To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

[Troisfoisfilles]

So my eldest just won a place at a really good grammar school in our area to start year 7 in September which is great.
She did so well in the entrance exam and interview that she was offered a scholarship and we have been awarded a brilliant bursary. Only trouble is, the bursary doesn’t cover everything and even the transport and uniform are a huge expense! It’s going to be a massive squeeze on finances. I also have two younger children who will no doubt miss out on little treats and things that I won’t be able to afford any longer 😞.
She is very intelligent and would do well at any school but I know for a fact that she won’t achieve full potential at a state school.
I originally applied for a place for her at the school I teach at. It’s a great school and she would do ok there but I don’t want just ok for her. For a start, she’s really quite eccentric and mature for her age. Kids similar to this at my school don’t really go down that well and are singled out by the others - kids are horrid!
I really believe she needs the small classes, discipline and pushiness she’d get at a grammar.
So am I being unreasonable in sending her?

Send her! Don’t deprive her of the best education you can offer for the sake of a few missed days out

My son passed his 11+ and was offered a state grammar place. Very academically able and was doing GCSE level work at 11. It was going to be a hideous commute and his friend was miserable there who was already at the school. I home educated him for a few years and then as the GCSE years approached, I sent him to private school. Not cheap with the fees, uniform and transport (it means commuting to a city). However, I now know it is the best decision I have ever made. I will do the same for my daughter when she is older. Small class sizes, nice kids, lots of support staff and intensive GCSE coaching before exams. Worth every penny, and keeps him out of the local State sink school which has some of the poorest GCSE outcomes in the region.

If she is such a self motivated child, I think you should do all that you can to give her the opportunity. There are second hand uniform sales in private schools to keep costs down. But I would double efforts to make sure the other children can access the same opportunity when their time comes to make it fairer. I think letting the younger ones see their elder sister being ambitious and achieving academic goals could motivate them to do the same.

@LottyD32 - the OP has said that her middle daughter is also super academic.

GeorgiaGirl52 Well that's the sticking point isn't it, can the OP actually afford it?

Teenagers are incredibly expensive. They also like to keep up with their peers. OP, its not just the school uniform. If you DD did go to the grammar school hopefully she'd settle in well and make lots of friends. Could you keep up their social activities?

It's all or nothing surely? Otherwise you are likely to cause resentment within the family that will last a lifetime for your DC, potentially.

I also think bullying happens in all schools, although it may manifest differently in a private school.

And how do you know she won't achieve her potential in a state school?

I think you can also talk about it as her choice to your other children. It’s not you choosing to prioritise her over them; she did this all by herself and you can highlight that you are very proud, and will support them in whatever makes them happy in the same way.

To some extent, I don't think you will need to as there is a sufficiently large age gap between your DC so it will be a good few years before your younger DC go to secondary. The fact that you didn't push for it, the motivation came from your DD, and you're being offered such a significant amount of help suggests she should go.

I don't think you need to send all your children privately just because you send one. I had a school friend whose brother went to a big name public school and she seemed a particularly cheerful classmate so I doubt if she would need years of therapy to get over it!

@busyeatingbiscuits

Honestly I don't think it's a good idea to make your child the poor kid at a private school - as you say, kids are horrid! If the uniform and transport are a stretch, how will you fund the school skiing trips and educational visits to New York? How will she keep up with her friends in terms of hobbies, clothes, phones, laptops? That's going to be a huge pressure.

Not my experience at all.

My dcs are at a private school, deprived area and one of the poorer students. No grammar school around either (but used to be in the olden days….) Never been an issue

On the other side, they are getting an education and support that has no comparaison to what they would get at the state school.

@Troisfoisfilles go for it. If you can somehow manage, just do it. It’s really worth it.

I had a DD at Private Secondary (which has the word Grammar in its name) and I think it was a bit daft of you to let her go through the process and fall in love with the school if it’s not really affordable
DD had a part scholarship but we had to think about all the extras as well as her younger brother and we only sent her there because it was definitely affordable
The trips and uniform aren’t very expensive but there’s no cheap stuff from Asda or similar as it’s all branded. The trips are the same as at other schools but totally optional and it’s ok not to go. We werent the poorest there I don’t think but there were some very rich families and the kids just all got one, we are in The North though so no bankers or oligarchs.
DD has left now but DS is still there and it’s the same for him, he mixes with everyone quite happily and has friends round etc. However, we do live in a nice 4 bed house in a good area, maybe it would be different if we had a small flat somewhere, I hope not but I don’t know
To be honest OP in your shoes I don’t think I would make sacrifices to afford this, especially given your other DC. As for being Academic - our less Academic DS probably benefits more from the school than his very academic sister.

There isn't a long way to go before your other children need to be looking at secondary schools. Your other two are only a few years behind.

Are you currently studying and going to get a significant pay rise in the next two years? What will your other children be sacrificing?

@georgarina

If your DD has lots of academic potential and has won a place at a selective school, when you live in a deprived area, I would absolutely do all I could to send her there.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Don't sacrifice her future.

Your other DC are young enough you can save for them as well.

This. I’d move heaven and earth to make it possible for her. Worry about whether it would be possible for the younger two when the time arrives. Your eldest will have left school by the time the possibility arises for the three year old. You don’t say so @Troisfoisfilles but aren’t you really proud of her? I would be, it’s a massive achievement.

I think you have to go for it OP and ask for any financial help you can including help towards extra school costs /trips etc.
It will be 5-7 years and she will do well for being at the school that will meet her academic needs, she won a place and bursary.
As you say younger DCs are too young for going to same school to be a consideration right now- and yes you'll have to tighten belt for all the family. But it's worth trying if you can. You can only take it one child at a time.

You may have to ask for younger DC's school help for their trips etc. it's amazing what you can save when you budget carefully. I'm a lone parent of 3. We have had very little spare money for years.

@CecilyP

I think you can also talk about it as her choice to your other children. It’s not you choosing to prioritise her over them; she did this all by herself and you can highlight that you are very proud, and will support them in whatever makes them happy in the same way.

To some extent, I don't think you will need to as there is a sufficiently large age gap between your DC so it will be a good few years before your younger DC go to secondary. The fact that you didn't push for it, the motivation came from your DD, and you're being offered such a significant amount of help suggests she should go.

I don't think you need to send all your children privately just because you send one. I had a school friend whose brother went to a big name public school and she seemed a particularly cheerful classmate so I doubt if she would need years of therapy to get over it!

I am in my late 40s and my brother is 3 years older. He still bangs on about me going to a Posh school while he went to a shit one. I had a full scholarship so it was a bit different, plus he got a house deposit and I didn’t but he still likes to bring it up

I would do it on the basis that you'll need to find a way to send the other two if they get in, but you've got quite a few years until then and as you say, hopefully things will be better moneywise by that point. I know a couple of people who didn't get to go to a school like the one you're describing for various reasons, and they still feel sad/resentful about it.

Also I don't recognise this bullying about being poor thing at all. I went to fee paying school and there were people there who were on full scholarships and didn't have loads of cash, no-one cared. You got bullied for being unattractive or 'lame', not for having less well off parents.,

It’s fantastic your daughter has done so well but unfortunately as you have realised there is a lot more to it then just getting a place in a private school.

A child in my sons class took her children out of the local primary and put both children in private school. They worked out the school fees and they said they could afford it. What they did not also add up is all the extras throughout the year which is also a lot especially for 2 children. They are now struggling and do nothing but moan about the cost and how they have literally cut back on everything. Honestly can not see how much longer they can stretch themselves going forward.

They have also had problems with other parents/kids as they do not ‘fit in’. They are classed as the poor children compared to the other children there who come from very wealthy back grounds.

for me it would depend on how much my others were going to miss out on things. What about when school trips come up and all the rest of expense? Will they have to miss out even more?

Think very carefully about the message it sends and read the countless threads from siblings of golden children.

I’d let her go

It’s a great opportunity for her

@Erinyes

I think people are overlooking the fact that the other option is the ‘great’, presumably free school the OP herself teaches at — and that her daughter apparently needs what the OP imagines to be the ‘discipline’ and ‘pushiness’ of the fee-paying school. If her daughter needs to be ‘pushed’, then surely it’s not a matter of a brilliant child cramping at the bit, it’s someone who lacks self-discipline.

My school is great. But it’s not brilliant. We are so obsessed with getting every child up to a grade 4 (in maths English and science- and they only do 8 GCSE’s). Which is great and wonderful but DD1 is looking to have the potential of getting grades 8-9 in 10 or more GCSE’s. Is it fair to not let her reach this potential?

@Blossomtoes - the OP's other children are 7 and 8. Year 2 and year 3.

Unless the OP knows that the school does offer the same level of subsidy to multiple children from the same family, then she is not giving her other children the same opportunities as her first one.

The first rule of parenting multiples is that it has to be fair. Not always the same, but fair.

@AlandAnna

I don’t think you have any choice now but send her - you’ve opened up the opportunity by letting her apply and I imagine there would be a lot of resentment if you then said no. Where are her friends going?

She doesn’t really have many friends but the few she has are going to two different schools

I think you really must send her - the best education possible is a life changing experience. Quite aside from that, is clear from your post that the decision to apply came from your DD herself, she is motivated to attend and the passion has come from her. She is also clearly hugely able and bright (getting a scholarship on top of a bursary is a massive achievement) and should flourish there.

Incidentally this isn’t a private/ state thing - different schools are right for different DC and it’s clear that your DD has insight into why this is right for her personality and needs. My DH was also a little ‘eccentric’ as a child and went to the selective Grammar and was extremely happy. His sister was very different - sporty and confident and easy going. She went to local comprehensive and was also very happy. They both went on to professional roles and have been successful. My sister-in-law is adamant that they both went to the right schools for them and that she doesn’t think my DH would have got on as well where she was - because he’s quite a different person.

I don’t think you need strictly ‘the same’ for each child and anyway your others are tiny and there is time.

I went to private school and know from personal experience that there will be a range of financial circumstances and help available. I had friends with horses and designer bags and friends whose parents worked as cleaners and were on full bursary with no money for extras at all. We all rubbed along and people were sensitive. There will be a thriving second hand uniform sale world!

My advice would be to accept her place but be totally upfront with both your DD and the school that there is no money for extras. Her uniform will be second hand and she may not be able to go on trips unless there is help available. The education will be worth it

[quote Clymene]@Blossomtoes - the OP's other children are 7 and 8. Year 2 and year 3.

Unless the OP knows that the school does offer the same level of subsidy to multiple children from the same family, then she is not giving her other children the same opportunities as her first one.

The first rule of parenting multiples is that it has to be fair. Not always the same, but fair. [/quote]
I already answered this. All 3 of my children are treated exactly equal. I would never treat them unfairly.

There is no reason your DD can’t get 9s at a State school, plenty do.
It’s probably easier to do so in small classes with lots of resources but you are a teacher OP, surely with your help she can achieve her potential?