To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

[Troisfoisfilles]

So my eldest just won a place at a really good grammar school in our area to start year 7 in September which is great.
She did so well in the entrance exam and interview that she was offered a scholarship and we have been awarded a brilliant bursary. Only trouble is, the bursary doesn’t cover everything and even the transport and uniform are a huge expense! It’s going to be a massive squeeze on finances. I also have two younger children who will no doubt miss out on little treats and things that I won’t be able to afford any longer 😞.
She is very intelligent and would do well at any school but I know for a fact that she won’t achieve full potential at a state school.
I originally applied for a place for her at the school I teach at. It’s a great school and she would do ok there but I don’t want just ok for her. For a start, she’s really quite eccentric and mature for her age. Kids similar to this at my school don’t really go down that well and are singled out by the others - kids are horrid!
I really believe she needs the small classes, discipline and pushiness she’d get at a grammar.
So am I being unreasonable in sending her?

Ignore the people saying your 'great school' isn't good enough for your DD- you know her best- I'd never have sent my DS to my school either!!

I understand you're worried about the squeeze on your finances, but in your position I would do it. I think anyone would if they could and if they say they wouldn't they're lying

OP there are just as many bullies in nice independent schools as in state . They will identify a child who’s parents struggle to or don’t provide the little extras or can’t provide the right clothes for mufti day . I think it is very much dependent on how tough you think your daughter is to withstand such bullying .

I’d also be cautious about rising costs of living at the moment , school fees will doubtless rise too .

Don’t give one child something that you can’t afford for the others. It’s divisive. I have two kids, one at private school and the other is at a state grammar. The one we pay for is to balance the fact that the other is also at a decent school.

She is very intelligent and would do well at any school but I know for a fact that she won’t achieve full potential at a state school

What makes you think this?!

My kids both went to a State school. They did great at Uni. One is an Engineer and the other is a Teacher.

I wouldn't. A clever child does well everywhere and they can achieve their full potential without an expensive school. My ex-boss and I are examples of this.
I know a lot of people who went to a grammar school and didn't end up doing well also.

Do it. You won't regret it, even if she doesn't stay there until 18.

My parents did this for me a,d, although I was only there 2 years (my parents moved to the other end of the country), it increased my confidence and knowledge so much that I then did better at the state school I then went to.

@Floralnomad

You cannot compromise the lifestyle of other children to fund the education of a sibling . Why did you not look into the affordability before you applied .

Rubbish. Sacrificing her whole future ( and no, she won't do well anywhere, as my bullied academic son will tell her) for 'a lifestyle '? Bonkers

Rubbish. Sacrificing her whole future ( and no, she won't do well anywhere, as my bullied academic son will tell her) for 'a lifestyle '? Bonkers

There are three children in the picture, not just one.

@pupcakes

Ignore the people saying your 'great school' isn't good enough for your DD- you know her best- I'd never have sent my DS to my school either!!

I understand you're worried about the squeeze on your finances, but in your position I would do it. I think anyone would if they could and if they say they wouldn't they're lying

Not sure why people saying that they wouldn't prioritise one child over another are considered to be "lying".

Most parents wouldn't have let their DC sit the exam to a school that they couldn't afford, so it wouldn't arise, but OP is where she is.

and as for 'sacrificing her whole future'. That's up there with all the hysterical 'is a bomb going to drop on my head this week?' threads.

I was the poor kid at the private school.

I got a free place via the 11+ (a very long time ago). All my uniform was secondhand either bought via the school or handed down from older pupils. I didn't go on the ski trips or foreign holidays until towards the end of school when my parents had a bit more money.

Many of my friends (but certainly not all) had enormous houses with swimming pools, tennis courts and paddocks whereas I lived in a modest semi-detached and we didn't even have a car.

I absolutely loved it and didn't care in the slightest that other people had more money and vice versa.Thinking back, I wasn't envious at all...I just felt lucky that I had friends with swimming pools and huge gardens.

However, my sister failed her 11+, went to the local secondary modern which really was a sink school and did very badly. She had undiagnosed dyslexia and struggled until she found her niche and is now a successful writer (ironically). I know that she still has a certain level of resentment that I was the "Golden Child" in our wider family (particularly in my Grandfather's eyes) even if there was not much of a financial difference in the commitment to each of us.

I was lucky that I was in the best place for me but my sisther would not have done well at my school either, she was much more of a rebel than me, much less willing to knuckle under and accept the rules. She would have hated my school just as much as she hated her own and would probably have been expelled fairly quickly.

If I were in your position, OP, I would send your eldest to the private school but make very sure that your younger children do not later feel that they have been judged as deficient in comparison by anyone. When the time comes to decide whether the younger two can go to the same school, make the decision on what is best for them, not what seems "fair".

Go for it. There will be a brilliant second hand uniform shop and stuff will be hardly worn.

My DC uniform is about £5-600 new. Each year I get it for under £120 in the second hand shop.

You may also find the PTA has a bursary find for children on bursaries to cover school trips. Our PTA does this and we fundraiser very hard for it. No one is left out. If your school doesn’t do this, join the PTA & get it done.

Congrats to your DC

it would help a bit if OP would explain a little more what the other kids are going to miss out on though. If it's trips to Florida every other year instead of every year, or if it's no holidays, and smaller birthday presents etc

Rubbish. Sacrificing her whole future ( and no, she won't do well anywhere, as my bullied academic son will tell her) for 'a lifestyle '? Bonkers

But it's ok to sacrifice the 2 other children's futures?

I think you should send her now it has got this far.
Worry about the other two children later on down the line. Every child is different. The second one who is quite academic might be fine in the school you teach at because they have a different personality. And you could supplement their education with extra-curricular activities if you feel she is missing out on something.

I think that with the extra issues you outline, I would probably send her. You know I'm your heart that she is a prime candidate for bullying.
But I think you need to sit down and have a really good conversation so she understands from the off that she will see her peers getting lots of things that she never will. And that birthdays etc will be low key.
My main concern would be ensuring she can go right through the school there. Is the scholarship for the full length of secondary education?
The absolute worse would be sticking her back in a state school part way through.

And investigate uniform exchanges and such like

I would do everything possible to give my children the most suitable education you can @Troisfoisfilles. As long as you're confident that you can also do the same for the younger ones, which you seem to be. The sacrifices now are what will set her up for a brilliant future and I can't imagine prioritising anything else over it, though that might just be because I went to a crap school so prioritised a private education for my children.

Not everyone at private school has masses of money, my eldest dd went to an independent secondary school with equestrian facilities and the daughters of oligarchs. You could have fitted our entire house in the entrance hall of most of her friends houses. She was never once bullied for not having the same as them and made great friends.

If you are trying to pay your way out of future bullying it won’t work as it’s more luck than judgement who she’ll be around.
Private schools are under pressure as the teachers pension scheme comes under pressure. How much can you afford the fees you do pay for to go up in 7 years?
Private schools are good for networking and offering connections and this can be useful if you are sociable and can offer something.
Private schools have a longer day so they are good for working parents. However increasingly the extra bits in the day seem to be add-ons to pay for.
DD’s friend went privately and it was a struggle for her family. She had been bullied in primary and the local comp took my Dd and the bullies. The girl had a nice time overall at the private school but became very anxious over the pressure of exams (which I think was because her mum told her how much the family sacrificed) and my Dd got better results. At the big secondary school my Dd had years of being with a few people she got on with (the bullies had their own group) but friendship groups change and there were times she was unhappy. But as a hardworking, bright girl she didn’t have the pressure that the girls at private school did. And she has a housing deposit for later on in life.

I know a woman with 5 kids and they’ve done a mix of private and state depending on what goes for each child. Some also went to different state schools.

My dd is yr9 and changed from state secondary to private school, something we don’t regret. These days state and private kids mix loads due to having phones. Dd is very sociable and has befriended friends of friends of friends. There are kids at her school with parents, who have millions, some with a lot less. In my experience the children have no issue with being mates with anyone they get on with. Income isn’t seen as important. They also have no issue with those on bursaries. Everything is really open.

We did look at another couple of other schools before dd chose this one. The head at one of the other schools said most of the intake was with parents, who could just about afford fees so they were very conscious about trips etc. I think you should have a chat with the staff and head at the private school.

You may want to send one or both of your younger dcs. This is the real issue. You would have 1 year with 3 of them all at the same time if they all started at yr7. You could look yourself to move to this school or another private school in the area longer term to get fee reductions.

But unless you’re suddenly going to have 30k disposable income a year extra, it’s not going to be possible.

@User0610134049 I was thinking the same. It's not a Grammar in the common way if you have to pay for it. The grammar my boys go to is a state one and there are 150 places per year that 1800 children go for. One of the best schools in the country that people would pay a lot of money for the education they receive. I wouldn't put the families finances under pressure to do it though. If a child is bright and keen they will succeed wherever.

I don't understand why you have referred to this school as a grammar school, twice. And you're a teacher yourself.

That aside, how did your DD know about the school? Was it introduced to the children in the primary school, or do you pass it every day maybe, or did she do this research all herself? I just could not have imagined my state educated primary school sons knowing anything at all about private/selective schools in year 6.

I think you risk putting yourself in a very difficult situation, albeit one that isn't going to be an issue for a few years (they go quickly though).
What proportion of the fees is the scholarship paying for? I imagine it's not a large chunk because most aren't. But even so, if you are relying on that and are still going to struggle, it doesn't bode well for the forthcoming years.

Bursaries are assessed every year, but not guaranteed. Their pot of money is not infinite.

OP has said it is a private feeing paying school that just happens to have the word ‘Grammar’ in the name.

GCSE's are the gateway to A Levels and then A Levels to whatever they choose to do next. I'm not sure there's much difference between getting eight or ten tbh and no one remembers the GCSE's once your past a certain educational level anyway. So imo your school where you teach sounds great. The Grammar my DS go to don't do dozens of GCSE's. Just a normal eight, or nine if they do triple science.

If a child is bright and keen they will succeed wherever.

This is such a fallacy. Unfortunately those, who say it often don’t have a clue what it’s like to be bright and keen but squashed and prevented from learning in an awful school.