Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

[Redheadedgrumpysaurus]

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

If you wanted them to get to know her at a comfortable pace, then perhaps you shouldn’t have effectively blocked her from meeting them until now by insisting on her meeting you first. Thats on you, for putting this off until you can’t any longer.

She’s unlikely to get rid of her cat for anyone - but again, you’d have more luck with that if she actually knew the children at this point.

I've had my oldest cat for 11 years.

In this situation I'd be suggesting that the ex finds his own house.

I would not rehome my loving pet and companion for a man I'd only known 2.5 years, and for his children that I had never met.

Has he even told her about the cat allergy? Keep the discussions with her friendly and dignified. Put the emphasis on him to sort out the cat situation. Document any reactions when dd has met the cat. Use that with solicitors letters to negotiate for a different visiting regime. Keep any discussions with her friendly as you want her to see you as reasonable. He has probably told her loads of stories about how irrational you are.

Op you are on a hiding to nothing thinking you can control all these things. Your ex
Has a equal say around what happens your kids and he has accommodated you this far but I'll bet any money when the op moves in she will put her foot down about your ruling the roost .
Anyway you don't want to here that and you I'm honestly not sure why you posted as you are totally convinced that you are right so why look for opinions.

Erm no. I have not blocked any meeting.

I suggested the meet last year when ex told me they were official/he was renting a house. He was in full support of a meet as he also wants to ensure that all parties get ok, and can co-parent.

Ex suggested the meet happen before she collected the keys. Ex never arranged it.

At Xmas, ex mentioned she was moving in in May when lease expires. He asked when I was free to a meet up. I asked him to get her to text me.

She only messaged me this week.. and I agreed yes but on the first available date.

I’ve absolutely NOT been controlling or blocking of her in anyway.

He has probably told her loads of stories about how irrational you are.

Well, on present evidence, the OP actually is irrational. It’s Understandable maybe, but irrational all the same.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

I don’t think antihistamines are the answer for coping on a day to day basis. That’s not something I would consider as acceptable for my child.

I have severe allergies, including cats and this is exactly the advice from my respiratory consultant for the asthma it causes and my allergist. Likewise, my lo has to do the same.

So, as much as its unpalatable to you, I imagine that to the ow this will go down like a lead balloon and be like your ex being told to get rid of one of the children!

I've had my cat for 19, nearly 20 years. There's no way I'd be rehoming him.

I think they've been very reasonable so far in even entertaining the idea of you getting to know exDH's gf before she meets his children. They were no way obliged to do that.

Given that I think your other expectations regarding the schedule of when she moves in and the cat problem are very unrealistic and will risk a souring of relations.

By all means tell your ex that he needs to plan properly for contact with DD when the cat moves in, that if she ends up having to have medical treatment due to her allergy you will hold him entirely responsible and you will look to go to court to enforce that she shouldn't be around cats or whatever consequence you feel is appropriate

BUT it is not the gf's responsibility, any of this. And I think they will take a very dim view of you trying to tell them that it is.

You said she leaves the cats with her housemate when she visits - if she would rehome them then it would be ideal to thrash it out now, as then the cats might have the option of staying in their home, if not with their owner?
I couldn’t give up a cat tbh but would have recognised the potential issue early on - cats before men really, more than kids 🤦🏻‍♀️ .
I would expect your ex has mentioned his daughter’s very severe cat allergy surely - and it’s up to him to sort that out.
If ow really wants a relationship with your ex long term and also with the kids then she knows she has has a tough decision to make.
I appreciate your concern but really you can’t be asking or telling her what to do with her pets but your ex absolutely should be doing so - perhaps he already has?

Do your DD's allergies also flare when she's around people who have been around cats, even if the cat itself isn't present?

Because honestly, while I understand your reluctance to medicate to a point, finding the right antihistamines for me changed my own life massively. Meant I wasn't snotty and sniffling all day at work - two of the ladies I shared an office with at one point had pets and my body was extremely aware of this. My friends mostly have pets, and did when I was younger too, and I loved horse riding, but my allergies and hayfever, which is unavoidable, got in the way of life. It was miserable. It took till my late twenties to find one that worked, but antihistamines also meant I slept better due to not constantly itching and leaking snot and scratching my eyes and elbows all bloody night, and eventually meant I could have cats of my own. I can also now visit and stay with friends and family without knowing I'll need recovery time afterwards.

It seems a bit unfair to condemn your DD to this wider issue, if her allergies are controllable with medication, even if it's taken intermittently. It would be really good to think about ways you can mitigate this for your DD and perhaps improve her wider social and work life later on, too. Life is so much easier and more pleasant when my allergies are controlled.

Disclaimer - if there's a medical reason she can't have antihistamines then by all means disregard all of that!

There is also no way in hell I'd re-home my cats for someone else's kid in my own house, they're my family and I'd be booting the dad out first

I'd sooner ditch a boyfriend of 2 years than my cat!

And it’s not about ruling the roost. It’s about ensuring the kids are prioritised.

Ex and her have gotten to know each other for years before deciding to co-habit. Why are the kids not entitled to a little time to get to know her first too? Would any adult move in with a stranger after just a few meetings? Most would probably not.

And as for the cat allergies.. I get ant to ensure that my daughter isn’t uncomfortable. I don’t know if ex had told her about the allergy. But ow needs to know , and she needs to be fully aware of her serious it
Is before she moves in. Hopefully she will agree that the kids come first. If she doesn’t, then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it

Honestly don't understand why you wouldn't consider antihistamines. It's exactly what a doctor or allergist would suggest.

I think you are too involved in their relationship.

You and your DH are broken up.
They’ve been together 2.5 years which is a decent amount of time before meeting the kids.

You absolutely cannot ask someone to rehome their cat.

I think you are right that this has been planned for a long time which I too would be annoyed at but honestly you need to back off a bit.

I don’t understand why you need to meet this women before your kids meet her?
What is the reason?

@Woollystockings

He has probably told her loads of stories about how irrational you are.

Well, on present evidence, the OP actually is irrational. It’s Understandable maybe, but irrational all the same.

This was my exact thought ready this. I don't think this is going to be a smooth ride.

If the kids don’t know that their dad has a new girlfriend they need to meet her ASAP as I agree it wouldn’t be fair to them to go to his house and find out another women’s living there who they’ve never heard about.

I’d reiterate to exh daughter’s allergy and let him sort it.

Wait and see, my husband is severely allergic to certain cats so you don’t even know if said cat would cause a reaction.

I think she’s being super reasonable, she’s agreed to meet you one to one and is likely to feel nervous and awkward - don’t lead this meeting by asking her to re home her cat.
If there is a problem your exh can deal with it (he has respected your wishes so far so surely will have the best interest for his daughter)

How old are your kids OP?

This sounds like a nightmare and no way would I let dd go there - hopefully you can sort moving back to your home country where you have support and family

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

And it’s not about ruling the roost. It’s about ensuring the kids are prioritised.

Ex and her have gotten to know each other for years before deciding to co-habit. Why are the kids not entitled to a little time to get to know her first too? Would any adult move in with a stranger after just a few meetings? Most would probably not.

And as for the cat allergies.. I get ant to ensure that my daughter isn’t uncomfortable. I don’t know if ex had told her about the allergy. But ow needs to know , and she needs to be fully aware of her serious it
Is before she moves in. Hopefully she will agree that the kids come first. If she doesn’t, then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it

As someone who has been hospitalised as a result, has your daughter ever be hospitalised as a result of her cat allergy?

If she really is that seriously impacted, as opposed to cats being one of a number of things she's allergic to, then I really do think that you're overegging this pudding and that actually it verges on negligence if you blanket rule out the medication that would make her quality of life so much higher.
I have a combo yera round antihistamines, rhinitis medication on top of my very strong asthma medication. And I can, with this, go into my sibling's home for coffee. Without it, I'm hospitalised!

I do hope you don’t refer to your ex’s girlfriend as OW in front of the children .

Are you hoping by asking the new girlfriend to rehome her cat she will instead finish the relationship and not move in with him?

@vampirewellness

I'd sooner ditch a boyfriend of 2 years than my cat!

Snap.

I've got four. I can't imagine a situation that I would willingly give them up. My cats are part of my family. If my partner of two years didn't want to live with them, then he wouldn't be living with me.

The relationship could continue but we wouldn't be able to live together.

Hopefully she will agree that the kids come first.

She won’t agree, though, probably. The kids come first to you and their father. She is not their parent and doesn’t have to be involved in any co-parenting at all. Her cats are likely to be as children to her - they will come first.

I have two girls myself and can completely and utterly understand your desire to control this, OP.

But you can’t. That’s the difficulty when you separate. That’s why I have friends who are staying with their horrible husbands.