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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask WWYD - if your partner came out as bisexual

303 replies

NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 12:08

Name change for obvious reasons

I just want to know what you would do if..

  • you are male
  • You had been in a (straight) relationship since you were 17
  • you are now 25 and have a home and pets with your girlfriend, and are getting married this year
  • your girlfriend told you she loved you and you're her soul mate and wants to be with you and continue in the relationship, but thinks she is bisexual??

Basically doesn't want to end the relationship is super happy and everything but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual - and feels like they have to at least tell their future husband or it's like hiding a part of you???

(Yes suprise suprise I am the girlfriend)

I don't know whether to tell my partner or not basically because it won't actually change anything? I just feel like I'm hiding something but like am I ??? Is it ok to not say anything??

My boyfriend is absolutely not homophobic in any way , we aren't religious or anything etc

Thoughts please

OP posts:
TedMullins · 04/03/2022 15:26

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

I think that it is interesting that if you changed the genders, answers would be different.......... "I am a man about to get married, should I tell my female partner that I am bi?" If my husband said that to me, I would be horrified.
Why? Why would it make any difference to you apart from biphobia?
Original poster
NotSureWhatToDoHelp · 04/03/2022 15:35

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

I think that it is interesting that if you changed the genders, answers would be different.......... "I am a man about to get married, should I tell my female partner that I am bi?" If my husband said that to me, I would be horrified.
Yeah I think that's just your biphobia babes

I wouldn't be horrified - it's absolutely no different if you switched the genders

OP posts:
Strictlyfanoftenyears · 04/03/2022 15:53

Well maybe I am biphobic (I dont think I am) but the thought of my husband wanting to shag men really does make me feel ill. Im just being honest. If a man is gay or bi I dont care, but I dont want to have sex with a gay or bi man. That is my personal preference. Doesnt mean I hate them.

georama · 04/03/2022 15:54

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

Well maybe I am biphobic (I dont think I am) but the thought of my husband wanting to shag men really does make me feel ill. Im just being honest. If a man is gay or bi I dont care, but I dont want to have sex with a gay or bi man. That is my personal preference. Doesnt mean I hate them.
Just that they make you feel ill.
Strictlyfanoftenyears · 04/03/2022 15:55

No, it would me feel ill to have sex with a gay or bi man, thats the difference.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 04/03/2022 15:57

Ok, who on here would be upset if they (female) were having sex with a man and then found out that he was having sex with men too? (I realise that we are going slightly off topic here though)

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 04/03/2022 15:58

(Waiting for the whole of mumsnet to come on here and say that they would be delighted if their male partners, DHs etc were bisexual)

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 16:00

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

Ok, who on here would be upset if they (female) were having sex with a man and then found out that he was having sex with men too? (I realise that we are going slightly off topic here though)
I'd be upset if my DP was having sex with other men, or women, because were in a monogamous relationship.

I wouldn't be too upset if I found out he'd previously had sex with men, before our relationship. That's up to him.

Alisae · 04/03/2022 16:00

Answering honestly, I would feel uneasy.

Someone telling me at the start of a relationship - great. I’d expects someone to be open about their sexuality so everyone could be in the same page going forward. Some people would not want a relationship with a bisexual person, doesn’t make them anything ‘phobic’, just personal preference.

Someone only telling me after a long term relationship before marriage - I wouldn’t be happy.

A) I’d feel like I’d had my choice and consent taken away from me if they had not been honest at the start.

B) Rightly or wrongly, if this was a new realisation they had come into after years I would be very worried that actually they’d just been suppressing their sexuality and therefore were only just coming to terms with it. And wondering what had suddenly made them realise this/decide to tell me. I’d probably want to hold off on the wedding and take a break.

GrolliffetheDragon · 04/03/2022 16:01

@bubblesbubbles11

"The reason people cheat or don't cheat in relationships has zero to do with whether they're attracted to one gender or two." I beg to differ.

I am hetrosexual and have never had a same sex relationship but I would imagine they are sufficiently different that you cannot be KNOWINGLY bisexual or gay and yet automatically discount that side to you because you are in a heterosexual relationship. Yes there might be some people who can, but sexuality for some people can be very distructive if it is repressed.

I don't 'discount' that side of me, but not discounting it doesn't mean I have to have sex with a woman. My husband knows, has done since early in our relationship, it's not hidden, I can say if I find a woman attractive, in fact we have a running joke about how my taste in women is so very different to my taste in men.

I have no desire to have sex with anyone other than my husband though, whether male or female, because I love him and want to be with him.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 16:02

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

Well maybe I am biphobic (I dont think I am) but the thought of my husband wanting to shag men really does make me feel ill. Im just being honest. If a man is gay or bi I dont care, but I dont want to have sex with a gay or bi man. That is my personal preference. Doesnt mean I hate them.
How does the idea of a man you're having sex with having sex with other women make you feel?

Because feeling that way about your partner cheating is completely reasonable.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 16:03

Someone telling me at the start of a relationship - great. I’d expects someone to be open about their sexuality so everyone could be in the same page going forward.

Do you always tell new partners you're straight?

TedMullins · 04/03/2022 16:03

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

Well maybe I am biphobic (I dont think I am) but the thought of my husband wanting to shag men really does make me feel ill. Im just being honest. If a man is gay or bi I dont care, but I dont want to have sex with a gay or bi man. That is my personal preference. Doesnt mean I hate them.
That’s biphobia.
bubblesbubbles11 · 04/03/2022 16:04

"Ok, who on here would be upset if they (female) were having sex with a man and then found out that he was having sex with men too? "

Unless it was literally a hook up etc (which in my case would be highly unlikely) if I was having sex with a man and it was obvious our relationship was based on an understanding that I was hetrosexual and he gave me the impression he was also hetrosexual - and i then found out he was having sex with a man too - then I would be
(1) very hurt that he had cheated on me; AND
(2) incredibly hurt that he was infact bisexual but decided not to mention it to me knowing i was hetero and that that was important to me.
I would also question my own judgement that I did not see any signs that he was bisexual before I slept with him.

TedMullins · 04/03/2022 16:05

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

Ok, who on here would be upset if they (female) were having sex with a man and then found out that he was having sex with men too? (I realise that we are going slightly off topic here though)
I honestly wouldn’t give it any more thought than if he told me what he ate for breakfast. I have been with bisexual men in the past too before anyone insists that I can’t know unless I experience it.
DriverEightt · 04/03/2022 16:05

I think this can be a complex topic. My DSis is in a long term relationship with a female partner. She claims this was a total surprise for her (in her 40s). Some people discover things about themselves later in life.

Having said that, I think that is something I'd like to know about a potential marriage partner, as part of understanding that person.

bubblesbubbles11 · 04/03/2022 16:06

TedMullins

it is not biphobia to not want the man you married (who has always represented himself as both faithful to you and himself heterosexual) to not have sex with men.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 04/03/2022 16:06

TedMullins, I dont agree with you but you are entitled to your own views Grin

TedMullins · 04/03/2022 16:06

Sorry I’ve misunderstood - do you mean he was actively having sex with men as in cheating outside a monogamous relationship or just that he was bisexual and he had in the past? If the former, angry/upset he was cheating but the sex of the person wouldn’t be a factor - it would be the lies and deception. If the latter, then my previous comment.

TedMullins · 04/03/2022 16:07

@bubblesbubbles11

TedMullins

it is not biphobia to not want the man you married (who has always represented himself as both faithful to you and himself heterosexual) to not have sex with men.

It is biphobia to say the thought of him having sex with a man “makes you feel sick”. Someone’s sexuality making you feel sick is pretty much the definition of bi/homophobia!
Pr1mr0se · 04/03/2022 16:07

If your relationship is secure enough to get married then you should be confident enough to be able to tell him, if that's what you want to do. You don't have to as - presumably - you are not planning on having a relationship with a woman (as well as him). Personally, if it was me, I would go ahead and be honest but I don't know your relationship.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 16:08

It is biphobia to say the thought of him having sex with a man “makes you feel sick”. Someone’s sexuality making you feel sick is pretty much the definition of bi/homophobia!

Not if you're talking about your own partner. The thought of my DP having sex with a woman makes me feel sick. We're a heterosexual couple.

housemaus · 04/03/2022 16:09

@bubblesbubbles11

"You said - in relation to whether cheating was related to bisexuality or not - that it was different enough from being heterosexual that you didn't think it was possible to be knowingly bisexual "yet automatically discount that side to you because you are in a heterosexual relationship".

I think if you are 25 and you have been in the same hetrosexual relationship since you were 17 and you think you are bisexual but you have never had any same sex relationships to be sure about it, then regardless of that deciding to stay in that same hetrosexual relationship and commit for the rest of your life never to in any way test that thought (that you are bisexual) out is a very big ask of a person.

you have never had any same sex relationships to be sure about it

And yet people can know they're straight without 'testing' the theory. Why would bisexual people specifically need to try it out to be sure?

georama · 04/03/2022 16:09

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

Ok, who on here would be upset if they (female) were having sex with a man and then found out that he was having sex with men too? (I realise that we are going slightly off topic here though)
You mean if they were cheating? That's slightly different.
housemaus · 04/03/2022 16:10

@Strictlyfanoftenyears

No, it would me feel ill to have sex with a gay or bi man, thats the difference.
Yes, that is, in fact, biphobia.