Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

[Redheadedgrumpysaurus]

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

When your children are with your ex, he gets to make the decisions about who they meet and whether they are exposed to animals they are allergic to. It's up to him to work out whether there should be no-go zones for the cats in their home so your DD is protected.

So far, he has respected your wishes but he is not obliged to continue to do so. I wouldn't try withholding contact unless your child becomes very unwell as a result of the allergy and you have medical evidence.

I think you need to back off a bit and leave your ex to parent during their contact time with him.

The OP is not trying to dictate what the OW does with her own home.

If the OW wants to live with OP's X and the children surely she has the duty to accommodate the children in a healthy and safe environment. And Ex surely must realize that his daughter cannot live with cats and to make his plans accordingly.

Cat allergies are very troublesome and difficult to control. I am allergic to cats and have been all my life. Many times people have tried to "fool" me into not having a reaction by not telling me there is a cat in a home. It usually takes me about 10 minutes before my eyes are itching and my asthma is flaring. Cat dander is everywhere.

Taking medication all the time is obviously not the answer.

My DGF in the last years of his life had a cat he was very close to. He brought it to our family home for Christmas. I slept in my parent's camper rather than in the house and still had to go to emergency Christmas Day.

I truly wish I could have a cat.

I am surprised your ex’s new DP has agreed to meet you before she is allowed to meet your DC . What happens if you don’t like her ?
And no you can’t ask/tell her to rehome her cat .

As others have said you can't ask her to re-home her cat from her own home, especially given the children won't even be there full time.

Your ex and the children will need to find a different solution, if you and your ex agree antihistamines are unacceptable, then I guess they will be staying elsewhere or not visiting as much.

You can’t demand that she rehomes her cat. It’s her house. I think you just need to see how your daughter gets on and if it becomes a problem, you and your ex need to cross that bridge between you, if and when it comes to it. His access to your kids is for you and him to sort out.

Re all the other stuff you mentioned - I can see why all this is upsetting, but your marriage ended two and a half years ago and I think for your own sake and for the sake of your kids you need to accept that your ex is going to be in a relationship.

You have no right to meet her.... at all.
You can only put in writing about the effect on your child of living with a cat, get the gp to provide an allergy certificate. Then you can talk to a solicitor and withhold contact if your child is sick. The Girlfirend does not have to do anything to do with or for you.

I had similar except my ex deliberately bought two cats knowing full well his daughter is allergic. Hers is a mild allergy but still. He's not very clean either or on top of housework so DD just doesn't really go round there - she's never stayed over and never will, and sees her dad once a month when he usually takes her for dinner and shopping. I wouldn't allow extended contact in the house and I dont think a court would enforce it.

To be clear … it’s a home she owns that she rented to my ex. My kids each have their own bedroom and have lived 45% at that house with their dad for the past 6 months.
She doesn’t live there yet. Is only planning to move in within the next few months. Irrespective of ownership, the kids view that home as their home too. They won’t really understand that she owns it. So can just move in.. without getting to know them at a comfortable pace first. I think at least the kids are entitled to that. She is someone they have never met.. a stranger. I just want the integration to be less sudden. And work at a speed that the kids feel comfortable with.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have a conversation about my child’s allergies and how a cat around could be problematic. If she is serious about my ex , then I think the kids come hand in hand with that. Then seeing their dad less or be medicated to stay there seems unfair to them?

What do you consider to be a comfortable pace ? Is it not up to their father to make that decision?

I sympathise but I think you’re being unreasonable and I think your expectations in terms of how much input you’re entitled to have here are pretty unrealistic.

I’d strongly suggest you do not request that she rehome her cats. That discussion is not going to end well for you.

Also as for meeting her. My ex and I are trying to do-parent amicably and this is something we both agreed. I accept the marriage is over… definitely don’t want him back. I’m absolutely bitter about many things but I don’t actually let that impact the relationship the kids have with their dad, nor do I use it as a tool against him. If anything I’m pretty fair and reasonable.

The cat thing / moving slow are the two big things as they both will directly affect the kids.

Otherwise I’d like to know how to build a good co-parent relationship with Ow as she will likely be a fixed person in the kids lives moving forward. I think
It’s best that we find a way to be friendly and get a long then be complete strangers

What will you suggest if she refuses to rehome the cats op?

I must say I don't think you're being very realistic about this. She is likely to do anything to avoid rehoming them, as most cat lovers would.

She will probably suggest medication or keeping your DD away from the cats. I think your ex needs to rethink this.

Moving slow to me would be fun days out, lunches out… getting to know each other in a mutual setting. Rather than her suddenly staying full time, overnights and being there everything the kids are there. I think for the kids ( and her) the latter would be a bit uncomfortable. She’s not a mum…I can Imagine the change will be full on her for Her too.

Also all the stuff about them being dishonest about the reasons for the house purchase etc? None of your business. They don’t have to keep you in the loop with their life decisions.

Op the house belongs to her. You have no right to dictate the speed at which she moves in or what pets she has. You also have no right to meet her if she doesn't want to meet you. You sound very intense and controlling. If you carry on like this you will ruin any chances of an amicable co parenting relationship and it's your children that will suffer. If you truly want what's best for him then you need to back off and trust that your ex will take adequate care of them.

Erm, a mother doesn't stop caring, or have a responsibility, for her DC's health just because they are physically somewhere else.

A mother may and will care, but when the DC are with their father, the mother does not have responsibility for them. The father does. He takes responsibility for their health. Unless he is neglectful or abusive - and a court has to decide that.

The OP has absolutely no right at all to see or meet the new wife/partner. If the father deems it’s OK for the children to meet her and stay over, that is his choice and responsibility.

I’ll make it clear that medicating the kids is not an option. A clean home doesn’t actually help
All that much with cat allergies.
If she doesn’t agree to rehome then I will of course seek legal advice and as per suggestions above I would suggest kids do not go. But ex is welcome to take kids out, spend time with them. Just not at his house.

I think you need to be cautious. They have so far been very gracious in allowing you the say they have.

They didn't have to allow you to meet her. They didn't have to allow you a day in if she could or could not meet the kids and you would never have a say on wether she could or could not move in. Unless there is a dangerous drip feed.

The cat issue is going to have to be something Dad works out. Do you know the breed of the cat?

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

I’ll make it clear that medicating the kids is not an option. A clean home doesn’t actually help All that much with cat allergies. If she doesn’t agree to rehome then I will of course seek legal advice and as per suggestions above I would suggest kids do not go. But ex is welcome to take kids out, spend time with them. Just not at his house.

And again you do not get to veto medication during dads time.

If her lease runs out soon presumably she will be moving into the house then, so if you want things to move slower it sounds as though the kids will need to visit him less for a while.

You can't really tell her not to be in her own property.

I think you're onto a losing battle with the cat situation.

Is there a reason that she hasn’t met the children in the 2.5 years she’s been with your ex?

Regarding the cat I would bring it up with your exh not the ow.

But ex is welcome to take kids out, spend time with them. Just not at his house.

Just for a second imagine someone telling you that you couldn't spend time with your own children in your own house. See how ridiculous that is. You need to accept that you aren't the one in control of this.

No court is going to ban his contact or declare that she must rehome her pet.

It sounds like it would be a better idea for your ex to find his own house or flat.

To suggest that the new partner should rehome her cats is overstepping the line by a long way. You may of course discuss your concern with your ex and see what he says.

But ex is welcome to take kids out, spend time with them. Just not at his house.

It’s not your choice, though. The father can do whatever he wants with his own children. You can’t say he can’t have them to his own house!