Page 12 | To ask WWYD - if your partner came out as bisexual

scarpa · 05/03/2022 13:25

@bubblesbubbles11

"Bubbles is saying she the thought of having sex with a bisexual man makes her feel sick - she is saying that she might find a man sexually attractive, but then if later found out that man was bisexual, that fact alone would make her feel sick and not want to have sex with them"

Just to be absolutely clear you are saying the above is biphobic and I must "do better" by forcing myself to not feel sick at the idea that the person who I thought was heterosexual and had never mentioned they were bisexual or attracted to men - when i find out they are infact bisexual and have previously and might in the future have sex with men. And that it would be biphobic for me to not to want to continue having sex with them once I found out that they had and might in the future have sex with men?

And that is how I can "do better". Have i got that right?

That you can't see the point here is amazing.

The fact that the mere concept of 'someone you were otherwise sexually and romantically attracted to also being able to be attracted to men' would be enough to make you feel sick - i.e. that you find something nauseating or disgusting about a man being able to be attracted to a man - is rooted in bigotry.

You're still under no obligation to sleep with them or stay in a relationship with them, of course, but it doesn't mean your sudden loss of attraction based purely on the idea of finding a man attracted to other men nauseating isn't homo/biphobic and that you couldn't do better in recognising your internal bigotry.

OP isn't saying "Do better by staying with someone you don't want to be with", they're saying "Do better at recognising when your responses to things are based on prejudice".

BlondeDogLady · 05/03/2022 13:27

Game over.

scarpa · 05/03/2022 13:35

[quote Clymene]@scarpa - if you knew anything about homosexual sexualities, you'd know that if applies there, possibly a lot more than it does in heterosexual relationships.

I'm guessing you've never heard the phrase 'gold star lesbian'.

I'm sure there's a similar one for men.

And the reason I have such an issue with the OP's terminology is that it is exactly what men who identify as women say to lesbians who don't want to fuck them. That they're transphobic, that they're discriminating by genitalia. It's grooming.

[/quote]
Of course I'm aware of that phrase and the various other weird ways people try and police each other's sexuality. 'Gold star lesbianism' is a very similar thing and equally as stupid as dismissing a sexual partner you otherwise were attracted to, based solely off who they have had or would have sex with. A woman's body is not permanently defiled or changed by a man she slept with before she realised she was a lesbian (or the capacity to sleep with men, if she were bi). A man's body is not defiled or fundamentally changed by the fact he had sex with another man, or has the capacity to want to (and the same for women). The idea of gold star lesbianism or revulsion at bi men or women all has echoes of purity culture and incel ideas that sexual contact with someone fundamentally changes or marks or stains you forever, and it's fucking nonsense at best and damaging at worst.

BlondeDogLady · 05/03/2022 13:35

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TedMullins · 05/03/2022 13:39

Thank you @scarpa. It’s amazing how many people can’t grasp this very simple logic.

Once again for those finding it difficult: if you are sexually and romantically attracted to someone and then find out they are bisexual, to suddenly be sickened or turned off or whatever else, IS BIPHOBIC. It does NOT mean you have to continue a relationship with them or have sex with anyone you don’t want to, but it DOES mean your preference is rooted in prejudice and it might be helpful for you to examine why that is.

It is similar to the scenario we see a lot on here where a man is no longer attracted to his wife because she’s gained weight. It’s absolutely his prerogative whether he continues a relationship with her, and he can’t help what he finds physically attractive, but the fact that the person he knows and loves putting on a few stone changes his opinion of her is absolutely rooted in prejudice and fatphobia and the internalised idea that fat is bad.

TedMullins · 05/03/2022 13:42

The knots some women will tie themselves into, so as not to appear bigoted or offend people, never ceases to amaze me.

Can you not just accept people have different viewpoints without denigrating them as people “tying themselves in knots”? I genuinely believe it is rooted in bigotry. Nobody has coerced me into feeling this way, I’m not saying it to try and appease anyone, it’s my own belief that I’ve arrived at by doing my own thinking on the issue.

gannett · 05/03/2022 14:06

@BlondeDogLady

The fact that the mere concept of 'someone you were otherwise sexually and romantically attracted to also being able to be attracted to men' would be enough to make you feel sick - i.e. that you find something nauseating or disgusting about a man being able to be attracted to a man - is rooted in bigotry

The knots some women will tie themselves into, so as not to appear bigoted or offend people, never ceases to amaze me.

The thought of my husband having sex with another bloke makes me feel repulsed, and it would be total game over for me. That is how I feel, and everyone is allowed to feel how they feel, without being called names by a group of handwringing do-gooders. Your post makes me think of the trans women who are insisting that lesbians are transphobic because they don't want to have sex with trans women who still have a penis.

How do you know your husband hasn't had sex with a bloke?

Same-sex experimentation is a thing among men as well as women, though whereas most women who've ended up in heterosexual lives can casually refer to it in everyday conversation without anyone raising an eyebrow, most men who end up living straight lives just keep it quiet. Why? Because of deep-rooted societal homophobia and biphobia, one manifestation of which is their - justified - fear that their wives will suddenly see them as repulsive and less of a man, even though they are exactly the same person that they were before you knew.

sessell · 05/03/2022 14:23

@BlondeDogLady

The fact that the mere concept of 'someone you were otherwise sexually and romantically attracted to also being able to be attracted to men' would be enough to make you feel sick - i.e. that you find something nauseating or disgusting about a man being able to be attracted to a man - is rooted in bigotry

The knots some women will tie themselves into, so as not to appear bigoted or offend people, never ceases to amaze me.

The thought of my husband having sex with another bloke makes me feel repulsed, and it would be total game over for me. That is how I feel, and everyone is allowed to feel how they feel, without being called names by a group of handwringing do-gooders. Your post makes me think of the trans women who are insisting that lesbians are transphobic because they don't want to have sex with trans women who still have a penis.

This. Fear of being called a bigot or phobic is doing a lot of heavy lifting in this thread.

SweetPotatoDumpling · 05/03/2022 14:49

I can't see what difference it would make to monogamy (but yes, absolutely you must tell your partner!)

GrolliffetheDragon · 05/03/2022 16:11

But you haven't and you won't if you're going to marry your boyfriend.

So this is all a fantasy

Is that true of straight people before they have their first relationship or is it just bi people who can't understand the difference between fantasy and being attracted to someone? If I'd met a woman instead of a man and only been in a lesbian relationship would you be arguing that finding men attractive was just a fantasy as I'd never acted on it? If I never met anyone should I assume I was asexual until it had been proved otherwise?

Funnily enough, I possibly would have had a girlfriend years before I met DH, if it wasn't for the gatekeeping by the local gay community. I wasn't welcome because I was bi.

BlondeDogLady · 05/03/2022 17:54

Once again for those finding it difficult: if you are sexually and romantically attracted to someone and then find out they are bisexual, to suddenly be sickened or turned off or whatever else, IS BIPHOBIC

In my opinion, being Biphobic would be if you chose to hate/not associate with/not be friends with someone on any level because they were Bisexual. I would find that very strange.

However, choosing not to be their life partner or to have sex with them is a very different matter, because you need to find them attractive and their sexual preferences are tied up in that.

It doesn't matter whether you found them attractive before, and then didn't - people are allowed to change their minds, if new information becomes known. Some women have found out that their husbands are cross dressers for example, and have chosen to end the relationship.

You could apply this to literally anything. For eg. I would not be attracted to men with :

Bald head
No teeth
Very overweight
Shorter than me
Tiny hands
Poor hygeine

So, maybe that makes me :

Baldphobic
Toothlessphobic
Obesephobic
Shortphobic
Tinyhandsphobic
Smellyphobic

Unless you want to think up a name or label for every preference, why not just accept that some human beings will not be attracted some other human beings, for a million of reasons, and there's nothing to be gained by wagging fingers and screaming "PHOBIC", because it makes no sense, is frankly rather rude and childish, and every woman has a right to choose who she has sex with for any reason, without being labelled as "PHOBIC".

housemaus · 05/03/2022 17:55

@BlondeDogLady

The fact that the mere concept of 'someone you were otherwise sexually and romantically attracted to also being able to be attracted to men' would be enough to make you feel sick - i.e. that you find something nauseating or disgusting about a man being able to be attracted to a man - is rooted in bigotry

The knots some women will tie themselves into, so as not to appear bigoted or offend people, never ceases to amaze me.

The thought of my husband having sex with another bloke makes me feel repulsed, and it would be total game over for me. That is how I feel, and everyone is allowed to feel how they feel, without being called names by a group of handwringing do-gooders. Your post makes me think of the trans women who are insisting that lesbians are transphobic because they don't want to have sex with trans women who still have a penis.

I'm not tying myself in knots - I'm just pointing out that if you don't think there's anything disgusting about men having sex with other men, then there'd be nothing to be 'repulsed' about when someone tells you they've had a M/M sexual experience. Otherwise, what are you 'repulsed' by, if not the idea of two men having sex?

I'm not trying not to offend anyone by it, I just simply don't think there's anything wrong with sex between two men or two women so there would be precisely nothing to give me any pause whatsoever if someone told me they'd done it.

Apologies if that appears to be 'handwringing' - although I am slightly concerned you think that not being repulsed by the concept of non-straight sexual activity is so unusual as to be being a do-gooder.

capstix · 05/03/2022 18:06

If you're bi you could find a lifetime partner of either sex so there's nothing wrong with your current relationship. If you want to explore your bisexuality further, don't get married yet.

bigfatmeerkat · 05/03/2022 18:43

This thread has taken a weird turn, but ok.

It's fine to realise you're Bi / gay / whatever.
It's surely not a big thing to tell your husband, any more than saying you've decided you like bald guys, guys with green eyes...doesn't mean you need to rush out and shag them.

Replying to other posters - it's ok not to be attracted to hairy men/sweaty women/fat/skinny. It's not anything phobic ffs. You are attracted to a type - and yes you can potentially overcome that if someone you love gets fat/hairy/sweaty/bald in the same way you can resist randomly shagging people that are your ideal body shape. Jeez.

Clymene · 05/03/2022 21:13

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bubblesbubbles11 · 05/03/2022 23:20

not read it all but read enough to say everything that "BlondeDogLady" says

bubblesbubbles11 · 05/03/2022 23:28

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SarahAndQuack · 05/03/2022 23:38

@NotSureWhatToDoHelp

Name change for obvious reasons

I just want to know what you would do if..

you are male
You had been in a (straight) relationship since you were 17
you are now 25 and have a home and pets with your girlfriend, and are getting married this year
your girlfriend told you she loved you and you're her soul mate and wants to be with you and continue in the relationship, but thinks she is bisexual??

Basically doesn't want to end the relationship is super happy and everything but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual - and feels like they have to at least tell their future husband or it's like hiding a part of you???

(Yes suprise suprise I am the girlfriend)

I don't know whether to tell my partner or not basically because it won't actually change anything? I just feel like I'm hiding something but like am I ??? Is it ok to not say anything??

My boyfriend is absolutely not homophobic in any way , we aren't religious or anything etc

Thoughts please

I haven't read the thread but:

You are very young. You have been in a relationship for a few years, but you are not tied to each other by (eg) children.

You are entitled to do whatever you like.

If you want to explore your sexuality, the polite thing to do is to end this relationship.

Saracen · 05/03/2022 23:49

I'd be totally fine with it, except that I'd wonder what had prompted this revelation and would be a bit worried that my partner was NOW fancying someone other than me, and maybe this was the precursor to a bombshell about leaving me or having had an affair or some such.

So I would want this coming-out to be accompanied by a ton of reassurance that my partner still wanted to be with me, still wanted to marry me, and was not having their head turned by someone else. Lay that reassurance on with a trowel.

stevalnamechanger · 06/03/2022 00:12

@Willyoujustbequiet

I have to be honest if it was a husband/partner of many years then the relationship would be over for me.

If it was a new relationship then it wouldn't make any difference.

Why?

Why does it matter who someone fancies as long as they aren't acting on it

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 06/03/2022 00:43

I think you should tell him, because it will undoubtedly come up in the future at some point and he may be hurt it's a part of you that you've concealed.

Personally, I couldn't date or marry a bisexual man, I'd find it ick. (And I'm very accepting of all sexualities, it's just how I'd feel). I know that's not PC, but I guess it's a risk you take when telling him although i think men are less likely to have an issue with it maybe...

Rosieposie101 · 06/03/2022 00:52

Well it all depends on the individual, doesn't it? I have friends who would be fine with their husbands being bisexual. I personally, if I'm being entirely honest, would find it off-putting to imagine my husband being potentially attracted to another man, it would make me feel very uncomfortable, and it might affect my attraction to him if I'm entirely truthful. I'd also be worried about whether he'd be happy to be monogamous with me and never be able to experience being with another man if he felt attracted to men. All in all, I suppose, for me it would be a deal breaker, but I know plenty of people for whom it would be fine.

Rosieposie101 · 06/03/2022 01:01

I also want to say that I am sickened and horrified by those posters saying that "Anyone who is personally put off by having a sexual relationship with a bisexual person is 'biphobic'." You are wrong, and you are veering dangerously close to bullying people into having sexual relationships that they are not comfortable with which is very much a form of sexual abuse on your part. If you bully anyone into having a sexual relationship that they don't want, you are sexually abusive. So please think carefully about what you are saying. It is not 'biphobic' to personally not feel sexually attracted to someone based on their sexuality. It would be 'biphobic' to discriminate against a bisexual person, or refuse to be their friend based on their sexuality, or judge them etc.

YOU DO NOT GET TO TELL PEOPLE WHO THEY SHOULD BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO. YOU DO NOT GET TO BULLY AND NAMECALL AND SHAME PEOPLE FOR THEIR PERSONAL SEXUAL PREFERANCES. IF YOU DO YOU, YES YOU PERSONALLY, ARE BEING SEXUALLY ABUSIVE TO THAT PERSON.

Use your heads people. Come on. It's not hard.

If it's not okay for people to interfere in other people's relationships - i.e. if you don't believe its okay for being to be homophobic because sexual relationships with others are nobody's business but their own - then you also don't get to tell people who they can be attracted to.

It's as f*!#king ridiculous as calling a gay man 'sexist' for not wanting to have sex with a woman, for goodness sake.

Leavinf this thread so please know that anyone of your replies won't be seen, have a great day ☺️

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/03/2022 01:10

@stevalnamechanger

I've answered this twice now. Just read the thread.

BlondeDogLady · 06/03/2022 08:36

@Rosieposie101

I also want to say that I am sickened and horrified by those posters saying that "Anyone who is personally put off by having a sexual relationship with a bisexual person is 'biphobic'." You are wrong, and you are veering dangerously close to bullying people into having sexual relationships that they are not comfortable with which is very much a form of sexual abuse on your part. If you bully anyone into having a sexual relationship that they don't want, you are sexually abusive. So please think carefully about what you are saying. It is not 'biphobic' to personally not feel sexually attracted to someone based on their sexuality. It would be 'biphobic' to discriminate against a bisexual person, or refuse to be their friend based on their sexuality, or judge them etc.

YOU DO NOT GET TO TELL PEOPLE WHO THEY SHOULD BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO. YOU DO NOT GET TO BULLY AND NAMECALL AND SHAME PEOPLE FOR THEIR PERSONAL SEXUAL PREFERANCES. IF YOU DO YOU, YES YOU PERSONALLY, ARE BEING SEXUALLY ABUSIVE TO THAT PERSON.

Use your heads people. Come on. It's not hard.

If it's not okay for people to interfere in other people's relationships - i.e. if you don't believe its okay for being to be homophobic because sexual relationships with others are nobody's business but their own - then you also don't get to tell people who they can be attracted to.

It's as f*!#king ridiculous as calling a gay man 'sexist' for not wanting to have sex with a woman, for goodness sake.

Leavinf this thread so please know that anyone of your replies won't be seen, have a great day ☺️

I agree with this.

And it's already happening isn't it? Lesbians are being labelled as Transphobic, because they don't want to have relationships with Trans women with "lady penises". How is that empowering women? It's saying that the men must get what they want, no matter the consequences. The lesbians are just collateral damage.

Then, you have the "do-gooders" of society who think they are doing the right thing, by pushing "inclusivity", and are quick to throw about derogatory terms like "phobic" and "bigot", without any thought to how that may push (vulnerable) women in to sexual situations that they don't really want to be in.

The minority groups rarely get name called (Lesbian situation above excluded). Would you call a gay man Vagina phobic? Me thinks not.

Why does it matter who someone fancies as long as they aren't acting on it Paedophile anyone?