Name change for this one:
Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:
My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.
Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)
Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).
Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.
breathe
Here is where I’m stuck.
On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.
Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.
But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.
So. Bloody hell.
How do I proceed with this?
What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?
How involved should she be with my children?
Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?
And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)
Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)
Also another random question..
DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?
Any suggestions : advice welcome.