Page 2 | To ask WWYD - if your partner came out as bisexual

NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 2022-03-04T12:08:09+00:00

Name change for obvious reasons I just want to know what you would do if.. - you are male - You had been in a (straight) relationship since you were 17 - you are now 25 and have a home and pets with your girlfriend, and are getting married this year - your girlfriend told you she loved you and you're her soul mate and wants to be with you and continue in the relationship, but thinks she is bisexual?? Basically doesn't want to end the relationship is super happy and everything but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual - and feels like they have to at least tell their future husband or it's like hiding a part of you??? (Yes suprise suprise I am the girlfriend) I don't know whether to tell my partner or not basically because it won't actually change anything? I just feel like I'm hiding something but like am I ??? Is it ok to not say anything?? My boyfriend is absolutely not homophobic in any way , we aren't religious or anything etc Thoughts please

housemaus · 04/03/2022 12:44

I had this exact conversation with DH a couple of years into our relationship. To be fair, he assumed it was the case anyway (I've slept with women in the past, although I laughed it off as 'drunk experimentation' before) but he recognised it was important to me to be able to say 'actually, I am bisexual'. He wasn't remotely fussed - in fact when the last census happened he very excitedly said "OOH you get to be officially bi!" and let me tick it as a 'legal coming out to the statistics people' - it made my heart sing.

He's a good man (and a secure one, which I think is the key - he knows regardless of what gender I'm attracted to, I'm monogamous, so it's irrelevant really).

I think if your partner is secure in your relationship, trusts you, and hasn't shown any signs of being homo/biphobic in the past, it should be fine. I hope so, anyway - welcome to the 'bi but in a committed relationship with a man so it feels pointless for it to be official but important to you to be able to acknowledge a part of yourself' club!

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/03/2022 12:46

@housemaus

If we were married then I would feel betrayed that he didnt disclose that before we made that commitment. That I didn't know him at all, that he wasn't the person I thought he was. It would leave huge trust issues that I wouldn't wish to deal with.

Essentially I would feel that I haven't had informed consent. I couldn't forgive the deceit.

But as I said if it was a new relationship it wouldn't bother me.

incognitoforthisone · 04/03/2022 12:46

I don't think I'd make a big 'coming out' announcement, or anything, but I think if you're in a relationship with someone, there are plenty of opportunities to be having casual, no-big-deal chats about that sort of thing in general. I think if someone made a formal announcement about it, I might think 'Why is he suddenly telling me this now?' and wonder what they wanted me to do with that information. But if we were having a general conversation about relationships and sexuality and my partner said 'I mean, it's a broad spectrum, isn't it? Obviously I've only had relationships with women, but I could probably have had relationships with men if I'd met the right ones at the right time' it wouldn't seem like any big deal really.

MissKittyFantastico84 · 04/03/2022 12:47

Hi there,

I told my husband of nine years that I had finally realised I was 'officially' bisexual a few years ago.

When we got together, he knew that I had messed around with female relationships at uni (never anything serious) so he knew that I did find women attractive. I suppose when I was younger I just didn't want to put a label on it? I just thought it was fun, and I was just free and flirty in my 20s!

It made absolutely no difference to our relationship - I am totally in love with him and fully committed, hopefully for the rest of our lives. When I told him, he did ask the question 'does this mean anything for us?' and I said 'no, of course not, I just felt like I needed to state it for the record' and that was that!

Like you, it was more about being honest with the man I love about who I really was. I think if you can make that clear, you'll be fine and you'll just move on with being together!

Best of luck xx Hope I helped!

VladmirsPoutine · 04/03/2022 12:48

You can be whatever you like the key question is are you both monogamous. I don't think it's worthy of a huge announcement just tell him.

NeverChange · 04/03/2022 12:50

I would be confused as to why they are only telling me now but if they only realised then fair enough.

I would wonder of it's a side of their sexuality they want to explore and probably would have some reservations as to why not or if it would be something they would need to explore in future. I wouldn't like to think I would be preventing that.

I think I would react differently to a bi-sexual partner who had explored previously and then made their decision to marry. I would take more comfort that they were making a fully informed decision re marraige.

I'm not bisexual so probably lack understanding but surely it is something that you may want to explore.

Apologies if my lack of understanding comes across poorly. It isn't meant to.

Original poster

NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 12:54

Thanks everyone

I am certain I'm not gay and certain I want to spend my life with my partner

I have slowly realised myself that I find women attractive - there is no specific person at all and feel comfortable knowing that I don't need to go out and have sex with a woman to confirm it.

I've kissed girls in the past and that's enough I think (at the time it was just like a bit of fun with friends - all the girls I have kissed have since come out as bi/gay so on reflection perhaps it was a bit more than that)

The reply that stuck out is that if they found out after 20 years of marriage it would upset them. I think that's fair enough and I would feel the same.

I think next time we have a couple of drinks for courage I will just bring it up and not made a huge deal.

Part of me thinks he won't be that surprised based on a fall small comments I might have made, but don't know

I am worried his reaction will take me totally off guard and he will think it is a big deal but I think I owe it to myself and to him to at least tell him how I'm feeling

OP posts:

RunningFromInsanity · 04/03/2022 12:54

@Hotcuppatea

I would assume that you were thinking of sleeping with someone else. Otherwise why bother telling me now?

I feel the same.

To suddenly realise you’re bisexual must mean that you’ve had a strong attraction to someone else ( who happens to be a woman in this case).
I would be upset if my partner told me they had a strong attraction to someone else, no matter the sex of that person.

Original poster

NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 12:55

@RunningFromInsanity

See post below- it hasn't been a sudden realisation it has been gradual over probably about two years. There definitely isn't anyone else specific I have strong thoughts about

OP posts:

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 04/03/2022 12:57

To suddenly realise you’re bisexual must mean that you’ve had a strong attraction to someone else ( who happens to be a woman in this case).

...no. It really doesn't mean that.

Elsiebear90 · 04/03/2022 12:58

I think I would be worried that since they’ve never properly explored that area of their sexuality they may want to in the future, but I wouldn’t end the relationship over it. I’m gay and the amount of women who have approached me in seemingly committed “straight “ relationships wanting to have threesomes or let their partners watch so they can experience being with a woman is unreal, even a previous best friend of mine tried it despite her boyfriend not being on board, so that would be a big concern of mine.

RunningFromInsanity · 04/03/2022 12:59

I can appreciate a beautiful woman and find them attractive. Doesn’t make me bisexual.
Something more has happened to make you decide now you are bisexual.

2bazookas · 04/03/2022 13:00

If the person "thinks" they are bisexual then it sounds like they haven't actually tried lesbian sex/relationships yet. Maybe when they do, they'll decide its their favourite.

You should definitely tell him right away that you're not yet a fully committed hetero.

If I was your guy I'd tell you that my idea of marriage includes sex, and if you haven't made your mind up yet, we shouldn't get married.

LagunaBubbles · 04/03/2022 13:01

I would be concerned because it doesn't matter saying it makes no difference, because OP hasn't slept with a woman I would worry about that.

Sally872 · 04/03/2022 13:02

If I met someone who was bisexual it wouldn't matter to me so I don't think it should matter to find out later in relationship.

However realising you are bisexual would make me think there must be someone you are attracted to for you to realise these feelings you didn't know about before.

So if I were you I would tell him but try to think of the best way to explain it how you realised this but it is not linked to an interest in someone else.

Original poster

NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 13:03

@2bazookas

If the person "thinks" they are bisexual then it sounds like they haven't actually tried lesbian sex/relationships yet. Maybe when they do, they'll decide its their favourite.

You should definitely tell him right away that you're not yet a fully committed hetero.

If I was your guy I'd tell you that my idea of marriage includes sex, and if you haven't made your mind up yet, we shouldn't get married.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with mine and my partners sex life - and we will continue to have sex whether I do or don't fancy women as well as men

OP posts:

SpiderVersed · 04/03/2022 13:04

I can't see why it would matter. DH doesn't seem to care - I didn't have a coming out announcement, it's just obvious I find women attractive too.

The important bit about our sexuality is that we're monogomous. Who we might idly fancy in abstact is irrelevant.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 04/03/2022 13:05

@RunningFromInsanity

I can appreciate a beautiful woman and find them attractive. Doesn’t make me bisexual. Something more has happened to make you decide now you are bisexual.

You're thinking about this as a straight person. So you imagine that the only way that a person can come to the realisation that they're bisexual is to be straight but then suddenly have a realisation because of attraction to a single, specific woman.

That is not how it works if you're bi. Much more likely that you've always felt attraction to both sexes and you slowly come to the realisation that the label that best fits you is bi. I felt attracted to both sexes as a teenager but assumed that some of it might be teenage phases and it would settle down. It didn't. Slowly, over time I came to realise that I was genuinely and stably attracted to both and decided that bi fitted me best. It was never and has never been about a specific woman.

Original poster

NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 13:06

Also surely some of these comments are implying that so called "gold star" lesbians (not a good phrase I know but it makes the point) can't KNOW that they aren't straight because they haven't had sex with a man and so it might "be their favourite" they just don't know??

Surely if it's possible to know you wouldn't enjoy having sex with women without actually trying it then it is also possible to know I would enjoy having sex with a woman without actually trying it!?

OP posts:

gannett · 04/03/2022 13:07

[quote Willyoujustbequiet]@housemaus

If we were married then I would feel betrayed that he didnt disclose that before we made that commitment. That I didn't know him at all, that he wasn't the person I thought he was. It would leave huge trust issues that I wouldn't wish to deal with.

Essentially I would feel that I haven't had informed consent. I couldn't forgive the deceit.

But as I said if it was a new relationship it wouldn't bother me.[/quote]
Would it not occur to you that a bisexual person may have had to go through years of repression, shame and soul-searching before even admitting their sexuality to themselves?

It's not a betrayal and it's not deceit. When a bisexual person comes out to you, especially if they're doing so at a relatively late stage, you should be honoured that they trust you enough to do so.

Original poster

NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 13:07

@GregBrawlsInDogJail
Thank you so much you have written exactly how I feel!
Your comment has really helped actually thank you xx

OP posts:

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 04/03/2022 13:10

@NotSureWhatToDoHelp

Also surely some of these comments are implying that so called "gold star" lesbians (not a good phrase I know but it makes the point) can't KNOW that they aren't straight because they haven't had sex with a man and so it might "be their favourite" they just don't know??

Surely if it's possible to know you wouldn't enjoy having sex with women without actually trying it then it is also possible to know I would enjoy having sex with a woman without actually trying it!?

Forreals. Every time this topic comes up, good old biphobia reveals its alive and well on MN (with a side serving of homophobia).

housemaus · 04/03/2022 13:13

[quote Willyoujustbequiet]@housemaus

If we were married then I would feel betrayed that he didnt disclose that before we made that commitment. That I didn't know him at all, that he wasn't the person I thought he was. It would leave huge trust issues that I wouldn't wish to deal with.

Essentially I would feel that I haven't had informed consent. I couldn't forgive the deceit.

But as I said if it was a new relationship it wouldn't bother me.[/quote]
That makes sense. Would you feel differently if he hadn't realised himself until more recently?

Quite a few bisexual people I know didn't realise until later in life, particularly as they had heterosexual relationships perfectly happily - i.e. unlike realising you're gay, where trying to have an apparently heterosexual relationship would maybe flag up 'this isn't quite right' feelings to be dealt with more quickly (although not always, of course).

housemaus · 04/03/2022 13:16

@2bazookas

If the person "thinks" they are bisexual then it sounds like they haven't actually tried lesbian sex/relationships yet. Maybe when they do, they'll decide its their favourite.

You should definitely tell him right away that you're not yet a fully committed hetero.

If I was your guy I'd tell you that my idea of marriage includes sex, and if you haven't made your mind up yet, we shouldn't get married.

A 'fully committed hetero', Jesus Christ.

Is everyone in hetero relationships not fully committed until they've tried the full sexual spectrum and decided their favourite, then? As you think sexuality is determined on experience alone, and not how you feel.

Also, where in OP's post does she suggest that a) she isn't having sex with her partner and b) she hasn't made her mind up about being sexually attracted to him? She literally says she loves him, he's her soul mate, and she wants to continue the the relationship - I'm not sure why you're assuming her being bisexual means he'd be committing to a sexless relationship with her...?

bubblesbubbles11 · 04/03/2022 13:26

i agree with all the comments saying what matters is whether or not you are and intend to be monogomous.
As a side tho, and acknowledging that this is not what you asked for opinions on, i do think that getting together at 17 and still being together at 25 means you are very young and you "discovering" this about yourself could mean your character is not fully formed enough for lifelong commitment.
And saying "i am bisexual but i absolutely promise you that till the day i die i will not cheat on you (with a man or a woman)" is obviously a massive commitment at the best of times.

I think you should tell him. I think you should also ask yourself why it has now become such an thing to tell him where previously (assuming you knew) it was not.