Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

354 replies

Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 20:23

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 22:38

13 and 10

OP posts:
grapewines · 04/03/2022 22:39

@KylieKoKo

But ex is welcome to take kids out, spend time with them. Just not at his house.

Just for a second imagine someone telling you that you couldn't spend time with your own children in your own house. See how ridiculous that is. You need to accept that you aren't the one in control of this.

This. You can't demand that. You also can't tell someone to give up their pets.
vampirewellness · 04/03/2022 22:39

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

Why should dd be medicated to stay with her dad if that can be avoided?

I mean he could just give DD the antihistamines himself.

Which is the sensible thing to do all round. Thousands of people take them daily for allergies.

How will you control whether or not he gives her antihistamines while she's there, even if you don't agree?

ChoiceMummy · 04/03/2022 22:42

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

She has very bad allergies. Eyes itch and swell. Snotty nose. Asthma like symptoms and itchy eczema.

The worst incident she was admitted and on ventillin and then a steroid as it had bought on asthma.

The cat allergy was to blame

Then, as I said, your refusal if it's so severe, verges on negligence/abusive.

If she's so sensitive, then even being close to friends at school with cats could potentially set her off.

Now, of course, if you're perhaps intending to overemphasise/overstate this situation with the "ow", that's one thing if you're trying to point score. But, why if this isn't the case wouldn't you be doing best by your daughter? And yes, antihistamines would be best!

Josette77 · 04/03/2022 22:43

You are putting your need to control above what is best for your kids.
They need to see their dad, and antihistamines will keep dd healthy. That is a simple fix.
She is not the parent. She is going to put her family ie.cat first

Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 22:43

Ex has never given the kids any medicines.

He once avoided taking DD to a chemist
Or Gp for ventillin when he took her away on holiday go Cornwall as it would be to disruptive to the holiday.

He ignored my advice for a good 24 hours. she ended up being admitted to hospital and staying overnight. He then conveniently never mentioned it to me and DD told me when she was home next.

I can’t say I trust him to make good decisions for either kid.

OP posts:
Woollystockings · 04/03/2022 22:44

It might be hard to read, but can’t you see that are you are not putting your children first? They should be your priority. That means enabling a relationship with their father.

ChoiceMummy · 04/03/2022 22:44

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

Why should dd be medicated to stay with her dad if that can be avoided?
Primarily because the children will be blending with the ow and her "family".

Why would you be so adamant that you'd refuse your daughter potentially lifesaving medication? Yet accept you'd need to trwat afterwards?

You sound like you cannot put the best needs of your children first, rather than your relationship woes. You need to separate the two.

hilariousnamehere · 04/03/2022 22:44

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

Why should dd be medicated to stay with her dad if that can be avoided?
Because if her allergies are that bad she is probably going to need to tackle it with medication at some point in order to have a normal life (work, social, etc) as a large number of people have pets.

I guess my point is that I do understand your frustration, but is this the hill to die on when she's going to have to deal with the allergies at some point anyway? Presumably you don't want her to restrict her social life and only be able to socialise with pet-free people forever?

Branleuse · 04/03/2022 22:44

Op, they are his children, and youve broken up. You dont get a say in any of this stuff so youre going to have to suck it up. Remind your ex that the cat allergy is a looming issue and to have a think about how he will manage that.
Other than that I feel youre overstepping and intrusive.
The best coparenting strategy for me is when kids are with their dad, thats his business and between them and him. I have the same respect in return for when theyre with me

EachandEveryone · 04/03/2022 22:44

Is your daughter 13? Isnt that old enough to know when she starts reacting to take the puriton? I thought they were 4 and 5 they way you described them.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 04/03/2022 22:44

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

Why should dd be medicated to stay with her dad if that can be avoided?
Because she has a right to see her dad.

If her dad has cats and chooses to give her antihistamines while in his care, there nothing you can do about it.

But believe me, if you start withdrawing contact (or restricting where you think it can take place) and demanding people re-home their pets, the courts will take a very very dim view of your actions.

I totally get it's not nice to feel like you're losing control of your kids but unfortunately this is part of being separated from your child's' father. You no longer get a say in what goes on in his house.

ChoiceMummy · 04/03/2022 22:46

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

Ex has never given the kids any medicines.

He once avoided taking DD to a chemist
Or Gp for ventillin when he took her away on holiday go Cornwall as it would be to disruptive to the holiday.

He ignored my advice for a good 24 hours. she ended up being admitted to hospital and staying overnight. He then conveniently never mentioned it to me and DD told me when she was home next.

I can’t say I trust him to make good decisions for either kid.

And even more so, if this is the situation, you should be empowering your children and then means them taking responsibility for the antihistamines, preventer medicines and reliever. That's basic parenting and should be happening for all trips from your home.
PiperPosey · 04/03/2022 22:46

Have you mentioned how old the kids are?

hilariousnamehere · 04/03/2022 22:46

And if you're going to treat her for it when she gets home, just give her the bloody meds before she goes - why let her suffer more?!

But I also think pps may have a point that the cat is a red herring...

vampirewellness · 04/03/2022 22:47

If DD is 13 she's old enough to choose to take the medication if she feels poorly!

Simply ask DH to buy some before they visit.

In 3 years she'll be 16 and will be able to decide herself whether or not she wants to visit/stay overnight with him/take antihistamines.

She might end up loving the cat!

Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 22:47

I don’t know why people assume Im blocking access or being controlling.

There is no current legal arrangement. He has the kids 6 nights a fortnight on nights he choose that we’re most convenient for him. It’s a bit baffling that posters would suggest I’m less the accommodating or difficult.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2022 22:49

You would be better spending the money for legal advice on some decent therapy.

I’m interested though, given you’ve never met this woman and haven’t even spoken to her until this week, how do you know so much about her i.e. the fact she has a cat?

Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 22:50

Of course I have taught the kids how to use their ventillin. I also got triple the prescription so there is. Set at school, one at mile and one at dads.
Dd was 8 when the hospital incident happened. Dad had taken them on holiday and elected not to
Pack the meds. And 8yo can’t be held responsible for that.

OP posts:
PiperPosey · 04/03/2022 22:50

OP
If an ex asked me to rehome my dogs.....
I would say take my kidney instead...Ain't no way...

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 04/03/2022 22:50

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

I don’t know why people assume Im blocking access or being controlling.

There is no current legal arrangement. He has the kids 6 nights a fortnight on nights he choose that we’re most convenient for him. It’s a bit baffling that posters would suggest I’m less the accommodating or difficult.

Because you've said more than once that you don't want him to have his kids at his own house (once his girlfriend moves in) but that you'll "allow" him to see them out of the home.

That's not your choice. You don't get to allow anything when it's his time with them.

Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 22:50

I know about the cat as ex told the kids.

Kids told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 22:52

@ fairylightsandwaxmelts
No those suggestions were from posters and I said that if they don’t put the kids first then yes. I will look to do that

OP posts:
Actupfishy · 04/03/2022 22:53

Because you are happy for him to have any contact he’d like without the new girlfriend on the scene.

I get from your posts that you are still actually really hurt about your break up and the fact that you feel he’s tried to pull the wool over your eyes, you’re holding onto the cat issue to broach directly with the new girlfriend as you want to still exert some control that you feel you’ve lost.

I don’t blame you, I’d probably feel exactly the same, but in all honestly - piriton isn’t the end of the world and if she has such severe allergies I’m sure she’ll (unfortunately) come accustom to having to use it

Original poster
Redheadedgrumpysaurus · 04/03/2022 22:53

I know about the cat because ex told the kids, and the kids told me

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread