To ask WWYD - if your partner came out as bisexual

[NotSureWhatToDoHelp]

Name change for obvious reasons

I just want to know what you would do if..

• you are male
• You had been in a (straight) relationship since you were 17
• you are now 25 and have a home and pets with your girlfriend, and are getting married this year
• your girlfriend told you she loved you and you're her soul mate and wants to be with you and continue in the relationship, but thinks she is bisexual??

Basically doesn't want to end the relationship is super happy and everything but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual - and feels like they have to at least tell their future husband or it's like hiding a part of you???

(Yes suprise suprise I am the girlfriend)

I don't know whether to tell my partner or not basically because it won't actually change anything? I just feel like I'm hiding something but like am I ??? Is it ok to not say anything??

My boyfriend is absolutely not homophobic in any way , we aren't religious or anything etc

Thoughts please

"Bi people are no more likely to cheat than straight people"

I. never. said. they. were
You came out with the above not me.

Do you talk to your partner, and does he talk to you, about people you find attractive?

I know a lot of people do, and like someone down thread said find it "hot" or "sexy" or a bonding experience to share that part of themselves without it being a threat to the relationship.

So if you do, then yes definitely you should tell him rather than having to keep that part of you to yourself and pretend you only fancy men.

I don't feel like that and I wouldn't thank dh for telling me about people he finds attractive. I wouldn't find it hot or sexy or bonding. I'm pretty laid back but I think I'd be uncomfortable and a bit (stupidly) jealous. I don't say things like "she's your type" (even though going by myself and previous girlfriends he definitely has a type). I also wouldn't talk to him about men that I find attractive - he's not that laid back to be honest and I think he'd find that hurtful.

I think if that sort of sharing isn't part of your relationship then it would be worth considering what the impact of basically saying to him "I find women as well as men attractive" would be.

Then again, if you feel that being bi is an integral part of your identity and that it would be living a lie to allow people to make assumptions about your sexuality based on your relationship then much less corrosive to your sense of self to come out now.

The only way he finds out in twenty years time is if you tell him as you have no intention of pursuing it? So if you decide now to keep quiet then you keep quiet forever? I see more downside than upside if you tell him now.

You being Bi does not influence/change anything in your life? You are worried about keeping a secret though i think this secret is reasonable.

I am bisexual and I've been one of the few to have realised that before I started dating. As you're still quite young I don't thin it is unusual to have acknowledged this about yourself during a 'straight' relationship. If you're fairly open with each other he might have picked up clues already of course. It's totally part of you, even if you stay, settled down with this man until the year dot it is part of what makes you the person he knows, and loves! Personally I don't have many conversations with my husband or children about being bisexual but as they know I've never blinked or paused mentioning a previous girlfriend or had to play the pronoun game, which is a good place for me. Start by thinking about how you talk to him. Are you editing your views or opinions on this basis?

@bubblesbubbles11

"The reason people cheat or don't cheat in relationships has zero to do with whether they're attracted to one gender or two." I beg to differ.

I am hetrosexual and have never had a same sex relationship but I would imagine they are sufficiently different that you cannot be KNOWINGLY bisexual or gay and yet automatically discount that side to you because you are in a heterosexual relationship. Yes there might be some people who can, but sexuality for some people can be very distructive if it is repressed.

So "I don't know anything about this, but I'm going to tell someone who does that they're wrong."

There are literally billions of men in the world. Some of them are smarter than your current partner. Or fitter. Or nicer. Or funnier. Or have a bigger cock. Or you'd have better sex with. Are you suppressing your sexuality by not having sex with one, or many, of them?

I think you are right to share (talk about) an important part of your sexuality with your DFiance OP.

It's who you are - as others have said what is important is that you and he are happily faithful to each other and you're not yearning for someone else! No more likely as a bisexual person
than you are as a straight person. Your sex life & relationship is good and that's what is important.
I hope your DFiance reacts with respect and is glad you share this developing realisation with him. I can imagine he may feel a bit anxious at first incase you were trying to tell him you want to explore that side with another woman but as you said (& can reassure him on) you aren't and are happy with him and very much looking forward to spending your life together

I have many bi sexual family members- all of whom are happily married or in LTR (3 in heterosexual and one in a same sex relationship). My cousins DH talks quite openly as does my cousin about her being bi and liking women and comparing who they think is "hot" and who is on their list of 5. (She gets two lists apparently - one of famous women and one of men!)

(They've been married 15 years and by all indications (!!) have a very active sex life and wonderful relationship btw! )

If my boyfriend was bisexual, I would like him to share that part of himself with me, rather than suppress it, but I probably deep down would worry that he might feel at some point like he wanted to explore that side of himself

"Bi people are no more likely to cheat than straight people" nobody said they were.

But coming out as bisexual and essentially admitting to being attracted to women just before the wedding is akin to admitting to being sexually attracted to another man.

if a poster posted here that her h told her he fancied her best friend/his work colleague etc people would tell her that he was planning to cheat on her.

If a long term partner came out and said they were sexually attracted to other men/women (depending on the sex of said partner) then it’s not unreasonable to conclude that they’ve found someone attractive and that cheating is on the cards.

Otherwise why would they need to say so?

There’s a difference between going into a relationship knowing that your partner is attracted to both men and women, and your partner telling you years into the relationship that they’ve realised they’re attracted to men and women.

My partner knows I’m attracted to men, obviously he does. He doesn’t need to assume I’ll cheat because of that, but if I started telling him I was attracted to a certain man then he would likely wonder.

Similarly telling someone you’re attracted to women as well as men is going to raise the question as to what has caused you to suddenly realise this, and why, if you’re committed to your partner ow you suddenly need to reveal this.

You have to tell him. Keeping a secret about your sexuality could destroy a committed marriage just because you kept the secret. It’s the violation of trust.

That said, I’ll be honest and say that I would have some misgivings of my fiancé made this revelation. It’s not because I would have a problem with being married to someone who is bisexual, far from it actually. My misgivings would be about being with a person who didn’t know themselves well enough that this conclusion hasn’t been reached until the age of 25. It would make me think that person isn’t really done maturing yet and therefore isn’t ready for marriage.

To those saying why is it a big deal..

That's the whole point of the thread

I don't know if it is or not

I wouldn't want to mention it in passing as if it's nothing and then for my partner to think woah what I didn't know that

When we watch tv etc I will say Jesus she's hot etc etc but think that's pretty normal anyway

Thank you to the supportive, helpful comments

No thanks to those condescending few who want to judge my relationship based on my age.. it's not helpful, asked for, or necessary

GregBrawlsInDogJail

Right.
So because you are bisexual (or gay) and I am not, you can speak for ALL bisexual or gay people where I have no locus to have an opinion?

You can disagree with my opinion. But my opinion is that same sex sexual relationships will be sufficiently different to opposite sex sexual relationships to make that in some cases a deal breaker.
Sure there are people who can be celibate all their lives, there are people who can be monogomous and faithful all their lives, there are people who just cannot be monogomous and faithful and so they are not.
That is nothing to do with whether you are gay or bi or hetrosexual.
But if you have always been hetrosexual and you now have strong feelings you are bisexual that is surely something fundamental enough to take seriously and possibly make big changes out of respect both for yourself and your partner and any other person out there who you might have a relationship with.

there's some absolute nonsense on here as there always is when anything about being bisexual comes up. Did you have to fancy/have sex with a member of the opposite sex to realise you were straight, or did you just know? Does the fact you're heterosexual mean you might feel an attraction so strong to another man you might one day cheat on your husband? No? Thought not. People cheating has nothing to do with their sexuality. If he's a decent and rational guy the only reaction he should have is the feeling that it doesn't make any difference.

@bubblesbubbles11

"Bi people are no more likely to cheat than straight people"

I. never. said. they. were
You came out with the above not me.

You said - in relation to whether cheating was related to bisexuality or not - that it was different enough from being heterosexual that you didn't think it was possible to be knowingly bisexual "yet automatically discount that side to you because you are in a heterosexual relationship".

What do you mean, that someone wouldn't be able to discount that, then? If you don't mean cheating (which is what your reply was about in context).

You 'discount' other men in favour of your heterosexual partner, do you not? Why would a bisexual person not be able to do the same?

Heartsandclubs
I think you're muddling up motives

OP has said what her motives are and she seems open and honest wanting to share an important realisation about herself.

With a lot more openness these days I suspect there are a proportion people out there thinking 'I wonder if I have always been bi as I like men and women' and realising that's ok!

And that if they've realised that, then talking with their fiancé about it to deepen their understanding of each other is a good thing .

None of that realisation she might be Bi necessarily includes another same sex specific person or 'planning to cheat' with someone else in the slightest any more than finding other men or women of opposite sex attractive would do.

HeartsandClubs

But coming out as bisexual and essentially admitting to being attracted to women just before the wedding is akin to admitting to being sexually attracted to another man.

No, it's saying she has the capacity to be attracted to women. Which, in a hetero relationship, is the same as saying you had the capacity to be attracted to another man - which you would have.

If a straight woman said to her husband, "I am straight", it doesn't mean "I am currently sexually attracted to other men/a specific other man", it just means "I am, in the abstract, able to be attracted specifically to men".

If a bi woman says to her partner, "I am bi", it doesn't mean "I am currently sexually attracted to other men and women, or a specific other man or woman". It means "I am, in the abstract, able to be attracted to men or women."

People cheating has nothing to do with their sexuality.

Well said TedMullins!

It is an important point

"There are literally billions of men in the world. Some of them are smarter than your current partner. Or fitter. Or nicer. Or funnier. Or have a bigger cock. Or you'd have better sex with. Are you suppressing your sexuality by not having sex with one, or many, of them?"

Glad to report that i am happily single at the moment and not looking for anyone (whether that be someone fitter, nicer, funnier or with a bigger cock than my ex).

The fact that the above people exist does not change my choices in my life now and these facts would not have been any different previously when i was in a relationship.

All of that is frankly irrelevant.

The heart of OP's question is "should I be honest with my partner?" and there are a range of possible answers all of which might be valid.

My point is that there are serious and very hurtful consequences if OP gets it wrong in my opinion. For example, OP knows with some certainty that she is actually bisexual or gay. However for some other reason we do not know she decides to stay in her current hetro relationship without telling her partner for decades to come. They have children. In 3 decades time OP meets someone of the same sex and she leaves her husband and children for that person. Now you can argue that that is no more destructive and hurtful than someone leaving their husband for another man. But as well as the deception of the infidelity in that case there would be the deception of the withholding of the fundamental knowledge about OP's sexuality and I would argue that would be even more painful to stomach if you were the spouse or the child at that time.

"You said - in relation to whether cheating was related to bisexuality or not - that it was different enough from being heterosexual that you didn't think it was possible to be knowingly bisexual "yet automatically discount that side to you because you are in a heterosexual relationship".

I think if you are 25 and you have been in the same hetrosexual relationship since you were 17 and you think you are bisexual but you have never had any same sex relationships to be sure about it, then regardless of that deciding to stay in that same hetrosexual relationship and commit for the rest of your life never to in any way test that thought (that you are bisexual) out is a very big ask of a person.

Whether it's a big deal or an important part of your identity is up to you. I think you should feel comfortable to tell your future husband anything, though I agree with comments about doing it casually lighthearted way rather than making it seem serious and being open to considering that this may, now or in the future, cause moments of insecurity -- though that can happen either way.

My spouse is bisexual, we both are and discussed this before marriage, but he's never had a relationship with a guy or had a sexual relationship with anyone else. We met as teens, we've had our bumps and insecure moments, but our sexualities have played far less of a role in those than some seem to think it should.

Why is everyone bisexual these days?! Why make such a deal out of it? Presume you're planning on marrying him and staying faithful. Can't some things just remain private!

1. Because we're that awesome, obviously.

2. Surely one's spouse is someone to tell private things too? And an anon forum is as private as one can get for advice.

I would imagine they are sufficiently different that you cannot be KNOWINGLY bisexual or gay and yet automatically discount that side to you because you are in a heterosexual relationship. Yes there might be some people who can, but sexuality for some people can be very distructive if it is repressed.

I'm bisexual, have had relationship with both sexes. Relationships are relationships with all the ups and down with either sex.

It's very tiring how many people seem to think that the capacity to have that connection with someone means we're constantly driven to, while ignoring the obviousness that sex is one important but not the only factor in being attracted to someone (or that people can be attracted and not jump on someone).

I don't see the pint in telling him to be honest. If you're not planning on leaving him what's the point?

"means we're constantly driven to"

again I repeat, I have never said the above.

Being in a committed relationship is about being honest, and if it were me I'd value my partner caring about my feelings and valuing me enough to be honest. I'd be thankful that the relationship meant enough for a partner to feel capable to talk about anything with me and I certainly wouldn't want them to feel like they couldn't be their true self with me.

Good luck and I applaud you for giving this conversation the time it needs.

I think that it is interesting that if you changed the genders, answers would be different.......... "I am a man about to get married, should I tell my female partner that I am bi?" If my husband said that to me, I would be horrified.

Why would you be horrified?

Being bi doesn't mean you're suddenly more like to cheat, it's just who you are. A partner being honest and knowing their partner appreciates an honest relationship is far better.

I'd prefer that to my husband thinking they couldn't tell me things.