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AIBU?

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Original poster

To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

493 replies

Troisfoisfilles · 03/03/2022 22:37

So my eldest just won a place at a really good grammar school in our area to start year 7 in September which is great.
She did so well in the entrance exam and interview that she was offered a scholarship and we have been awarded a brilliant bursary. Only trouble is, the bursary doesn’t cover everything and even the transport and uniform are a huge expense! It’s going to be a massive squeeze on finances. I also have two younger children who will no doubt miss out on little treats and things that I won’t be able to afford any longer 😞.
She is very intelligent and would do well at any school but I know for a fact that she won’t achieve full potential at a state school.
I originally applied for a place for her at the school I teach at. It’s a great school and she would do ok there but I don’t want just ok for her. For a start, she’s really quite eccentric and mature for her age. Kids similar to this at my school don’t really go down that well and are singled out by the others - kids are horrid!
I really believe she needs the small classes, discipline and pushiness she’d get at a grammar.
So am I being unreasonable in sending her?

OP posts:
GraciousPiglet · 03/03/2022 22:38

You mean an independent school?

Grammars are free!

TheHoptimist · 03/03/2022 22:39

Grammar schools are usually state funded- do you mean a grammar?
What do you mean by a bursary?

OwlinaTree · 03/03/2022 22:39

What if your other children also want to go?

What level of treat would your other children be giving up? Holidays? Days out?

Mischance · 03/03/2022 22:41

I hope the two younger ones will not miss out on the same education, rather than just "little treats". What you do for one you have to be prepared to do for the others, who will likely not get scholarships.

I do understand your wish to do what you see as your best for your DD, but you cannot make this decision without taking the others into consideration. A hard decision.

RoseslnTheHospital · 03/03/2022 22:41

You mean a private school, that's called whatever Grammar, rather than a state grammar school?

Regarding your younger children, if they turn out to also be the kind of child who would get a scholarship/bursary at a private school, what are you going to be able to do for them if you've impoverished yourself sending your eldest to a private school you really can't afford? Is it really worth singling out your eldest for massively preferential treatment simply due to birth order?

MiddleClassProblem · 03/03/2022 22:41

Do you mean private school?

Re uniform some have second hand clothes sales

Floralnomad · 03/03/2022 22:42

You cannot compromise the lifestyle of other children to fund the education of a sibling . Why did you not look into the affordability before you applied .

Maireas · 03/03/2022 22:42

So, it's not a grammar then, it's an independent fee paying school for which you have a bursary?
How difficult will it be to cover the other costs?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 03/03/2022 22:43

Depends on your definition of ‘massive squeeze on finances’.

Losing a few weekends away, not going out for meals, reducing expensive days out and reducing hobbies for the older child - yes I’d make the sacrifice.

Not being able to go on holiday at all, not being able to afford any hobbies for the other children, worrying about food and energy bills - no, not worth it.

Assume you’ve thought about how you could increase income to compensate?

LIZS · 03/03/2022 22:44

Some private schools are "Grammar" in name, perhaps used to be state funded until selective state education was abolished in the area in 1970s

Maireas · 03/03/2022 22:47

Just remember that bullying happens at private as well as at state schools.
She may well thrive, but she'll still be the person that she is.
The other question really is about the affordability and what happens when your other two children go to secondary school.

SuperSocks · 03/03/2022 22:47

No, you can't do that. It would lead to all sorts of resentment. What if your younger kids turn out just as bright and hardworking and desperately want to go too but can't?

My sister went to state schools and still managed 5 As at A levels, the top of her year. She's not even ridiculously intelligent, just hardworking! If your child is driven they'll achieve their full potential off their own bat. If they're not it's hardly fair for your youngest to miss out on equal opportunities!

LosingTheWill2022 · 03/03/2022 22:50

You cannot compromise the lifestyle of other children to fund the education of a sibling.

I agree with this.
The younger ones would lose out now as well as presumably not getting the same opportunity when it's their turn. (On the basis that sending one's a squeeze).

Stompythedinosaur · 03/03/2022 22:54

It doesn't sound like a great idea to send one dc to private school if you can't afford for their siblings to go also.

AWavyLine · 03/03/2022 22:54

Speak to the school- they may be able to offer more if she otherwise can’t go. Ours gives bursary recipients extra for uniform etc if needed.

Momicrone · 03/03/2022 22:55

You absolutely do not know for a fact that she won't reach full potential at state school. What baloney. Give all your kids an equal chance

SquirrelFan · 03/03/2022 23:03

I think you should send her. Every child is different and you may find that the next two are much more suited to the school where you teach. Or that your finances will improve.

whiteroseredrose · 03/03/2022 23:10

It is tricky.

My dad got a place at a local Grammar school back in the day. It was a long bus ride and uniform was expensive. My grandmother was extremely proud of him.

His brothers went to the local school.

My father was much more successful academically and financially than his brothers (headteacher) but I'm not 100% sure he was necessarily massively brighter.

The Grammar worked for him but it also had a negative impact on his relationship with his brothers. They were never close.

It would be great for your DD to be in the best environment for her to thrive. I'd probably let her go.

But make sure your other DC don't end up feeling second best.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 03/03/2022 23:16

You need to treat them all fairly. Not identically, but it does have to ve equitable.

If one of the younger siblings had musical aptitude, would you be able to get music lessons, or would it all be tied up?
Or a catch up tutor if they were struggling?
Sports club fees?

Personally I'd use the money to benefit all three children.

surreygirl1987 · 03/03/2022 23:19

Okay, if there are any school fees involved (which it sounds like there are), your daughter has not won a place at a grammar school. She has been offered a place at a private school (with bursary and scholarship, which are usually two different things these days). I presume you have looked into how selective and academic the private school is? They are not all the same, and certainly not all comparable with actual (state) grammar schools. I would also not do this if I wouldn't be able to afford to send younger siblings as well?if they got in and were offered an equivalent bursary) - that could easily breed real resentment.

MabelMoo23 · 03/03/2022 23:23

If you’ve got a bursary you mean a Grammar School in name alone. A bursary is for an independent school.

Selective Grammar are state funded.

But anyway, I have two children and I’ve already thought about what would I do re education. There is no way I’d send one to private school and not do it for the other. Absolutely not. My children are equal. Any calculations we make are for both.

If we can’t afford it, then neither go

isitconcerning · 03/03/2022 23:24

What does your daughter want? You haven''t said.

Original poster
Troisfoisfilles · 04/03/2022 12:38

Thanks for all the replies and advice.
Firstly Yes it is an indépendant school. Should have put that.
Secondly, I have never said that I would not be sending my other two to the same school- that was never a factor in this. For a start, they are in years 2 and 3, so a long way to go yet and I am sincerely hoping my financial position will be a lot better then. Also, while DD2 is also super academic, DD3 is currently not- although this may obviously change.
DD1 is the one who asked me to put her forward for the grammar school. I did not want to as I knew it would be a squeeze. I agreed to let her do the entrance exam but warned her that I didn’t know whether we’d be able to afford it. She was adamant that she wanted to try. I did not get her tutor or prepare her for the exam in any way. I just told her to try her best and give it a go. I knew she was intelligent but i was actually quite surprised when her results came out as high as she did. She also fell in love with the school on our tour.
So I decided to see how much help we could get. The scholarship and bursary together pay for almost all the fees - the rest of which I can afford. It is the extras that I’m worried about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Troisfoisfilles · 04/03/2022 12:41

It is a very selective school. They only take 60 children each year and usually have around 150 applications.
We live in a very deprived area. There are no state grammar schools within about 50 miles of here.

OP posts:
User0610134049 · 04/03/2022 12:45

Why do you keep calling it a grammar school? Does it have that word in its name? Sorry I know not the point of the thread but am just interested as I think it’s confusing 😆
It’s just that grammar schools are generally understood to be something completely different to what you’re talking about.

But there is a private school round here with grammar in its name so maybe that’s why you keep doing it 🤔

In answer to your question…: I suppose you have to look at whether you can really afford it in the round, taking all your children’s needs into consideration. Plus possible rise in earnings for you vs rise in cost of living