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Original poster

To ask WWYD - if your partner came out as bisexual

303 replies

NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 12:08

Name change for obvious reasons

I just want to know what you would do if..

  • you are male
  • You had been in a (straight) relationship since you were 17
  • you are now 25 and have a home and pets with your girlfriend, and are getting married this year
  • your girlfriend told you she loved you and you're her soul mate and wants to be with you and continue in the relationship, but thinks she is bisexual??

Basically doesn't want to end the relationship is super happy and everything but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual - and feels like they have to at least tell their future husband or it's like hiding a part of you???

(Yes suprise suprise I am the girlfriend)

I don't know whether to tell my partner or not basically because it won't actually change anything? I just feel like I'm hiding something but like am I ??? Is it ok to not say anything??

My boyfriend is absolutely not homophobic in any way , we aren't religious or anything etc

Thoughts please

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 13:31

@bubblesbubbles11

i agree with all the comments saying what matters is whether or not you are and intend to be monogomous. As a side tho, and acknowledging that this is not what you asked for opinions on, i do think that getting together at 17 and still being together at 25 means you are very young and you "discovering" this about yourself could mean your character is not fully formed enough for lifelong commitment. And saying "i am bisexual but i absolutely promise you that till the day i die i will not cheat on you (with a man or a woman)" is obviously a massive commitment at the best of times.

I think you should tell him. I think you should also ask yourself why it has now become such an thing to tell him where previously (assuming you knew) it was not.

Hey thanks some good points said nicely

With regards to getting together young - I don't feel inexperienced in the sex etc department (without giving too much away) I had sex quite young and by no means have I only had sex with my current partner. We have great sex and I just happened to find my person pretty young

I have no concerns about the longevity of my current relationship - and of course we are monogamous - I don't feel I will HAVE to have sex with a woman in the same way that if a hot man came along I wouldn't cheat on my partner with them

I think this thread has evolved in a way it didn't need to - my current relationship is great and nothing is going to change that

I merely wanted to know if this is something you would want to know about your partner or whether it isn't a big deal

It is not about whether I should or shouldn't go out and sleep with a load of women, or whether my partner and I did or didn't get together too young

OP posts:
RealBecca · 04/03/2022 13:31

I think you just need to know what you think you want I.e. do you want sex outside of your marriage? Then you can answer the questions he has.

bubblesbubbles11 · 04/03/2022 13:32

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with mine and my partners sex life - and we will continue to have sex whether I do or don't fancy women as well as men"

Of course.
But the fact that you are "discovering" this about yourself now and that it is enough of a thing that you are wondering whether you ought to tell your partner or not suggests it is a strong enough feeling that you realise at some point you might act on that feeling.

What exactly do you think you should tell him?
"I am bisexual" is a very different thing to "I am bisexual and that is strong enough that if I one day meet someone of the same sex as me who i am so attracted to i want to act on it".
Point is your partner can never "give" you a relationship with a female can he? In the same way if you were in a committed relationship with someone very short and you suddenly said "I am sexually attracted to very tall people" it would be a really tough situation for the partner. In a nutshell are you asking for an open relationship? Or should you split up to allow you to explore your bisexuality (knowing your current partner might never consider you again) etc

KevinTheKoala · 04/03/2022 13:33

Honestly it's not a big deal and it shouldn't be as long as you are still wanting to be monogamous and are happy in your relationship (which you have said you are). I do think its important to tell him now that you have realised simply because if it does come out further down the line he might feel as though you have lied to him.

One thing I would say though (and I hope it doesn't happen and that your fiance is a good man!) is that when my partner found out I was bisexual he began to try and pressure me into a threesome which was apparently all for me because obviously I would want that Hmm I didn't and stuck to my guns but the pressure and comments were a bit ick! (No judgement on those who do want to explore that but I didn't and it just felt like I wished I had kept quiet in a way).

And ignore the biphobia! According to many we don't exist and need to 'pick a side' Hmm

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 13:34

@bubblesbubbles11

Also as I have said I have been slowly figuring this out about myself

Growing up being bi or fancying a woman wasn't widely accepted and I would have been open to criticism at school (went to an all girls school and the one lesbian in my year was ridiculed) - so I just stuck to boys and didn't think about it

Then meeting my partner meant I haven't needed to explore per se

So yeah I have been thinking about it for a few years and probably came out to myself just before Xmas

OP posts:
iolaus · 04/03/2022 13:34

In all honesty I'd be wondering why they have now decided to tell me and if this was their way of leading into wanting to have sex with someone else (because this is something they have only just realised)

If this happened in the getting to know stage of the relationship and it was just something about them, it wouldn't bother me

Maybe it's because from how you are speaking it sounds like it would be a big announcement, I'm not sure why I feel differently

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 13:35

OP I think the people projecting are actually helpful - even though they're not actually intending to be.

You asked a question here because you're not sure whether to tell him.

The people irritating you are the extreme end of the spectrum. These are the worst reactions you can expect from him (assuming he's a decent man and won't instantly start accusing you of cheating or whatever).

Have a think about how you'll answer or reassure him if he feels the way they do.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 04/03/2022 13:37

saying "i am bisexual but i absolutely promise you that till the day i die i will not cheat on you (with a man or a woman)" is obviously a massive commitment at the best of times.

No more than saying "I am straight, but I absolutely promise you that till the day I die I will not cheat on you with a man." The reason people cheat or don't cheat in relationships has zero to do with whether they're attracted to one gender or two.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 13:40

@girlmom21

OP I think the people projecting are actually helpful - even though they're not actually intending to be.

You asked a question here because you're not sure whether to tell him.

The people irritating you are the extreme end of the spectrum. These are the worst reactions you can expect from him (assuming he's a decent man and won't instantly start accusing you of cheating or whatever).

Have a think about how you'll answer or reassure him if he feels the way they do.

That's true. Thanks @girlmom21

I really hope he doesn't share their views

He knows me and knows that I certainly will not be wanting to go and sleep with somebody else

OP posts:
CoastalWave · 04/03/2022 13:43

Why is everyone bisexual these days?! Why make such a deal out of it? Presume you're planning on marrying him and staying faithful. Can't some things just remain private!

Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 13:44

@CoastalWave

Why is everyone bisexual these days?! Why make such a deal out of it? Presume you're planning on marrying him and staying faithful. Can't some things just remain private!
Oh get lost xx
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 13:45

@CoastalWave

Why is everyone bisexual these days?! Why make such a deal out of it? Presume you're planning on marrying him and staying faithful. Can't some things just remain private!
'Everyone' is not bisexual. People are more open to discussing their sexuality since it's more socially acceptable.

You might have noticed 'more' people are gay now that they're not arrested and chemically castrated.

iolaus · 04/03/2022 13:46

Actually reading through the comments where you said when you were younger you kissed a few girls etc, I think if my partner made a comment of along the lines of 'I can't believe I've only realised I am bisexual, you would have thought that kissing girls as a teenager would have clued me in' I probably would have just laughed and called them an idiot for taking so long to realise it

However being sat down and explicitly being told they were bisexual would seem different, even though the outcome is still really the same - my partner would still be the person they were before

voldr · 04/03/2022 13:46

@CoastalWave

Why is everyone bisexual these days?! Why make such a deal out of it? Presume you're planning on marrying him and staying faithful. Can't some things just remain private!
Everyone? That's news to me!
housemaus · 04/03/2022 13:48

@CoastalWave

Why is everyone bisexual these days?! Why make such a deal out of it? Presume you're planning on marrying him and staying faithful. Can't some things just remain private!
  1. They're not, but if you're seeing more people out as bi then it's probably cos the stigma around not being heterosexual is receding and only a bigot would think that was a bad thing Halo
  1. She isn't - she's just asking whether or not to tell her partner. Based off the answers in this thread, that's a reasonable concern, as lots of people would want to know.
  1. Yep, she says exactly this. It doesn't mean she isn't bisexual though.
  1. You think people should keep their sexuality to themselves? Or only people who aren't straight?
HeartsAndClubs · 04/03/2022 13:55

Sitting your partner down and telling him you’re sexually attracted to women would surely be similar to telling him you’re sexually attracted to a man at work, a neighbour, a friend etc.

It’s not the fact that you’re bisexual, it’s the fact that you feel the need to tell him you have sexual attractions other than to him.

If you’ve never had a relationship with a woman and don’t ever intend to, then why do you need to come out?

I think that going into a relationship it is necessary to be honest, but when you’ve already made a commitment to someone suddenly telling them that your sexuality isn’t what you (and they) thought it was, and is surely only going to lead to doubt on their part that you intend to be faithful.

After all, if you intend to be faithful then you wouldn’t need to tell them that you’re sexually attracted to someone else be that man or woman.

bluebeau · 04/03/2022 13:56

bloke here
don't tell him, his mind will go into overdrive and he will think you don't love him or want to be with him.

So you have been with him for however long, not cheated but now think your bi ? I don't think your bi, i think your curious. 25 in opening post did you say ? thats very young for house, marriage, pet so i think you just want to live a little. and thats fine

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 04/03/2022 14:01

I'm unsure if my husband knows I am. I don't think we've ever had that conversation...
When we met we were attracted to each other and started dating and that was that.
I've never felt a need to tell him, as in sit him down and tell him. He knows my views on sexuality (that it's on a spectrum). I would say that while I am attracted to both men and women, I do prefer men.
If something happened and I was no longer with DH, I wouldn't actively pursue a relationship with a woman, I'd be looking for a partner, whatever sex they happened to be.

If he asked me however of course I'd be honest.

bubblesbubbles11 · 04/03/2022 14:05

"The reason people cheat or don't cheat in relationships has zero to do with whether they're attracted to one gender or two."
I beg to differ.

I am hetrosexual and have never had a same sex relationship but I would imagine they are sufficiently different that you cannot be KNOWINGLY bisexual or gay and yet automatically discount that side to you because you are in a heterosexual relationship. Yes there might be some people who can, but sexuality for some people can be very distructive if it is repressed.

Oblomov22 · 04/03/2022 14:09

"but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual -"

But what does that actually mean. What are you actually saying? Cut the bullshit. So you are attracted to women as well? ok, fine, so what? Why are you even mentioning this unless you mean to act on it?

You Want to have a relationship with another female because you haven't had one before?
If you don't and you intend to carry on being with your male partner that doesn't make any difference does it? you can bring it up in conversation, but say you still want to be with him. and then that's fine. end of conversation.

I'm not getting this. I don't understand what the big deal is.

housemaus · 04/03/2022 14:10

@bubblesbubbles11

"The reason people cheat or don't cheat in relationships has zero to do with whether they're attracted to one gender or two." I beg to differ.

I am hetrosexual and have never had a same sex relationship but I would imagine they are sufficiently different that you cannot be KNOWINGLY bisexual or gay and yet automatically discount that side to you because you are in a heterosexual relationship. Yes there might be some people who can, but sexuality for some people can be very distructive if it is repressed.

This is utter nonsense. Being bisexual does not mean 'needs to have both at once'. It means 'can be attracted to both'. Bi people are no more likely to cheat than straight people, and the myth of the greedy bisexual is an old and very annoying one that bi people are sick to the back teeth of hearing.

I'm a bi woman. I'm also a monogamous woman. In my marriage to a man, I have no urge whatsoever to cheat on him to satisfy my sexuality because my sexuality - i.e. am attracted to any gender - IS satisfied, in that I am in a relationship with one of the people I am able to be attracted to. Just like someone in a heterosexual marriage would hopefully have no urge to cheat because their sexuality is also satisfied by being with someone who meets the boundaries of their sexual attraction (and they don't need to sleep with EVERYONE within that category to be happy).

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/03/2022 14:11

If I was your husband, it be hurt that you were effectively hiding a big part of yourself from me.

I'm not sure if I'd tell him though as to be honest if I was him I'd be wondering what brought you to this realisation. Yes everyone is attracted to other people but it's not something that is particularly nice to hear about or dwell on and if I was him I'd be worried that you were thinking about an actual specific person rather than women in general

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/03/2022 14:12

For me it depends how soon the information is shared

So I have been with my husband for 20 years. If he suddenly, with zero previous indication, told me he was bi, I'd wonder why he chose now to say. Has something triggered him to share, has he just learnt to accept it about himself, or is it that he has been wanting to explore that side of himself and can't wait any longer.

But had he told me as part of the dating process etc, then it would just be accepted as part of what makes him him.

bubblesbubbles11 · 04/03/2022 14:14

"bloke here
don't tell him, his mind will go into overdrive and he will think you don't love him or want to be with him.

So you have been with him for however long, not cheated but now think your bi ? I don't think your bi, i think your curious. 25 in opening post did you say ? thats very young for house, marriage, pet so i think you just want to live a little. and thats fine"

I think the above take is a good one.

Again not on your question and i dont mean to give you lots of unsolicited comments BUT
I think this is sufficiently serious that you need to seriously factor in your ages and the implications of that.

In my case it was not to do with bisexuality but I did spend a LOT of years in a relationship with someone which in hindsight were wasted years in light of what i really wanted out of a relationship (mainly a family and kids).
There are very real implications (for both sexes but in particular for women) if spending your "childbearing" years with someone when you know there is a real chance that you will change your mind on something fundamental down the road. Not only might you kick yourself at a wasted opportunity you missed by doing that, but your (then to be ex) partner might also really resent having spent that time in the relationship with you. I guess what i am saying is that there is really something in EITHER being totally honest with your partner and let them have a say in the future of the relationship or you dont tell them but you just end the relationship to explore your feelings so you know what you want. 25 is young enough to do this. 55 or 65 (having been with them for 37 or 47 years etc) is a whole other ball game.

housemaus · 04/03/2022 14:15

@Oblomov22

"but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual -"

But what does that actually mean. What are you actually saying? Cut the bullshit. So you are attracted to women as well? ok, fine, so what? Why are you even mentioning this unless you mean to act on it?

You Want to have a relationship with another female because you haven't had one before?
If you don't and you intend to carry on being with your male partner that doesn't make any difference does it? you can bring it up in conversation, but say you still want to be with him. and then that's fine. end of conversation.

I'm not getting this. I don't understand what the big deal is.

you can bring it up in conversation, but say you still want to be with him. and then that's fine. end of conversation.

Yes, that's literally what she's asking - how do you think he will react?

Which is a reasonable question as the responses on this thread have shown - some people would react very badly to this news despite it not being a big deal as she's still committed their relationship, ranging from saying they wouldn't trust them, to assuming she'd cheat, to ending the relationship.

In and of itself, it's not a big deal, and OP doesn't want it to be. But she quite rightly has concerns that he will think it is as lots of people have varying degrees of understanding/misconceptions of bisexuality that mean his response might make it a bigger deal than it needs to be.