someone told me to medicate daily to cope with living with an allergy on a day to day basis… and it’s not something I’d suggest to my children.

I presume that you're not a medical professional? Because this is exactly what they do advise. The alternative, to be blunt, is a dead asthmatic. I presume you're aware than 3 asthmatics die a day - many have not been taking the appropriate medication for the conditions.

OK.. Now that I have read all of the posts.
Yes you are being unreasonable.
I personally think that you are so hurt by the deception you are going to attempt to control your ex with spending time in his home with the kids through the cats.
Medicate during visits.
You've established you want to meet her...and have the kids meet her 4x. Yep controlling...sorry I'm just calling it as I see it.
You are hurt and angry and weaponizing your ex. I see it in your posts as many of us have.

I think you absolutely are being controlling and a bit weird, I don’t think this is a normal set up at all. Weird you want to meet her first, even weirder you expect her to give up her beloved cats for your DD who she has never met. She owns the home so won’t give up her cats, it’s her house. It’s also up to your ex to decide whether DD is given antihistamines when she is in his care and I have no idea why you’re so against them, they’re a perfectly reasonable and safe thing to take.

But what you feel or think isn't necessarily what a medical professional would agree with, or a barrister if you were to go to court.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

@ fairylightsandwaxmelts No those suggestions were from posters and I said that if they don’t put the kids first then yes. I will look to do that

But you don't have the right to do that.

You would need to apply to court - you don't get to just keep your kids away from their dads' house like that.

And for clarity, DD confirmed they had spent time at ex’s Cousins home who has cats .. ex told me that night she was struggling. I suggested the two pumps
Ventillin. He said he hadn’t taken any… I suggested he take her to a chemist / GP. He flat out refused disagreeing it was serious. Then he had to take her to the out of hours for treatment. … defo cat related and defo dads fault again.

Look, it doesn’t really matter if your ex forget the antihistamine medication once. That’s in the past. He made a mistake but it still turned out ok. He’s human. You need to focus on you. You are making a mistake here - big time - and the effects of your mistake are likely to be much more longer- lasting and damaging than his if you carry on with this attitude.

But…that was when she was eight? Is that right? Why are you still dwelling on that?

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

And for clarity, DD confirmed they had spent time at ex’s Cousins home who has cats .. ex told me that night she was struggling. I suggested the two pumps Ventillin. He said he hadn’t taken any… I suggested he take her to a chemist / GP. He flat out refused disagreeing it was serious. Then he had to take her to the out of hours for treatment. … defo cat related and defo dads fault again.

As I said, the cat may have started the cycle. The problem was the lack of medication which is on both of the parents. He was foolish, naive. You equally don't take them and now the conditions serious enough. You cannot say its potentially life threatening, but say you refuse her antihistamines and don't ensure she has her ventolin as minimum at all times.

My parents have my child's meds, yet still if my child goes out with them I pack more. It's the responsible thing to do.
. I hope you at least take that away from this thread.

As I said there is a lot to unpack. And it’s difficult to
Post a full clear picture without writing a full thesis. To put it simply. He has form for being incredibly careless , thoughtless. It’s not a case of just forgetting the mds one time. It’s not actually taking her allergies seriously despite the very reality. Which puts DD in an uncomfortable position.

Then and now - typo.

Sorry OP but I think you are expecting to have way too much influence over everything here, especially after 2.5 years apart. IF he did cheat then he's waited a very fair amount of time without introducing her to the kids.

I think you should focus on the most important issue, which is the cat allergy. I would be reminding your ex about that and asking him to come up with a plan as to how it will work (assuming his gf will be bringing the cats).

Other than that, I don't think you should try and bring up the other things as it's ultimately up to your ex when he wants to move in with his partner and introduce your kids, and I think if you assume you have much influence over this after all this time you'll be disappointed and end up winding yourself up more.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

As I said there is a lot to unpack. And it’s difficult to Post a full clear picture without writing a full thesis. To put it simply. He has form for being incredibly careless , thoughtless. It’s not a case of just forgetting the mds one time. It’s not actually taking her allergies seriously despite the very reality. Which puts DD in an uncomfortable position.

It’s not actually taking her allergies seriously despite the very reality.

which is what you're doing too

Which puts DD in an uncomfortable position.

But she’s 13. She knows she needs her medication with her. You initial posts gave the impression your DC were virtually pre-schoolers.

I thought I made this very clear

I sent my child to her fathers with her meds.. and the instructions from the GP on how to administer. I played my part.

He chose not to take the meds or use the meds preventatively.

In one breath I’m being told im controlling. And
In the other im being told im jointly responsible for her flare up when I wasn’t bloody present, not responsible for packing his car…
It’s rediculous.

She is 10. Not 13

I am being blunt but I mean it kindly . You are a mother first so act like one. Take your daughter to a GP discuss the cat allergy and get some medication ( millions of kids do it ) care about her suffering with any cat not just the OW cat and teach her how to take allergy tablets when needed. She is getting older will visit friends houses with cats etc. The rest is all irrelevant - be a mother first and step up. Your need to control is overshadowing everything - and yes I do get it - my ex has another woman. Live goes on.

And Presently we do not own cats. Ex and his family do not have cats. There is no need to be using antihistamines currently as she isn’t around cats all that often for flare ups to be a regular thing.

My fear is that will change if ow moves in with the cats.

I think you need to move forward with this situation on the understanding that the GF will be bringing the cats.

And decide how to manage the situation from there.