Aibu to ask her to rehome the cat?

[Redheadedgrumpysaurus]

Name change for this one:

Can I please have advice/uggestions from mums who deal with step mums and vice versa:

My ex left me for another woman about 2.5 years ago. There is no evidence he cheated, but the lines feel very blurry. She wasn’t the sole blame. Ex and I weren’t a good fit anyway. He was actually not very kind/compromising and I actually feel quite bitter towards him about his behaviour towards me during the relationship and
Also for how difficult he has been to co-parent with (eg not sticking to agreed timescales / no shows..). He generally doesn’t like me and so has never been very considerate of me. Which has been quite a hard pill to swallow as OW seems to have had a very opposite experience.

Adding insult to injury, I moved to this country for my ex and am Incredibly isolated , no family. I’ve had legal advice and I am unlikely to get a ruling in my favour if tried to battle it out to move home to my country with kids. (Which is very obviously the only thing I want to do)

Anyway There is a quite a back story here but 6 months ago, Ow bought a house for ex to live in.. I always had a feeling that there was more to the story or some end game as it seemed a very generous offer. But ex was adamant he was just renting from her with no intentions of anything else. She has never met our children. And ex has so far respected my wishes to allow me to meet her first before she meets our children.
Though my second request which was to introduce the kids slowly over time. Eg let them build a friendship so any transition or change in the family dynamic was comfortable for the kids (and I guess for her too).

Anyway low and behold, her lease is now due to expire and so the natural progression is that she moves in with the ex. This is to take place in about two months. And so OW and ex are now pushing for me to meet her so that she can push forward with moving in and meeting kids. And so I have agreed to meet her for coffee in two weeks time.

breathe

Here is where I’m stuck.

On one hand - I’m really struggling with this. My ex has not been discreet with making any comparison between her and I. Which on top of many big hurts during our relationship, makes me feel pretty inferior, insignificant. My feelings are really hurt. And I can’t help but draw comparisons too … which make me feel bitter, jealous and insecure.

Further to that…. I’m not happy. I feel they always intended for this and that the truth has been drip fed. Which bothers me a lot. Ex only really has the kids
Every other weekend, and then most Monday nights, and every other Thursday night. But ow works down south so I presume she won’t travel back and forth during the week as we’re a 4 hour round trip away. So
I guess she will meet the kids just 4 times before moving in. Anyway if this was always the plan - I just don’t understand why they didn’t try to arrange for this sooner so that the kids had more time to adjust. Two months just doesn’t feel soon enough.
And as much as I hate to admit it, I am feeling really insecure about her developing a relationship
With my kids. Which I guess is natural.

But then on the other hand I know he has made a choice; it sounds like it’s for the long haul and so the best thing I can do for the kids is accept it, and play my part to make things easy for them.

So. Bloody hell.

How do I proceed with this?

What sorts of things do say / ask when we meet?

How involved should she be with my children?

Is it possible to build a good co-parenting relationship with the ow?

And How do I separate the anger and disappointment I feel towards him for things he did from any negative feelings I have about ow? (I know she isn’t too blame)

Aibu to ask her to not move in so quickly to give my kids more time to know her? (After all , she has worked with Ex for 5 years and they have dated for 2.5 years… if he and her didn’t move in together after just four dates.. why should my kids be put in that position?)

Also another random question..

DD is alergic to cats . Brings out terrible eczema; hayfever, asthma and generally makes her feel uncomfortable. Snotty nose, red bleary itchy eyes, raspy breathing and itchy throat. Ow has cats. Would it be unreasonable to ask that the cat be rehomed before she moves in with my ex? Or is this really over the top?

Any suggestions : advice welcome.

The outcome would be that the children obviously don’t go to a home that could potentially trigger an
Asthma attack…and if Ex continues to still disregard the allergies then , contact limited until he can be sensible (or DD is old enough to take care of herself)

@lady089

I didn't say that but go ahead and choose to misunderstand. I absolutely expect the child's father to not make his daughter live in an unsafe environment. Would you choose to live an environment that made you ill for half of your life?And you'd force that on a child?

I said he either needs to find a new place to live OR speak with his partner about her cat. He does not HAVE to live with his new partner if she doesn't want to get rid of her cat. And yes, many people with bad cat allergies do not go over to friends or families houses that trigger their allergies. The child has no choice in the matter. She needs to be protected by her parents. Why is it so hard to understand this?

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

The outcome would be that the children obviously don’t go to a home that could potentially trigger an Asthma attack…and if Ex continues to still disregard the allergies then , contact limited until he can be sensible (or DD is old enough to take care of herself)

There we go then.

But you can't make her get rid of her cat so get over it

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

The outcome would be that the children obviously don’t go to a home that could potentially trigger an Asthma attack…and if Ex continues to still disregard the allergies then , contact limited until he can be sensible (or DD is old enough to take care of herself)

You do realise that any home could trigger an attack?

I once had an attack as a result of drinking a hit drink and eating a cold apple simultaneously. Should I ban these in every home I enter?

Your daughter needs empowering to manage her condition. Understand how to treat it. Recognise signs etc. Know to take antihistamines etc. Getting her to use an air purifier and open her windows at her dad's. Make sure she knows to wash her hands after all contact with it and not allow in her room, on her bed etc.

Now bearing in mind that ex has been with her before you split, so would have cat dander transferred from "ow" to him, your daughter's not suffered an attack as a consequence. That's reassuring that her allergy is not as serious as you believe.

When you approach this with their father I'd suggest from a perspective of good hmcst hygiene, so not in bedrooms, ventilation, pet hoovering daily minimum, the special cat food that reduces the allergic reaction, brushing outside etc.

[quote bluebird3]@lady089

I didn't say that but go ahead and choose to misunderstand. I absolutely expect the child's father to not make his daughter live in an unsafe environment. Would you choose to live an environment that made you ill for half of your life?And you'd force that on a child?

I said he either needs to find a new place to live OR speak with his partner about her cat. He does not HAVE to live with his new partner if she doesn't want to get rid of her cat. And yes, many people with bad cat allergies do not go over to friends or families houses that trigger their allergies. The child has no choice in the matter. She needs to be protected by her parents. Why is it so hard to understand this?[/quote]
Not second fiddle to your pets.

You said this and she has no parental responsibility to her partners kids and it’s her house, so the question shouldn’t ever be asked if she’d re-home her cat.

You are being over-dramatic, I grew up with asthma and had allergies and we had two cats. You are basically saying she can’t go into an environment where there’s no pets when the majority of people have pets, I very much doubt she will live her life in only her house, that would be very unhealthy, that’s a ridiculous assumption to make. This is all speculation anyway, the OP has no idea whether the cat will trigger her asthma. She’s just finding problems because she’s resentful.

And why is it so hard for you to understand the world doesn’t evolve around one child. He’s a father and also has equal parental responsibility and OP doesn’t get to control that.

And it’s not unreasonable to ask her to try getting to know the kids. It’s going to be a big adjustment for them to go from never having met her to suddenly living with her half of the time.

It's unreasonable for you to ask her anything. You don't need to have any contact with her at all. The relationship is between you, your ex and the dc

So I’m fully aware that OW will be most likely doing all of the house work, feeding the kids and most likely parenting as ex has never been one to get involved with any of that.

But you say he has them 6 night a fortnight? That's nearly 50% of the time and takes them on holidays. But he doesn't cook for them or clean?

You have no idea if his partner is going to even bring her cat, you have no idea if this cat is going to make dd as ill as you think. I know people who are awful with certain cats and others don't bother them at all. This is for your ex to discover and act appropriately. Let's face it he's not going to just ignore her days on end sneezing and itching and struggling to breathe. Even if he doesn't mention the cat allergy in advice dd can say. The taking of anti histamines does not need the permission of 2 parents, do you seek permission before you give your dc calpol?

Up until august, ex had this kids at his parents house. Both kids and parents have said at various points that ex-mil did all the cooking, cleaning, oversaw homework, did the bedtime routine, drove to and collected them from school etc.

I was also with the man for a good 15 years. I know he never lifted a hand whilst we were together.

I think it’s a fairly safe assumption that OW will pick up any and all slack, as ex does very much view these tasks as ‘feminine’. The man wouldn’t know how to half the suggested ,much less would he even enter a discussion with a woman about it.

That being said .. if the majority of people here feel that I shouldn’t have any discussions with OW about allergies… then I can’t see me asking them to be super vigilant with cleaning going down well… that will more than likely cause just as much offence.

As I have already explained.. dd takes preventers , daily in the morning and evening, of course we keep antihistamines for when an unexpected flare up arises. At not point in my posts have I ever said I don’t use them or don’t believe in them. Just that I find them mostly ineffective having used over the counter and prescribed types. I’ve managed DD’s allergies with them when I have had to. For the most part they do not completely clear up symptoms… pills are not just a magic fix the issue.

And for those who are raising mute points about dd having to deal with people having pets etc … it’s not about Dd going to someone else’s house on the odd occasion or spending a few hours and then having a flare up. It’s about her spending 50% of her time in a house that is her home and still feeling discomfort and being uncomfortable. Or outright miserable because she is dealing with all of those things.

Because asthma is bloody uncomfortable for those of us who suffer it. And it’s worse when you also have the sore , itchy eyes, tickle nose, runny nose, eczema symptoms to go along side.

Of course, I have already tried to have this chat with ex… I’ve already explained that he doesn’t take it seriously.

As for all of this ‘it’s her house’ business. I don’t dispute ownership. But up until the point that Ow moves in; ex is renting from her. Are we all now saying that landlords can moving into tenants homes and do as they wish , irrespective of all of existing occupants wishes? As this is basically how my kids will mostly likely feel because she is still someone they do not know.. that they havent formed any relationship with. And just saying ‘tough, it’s her house’ isn’t really going to endear her to the children. Particularly if dds health and allergies aren’t taken seriously.

I’m actually trying to avoid that… I’m wanting my kids to form a friendship with her as opposed to the kids feeling pushed out/neglected.

I totally believe ex should have discussed al of these things ahead of getting to this point… but he hasn’t.
And so I feel it’s a duty of my care to really ensure Ow is aware of the allergies/triggers. I would be doing my kids a massive disservice if I didn’t try to have a chat about it.

“But the vast majority of pet-owners aren't going to re-home their pets for someone else's children, and asking them to do so is unreasonable and unfair - that's why OP has been “

Bollocks. Demanding she get rid of the cat might. She’s asking. It says right there in the title. How is making a request unreasonable? We all know how batshit cat owners can be. The woman may well say no. She probably will. But asking isn’t unreasonable.

I have a friend with a similar allergy. No way would I be happy in this situation. Would I have to suck it up if there was no ither alternative? Sure. But then I’d just have to wait until my child was old enough to vote with their feet.

Hi OP, can't believe some of these comments. Of course your child's health comes first and you should absolutely make that the priority. If OW is going to be with a man with children and one of those children's health is potentially impacted by a cat then that cat has to go. End of the matter. Children over animals always. You are a good mother and, in real life, I bet any of those posting ridiculous comments suggesting you have no right to ask this would definitely be doing the same.

@caprisun1

Hi OP, can't believe some of these comments. Of course your child's health comes first and you should absolutely make that the priority. If OW is going to be with a man with children and one of those children's health is potentially impacted by a cat then that cat has to go. End of the matter. Children over animals always. You are a good mother and, in real life, I bet any of those posting ridiculous comments suggesting you have no right to ask this would definitely be doing the same.

You never know, it might work in your favour - if any man made me choose between him and my cats, he would be gone! And if she feels that way your ex may find himself having to choose between OW and contact with his children - which will he choose do you think?

I don't think your wrong to discuss your concerns re: cats which you don't actually even know if they are coming with her
But yes it is her house and she can do what she likes its clearly not a landlord / tenancy agreement no matter what ex says so of she moves in thats her choice and she doesn't have to take your kids in to account thats your ex job as a parent
Why do you do 50/50 is it court agreed ?
But its the demanding you meet her that strikes as more odd , yes agree its better but if he / they said no you also know there is nothing you can do either

I think you're putting more onus on the OW to take charge of this situation, when it should be your ex, the childrens father. If the children can't be around the cats then he has to find alternative accommodation. You absolutely cannot demand that this woman rehomes her cats.

She isn’t moving in with your ex, she’s moving in to HER home with her cat. He will need to move out of HER home.

This. If DH's ex wife tried to tell me that I couldn't have my cat in my own home I would have her told her to keep her nose out and him to see the kids elsewhere if the cat was going to cause a problem. As it was they were adults so different situation but I wouldn't have been told whether I could keep my own cat.

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

She isn’t moving in with your ex, she’s moving in to HER home with her cat. He will need to move out of HER home.

This. If DH's ex wife tried to tell me that I couldn't have my cat in my own home I would have her told her to keep her nose out and him to see the kids elsewhere if the cat was going to cause a problem. As it was they were adults so different situation but I wouldn't have been told whether I could keep my own cat.

Again, she isn’t telling anyone, anything. She’s asking.

OP, sometimes separated dads are a bit shit. Sometimes it’s the kids who are disproportionately affected. This is probably one of those times. I’m afraid you might have to suck it up.

@caprisun1

Hi OP, can't believe some of these comments. Of course your child's health comes first and you should absolutely make that the priority. If OW is going to be with a man with children and one of those children's health is potentially impacted by a cat then that cat has to go. End of the matter. Children over animals always. You are a good mother and, in real life, I bet any of those posting ridiculous comments suggesting you have no right to ask this would definitely be doing the same.

You clearly have no morals, if a partner told me to consider re-homing my cats because his child might be allergic, it would be a big fat no. Many of us are responsible pet owners and don’t see pets as disposable when no longer convenient and no a woman whose partner has kids doesn’t have to give in to a man’s demands for his kids, she bares no responsibility, that lies with him.

But up until the point that Ow moves in; ex is renting from her. Are we all now saying that landlords can moving into tenants homes and do as they wish , irrespective of all of existing occupants wishes?

No we are not. But your ex is the tenant. The agreement is with him. If he is letting her and her cat move in that is up to him.

Don't go having words with her about your daughters allergies. HE is an equal parent, if you have a problem with his parenting take it to court. Leave her and her cat the fuck out of it.

Ex (the tenant) has had advanced notice of a change in terms and conditions (cats moving in) and is happy to stay on. He has accepted the cat on behalf of the kids too which is unacceptable considering the DD's allergy but something that nobody else can change.

OP would be reasonable to discuss the DD's allergies so that gf knows how often dd needs her medication and what to do if she has an asthma attack but asking gf to rehome her pet is overstepping and won't lead to the polite relationship that she's hoping to have long term. The Dad should be stepping up to find a solution. He is a parent but lacking when it comes to managing his DD's condition

We do 8 nights with me, 6 nights with ex because ex asked and the kids have mostly been happy with this. Though over the last 2.5 years there have been many times where ex has treated the arrangement as very loose. Ie: showing up late, not showing up at all … in some instances with no notice or very last minute notice. Obviously , I’m expected to always cancel plans and be available to fit around his schedule.

I’m very aware this is not fair to the kids and has been pretty frustrating to deal with. Particularly as the kids are now very aware of this too and have started to ask questions like ‘how many days do you get off work a year? How many does dad? Etc referring to me
Using al my annual leave for childcare then working from home for most of the rest of the holidays. I always explain that dad has to work.. and recently they have started to put two and two together. Dad works down south, ow lives down south… is he really with her etc etc.

I firmly behave if he were made to choose that he would opt for Ow. But this is speculating purely based on his behaviour during our marriage and in the 2.5 years since leaving.

That has nothing to do with the cat

Of course you can ask, but don’t be surprised when she laughs and tells you to fuck off.

It's a sad day when your kids realise that their other parent is not as great as they thought. But there's nothing you can do apart from letting them vent when they need to.

I was talking to my teen dd about this yesterday. She has complicated feelings towards her dad - I'd say she loves him but doesn't like him. He left 10 years ago and hasn't done anything bad but has gone from a dad who knew all her friends and what she was interested in to an EOW dad who didn't even know her food likes and hates.

@Redheadedgrumpysaurus

We do 8 nights with me, 6 nights with ex because ex asked and the kids have mostly been happy with this. Though over the last 2.5 years there have been many times where ex has treated the arrangement as very loose. Ie: showing up late, not showing up at all … in some instances with no notice or very last minute notice. Obviously , I’m expected to always cancel plans and be available to fit around his schedule.

I’m very aware this is not fair to the kids and has been pretty frustrating to deal with. Particularly as the kids are now very aware of this too and have started to ask questions like ‘how many days do you get off work a year? How many does dad? Etc referring to me
Using al my annual leave for childcare then working from home for most of the rest of the holidays. I always explain that dad has to work.. and recently they have started to put two and two together. Dad works down south, ow lives down south… is he really with her etc etc.

I firmly behave if he were made to choose that he would opt for Ow. But this is speculating purely based on his behaviour during our marriage and in the 2.5 years since leaving.

Who he'd choose is pure conjecture and tbh to even be considering such situations, sounds as though seeds would have been planted tbh and parental alienation, could end up with you losing the children if it went to court! And that's from knowing of the experiences of some mothers who have lost theirs as a result!

And sadly, many NRPs behave similarly re their annual leave, using it for their choices and not with their children or juggling childcare. I cannot imagine it, but I imagine that ymif you were in a me relationship, you too would like some one on one time with the new partner too...

@cherryonthecakes

It's a sad day when your kids realise that their other parent is not as great as they thought. But there's nothing you can do apart from letting them vent when they need to.

I was talking to my teen dd about this yesterday. She has complicated feelings towards her dad - I'd say she loves him but doesn't like him. He left 10 years ago and hasn't done anything bad but has gone from a dad who knew all her friends and what she was interested in to an EOW dad who didn't even know her food likes and hates.

Did he ever want greater than eow contact?

It's hard to maintain a close relationship when you're only in their life 14% of the time!

I’m aware it has nothing to do with the cat… people have asked questions and I’m just answering as best as I can.

There is no alienation from me at all. I don’t speak badly of him to the kids and I have been beyond flexible. Always picking up the slack when he chooses not to stick to the days/times that he suggested.

I’m sorry your daughter is going through that Cherry. Kids really do get the shit end of the stick sometimes