To ask WWYD - if your partner came out as bisexual

[NotSureWhatToDoHelp]

Name change for obvious reasons

I just want to know what you would do if..

• you are male
• You had been in a (straight) relationship since you were 17
• you are now 25 and have a home and pets with your girlfriend, and are getting married this year
• your girlfriend told you she loved you and you're her soul mate and wants to be with you and continue in the relationship, but thinks she is bisexual??

Basically doesn't want to end the relationship is super happy and everything but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual - and feels like they have to at least tell their future husband or it's like hiding a part of you???

(Yes suprise suprise I am the girlfriend)

I don't know whether to tell my partner or not basically because it won't actually change anything? I just feel like I'm hiding something but like am I ??? Is it ok to not say anything??

My boyfriend is absolutely not homophobic in any way , we aren't religious or anything etc

Thoughts please

Interesting how not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is bisexual makes someone biphobic apparently.

Reality is that:

Gay men are attracted to other men.

Gay women are attracted to other women

Bisexuals are attracted to either gender.

But heterosexuals are not permitted the right to be attracted to other heterosexuals. Why not?

I have no inclination to think that because someone who is bisexual is going to cheat on me with another man if they’re in a committed relationship with me. But as a heterosexual I am attracted to heterosexual men. That does not make me prejudiced, it means I have as much right to a sexual preference as anyone of any other kind of sexuality.

But people shouting “you’re biphobic” is down there with people feeling we need to alter our own identities to suit theirs. I.e. when trans men/women insist we refer to ourselves as CIS or be branded transphobic.

Live how you want. Identify how you want. But don’t tell me how I need to live or identify if you don’t want me to tell you how to do the same.

I finish with my partner if I found out he’s Bi now after 14 years together.

I wouldn't mind as long as my partner didn't intend have affairs with other men or women.
I expect a partner to be 100% faithful.

It is not something I'm concerned about

It is biphobia to say the thought of him having sex with a man “makes you feel sick”.

Gotcha. So when my young nephew first said he thought he was gay because despite loving his girlfriend, the idea of having sex with her made him sick… I should have told him to get over his (?) heterophobia, womanphobia, whatever phobia?

There are lots of characteristics a man could have that would make me feel sick at the thought of sleeping with him. All of those are completely my preferences and aren’t something I could be shamed out of.

I don’t really see why there is a need to tell him? Often I’ll comment to DH if I see a man or woman on television who I’m attracted to. But I don’t think there’s a need to make a big public statement. If I was your partner and you told me you were bisexual I’d just respond with ‘so what’……

My OH came out after we'd been together 20 years, I'd suspected for several years and he'd denied everything, it was horrible to find out after all that time and know that he had lied and had been watching gay porn behind my back. Ironically I'm attracted to women and had always been open that I preferred lesbian porn - it was all the dishonesty and the fact he didn't trust me enough to tell me that really upset me.

Tell him OP, he deserves the opportunity to decide if he is comfortable marrying someone who is bi. I wouldn't even make it a big thing, you don't even have to label yourself bisexual if you don't want to, just tell him you've kissed a few girls before and you're attracted to women as well as men. Doesn't have to be a biggie, just answer his questions and assure him you are loyal and committed to the relationship and can't wait to marry him.

The idea that you are bound to cheat if you are bi I find just awful, I've been married 20 years and never been tempted in any way (and I've never had any experience with women).

@HeartsAndClubs

Interesting how not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is bisexual makes someone biphobic apparently.

Reality is that:

Gay men are attracted to other men.

Gay women are attracted to other women

Bisexuals are attracted to either gender.

But heterosexuals are not permitted the right to be attracted to other heterosexuals. Why not?

I have no inclination to think that because someone who is bisexual is going to cheat on me with another man if they’re in a committed relationship with me. But as a heterosexual I am attracted to heterosexual men. That does not make me prejudiced, it means I have as much right to a sexual preference as anyone of any other kind of sexuality.

But people shouting “you’re biphobic” is down there with people feeling we need to alter our own identities to suit theirs. I.e. when trans men/women insist we refer to ourselves as CIS or be branded transphobic.

Live how you want. Identify how you want. But don’t tell me how I need to live or identify if you don’t want me to tell you how to do the same.

Most sensible post in this whole thread if you ask me.

I’ll add my take here because I think it fits with your statement . The OP should absolutely tell her fiancé. And give him a chance to make an informed decision if it a big deal to him or not. To hide this would be starting a marriage on on a pretty fundamental falsehood. It’s to the OP’s advantage also because then she will know how he feels about a big part of her identity.

Anything else is doomed for failure, the OP either spends the rest of the time in relationship wondering, finds out years down the line he doesn’t support the relationship with a bi woman.

@NotSureWhatToDoHelp what benefit does hiding this bring? The only thing I can think of is it eliminates the possibility of him rejecting you now. Is a relationship built on a falsehood really something you want? Is it something either of you deserve?

@bubblesbubbles11

"Ok, who on here would be upset if they (female) were having sex with a man and then found out that he was having sex with men too? "

Unless it was literally a hook up etc (which in my case would be highly unlikely) if I was having sex with a man and it was obvious our relationship was based on an understanding that I was hetrosexual and he gave me the impression he was also hetrosexual - and i then found out he was having sex with a man too - then I would be
(1) very hurt that he had cheated on me; AND
(2) incredibly hurt that he was infact bisexual but decided not to mention it to me knowing i was hetero and that that was important to me.
I would also question my own judgement that I did not see any signs that he was bisexual before I slept with him.

What are the signs that someone is bisexual? How do you know unless they tell you?

"Someone’s sexuality making you feel sick is pretty much the definition of bi/homophobia!"

you conveniently ignored Strictlyfanoftenyears words "my husband" and my own reference to that "my husband" in my reply.

Look everyone, and this includes heterosexual people are entitled to have their own preference regarding (i) what their own sexuality is in terms of who they are attracted to and (ii) the likes, dislikes and inclinations of people they would prefer to have a relationship with.

It is patently absurd to say that mutually heterosexual married couples/those in long term committed relationships are being "biophobic" if their spouse/partner of many years suddenly reveals they are not infact heterosexual (knowing that that was always important to their spouse/partner)

Tolerance needs to go all ways and you cannot start shouting biophobic or homophobic just because as a matter of fact there are couples where it is mutually important to both people that the other is heterosexual.

"What are the signs that someone is bisexual? How do you know unless they tell you?"

I don't know what the signs might be, never having been knowingly in a relationship with someone who was infact bisexual.
I would imagine it would be the same as for heterosexual people and just as you have a chance of picking up on levels of chemistry between heterosexual people / patterns of communication the same clues might be there for bisexual people.
Of course they are clues and unless they tell you outright you will not necessarily know.

Equally the person could infact be bisexual but when asked about it deny it for a whole host of reasons. And there might be some people who are at peace with being in a relationship with someone who is bi (whether they admit it or not) and others who are not ok with that and i think its equally valid to be not ok with that if the whole premise of the relationship was two heterosexual people.

I'm bi & my husband (then boyfriend) didn't react when I told him. He just accepted it. I also happened to find my life partner young & I know I'm committed in my marriage to him and wouldn't go looking for a same sex relationship.

What are the signs that someone is bisexual?

There aren't really 'signs' any more than there are signs someone is heterosexual.

My husband is bi.

There wasnt any big sit down announcement, just that being attracted to both sexes has come up in conversation.

We are monogamous, but also quite open and relaxed about crushes (celebrity or real life).

He knows that if his wish to experiment grows, and becomes something that he struggles with, that it's something we can discuss with an open mind, and that we'll figure it out together. What is a deal-breaker for me is dishonesty.

I have no concerns about our future. Its quite nice tbh to be able to joke and bicker over attractive men on tv 🙂

Obviously it's not something that he (or you) need to disclose, it's upto you, and I think a sit down announcement would arise suspicions that there's a very specific reason for mentioning it now.

I think it's good to be open in relationships and to not have to mask your true self, whether that's some hidden habits, family members, particular hobbies or that you find women attractive. Its not a huge deal, but it is part of you, and you shouldn't feel like you have to hide it.

@HeartsAndClubs

Interesting how not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is bisexual makes someone biphobic apparently.

Reality is that:

Gay men are attracted to other men.

Gay women are attracted to other women

Bisexuals are attracted to either gender.

But heterosexuals are not permitted the right to be attracted to other heterosexuals. Why not?

I have no inclination to think that because someone who is bisexual is going to cheat on me with another man if they’re in a committed relationship with me. But as a heterosexual I am attracted to heterosexual men. That does not make me prejudiced, it means I have as much right to a sexual preference as anyone of any other kind of sexuality.

But people shouting “you’re biphobic” is down there with people feeling we need to alter our own identities to suit theirs. I.e. when trans men/women insist we refer to ourselves as CIS or be branded transphobic.

Live how you want. Identify how you want. But don’t tell me how I need to live or identify if you don’t want me to tell you how to do the same.

So much specious illogic here.

Gay men being attracted to men is not the same thing at all as "heterosexuals being attracted to heterosexuals" because gender is not the same as sexuality. Gay men are attracted to men, not just gay men. Gay women are attracted to women, not just gay women. It's extremely commonplace to be attracted to someone who unfortunately doesn't share your sexuality.

And that's why "heterosexuals being attracted to heterosexuals" makes no damn sense. Because you can't tell. It's not emblazoned on people's foreheads. It's not a physical attribute that you can be attracted (or not) to. Neither is it a moral one that would turn you off (or on to) someone's character. Moreover you have no idea whether any man you've been attracted to has actually previously had sex or messed around with other men unless they tell you or you witness it.

So essentially, declaring you can't possibly be attracted to a man who's had sex with another man is saying the concept of gay sex disgusts you so much that it would change you how feel about someone, which is the definition of biphobia/homophobia on many levels. It's disgusting.

That is not how it works if you're bi. Much more likely that you've always felt attraction to both sexes and you slowly come to the realisation that the label that best fits you is bi. I felt attracted to both sexes as a teenager but assumed that some of it might be teenage phases and it would settle down. It didn't. Slowly, over time I came to realise that I was genuinely and stably attracted to both and decided that bi fitted me best.

This is the exact perfect description of my experience. I have also come to realise over the last few years that being attracted to women isn't a joke or a phase or attention seeking or just a drunken feeling or any of the other ways I've dismissed it my entire life, I am actually bisexual. I've never had sex with a woman and yes I do regret that but I have no plans to cheat or leave my partner. I never had a big coming out moment because it was via conversations with my dp that I came to accept being bi in the first place so no big surprise. He's been supportive from day 1 and encouraged me to select bi in the census. I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone I couldn't share that part of myself with personally.

Heterosexual just means being attracted to the opposite sex. The object of the attraction doesn't have to be heterosexual for you to find them attractive - how many women fancied the sexy priest in Fleabag when the actor Andrew Scott is gay?

Genuinely, why does it matter that your partner is also heterosexual, if the fact remains that they are attracted to and committed to you? If they happen to also find people of the same sex attractive but have no wish to act on that, and still love and are attracted to you, what does it matter?

"So essentially, declaring you can't possibly be attracted to a man who's had sex with another man is saying the concept of gay sex disgusts you so much that it would change you how feel about someone, which is the definition of biphobia/homophobia on many levels. It's disgusting"

the above is offensive and heterophobic

So essentially, declaring you can't possibly be attracted to a man who's had sex with another man is saying the concept of gay sex disgusts you so much that it would change you how feel about someone

How is that different to my nephew realising he was gay because the concept of heterosexual sex made him feel physically ill? Would you seriously call him heterophobic or a woman hater?

I wouldn’t. Doesn’t bother me one jot if a gay man feels ill at the thought of having sex with me. Doesn’t mean they see me as a less of a person, or that they hate me.

You can’t shame someone out of their sexuality. You can’t shriek ‘phobic’ at someone’s personal preferences. What’s the goal? They won’t suddenly stop feeling like that, ever.

And yes, I think sexuality does come in to it. A girl I went to college with was only attracted to other lesbian girls, she didn’t want to sleep with a girl who had had sex with a man. I think that was completely her choice.

I think it's important to tell him so you feel you are being your authentic self and not hiding anything. Not for him, for you. It's part of your identity and nothing to be ashamed of so it would be nice to share that with him. I am also bisexual and have always told serious boyfriends and my husband. For me it is just about not having that feeling of hiding something about myself xx

@girlmom21

I'd want to know if they're sure they were ready to be married and not explore the other side of their sexuality because I'd be concerned they'd try to oppress it for my benefit and cause more harm in the long run.

I'd also want to be certain there was nobody who's helped them come to this realisation - like they weren't getting too close to a friend and crossing boundaries.

If they were sure, it wouldn't have a massive impact on the way I feel about them. It's not really relevant whether you find other people attractive if you're loyal.

Agree with this 👆🏻

If you are monogamous and have no plans to cheat on your partner then it shouldn't matter if you are bisexual or heterosexual as it'll won't affect him as you won't be having sex with anyone else unless you leave him and by then it'll be none of his business.

Do you think he’d be surprised? If you’ve ever hinted at it, he may already know.

I don't know how I'd feel honestly.
I know of several people who have come out in their 20's and after a couple months/years have them left their relationships as they realise they want to explore their sexuality. So I guess I would be mildly concerned if DH (30) told me now that he thought he was bisexual. Not because of his sexuality, but what's made him realise it now, and how likely is he going to want to explore it at some point.

You can decline to be in a sexual relationship with someone else for any reason...and indeed you don't even need a reason. I wouldn't date all sorts of men for all sorts of reasons and that's fine. It's not a job interview. The equality act doesn't apply to romantic relationships