To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

[Troisfoisfilles]

So my eldest just won a place at a really good grammar school in our area to start year 7 in September which is great.
She did so well in the entrance exam and interview that she was offered a scholarship and we have been awarded a brilliant bursary. Only trouble is, the bursary doesn’t cover everything and even the transport and uniform are a huge expense! It’s going to be a massive squeeze on finances. I also have two younger children who will no doubt miss out on little treats and things that I won’t be able to afford any longer 😞.
She is very intelligent and would do well at any school but I know for a fact that she won’t achieve full potential at a state school.
I originally applied for a place for her at the school I teach at. It’s a great school and she would do ok there but I don’t want just ok for her. For a start, she’s really quite eccentric and mature for her age. Kids similar to this at my school don’t really go down that well and are singled out by the others - kids are horrid!
I really believe she needs the small classes, discipline and pushiness she’d get at a grammar.
So am I being unreasonable in sending her?

Disagree that by sitting the exam you’ve made the decision. You’ve not handled it well though IMO.

Also disagree that the hard part is done: paying is the hard part.

I have taught in both private and state. A bright student will do very well in state education. Also the worst bullying I’ve ever seen was in the private schools I worked at - don’t for a moment think that ‘eccentricities’ will be more favourably received at a private school. Kids are cruel.
Also I really don’t think you can send one kid to private school and not the others, but that’s just my opinion.
I really think you should have thought about this before you entered her for the exam.

@Loopytiles

Disagree that by sitting the exam you’ve made the decision. You’ve not handled it well though IMO.

Also disagree that the hard part is done: paying is the hard part.

Hard part for dc

Paying different as the parents

Your not being unreasonable but In my experience going to a grammar school makes no difference to their adult lives

My youngeat sibling went to a grammar school. She got excellent results.

She doesn't have a proper career. She works as an entertainer at a care home and sings at pubs at the weekends.

My other 2 sisters who went to a normal school are a manager and a landlady,

My youngest sister did not have fun at the grammar school, she was eccentric, the other kids didnt like her and she sat on her own everyday. She had zero friends at school.

Your update helps answer a few questions raised by others. I think you should give all three DDs equal opportunity. They may not turn out to have the same abilities but at least they get an equal chance. It sounds like you can cope financially because of the age difference. Whether an independent grammar will give a better education and chances in life than a state school depends on the qualities of each. I have friends who did well at both and who all went on to Russell group universities.

I would send her. It seems harsh to let her take the test then not allow her to go.

I don't think passing the entrance tests for independent schools necessarily mean a child is a genius - after all they need to fill spaces.

However if she has been given a bursary then she must be bright. With the younger ones maybe explain to them you can only afford if they get the bursary.

In a deprived area your local state schools might not be amazing?

I think Mumsnet is quite anti private schools - you know your daughter & if she will be eaten alive at the state school then you need to do your best for her.

So are you basically saying your younger ones will miss out on 'nice things' so your daughter will do 'well' rather than 'ok'? What exactly are your younger ones going to miss out on?

You haven't answered my question of whether the school offers the same level of financial subsidy to multiple children from the same family though @Troisfoisfilles.

Have you checked? Because if they don't and that means that your second super academic child gets fabulous results and is not able to go to the school her elder sister is at because you can't afford for two children to go, then that is not treating your children equally.

That said OP I think if it was me I would send her but work my arse off to earn more and make sure I can afford it long term.

I already answered this. All 3 of my children are treated exactly equal. I would never treat them unfairly.

And yet you say that your youngest 2 will have to miss out on "little treats and things" that presumably your eldest had? It depends a lot what you mean by this. If you mean that holidays are now camping in Cornwall rather than going abroad, that's one thing. If you mean there will be no holidays at all, but day to day will be fine, that's another. If you will have to budget very carefully to afford an icecream at the park, that's yet another.

It looks likely that the cost of living will only be going up, and private school fees have a nasty tendency to rise faster than inflation. Have you looked at your budget for next year, for 5 years' time?

If things are as tight as you say, then basically everyone is sacrificing for your oldest child. That's not fair.

@GetYourEightYearOldOutOfATree

'I already answered this. All 3 of my children are treated exactly equal. I would never treat them unfairly.'

The thing is, if you go ahead with this you are very likely to find yourself in a position where you are treating them unfairly. And all for a seductive 'private school or bust' narrative. The 'I don't want only OK for her' is a little PFB, to be brutally honest. There's a degree of quite valuable benefit to be had for a child from working with 'only OK' - with parental support, which I am sure you can provide in spades - and finding one's own way through it and excelling on one's own efforts and merits. That was my route through school and I'm now seeing it happen again with my 16yo, who went/goes to 'OK' schools (and made the choice recently that an 'elite' specialist school wasn't for him).

I agree with this. Don’t you trust her to reach her potential without pushing and hothousing? I also think you’re putting an unfair amount of pressure on her to excel, by making considerable financial sacrifices at the potential expense of your other children. Will you resent it if she’s regularly among the lowest of her cohort, or if she doesn’t thrive socially, when you’re penny-pinching to afford it?

How do you know that your child won’t do well at a state school. My DS narrowly missed out on a state grammar school and he has thrived at our local state school as he is in top sets for everything and a very short walk to school with neighbourhood kids. If at grammar, he would have been around the middle/bottom and a long bus journey. You should have considered these issues before discussing with your child the possibility of going to this private school - she has done well and it is too late for you to backtrack now I’m afraid

@Troisfoisfilles I would do it. It sounds like most things are covered, start little pots for saving towards uniform etc. I would ask the school if they have any additional supports with incidentals, some are very understanding that even those small extras can be challenging. Also many have second hand uniform sales/exchanges.

I was once in a very similar situation regarding one of my dc, and have no regrets. The structure, opportunities, ability to advance and not be bored at school, have prooved wonderful. My other dc aren't in the same sitution, one will never be due to SEN, but even my dc without that those type of schools wouldn't be the right fit. More and more I see that fair isn't equal, each child will have their own needs. My child with SEN I spend money on in different ways - private speech therapy for example.

I would say that there are things to be aware of - some of the kids will come from far more wealthy homes, though not all. In fairness, while we aren't in a deprived area, I actually have met families who are as wealthy in the state sector, and some families were in the same boat as us in the smaller independent school, most of whom were also on bursary and scholarship. Today I see more older cars at our small independent than at the local state primary. Obviously that isn't the case for all, clearly, but not all independent schools are all very wealthy families. In addition, there will be more incidental costs etc. It is just the reality.

Is there any way you can increase your hours if you aren't already full time? Or if you are a teacher, could you tutor? Even just a couple students a week may give you 100-150 month extra. I know it isn't always easy to add in more work. I'm a single parent too and it is a sacrifice. I've learned what times at weekend/after school I can make extra work, mostly work for the family and having those extra funds come in, for me has been a huge help mental health wise, and practially too. Not something I will do forever, but it is really nice to see the emergency fund/buffer build up for incidentals and to know that allows each dc to have their needs met, and opportunities to thrive.

Have you allowed for fee increases? These can be quite significant annual increases and bursaries are usually fixed so you’ll need to cover more each year. You don’t want to get to the point in three years time where it’s impossible to keep her at her school. There are discretionary funds but they aren’t a given, it’ll be at the school’s discretion how they are used and they may prioritise other families who aren’t already receiving a bursary.

How is she supposed to know whether or not the school will award more than one bursary per family?

Don’t for pity’s sake ring them up and ask them this, OP. They will have you down as a first class pain in the arse.

Also children change. A seven year old who is really capable now might not gain a bursary in 4 years time. You or they have No Way of knowing what all the variables will be in a few years time. Your own kids’ and the other applicants.

@GraciousPiglet

You mean an independent school?

Grammars are free!

There’s an independent near us that calls itself X-Town Grammar - perhaps it’s one like that.

IIRC it was founded back in the 1600s, though, when AFAIK such schools called themselves grammars because they concentrated largely on Greek and Latin grammar.

No. I don't think it's fair for the younger two to miss out on things because the budget is being squeezed for their older sister's school uniform and daily travel.

When will it be their turn, because in a few short years she's going to be in university and costing you even more. You say you hope to be earning more by then, but is this a hope or something that's very likely to happen?

How tight will the finances be?Will it mean a lesser holiday or no holiday at all.The cost of living is rising rapidly compared to income would this be a problem Doesthe school have it’s own transport,the school may help with that.If you can still have a quality of life .I would send her,she is a bright girl.Second hand uniform is usually available in private schools,just outgrown but it is very expensive new.There are ways around that,not all children in private education are well off many struggle.Good luck with your decision.

And if uniforms are a stretch how will you manage the extra curricular stuff like school trips?

On the uniform front, I'd check if there is a thrift shop and possibly a FB unofficial uniform selling page.
DS goes to an independent and I buy most of the branded stuff second hand, as does the majority of people that I know.

You haven’t answered what kind of ‘little treats’ the younger DC would be missing out on. That would be the deciding factor for me.

Not all education happens in the classroom. I think being able to travel (in the UK or abroad), visit museums, and take part in sports/arts clubs are also important for a well-rounded education. I went to a large state comp which did have some issues, but I now have a PhD in a subject I fell in love with on a school trip. I know not everyone can afford these extras, but I wouldn’t pay school fees for one child if it meant all of my children missed out on these things.

You have more than 1 child so you can’t favour 1 over the others.

I see it a lot in my particular sport - 1 will have literally thousands spent on them and all the parents free time and attention thrown at them - the other kids just tag along bored.

I would do it and worry about the others when the time comes.

Also, I can guarantee that the costs you are aware of and mention in your OP, will be just the tip of the iceberg.

No brainer

Go for it
Uniform all second hand (I did)
Talk to school about transport costs

I wouldn’t hesitate