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Original poster

To ask WWYD - if your partner came out as bisexual

303 replies

NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 12:08

Name change for obvious reasons

I just want to know what you would do if..

  • you are male
  • You had been in a (straight) relationship since you were 17
  • you are now 25 and have a home and pets with your girlfriend, and are getting married this year
  • your girlfriend told you she loved you and you're her soul mate and wants to be with you and continue in the relationship, but thinks she is bisexual??

Basically doesn't want to end the relationship is super happy and everything but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual - and feels like they have to at least tell their future husband or it's like hiding a part of you???

(Yes suprise suprise I am the girlfriend)

I don't know whether to tell my partner or not basically because it won't actually change anything? I just feel like I'm hiding something but like am I ??? Is it ok to not say anything??

My boyfriend is absolutely not homophobic in any way , we aren't religious or anything etc

Thoughts please

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyGolem · 04/03/2022 12:11

It's academic really, isn't it? He's with you, not some amorphous non-existent woman.

My DH and I are both bisexual. Doesn't have any effect on our marriage.

ThatsNotMyGolem · 04/03/2022 12:11

I mean, you're with him, not some hypothetical woman.

LawnFever · 04/03/2022 12:13

I mean unless anyone thinks being bisexual means that the person isn’t going to be committed to the relationship they’re in I don’t see why it matters?

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 12:15

I'd want to know if they're sure they were ready to be married and not explore the other side of their sexuality because I'd be concerned they'd try to oppress it for my benefit and cause more harm in the long run.

I'd also want to be certain there was nobody who's helped them come to this realisation - like they weren't getting too close to a friend and crossing boundaries.

If they were sure, it wouldn't have a massive impact on the way I feel about them. It's not really relevant whether you find other people attractive if you're loyal.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 04/03/2022 12:17

My DH knows I'm bisexual. He also knows I'm monogamous, which is the important bit.

georama · 04/03/2022 12:18

I wouldn't do anything, it would make no difference to me. I'm not your boyfriend though.

trevthecat · 04/03/2022 12:18

I would tell my husband. Not because I wanted to be with someone else but because we share everything.

Porcupineintherough · 04/03/2022 12:20

Been married for nearly 20 years now. I'd be a bit miffed if he'd known since his 20s and not told me tbh. It's a pretty big thing to keep secret in a marriage.

BuyDirt · 04/03/2022 12:22

Tell him, don’t tell him. It’s irrelevant. If you are in a committed relationship, it doesn’t matter who else you may find attractive. If I realised I liked also liked women and told my partner, he’d say ‘ok’. Because it doesn’t mean anything when the only person I’m with is him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Teaandcrumpets95 · 04/03/2022 12:25

I'd tell him since you'll feel better for it. I wouldn't make a big deal/ sit down out of it, I'd just put it out there.
He might have an issue with it, he shouldn't but just be honest and if he does have an issue that's on him tbh.

Fwiw my husband is bisexual, I've always known and it's never even crossed my mind as an issue, I don't care tbh it doesn't affect our relationship at all, plus we have the same taste in guys so that's fun 😅

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/03/2022 12:27

I have to be honest if it was a husband/partner of many years then the relationship would be over for me.

If it was a new relationship then it wouldn't make any difference.

Brefugee · 04/03/2022 12:30

Being bisexual, in the concept of a monogamous relationship, is neither here nor there. It merely means that the next one or a previous one might be a same-sex relationship.

Being bisexual in a non-monogamous relationship is also neither here nor there, it just means that his other relationships may be same sex.

So from those two ideas above it really means nothing outside of he opened up to you.

If he now means he wants your blessing to cheat on you with men? are you happy with that OP? What does his sexuality have to do with your established relationship? unless his being bi gives you the ick?

TeenPlusCat · 04/03/2022 12:30

@girlmom21

I'd want to know if they're sure they were ready to be married and not explore the other side of their sexuality because I'd be concerned they'd try to oppress it for my benefit and cause more harm in the long run.

I'd also want to be certain there was nobody who's helped them come to this realisation - like they weren't getting too close to a friend and crossing boundaries.

If they were sure, it wouldn't have a massive impact on the way I feel about them. It's not really relevant whether you find other people attractive if you're loyal.

I think I would feel like this too.
Brainwave89 · 04/03/2022 12:31

These days lots of people will have had relationships with women as well as men, so frankly I am not sure it is much of a deal. If you intend the relationship to be a commitment to each other I think that is fine. Are you sure you are bi and not gay though OP? If there is a risk of the later then I would think carefully. It is hard, but are you risking breaking his heart at some point?

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 04/03/2022 12:32

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

My DH knows I'm bisexual. He also knows I'm monogamous, which is the important bit.
Same same.

It's not an issue. Both of us can and do freely discuss people of both sexes we find attractive. It's hot.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 12:32

@Brefugee

Being bisexual, in the concept of a monogamous relationship, is neither here nor there. It merely means that the next one or a previous one might be a same-sex relationship.

Being bisexual in a non-monogamous relationship is also neither here nor there, it just means that his other relationships may be same sex.

So from those two ideas above it really means nothing outside of he opened up to you.

If he now means he wants your blessing to cheat on you with men? are you happy with that OP? What does his sexuality have to do with your established relationship? unless his being bi gives you the ick?

I think you misunderstood. It's OP who wants to know whether to tell her boyfriend she's bisexual.
Hoppinggreen · 04/03/2022 12:32

I wouldn’t care as long as my H was completely faithful to me.
He can admire/Fancy who he wants as long as it’s not in a way that disrespects our marriage and me

MichelleScarn · 04/03/2022 12:33

@Brefugee it's the op who's bisexual, not her partner.

gannett · 04/03/2022 12:35

OP you shouldn't be worrying about whether he'll be happy with a bisexual girlfriend. You coming out to him is a test of his character, not yours. If he reacts badly or unacceptingly in any way that's your cue to leave.

Straight people can be astonishingly dense about non-heterosexuality but surely it's obvious why LGBT people might not be ready to come out until years into adulthood. They're not keeping a secret from you out of malice FFS.

ClariceQuiff · 04/03/2022 12:35

My husband knows that I am and it doesn't seem to trouble him. It doesn't mean I'm going to go off seeking women any more than I'd go off seeking other men.

Hotcuppatea · 04/03/2022 12:36

I would assume that you were thinking of sleeping with someone else. Otherwise why bother telling me now?

WouldIwasShookspeared · 04/03/2022 12:37

It would only bother me if it was the start of conversations about how they really want to be able to sleep with other people cos needs

housemaus · 04/03/2022 12:37

@Willyoujustbequiet

I have to be honest if it was a husband/partner of many years then the relationship would be over for me.

If it was a new relationship then it wouldn't make any difference.

I'm interested in why you feel this way (genuinely, not looking for a fight!)
Brefugee · 04/03/2022 12:40

I think you misunderstood.
It's OP who wants to know whether to tell her boyfriend she's bisexual.

well yes, my brain hadn't registered.
But it still applies. If you're in a monogamous relationship, you can fancy or be attracted to who you like. It's not a licence to cheat which is what some of these types of revelation lead to.

In OPs shoes? I'd tell him and see what happens. But if my DH said this to me i'd want to know why (i mean, I'd be glad to know, but i'd really want to know what provoked the revelation)

LittleOwl153 · 04/03/2022 12:43

Being bisexual, in the concept of a monogamous relationship, is neither here nor there. It merely means that the next one or a previous one might be a same-sex relationship.

This is correct.

However a girlfriend who is thinking she might be bisexual now at 25 at the point of getting married and how has as yet done nothing about it - despite being in a relationship for 8yrs would probably concern me. Because you are exploring feelings in your head that you are committing to never explore in practicality because you are in this monogamous relationship already. It would make me thing you had unresolved issues and wonder whether the relationship I had was as permanent as I expected it to be with the upcoming marriage.

If you were telling him you were bi, had always been and perhaps had had previous same sex relationships but your decision was he was the future- I think I'd see it differently though.